RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help!

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/7/2006 4:22:10 AM

QueenLivia

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/23/2006
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Thank you for your comments. I really have to do some self introspection. I constantly refer to Jay Wiseman's SM 101 and other sites for suggestions. It is not an easy route but in my heart I know I always liked BDSM. Thank you again.

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/7/2006 8:52:19 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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OK it sounds like you never really HAD either one of these boys. They tell you what they want and you're doing your best to comply. THIS IS NOT DOMINANT!!!

If this is what you want then great but a service top more covers what you're talking about. If you're unsure about who you are, your expectations or your limits these guys will just walk all over you then blame you for not meeting their needs. Pay attention to that part MEET THEIR NEEDS. See something wrong with that?

I am a Domme and know who I am and what I want out of a relationship. My boys are there to serve MY needs, not their own. Fetishes, fantasies and their desires do occasionally come into play but normally in the form of a reward in my time, on my whim.

A play collar is very different than something that would require a collaring ceremony. For me it signals their transition from their vanilla day and into their service. In my experience this is important for executives because it clearly signals that they aren't in charge anymore. I prefer a chunky collar with multiple connection rings as it leaves a lot of options for how I use that tool. I make sure that I apply and remove the collar. I wait until it is time for them to leave before removing it, have them kneel again and slowly remove it while telling them what a good boy they are. For my executives I would tell them something along the lines of go out there and be the strong man, take no prisoners, make that big deal for me. This helps get them back into a dominant mindset and reinforces that they're doing it for you. It also gives them clear boundaries.

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/7/2006 9:18:50 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenLivia

Thank you for your comments. I really have to do some self introspection. I constantly refer to Jay Wiseman's SM 101 and other sites for suggestions. It is not an easy route but in my heart I know I always liked BDSM. Thank you again.

No offense to Jay, but I'd find a more female point of view. Claudia Varrin or Elise Sutton have great books out on the psychology of female domination.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/7/2006 11:45:04 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenLivia

Thank you for your comments. I really have to do some self introspection. I constantly refer to Jay Wiseman's SM 101 and other sites for suggestions. It is not an easy route but in my heart I know I always liked BDSM. Thank you again.

No offense to Jay, but I'd find a more female point of view. Claudia Varrin or Elise Sutton have great books out on the psychology of female domination.

I'd go with "The Topping Book" or "The Loving Dominant" myself. I find Varrin and Sutton to be rather gender stereotyped and a bit too focused on "role-playing" for my personal taste.

Ultimately confiding oneself to one or two sources is probably never the best course.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/7/2006 11:26:43 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I'd go with "The Topping Book" or "The Loving Dominant" myself. I find Varrin and Sutton to be rather gender stereotyped and a bit too focused on "role-playing" for my personal taste.

Those two were referred to her specific to her previous questions about roleplay, etc. There is a method to my madness, really there is.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 5:32:08 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Ok, this is just my point of view but reading the original question what I think we have here is someone who is fixated on *BDSM*. In her mind it's all about the *play*..tell me in a step by step process how to set up a scene. I dont know if the couple have a bdsm relationship in which dominantion and submisssion have even come into the equation. She wants to know first I make him kneel and crawl to me when he gets into the bedroom and then I place the collar around his neck and call him a bitchworm and tell him he is hardly good enough to wear the mark of my ownership but Im going to give him a chance now to prove how *good* a boy he can be. What the rest of us are talking about is how to grow a d/s realtionship in which both the dominant and the submissive get what they need and evolve through training, interaction and *BDSM* play. That's just what I think so telling her to learn her style and grow in her domination blah blah is like telling parrot how to be a fish. Just my humble opinion

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 7:01:03 AM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
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When I started out as a Domme I was confused in the same way as the OP and was disillusioned & disapointed to the point of walking away from the lifestyle for a year. Most of my heartache came from my inability to control the sub and being inundated by the subs fantasies & feeling like it was my obligation to fulfill them

(where tha fack did I get this concept? The Dom's that trained me unfortunatly)

During that time of lay off, I fantasised about what I would do if I could do what ever I wanted with a man or woman. I had an elaborite micro-managed to most minute detail type fantasy going on. It ended up being a 2 page letter tha I sent to prospective slaves a year later after tumbling around in my brain & finally making it's way onto paper. It serves me and my life to make me fulfilled and content in all the areas that I once was trying to do all for myself. Now I have a submissive do it for me and make my life better.

So to thine own self be True.

Learn from within what you want & then go out and be a ruthless Bitch in trying to get it. I rarely bend anymore and then I quickly get my footing again. It is a learning process on a daily basis for someone like me with less than a year in the lifestyle.

On my first meeting with a sub you need to estabish who is in control from the beginning. If he really wants to serve he will stay. If he wants his fantasies met he won't meet you in the first place because you have already established an idea to him what serving you means.

You Ladies that responded with such excellent advise impressived me. I only wish that I had this information when I first started out.

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 7:57:44 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn

Ok, this is just my point of view but reading the original question what I think we have here is someone who is fixated on *BDSM*. In her mind it's all about the *play*..<snipped>

I don't disagree with you, Silverdawn, to this extent:
I read that the OP is in the stage where she feels that the BDSM play is the core of the relationship. Perhaps she is just not expressing herself clearly enough. I agree that the empahsis was placed on the "roleplay", but I feel that the intent is the time to develop the D/s. Since she has already lost one boy who felt she wasn't sadistic enough, and is worried about losing this one, it sounds like a full "relationship" is very important to her. Therefore, I, and I believe others, are trying to steer her in the direction of confidence and integrating the D/s into all aspects of the relationship.
The OP's profile does make it clear that she is not in a rush to get to the *play*, and that she does seek a relationship which will focus on the Dom/sub dynamic. Instead she is allowing these subs (or masochistic bottoms, if you will) to dictate the fantasies and the play times, and then there is no basis for anything more than the roleplay. And I agree that if one accepts a masochistic bottom and that is the basis of the relationship, then the two better be on the same page, because, to Me, it is similar to testing a partner in bed before you bother to find out if the rest of his/her personality is worth your interest. I prefer to take the opposite approach.
We can find a body to abuse on 5 minutes notice. That is not hard. It is, in fact, what most boys offer us, and become puzzled when we say no thanks. And if we get our satisfaction then it really doesn't matter if the boy preferred something more or different. Because there is no real emotional connection yet. Play partners are easy to find, use and throw away. A relationship takes more.
I read that the OP wants that kind of relationship, and does not want to lose this one. She is, IMO, doomed to lose him, if there is nothing solid to develop.
YMMV

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They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 10:28:22 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

When I started out as a Domme I was confused in the same way as the OP and was disillusioned & disapointed to the point of walking away from the lifestyle for a year. Most of my heartache came from my inability to control the sub and being inundated by the subs fantasies & feeling like it was my obligation to fulfill them

(where tha fack did I get this concept? The Dom's that trained me unfortunatly)

During that time of lay off, I fantasised about what I would do if I could do what ever I wanted with a man or woman. I had an elaborite micro-managed to most minute detail type fantasy going on. It ended up being a 2 page letter tha I sent to prospective slaves a year later after tumbling around in my brain & finally making it's way onto paper. It serves me and my life to make me fulfilled and content in all the areas that I once was trying to do all for myself. Now I have a submissive do it for me and make my life better.

So to thine own self be True.

Learn from within what you want & then go out and be a ruthless Bitch in trying to get it. I rarely bend anymore and then I quickly get my footing again. It is a learning process on a daily basis for someone like me with less than a year in the lifestyle.

On my first meeting with a sub you need to estabish who is in control from the beginning. If he really wants to serve he will stay. If he wants his fantasies met he won't meet you in the first place because you have already established an idea to him what serving you means.

You Ladies that responded with such excellent advise impressived me. I only wish that I had this information when I first started out.

I can't even imagine what it must be like for a woman to realize she has some femdom urges or bdsm leanings and then her first experiences with submissive men are to be bombarded with the laundry lists, expectations, drama, name calling, etc. When I give advice to "vanilla" women who are putting their toe in the water with a submissive boyfriend or husband, my first advice is that the man agree to get rid of his toys (at least put them away), fantasies, expectations, outfits, roleplaying, EVERYTHING.

I firmly believe that a woman can embrace femdom much easier if she does it on her own terms, and then adds the "props" and "roleplay" and "fetishes" later.

I got into dominating men on my own and because of my own head and desires; the first men I dominated were vanilla boyfriends. They did what I said because they wanted to please me, even though the things I asked seemed weird. My formative dating years (this was before I had ever experienced an orgasm or intercourse) were full of experimentation with guys who just went along with it, sometimes nervous and sometimes excited, just because it went along with the package of dating me. Having a few years of that kind of freedom helped me build my own desires, expectations, understand my urges, identify my needs, etc.

Otherwise, I don't think I would have been equipped to deal with submissive men, ironically. Because one common thing I have found is that many sub men need to be "wrangled" a little, to show them how to keep their needs/wishes in check, to show them how to properly submit and give a woman the space to have her way. It also helps me differentiate between bottoms (guys who have a specific fetish or fetishes they want indulged, first and foremost) and those that want to submit (they are happy to submit to me, even if it does not match their fantasies, but even they don't know it yet).

But without all that messing around and experimenting in a pressure-free environment with men who really didn't have any fetish or kink expectations, I think I would have turned sour on the whole thing.

Akasha

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 1:47:10 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn

Ok, this is just my point of view but reading the original question what I think we have here is someone who is fixated on *BDSM*. In her mind it's all about the *play*..tell me in a step by step process how to set up a scene. I dont know if the couple have a bdsm relationship in which dominantion and submisssion have even come into the equation. She wants to know first I make him kneel and crawl to me when he gets into the bedroom and then I place the collar around his neck and call him a bitchworm and tell him he is hardly good enough to wear the mark of my ownership but Im going to give him a chance now to prove how *good* a boy he can be. What the rest of us are talking about is how to grow a d/s realtionship in which both the dominant and the submissive get what they need and evolve through training, interaction and *BDSM* play. That's just what I think so telling her to learn her style and grow in her domination blah blah is like telling parrot how to be a fish. Just my humble opinion

And in my mind, there's nothing wrong with that so long as when you're asking questions, you're not mixing it up with "relationship/power exchange" questions giving the impression you're doing something other than just play.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Newbie Domme Does not want to lose her 2nd sub. Help! - 9/8/2006 9:35:10 PM

sjskuared

Posts: 51
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline

I think it is important to find someone who has the same interests. After that you are in charge, decide on what you want and go for it. Establishing and maintaining control is something I like a domme to do from the beginning, both sides should be clear about what they want and are looking for but the submissive should expect it to be done on the dominant's timetable.

If you are dealing with a new submissive then there will be a learning curve for both of you. Keep in mind your desires should be paramount. As a submissive I am there to serve and obey the dominant. If we are not compatible then it won't last.

Good luck.

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Post #: 31