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Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer's your Sign! - 9/4/2006 5:48:08 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful  and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into  the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.

                       Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                 Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly  after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

    Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                               Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote  "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors  that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note  because it was written on a Bank of America deposit  slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
 He was arrested a few minutes later,  as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

    Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                 Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40  and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

                         Smartass... but you still get a sign

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                               Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun  and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted  behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,  but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
 The robber said he was,  but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.       The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave  the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
 They arrested the robber two hours later.

                              This guy definitely needs a sign.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                           Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michiganrobbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

                           This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                             Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced back  knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  
 
The whole event was caught on videotape.
                                  
Yep, Here's your sign


_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer's your Sign! - 9/4/2006 5:53:47 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Good ones and as usual i needed a laugh.  Thanks!

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer's your Sign! - 9/4/2006 8:12:06 PM   
ownedandcollared


Posts: 217
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline 		I've got one...
many years ago, my aunt's husband knocked off a gas station. He got the money, and put it in his wallet. ten minutes after he got home, the police showed up and arrested him. He played it cool for a little while, and then finally asked how they knew it was him.
The cop said "You dropped your drivers license, Mr. Vachel

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 3
Here's your Sign! - 9/5/2006 5:12:11 AM   
ADomDoc


Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
Status: offline 		Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
"Here's your sign."
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
"Here's your sign."
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
"Here's your sign."
====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
"Here's your sign."
====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
"Here's your sign."
====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
"Here's your sign."
====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way their head is turned.
"Here's your sign."
====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
"Here's your sign."
====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
"Here's your sign."
====================

My buddy has an interesting crowd.

He happens across his chum in the driveway with a big pan of motor oil, "changing your oil eh?" "No, just checking it." Turns out the car did not have a dipstick and every week he checked the oil by draining it and putting it back in.  (Let's just say the car didn't have a METAL dipstick.)
"Here's your sign."
====================

Another buddy of mine loans his truck out to someone. It comes back on a tow truck with a blown engine. Turns out in a 200 mile trip he put 12 quarts of oil in it because every time he started the truck the oil light came on. I guess you could say that engine was destroyed by the nut behind the wheel.
"Here's your sign."
====================

Back to the first buddy, sells a car. We are normal, we do not fill the tank before selling a car, thus it may have had an eighth of a tank. Well the phone rings.
"This car you just sold me broke down already."
"What seems to be the problem."
"Won't start."
"I assume you put gas in it, it was pretty low."
"Gas?"
"Here's your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
====================

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
====================

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
====================

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The    attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
====================

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
====================

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of    a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and    eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he says "So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge ... Here's your sign!"
====================

When you are at work, and someone comes by and asks how long the person in the office next to you will be on the phone?  Well now, let's see, they have been averaging 12.7 minutes per call this week, however, if you take an average of the past month, the calls have averaged 19.8 ... How the hell do i know how long they will be on the phone? 
"Here's your sign."


(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/5/2006 12:39:39 PM   
CreoleCook


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline 		With gasoline prices on the rise, this one redneck decides to go steal some gas from all the parked RV's next to his trailer park.  So he sneaks over one night, drops a hose down into a tank, and begins the old fashioned technique of syphoning gas. 

when the police arrived, shortly after the paramedics, the owner of the RV was crying from laughing so hard.  It seems the redneck put the hose down the septic tank, instead of the gas tank....  your sign will be posted on your hospital bed.

---------------------------------------------


(in reply to ADomDoc)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/5/2006 8:07:04 PM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		LMAO

_____________________________

owned by painarranger

I am His loyal slave

(in reply to CreoleCook)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 6:06:18 AM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the Foxworthy, but you should give credit where credit is due.

In the news:

Recently one who was certainly not a mensa society hopeful attampted to rob a McDonald's. "Gimme all the money". Well the cashier replied that the drawer wouldn't open unless he placed an order. So he said OK gimme a hamburger. "I'm sorry sir, it's before 10 we don't have hamburgers yet". He said he would come back later.

And then, it appears someone's credit card got stolen. Well the thief or whover decided to get some groceries. We have a store called Tops that issues their own discount cards. The guy used the stolen credit card and the cashier asked him if he had a Tops card. He produced his own Tops card and used it. I guess the legal cardholder should be grateful that they were careful with his money.

In both of these cases if I were the judge I might agree to probation if they agree to wear a sign.

It seems people are getting stupider, I will be quite interested in the 2006 Darwin awards.

T

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 10:33:23 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Let's Do RedNeck jokes!

You know you're a redneck when you walk your child to school....because you are both in the same grade.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 12:47:39 PM   
RubberWitch


Posts: 1368
Joined: 7/27/2005
Status: offline 		we've done redneck jokes
"You know you're a redneck when your puppy play outfit consists of a confederate flag nekacheif an' a length o' spare twine."
"You know you're a redneck when your collarme profile says "Will relocate, as soon as I get this here trailer back on it's wheels"

random mistress to slave in stocks at scarlett: Have you been a bad boy?
Sasy slave boy: Nope, master just asked me to keep these holes in place unti the wood sets. Here's your sign...Ma'am

J

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 1:07:30 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Working in retail, Ive heard a few of these from customers.  Heres my favorite:
I was busy stocking shelves against the back wal of the store, in the Fiber Supplements and Laxative section.  Most customers tend to be very shy about asking for help back there, and I dont make a habit of asking them if they need it, beasue of the nature of the product.  If they want hep, they wil ask me.
One woman walks over to me and asks me if I could help her find something that her doctor told her to look for. My manager was down the next aisle and didnt hear the majorit of our conversation, but being a wiseass, he loved to try ad help out.
The woman asks me where she can find glycerine suppositories. I showed her, and her next question nearly brought me to tears. "What flavors do they come in?"
Before I could explain they werent flavored... my manager shouts from the next aisle "I dont know, but they probably taste like shit!"

Also the wonderful questions, standing next to the cooler FULL of 20 oz soda and asking if we carry coke.  "No sir, we just decorate with it"

And one other:
"Maam, do you stock eggs anywhere aside from the cooler?"
"Um, no, but would you realy want to buy them even if we did?"

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 5:55:46 PM   
MindTwist


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline 		I recently grew a beard. It's already full, and yet people still ask me "So are you growing a beard?" I explian to them "No, I'm just holding it for a friend!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My brother's girlfriend has a really bright son(and he HAD to have gotten it from his father's side, since mommy's elevator doesn't stop on all the floors...)

He had just won a spelling bee and wanted to know if his mom could spell some of the words he was given. She turned down every possible word with silence until he asked her "Mom, can you spell 'thesaurus'?"

Her reply: "You KNOW I don't know anything about dinosaurs!!!"

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 6:08:20 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		Well, it just so happens I own a company with a phone number one number off from a local womens clinic.

Every day we get 2 or 3 errant calls at 7 or so in the morning at my office asking us any number of questions that, honest to God, I will never understand someone asking a complete and total stranger, inevitably I can tell within seconds these people aren't calling for (my services) and I promptly jump in, explain that they've missdialed, that we're a (what I sell) company, which is not in the remotest sense, by any definition (what they sell), whereupon they apologize, explain in detail what number they thought they were dialing (which by the way is typically my number, whereupon I have to go through the entire process all over again), tell me they'll look up the number more carefully, and then, 30 seconds later, the phone rings again.

And yep....it's her again.

The funny thing is, when I say for the SECOND time "Hello, this is (my name and my company name), may I help you?", which as you might suspect, sounds nothing whatsoever like what you might expect the name of a womens clinic to be called...they start all over again asking me these exact same questions regarding their anatomy.

(I am however seriously considering offering breast exams in fiscal 2007)

***********************

1979 or 80....I'm in this Jewish bakery (I'm not, but they always had these killer maple bars) in the best of areas.  If I recall, the toilet paper in the bathroom was old used 20's.

For the benefit of those who have always had multiple choices in designer jeans, I'm pushing the big 5 OHHHHH and there was a time (back when the dinosaurs still roamed the Earth) that there were essentially 3 choices for jeans...Levis, Wranglers and the store brand.

Then came everyone and their brother selling "name" jeans for unheard of prices, torn, speckled, painted, lathered, thrashed, trashed, lowered, raised, branded, stenciled, sewn with gold thread, sewn with platinum thread....you get the picture.

Every week it seemed some new designer somewhere had a new "GOT TO HAVE 'EM" jean style.

No one could keep track of them, and no one knew what would be cool next week.

The late 70's/early 80's were the designer jeans era.  If you didn't have a pair...you were a Looooooooooser.

So, I'm 19 or so, in this Jewish bakery, in a very money'd town, and this woman is standing next to me, maybe 40 something, well kept, I'm sure she had 8 housekeepers, I'm waiting in line to get my maple bars, and she's just staaaarrrring at me....like she's looking right through me!

I look over, she looks up, down and sideways at my jeans, I look back at her, she looks up at me, and she asks me "WHERRRRRRRRRE did you GET those JEANS?????!!!!!"

I thought about it for a second and say..."Uhmmm....SEARS I think...not really sure".

She is truly astounded at this news and says "NO WAY!!!! What did you have to pay for them??????"

(Now, remember, this is 1979 or so) "Maybe ten bucks???"

"NO WAYYYYYYY!!!!!"

I said..."Ma'am...they're Levis....I suppose you can get them cheaper in some places".

"But, they're clearly designer jeans...I can't believe you only paid ten BUCKS for those!!!!"

It then dawned on me that she thought all the speckles all over my jeans were intentional, whereupon I looked at her with total and obvious pity for her more than clear and apparent lack and said....

"Ma'am...I'm a painter".

She quit bothering me.

< Message edited by LTRsubNW -- 9/6/2006 6:50:14 PM >

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/6/2006 6:19:49 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreoleCook

With gasoline prices on the rise, this one redneck decides to go steal some gas from all the parked RV's next to his trailer park.  So he sneaks over one night, drops a hose down into a tank, and begins the old fashioned technique of syphoning gas. 

when the police arrived, shortly after the paramedics, the owner of the RV was crying from laughing so hard.  It seems the redneck put the hose down the septic tank, instead of the gas tank....  your sign will be posted on your hospital bed.

---------------------------------------------




A lot of people think this is just some old made up story...the truth is, it really happened.

They found the guy about 35 feet away in a bush ralphing his guts out, the cops asked the owner of the RV if he wanted to press charges....

The RV owner looked over at the kid, already turning every shade of purple known to man, then looked over at the cop and said..."Nawww....I think he's been punished enough already".

(in reply to CreoleCook)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 7:00:49 AM   
aslv2kneel


Posts: 28
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		those were very funny and thanks

in appreciation i pulled down me pants to show you your sign

it reads as follows

you are

#1

lol (no disrespect - simply tongue in cheek)

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 7:38:58 AM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks...those were great!

I have one.  Back in England I was called for jury duty and one of the cases I was on was a post office robbery.   Two men had broken into a post office and tried to steal from the safe, when they couldn't open the safe they decided to take it with them.  So, they carry the safe out of the post office and head to their car which was parked about a mile away...a long way with a very heavy safe.  After a short distance they got tired and called the police to come get them.

Try keep your face straight in the jury box on THAT one!

(in reply to aslv2kneel)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 10:13:40 AM   
Saratov


Posts: 1716
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		 Why even waste the courts time with those guys?  I figure them calling the police and having the safe is enough... just sentance them.

(in reply to MzTlaz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 10:28:43 AM   
RubberWitch


Posts: 1368
Joined: 7/27/2005
Status: offline 		Stupid people deserve their time in court too.
But lawyers are just taking that to excess.

J

(in reply to Saratov)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 5:13:50 PM   
Muttley9


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		Twofer:

A lady who has lived in a particular city her entire life finds to her dismay that a new hotel has a number one digit different for hers.
After politely fielding calls from people wanting to reserve rooms and the various meeting and party rooms, she finally tires of this annoyance.
Being a well brought up lady, she calls the new hotel and explains her issue to the manger.
He rather snottily informs her that this will be impossible as they have their stationery and other paper goods already imprinted with this number and they not about to change it.
She politely thanks him for his time and ends the call.
From then on she started accepting reservations, giving each caller the exact dates and times they requested. :)
You can imagine the ensuing chaos that resulted... triple-booked wedding receptions... double-booked meeting rooms...
The hotel went out of business in six months. :)

This one actually happened in my hearing in a familiar to those of us in Florida grocery store.
I was in the check out line behind a lady with a baby and a lady a darling little 3 or 4 year old girl.
Our little darling was insistently pulling on her mothers dress.
I flashed back to my son and even myself at that age and assumed the little girl was trying to promote a candy bar or soem other sweet.
Finally her mother looked down  and said to her in a very firm tone, "No, you can't have a baby sister. That lady in front of us got the last one."
Just imagine thinking you get baby sisters in the freezer section... and then imagine what a shock the very idea of sex will be to her. :)


(in reply to RubberWitch)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 5:16:02 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aslv2kneel

those were very funny and thanks

in appreciation i pulled down me pants to show you your sign

it reads as follows

you are

#1

lol (no disrespect - simply tongue in cheek)


(Hopefully that's your tongue)

(in reply to aslv2kneel)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Here's your Sign! - 9/7/2006 7:49:56 PM   
CreoleCook


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline 		Local newspaper ad in the real estate section:
4 br, 2 ba located on lake.
Great for tits and family.
call...

_____________________________

"If I owned Texas, and Hell, I would rent out Texas, and live in Hell." ~Gen. John Sheridan, 1855

"I was thinking of the immortal words of socrates, who said, 'I drank what?'" ~Chris Knight, Real Genius

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 20
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