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Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/4/2006 11:30:17 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		This is something that most of us must face eventually. A parent that is in need of care beyond what you are capable of either physically, mentally or emotionally. I am in this situation.

My mother is disabled and is basically housebound. I can get her in and out of her house without too much fuss, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult as her condition deteriorates. I have had to ask other people to help me get her in and out of her house and that is something that I do not feel right doing. I feel that if I cannot get her out of the house on my own then she shouldn't be living in her house that is not retrofitted for a handicapped person.

I am basically doing almost everything for her except cooking. If it isn't laundry, it is the back porch light. If it isn't her grass needs to be cut it is "Can you take me to the doctor?" She basically no longer asks, she tells me these things need to be done and quite frankly, I cannot handle it much longer. She is becoming increasingly more dependent in her insistence at remaining independent. I just do not know how much more of this that I can honestly take.

I am concerned for her welfare because if there was a fire at her home she wouldn't be able to get out in time. If she fell she would not be able to get to a phone easily if at all. She refuses to get a life alert alarm so that if something would happen she would be able to get help. I have offered to take her to a senior center that is a half block away from her house so she could get out and do some activities and meet people and make new friends. She won't do it.

I have talked to her about getting assistance to come into her home and do basic chores for her. She won't hear of it. She doesn't want anyone in her house because she can't trust them. It isn't like she has bars of gold laying around.

I am fried. I am teetering at a breaking point which I fear will end up in disaster for me. I mean having a breakdown. My nerves are shot to the point that whenever the phone rings I cringe because I am afraid that it is her with yet another thing for me to do.

Look, I might sound like a calloused ungrateful fuck, but I have to take care of myself too. I have a hard enough time with daily life without having to worry if her wild birds are fed or some other thing. I am tired.

I have really tried everything and there is no one else that can help me except for my best friend but he has troubles of his own with his parents being in poor health and in need of care also.

My mother and I have not had a very close relationship throughout my life and that fact makes this all the more difficult to deal with because I do care what happens to her but a part of me really resents the fact that when I needed her she was never there.

I am at wits end. I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation. How did you handle it? What help were you eventually able to convince them to get if any? How did you handle the stress on your own life? Who (if anyone) supported you to help you cope?

I do not want to have this be horror stories although I am sure that there are many out there. I don't need horror stories, I am living one right now. I need to have some suggestions on how to go about doing this without having another nervous breakdown.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 9/4/2006 11:33:18 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 12:10:07 AM   
seeksfemslave


Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		You have a very difficult problem, but in my opinion you SHOULD offer the necessary support. The difficulty is a financial one where you need to provide support for yourself and your immediate family, if you have one.

I am not speaking from book learning, I have gone through the same experience. It is difficult and gets steadily worse. No use beating about the bush.

Cant comment on the help you may get in the US because I dont live there. In the real world when parent/child relationships are not always ideal, past difficulties will now rise up and bite you.

Nothing positive here I know, but you are not in a situation with a likely positive outcome. I am afraid that what you dont want to hear and what is likely to happen just dont go together.
Genuinely Sorry !

< Message edited by seeksfemslave -- 9/5/2006 12:15:42 AM >

(in reply to Gauge)
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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 12:19:46 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		One of life's biggest challenges is caring for elderly parents and having your own life to contend with. Despite the factor or absence of closeness during your lifetime with the parent, the bloodline bond exists and cannot be severed. Having lost a wonderful mother at an early age, and still having to contend with a father who never really loved or accepted his own children.. who is her total opposite, I sympathize fully with your circumstances.

At some point in peoples's lives we all will become incapable of taking care of ourselves, leaving few options. A prevailing end result is nursing care or a nursing home/retirement home live in type institution. As is normal, the afftected person exists in denial and depends heavily on any relative, while placing heavy emphasis on their refusal to accept reality... feelings of fear for strangers elevated to near paranoia, demanding rather than asking...

Alternatives are Hospice type programs where the elderly are visited in their homes regularly by nurses, assistance from other agencies for home visitation (ie. food/shopping, doctor office trips), most states/counties have elderly or handicapped assistance programs.

There comes a point of few remaining options, and the elderly parent will fight it off... But logic ultimately prevails and a choice must be made with their concurrence or not, for their own good.  I could only suggest discussing the severity of reality with your mother and reason with her as best as is possible, otherwise you may have to decide for her which she will resent. Tell her this is your predicament also and you only want the best for her... yet you have your life issues to handle daily also.

It's a tough row to hoe, and the most difficult trick is to get the parent to realize and accept the actual reality... I'm sure she used to joke about it when she was younger as we are prone to do, that only makes it worse and her denial stronger.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 12:33:00 AM   
newdombbw


Posts: 84
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline 		Gauge:

First, I'd like to commend you.  Very few sons seem to be the one to step up to the plate.  Even if you're an only child, usually your wife or girlfriend would step up to be the primary caregiver.

Having said that, I just "did a Google" on two words - elder care.  Over 38 million hits (the best at the top, of course).  These will be your best sources of information.

Hang in there - my sister and I have our own story, of course - ongoing even now with our mother at the age of 88.  You also need a place to vent.  These sources can give you that as well.

Gea

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 12:35:31 AM   
ta2dqt


Posts: 375
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with many of the people here........BUT if you want any more info, please let me know, I have been taking care of the elderly for the last 7+ years.
MUCH love for you and your family...............


_____________________________

"Ask not that your Dom can do for you, but what you can do for your Dom."

"People are like fine wine, they get better with age!"

"Everything happens for a reason."



myspace.com/theoneandonlyta2dqt

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 1:19:03 AM   
swtsouthernsub


Posts: 477
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for the thread Gauge
 After reading the few post already I’m Nervous about posting this
This is just thoughts and opinions on this subject matter hopefully I will learn from others on this as well
I’ve often wonder how I will react to this situation myself my mother is still capable of doing for her self but since we live together its only fair to take the load off of her at times its annoying and frustrating she works still and I work in the house and yard
But occasions I still let her have a weekend of house chores if they get done so be it if not I’ll do it later but at times I do frustrating I feel she not pulling her weight 
 She was also separated from me at the age 10
 I hope I’ve gotten over my feelings of animosity I held on for so long for her not being there   wasn’t her fault father took us hundreds miles away so she couldn’t visit or calls got intercepted 
When the time does come I just pray I’m able to be the good kind loving person my Mother truly was in my years of getting to know her.
And look up to now
  It will get frustrating and annoying   bring you to the depths of sheer snapping in your mind   but I think back on the time my mother was there for me after my heart surgery
  Could   I not as an adult take care of her when the time   happen
What won’t kill you will make you stronger
 Going back to work   part time after my surgery I got in the field of sitting with the elderly quiet   rewarding job to be able to make them remember there life to laugh and feel life isn’t such a burden to the ones they   love to let them f eel still important
Sitting    talking about events that went on in there life taking them to the beauty parlor so they can if not but for one day feel good about themselves enjoy there company   they have wonderful stories to tell and learn from
 It made me feel good about who I was    but was a struggle at times getting them in and out of homes and cars but I managed cussed cried a couple of times
But remember if it wasn’t for mothers we wouldn’t be here today to ponder on where life going to take us and what we learned or not learned from them and possibly not make the same mistakes    but of course this is this is just my thoughts and opinions hope it helped a little


_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 1:57:00 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Guage,

I feel for you, truly.  In a similar situation, this is how my grandmother was with my aunt, and with me at times as well.  My grandmother would not allow help to come to the house, and insisted on her daughter only.  Like you, the life was becoming sucked from my aunt, as there was simply too much to juggle. 

Our parents, grandparents, etc., deserve of course, to be taken care of.  But at the risk of sounding horribly cold, this does not give them license to abuse the love and aid of their offspring without regard for the other lives affected.  Surely a balance must be struck. 

In my grandmother's case, my aunt sought out a very reputable assisted living center very close to my grandmother's residence, brought there there, and informed her this is where she would be living.  Trust me there was screaming and gnashing of teeth.  But we were all very supportive ,and I took my grandmother there before she moved, to see her apartment.  We walked in and she groaned, "This will be the death of me."  But we all chipped in and decorated it with all her favorite things from her home, so it even smelled like her home.

To her own amazement, she blossomed there.  She was no longer lonely, as she ran into people she knew from way back when, and joined bridge clubs and was social at meal time.  Living alone for so many years, she didn't realize how lonely she had become. 

We visited her regularly and still took her out and on errands (but the center also helped balance the errand running, too).

These places are pricey, but when the family is involved, the care (as I experienced in this particular place) was very good.

My father was recently ill and my parents refused hospice, until I spent a weekend with them and sat them both down on yet another Monday morning that I was missing work.  Very lovingly yet firmly, I told them, "It is no longer reasonable to handle this on our own.  This simply can not continue.  It is time for outside help.  Today we are going to look into that.  I am who you depend on for help, and this is how I am going to provide it now."

They both looked at me, like wide-eyed children, and said "Okay honey."

Perhaps that is an approach you can use.  The problem is when we have enabled them to take advantage for so long, merging away from that becomes very difficult.

If the grass needs cutting, hire a gardener for the day:  "Mom, this is so n so.  He is going to cut your lawn today.  I'm off now, have a wonderful day." 

Lots of communities have volunteers for seniors who drive them to appointments:  "Mom, so n so is going to be picking you up at 1:00 for your hair appointment today. I've heard she's a nice woman.  Try to be nice to her okay?!"

Life gets so difficult when we become old.  The elderly are often resistant to change, particularly when it's a result of their declining heath - it is scary for them.  But eventually they need to gently begin taking responsibility for some of their choices.  If she prefers to sit home alone all day rather than go to the senior center, that is her choice, and you do not own that. It is so easy to get sucked into owning the problems of another.  We can do what we reasonably can do, and not much else.  When the choices of others directly affect our ability to cope, they need to be revisited.  So do our responses to it.

I do feel for you, and wish you the best.

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 4:23:41 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice here, Gauge. Owned is right, sit down with her, and with firmness and love tell her what you need to do to help her.
 
Hang in there, pal.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 4:40:02 AM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		ownedgirlie,

that was a really great reply and I hope he takes your advice.

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 4:52:58 AM   
KenDckey


Posts: 4121
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		Gauge.   You have my respect.  I will tell you what happened to me and my family.  My grandfather died of a stroke and 7 days later to the hour, my father, little 8 yr old sister and myself at 12 were sitting in her living room when she had a stroke.  Dad took her to the hospital and she wound up in a rest home. 

Dad couldn't handle it and brought her home within a few months.  Dad's brother wouldn't help him at all.  She required total care.  My sister and I learned to wipe her butt, wash and bathe her, drag her in and out of bed to her wheelchair, feed her, everything.  We lived in a 2 bedroom house and Grandmother took over the living room.  Dad boxed in the carport and that became our family room.

The effect upon my sister and I was total loss of friends.  No one would come over.  I finally had a few buds that came over but that was all.   Word spread and I had trouble getting a date partially because of her partially because I was a real geek.  Same thing happened to my sister.

When my mother was visiting my sister in Colorado she was overcome by the altitude and lack of oxygen.   I was notified and went to Colorado Springs where the tests were finsihed.  She was brain dead.  Dad was going to sign the paperwork to have the plug pulled on her and my sister and I said no you aren't.   We told dad that it was a family decision, not just his - legality didn't matter.  We signed the paperwork together witnessed by several friends and one of my sons.  There was no doubt in the eyes of the law, or anyone else for that matter, that we all agreed that we didn't want her kept alive mechanically and as a "vegetable."

Because of our childhood experience my sister and I both don't want to be kept alive for the sake of being kept alive.  We also don't want our children to take us to their homes to care for us.   I am retired from the Army.   My sons have been instructed to ship me off to the Old Soldiers Home or wherever they choose till I die.  My sister has given similar instructions to her daughter.

The strain, physically and psychologically, is more than should be bared by anyone person or family.  You earned my respect for trying, but my advice is now is the time to put your foot down with your mom and get the help you need.  That doesn't mean you have to completely pull out of her life.  There are professionals, most of which are CNA's (certified nursing assistants) that well move in and help deal with her on a day to day basis.  These are live-ins.  I know several and found them to be trustworthy.  Yes there are those that aren't, and you will have to weed them out during the interview process.  Ask for references and check them out completely.  Have your mother provide some input in the interview process.  If there is someone that checks out clean and she even halfway likes then this is probably the one for you.

My 2 cents.    Ken

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 6:10:50 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		  Gauge,

My heart truly goes out to You, and please know, that even with all your doubts and internal conflicts , You're to be commended for caring enough to try   . 
You've been given wonderful advice here, ownedgirlie summed it up perfectly, in my opinion.

My dearest and most longtime friend went through a similiar situation with both her parents at the same time. Her two older siblings had moved just far enough away from home to avoid having to help.  My friend ended up having a break down trying to care for both her parents and her own family, and work a full time job. She finally had to threaten her older brother with legal action (he held power of attorny) in order to get 24/7 care.  Her father had provided for this financially, however all he saw was his potential inheritance being dwindled away.  They were incredible parents ( i know this because they were a part of my life since i was an infant) and deserved to be comfortable until the end of their days.

My own mother and i have discussed this at length, and have formed a plan A....AND a plan B that we can both live with.  Be honest with Your mother,  be gentle...but firm.  I'm sure she would not want to be a source of anguish to You.

Newdombbw  gave excellent advice also...research the options..

Best of luck Gauge....and keep Your chin up...



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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 8:50:50 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I just spend the last 14 year's of my life taking care of both of my parents until their passing.  Through various diseases.  Time's they could not walk and I had to carry them. 
I was the one who ultimately had to unplug my mother and watch her take her last breath.  I was there as my dad made a bargain with his maker.  He died the way he had always wanted to die.
Both were proud people.  Just as your mother is today.  They did not want to admit they needed help.  Its easier to ask your child to help you than it is to admit you need help from a stranger.
I know both of my parents had their feelings of guilt because they needed me so much.  The one thing I got out of it is zero regrets.  I know I did the absolute best I could do for them.  I know I made their last year's happy.
I also put my own life on hold.  I did not sell my house when I wanted to because I was afraid my dad would leave and not remember where he lived to return.  I did not get married because in my mind I could not burden my husband with my life.
They were my choices and I do not regret them for I still have many year's of my own life to live.
I do know the pride they have inside.
The only advice I can offer you is be honest.  Tell her exactly how you feel.  Tell her you love her but you really need help because "you" cannot handle it anymore.  It is not that you don't want to but you cannot.
There is a  kid down the street saving for ????? he really needs help and money.  Could he mow the lawn once a week?  It could help him purchase ???
Can we bring in a maid once a week?  If you are worried she will steal I will be here to watch her.  She won't be alone. 
If all else fails, could she move in with you?  I had my parents in my house in their last years so it probably made my life a bit easier.  I had to take care of my house anyway.  It was just taking care of them as well.
Also keep in mind you are not a bad person because you get tired and think of the day you will be free.  We've all been there and thought about it.
We all do need time for ourselves. 
When my mother passed I created "family night"  It was one day a week I cooked a huge dinner and dessert and we rented movies.  Sat down as a family and talked.  It really helped dad.  That is the one night that no matter what else happened Doug would be there and a couple of the grandkids.  Wish my brother had made a showing even once...though he just didn't care.  He lived 20 minutes away and we hadn't seen him but on holidays or when he needed something for 15 year's.  Yet, that is a different story within itself.
In any event after having Doug there dad also came to rely on him a bit.  It really helped the stress. 
Though in dealing with it in the long term I suggest you tell her you need the help.  It may just work.  If not, you can tell her you are about at the point of a nervous breakdown.  She needs to fully understand the stress it is putting upon you.  That way the two of you can help one another.

(in reply to Gauge)
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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 8:55:44 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This is definitely a reason people should look into getting Long Term Care insurance.  While primarily designed for this very situation, it can also be of assistance if a child or younger adult has to deal with a long term ailment that requires constant and close attention.

Depending on the coverage you get, rates can be locked in early and not change as you get older, can be used towards your parents or other people (so it's not an issue of legal marriage and such as so many other forms of disability insurance are), and can even be a direct regular payout to the policyholder and used for ANY services they deem appropriate.

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 10:19:54 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Hi Gauge

My parents are still fairly young and healthy, so I cant pretend for one minute to know what you are going through. I just wanted to say that I hope to goodness that when my parents are older and fall ill, that I can be as strong and caring as you are being to your mom right now, and that I have as much good advice and empathy available to me as you have received here.

I do get the part about not being close to your mom and this getting in the way a little though. My mom had me when she was very young and my grandma was more of a mom to me than she ever was. It was only when I went through something of a personal crisis that my mom developed any maternal feelings for me at all, but even now thats too little too late to overcome a lifetime of her angry resentment of me. It made me strong and independent, but I wish I had received the love lavished on my younger siblings I can tell you. I have yet to learn whether I could now give my love to her when she will need it, but I hope like you I will give it regardless, and I hope my son turns out to be as strong and caring as you.  

E

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 5:08:57 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Old people are stubborn and all you can do is let the stay that way. They have lived there life and aren't kids anymore. They have earned the right to act like kids but not be treated like them. All you can do is allow her to have it her way and be happy. However, if and when her wishes overstrain your physical and mental bounds, push will have to come to shove when gettng maids and house aides to take on some of the load.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 5:34:07 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I am with you to the gills, G.  My dad died in his house of lung cancer in april, my mom is incapable of anything much at all.  My sister is named administrator  and we had a come to jesus. Mom got come in help, oh, she fuckin railed boy, she fuckin railed.  I went in to the house, same deal, don't trust, loaded up all her valuable shit, you know what I mean, the little-rubberband that General Pershing never saw, the molten bolts of cloth from the 70s that I am sure everybody would steal, just to get the ugly looking shit out of sight.........

I drove the lady over, went to take a nap, and let them talk (the lady is a mrs, doubtfire type).  When they get older, they are like deer, don't have the same time constraints as humans and can't imagine that  you are in the  middle of it.

Oh, I still go and change the inevitable light bulb and shit.

I don't know your situation, it is hard to treat a parent like a child, but that is what it is, I suppose.

Ron


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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 7:21:52 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Well, she's not "independent" anymore, is she?
I went through the exact same thing for two years then another year as executor.
First, get a lawyer and get appointed as guardian. That will let you make financial and other decisions.
Also it will let you get part time help.
When you're her guardian you can do basically anything she can do financially and legally.
Then you can hire help etc.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 7:25:51 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Gauge:

If you do not feel ready to have the conversation with your Mom that ownded suggested,
< which is a conversation you will eventually have to have at some point> I suggest you speak with her MD. Call MD or make an appointment to speak with him/her. Explain the extent of your mothers limitaitons, the fact that she is unable to care for herself, that if there were a fire or emergency she would be in danger, that she is at risk for falls and is resisting preventative measures and so on and so forth. Explain your concerns and explain the toll this is taking on you.
Then ask the MD if s/he will have a conversation with your Mom about accepting assitance.
I may be wrong, but if the MD knew the extent of your Moms limitations and the amount of help she requires, s/he would have already had this conversation. I am guessing your Mom is not being completely truthful about her ability to care for herself with the MD.
Often times when this sort of thing is a discussion initiated by an elder's MD, they tend to comply. And for you, it takes the burden of being the hard ass off of you.

I work in Hospice and have done home care and I can assure you many, many parents tell their children " No, I don't want that ", but when it comes from the MD they listen. They are from the generation that views Doctors as God. < lol>

If you decide to use this approach, feel free to e mail me on the other side and I can give you a roadmap of how to go about initiating this convo with MD and the points to emphasize.

Another suggestion I have for you is for you to go to the Council on Aging in your community. Explain the situation and your own personal situation. They have many resources available for you.

                          mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

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RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 7:48:27 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot

Gauge:

If you do not feel ready to have the conversation with your Mom that ownded suggested,
< which is a conversation you will eventually have to have at some point> I suggest you speak with her MD. Call MD or make an appointment to speak with him/her. Explain the extent of your mothers limitaitons, the fact that she is unable to care for herself, that if there were a fire or emergency she would be in danger, that she is at risk for falls and is resisting preventative measures and so on and so forth. Explain your concerns and explain the toll this is taking on you.
Then ask the MD if s/he will have a conversation with your Mom about accepting assitance.
I may be wrong, but if the MD knew the extent of your Moms limitations and the amount of help she requires, s/he would have already had this conversation. I am guessing your Mom is not being completely truthful about her ability to care for herself with the MD.
Often times when this sort of thing is a discussion initiated by an elder's MD, they tend to comply. And for you, it takes the burden of being the hard ass off of you.


I really agree with you here.  In fact, I had attended all my Dad's critical doctors appointments and I would take notes for him because both my parents were so stressed they would get in the car and ask, "What did the doctor just say?" 

So what I would do, is ask the doctor, in my parents presence, questions geared specifically to relay information to my parents that they needed to hear from a more "credible" source.  About 50% of the time, it took.

I'm glad you brought this up, because with all that has gone on, I forgot about that.

Now that my mom is alone for the first time in her life, she doesn't know how to do anything - manage her money, pay her bills, you name it.  So I am teaching her, which takes a lot of patience.  The key for me is knowing when to hold her hand, and when she must take her own steps without me as a crutch.  A fine balance, for sure.  But when the plumbing goes out, we hire a plumber.  One can not be an expert in all things.  Ulitizing resources is imperative.

(in reply to maybemaybenot)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Taking Care of an Elderly Parent - 9/5/2006 8:10:27 PM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		My mom came to this point about a year ago when my step father passed away.  She has dementia and macular degeneration.  She about burned the house down around her.  I live too far away to be there all the time and no jobs for me in that area.  Too many steps inside my house make it impossible for her to be with me. 

Look in the phone book for "agency on aging" look for county health departments.  A lot of them provide baths, housekeeping, meals on wheels and other services to help people stay in their home.  My mother and step father used those services for quite some time before his death.  In larger communities there are often services that come 24 hours a day if needed.  There are such things as senior companions who get paid to run errands and take them to the doctor. 

Sit her down and tell her how its going to be.  This isn't a time to defer to her as your mother. Expect her to resist it.  My mother still insists that she could live at home.  Often they get mad at you but you have to just accept that their minds are not what they once were. 

Eventually it will be assisted living, shop around often they are half the price of a nursing home.  However most of them have requirements of being ambulatory. 


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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