RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (Full Version)

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Estring -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:54:57 PM)

Trainer? Is this The Boston Marathon? What would you be training for? I think this situation points out why "trainer" is a stupid concept. 



SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/3/2006 11:59:58 PM)

nefertari: Amen to that.
[:)]
- Susan 



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:02:10 AM)

fast reply....

Reading the other threads from this OP is enlightening.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:02:26 AM)

You mentioned christianity. He is a christian who is against sex outside of marriage. That was the reason I got attached. I get loads of offers from men........on here and in chatrooms. The problem is, they all expect sex the first or second meeting. I'm against sex outside of a monogamous relationship. When he told me he loved bondage but wasn't looking for sex, I wanted to hang onto him. I finally found a guy that wouldn't pressure me for sex. He obviously craves vanilla as well as bdsm or he wouldn't be dating a woman that's not into bondage. I crave both as well. I've told him so many times that unless he combines both with the same woman, he will never be happy because he will always be denying a part of himself. He told me earlier tonight that I'm the best woman in KS on here (apparently he's having difficulties finding a bondage partner not looking for sex), yet he refuses to apologize for dumping me. I guess most of the people in here are right to slam me for getting involved with a trainer, even though he isn't married and didn't have a gf at that time. What am I supposed to do though when guys that don't expect immediate sex are so hard to find?



velvetears -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:06:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

velvettears: I appreciate the thought, you sweetie - not much hurts my feelings anymore, actually.
It was kind of a low thing to say, though.

- Susan  



It's seemed to me to be a sublte form of emotional intimidation in order to "shut you up" and that equates with emotional bullying in my book. i don't like bullies and the only way to stop them is to confront them.  i suppose after 2000 some odd posts you perhaps get a thicker skin. i read it and it just boiled my blood. We are all adults here, come together to exchange experiences and ideas and to sometimes give advice and lend an ear to those in need. Never a need to be hostile. 



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:08:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nefertari
No, it doesn't work.  It only serves to stop the conversation and alienate the person seeking comfort, help, or advice.  Or maybe that is what *you* mean by "it WORKS".


Actually, it does. It is a method that is commonly used in professional counseling. It really is dependent upon the person and the situation. For obvious reason, you would not walk into hospital ER and be "harsh" upon a woman who had just been sexually assaulted....but in a substance abuse treatment center you might be "harsh" on a drug addict whose problems are everyone's fault but their own.




SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:11:19 AM)

defiantbadgirl: There are Christian bdsm sites (really, I saw a few one time when I was perusing the internet). Google the words" Christian bdsm and see what pops up, maybe? I know I saw a thread here earlier about Christianity and bdsm (look on page 2 or 3 to find it, in this General discussion section, I think. Otherwise, do a search). If it is in your profile that you are into Christianity and bdsm, then whoever e-mails you has that information. Hopefully, it might lessen some who are looking for strictly sex. As far as making it known you don't believe in sex outside of a mongamous relationship, that is something to discuss in getting to know someone, maybe in one of the first few meetings, or when it comes up anyway - whatever feels right (but I'd let someone know before getting "close" to make sure you share that as far as values). I realize it's hard to forget somone you've become attached or very attracted to - but with all of those other men contacting you, surely one of them might work out? Or contact the Christian bdsm sites, or even stay on this site. Someone will come along. I just know it.

- Susan



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:12:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

You mentioned christianity. He is a christian who is against sex outside of marriage. That was the reason I got attached. I get loads of offers from men........on here and in chatrooms. The problem is, they all expect sex the first or second meeting. I'm against sex outside of a monogamous relationship. When he told me he loved bondage but wasn't looking for sex, I wanted to hang onto him. I finally found a guy that wouldn't pressure me for sex. He obviously craves vanilla as well as bdsm or he wouldn't be dating a woman that's not into bondage. I crave both as well. I've told him so many times that unless he combines both with the same woman, he will never be happy because he will always be denying a part of himself. He told me earlier tonight that I'm the best woman in KS on here (apparently he's having difficulties finding a bondage partner not looking for sex), yet he refuses to apologize for dumping me. I guess most of the people in here are right to slam me for getting involved with a trainer, even though he isn't married and didn't have a gf at that time. What am I supposed to do though when guys that don't expect immediate sex are so hard to find?


Thread after thread you have asked for advice about how you could "win" this man or manipulate him to get what you want. In every one of them you have said that he has told you that he wanted no long term emotional relationship. You can't MAKE someone love or want you. Give it up for God's sake.



SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:15:57 AM)

velvettears: You are so sweet to care about this. When somebody says something that low and potentially hurtful, I usually don't bother. What usually happens is, I shed a few tears (or not) and mentally "write them off." I am not above apologizing to someone if I hurt them. I  do it sometimes. Sometimes I don't care if I get one. If that's the case, I usually avoid them from then on - just do the deep-freeze. That "works" too. 

- Susan



nefertari -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:17:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: nefertari
No, it doesn't work.  It only serves to stop the conversation and alienate the person seeking comfort, help, or advice.  Or maybe that is what *you* mean by "it WORKS".


Actually, it does. It is a method that is commonly used in professional counseling. It really is dependent upon the person and the situation. For obvious reason, you would not walk into hospital ER and be "harsh" upon a woman who had just been sexually assaulted....but in a substance abuse treatment center you might be "harsh" on a drug addict whose problems are everyone's fault but their own.




The key word being "professional".  Those that know how and when.  Or those that know another well.  Like I stated in an earlier post on this same thread, sometimes a "slap in the face" is better than a hug, but if it's done without compassion it loses any potential benefit.



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:17:31 AM)

This suggestion from Susan is a good one.

quote:

If it is in your profile that you are into Christianity and bdsm, then whoever e-mails you has that information. Hopefully, it might lessen some who are looking for strictly sex.  


It would certainly be far superior than what your profile currently states. Who are you expecting to attract with this?
quote:


Seeking hot guy with all his hair and front teeth to tame me. I enjoy spanking and light bondage. Not looking for a friend with benefits. 
 



CrappyDom -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:20:55 AM)

So the dumb bastard is a Christian, well that should have been your warning right there.  Nothing like a morally superiour being who cheats on his wife by tying up women on the side.

And you want to "win" this guy over?  You need to go down to the store and buy a clue and then get a 2X4 to beat it through your thick skull.

Yep guys, you were right, this woman is a rolling train wreck, but I stand by what I said about the Dom, he is cheating fuck and typical Christian.



Estring -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:21:35 AM)

I looked up this girls profile expecting a teenager or girl of twenty one or two. She is thirty three years old! She didn't know what a trainer was in BDSM( I am still wondering) yet still got involved with him? I see this as just another in a long line of people who won't grow up, and won't take responsibility for their mistakes.



SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:22:21 AM)

I must admit I think Crappy Dom has a point. Christians don't behave like that - at least not good Christians.
But I still know it probably hurts like hell, and I wish the OP well. 
One good piece of advice I heard once was: Watch what people do, not what they say they do. It's still good advice. As far as anyone - Christian, or other.

defiantbadgirl: mistoferin has a good point. I would expand that profile a bit. You've only got one paragraph about yourself - that's not enough! You have much more you can say about yourself, I'd bet. I'd say first: What kind of man you are looking for? Write down all of the attributes you think are important in a partner, from personality traits and life-style (no married men? No kids? Monogamy lover, Christian?) etc. Then write down traits that describe your best self - your good traits and preferred or existing (if not the same) life-style (Monogamous? No drinking? etc.).

Read some other CM submissive profiles - there are some superb ones here at CM (not mine). Then: Write down what you have to offer a potential Domianant. When you write your profile - list those things first. Then list your "best self" traits and life-style (single, career woman, etc). Then write down what you want - as an end result - as far as  a good bdsm relationship - what would be an ideal day with your partner? An ideal month? Think about it. Put it in your profile. Also, be very clear about your"limits" (no married men, no knifeplay - whatever). I'd give you better advice, but I am just getting around to writing my own over, and haven't had much practice. But - describe what you offer first. I hear over and over here at CM about women who list what they want, want, want, but give nobody a "reason" to want them. There are reasons someone should want you - list them! Good luck!

- Susan 



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:22:29 AM)

Well I guess it's the way that I respond because that IS what I did professionally for most of my adult life.



nefertari -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:24:17 AM)

I wasn't quoting you, though, erin, I was quoting Homestead who was just being harsh for the sake of it.  In fact, I earlier agreed with both you and SusanofO.

Not sure why you are taking this personally....



mistoferin -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:31:58 AM)

Oh please don't misunderstand...I am not taking this personally. Actually, yours and Susan's posts simply gave me the opportunity to kind of explain. I am often times viewed as cold or harsh. I guess I just wanted to say that I when I post in such a way, I'm not just being a bitch...I really do try to say what I actually think is "best" or at least what may trigger the positive....maybe not in the short term, but in the long run.



nefertari -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:36:53 AM)

I've always gotten that from you, erin, that you try to say what is best.  While others are just  being harsh.  Which is the point I was trying to make - that there is a difference.

And I've been called cold because I don't coddle and tend to call things like I see 'em. At least I know I'm not alone! [:D]



SusanofO -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:42:52 AM)

mistoferin: I know working with drug addicts can do that (believe me). Sometimes they do need a kick in the keester!

- Susan 



CrappyDom -> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers (9/4/2006 12:43:49 AM)

As someone who at times can be harsh, I try not to do so in the way of a personal attack and I try and temper it with thoughtful and caring advice.

As in
quote:

Your too stupid to breathe but if you shut up for a while and read "The Bottoming Book" that might change.


See, thats how you combine "tough love" and a bit of caring to make forcing it down their throat seem not so unpleasant.



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