compatability

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

compatability

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> compatability

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

compatability - 9/6/2006 9:48:56 PM

pebbleskajira

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

How do you approach a situation where the slave needs/craves affection (kissing, cuddling, non-sexual touching) and the Master isn't a physically affectionate kind of guy, and it makes Him uncomfy...

thought this was a good one...

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 9:55:47 PM

ownedandcollared

Posts: 217
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline

Then, i would imagine the Master would just need to say no, and the slave to deal with the lack thereof.

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 9:58:20 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I would not be in a relationship with one who I was not compatable with. If I required touch and he did not provide it that would be a problem.

Is this problem big enough to be a deal breaker, only those in the situation can answer that. If I was not in the relationship yet then I would approach and speak to the Dominant about the issue and have some open honest discussion. Then and only then can everyone make a decision.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 9:58:35 PM

Honeybee80

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline

I believe that aftercare is a very important part of D/s. I'm not totally familiar with the Master/ slave dynamic vs. Dom/ sub, but from what I understand the slave does not typically get any consideration for their feelings. (just going off what I've read here) If this is you we are talking about, perhaps you would be better suited to being a sub instead of a slave, or perhaps you just need a different Master. One who will fulfill your needs.

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 10:00:24 PM

ownedandcollared

Posts: 217
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honeybee80

I believe that aftercare is a very important part of D/s. I'm not totally familiar with the Master/ slave dynamic vs. Dom/ sub, but from what I understand the slave does not typically get any consideration for their feelings. (just going off what I've read here) If this is you we are talking about, perhaps you would be better suited to being a sub instead of a slave, or perhaps you just need a different Master. One who will fulfill your needs.

That is not true. Most Masters consider the needs of their slaves.

(in reply to Honeybee80)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 10:00:39 PM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

If the slave's mission and purpose in the dynamic is to make the Master "uncomfy"... then you already know the answer.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 10:06:50 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Get it from some where else? i tend to do it alot. Like i've this one boy (aye and he's ma boy!) who teases and jokes around with me all night. He makes me feel special and beautiful and silly when i start stressing. He's there when i need him and just LOVES talking with me. Its awesome - ) Generally the only time we argue is when its late and i need to go to bed. He makes me FEEL good and i end up smiling and laughing all night.

When i need intellectual conversation, i call up one or two friends up in DC and converse with them. If i'm pissy, i call up my lesbian friend and listen to her bitch about how much men suck and every vaginal problem comes from them. Course she's hilarious too......

And if i'm in a REALLY bad mood and i cant take it out on those around me, i put myself in places that the wannabee Doms IM the tar out of me and let loose my tongue!

If i have questions.. i come here to collarme or random people. Generally i prefer collarme as i've already a good judge of the intellect running around here. With random ppl its a hit or miss type thing.

mmmmm i wonder if this is called out sourcing?

edited to add - If yer compatible in other ways.. and not in one area, i say get that "area" from some where else. Isnt that why we have a multitude of relationships? To give and take?

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 9/6/2006 10:11:06 PM >

(in reply to Honeybee80)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 10:17:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Buy a dog.

You could try discussing it, find out WHY it makes him uncomfy, explain exactly what the snuggling symbolizes to you and see if you can come to an understanding.

But some people just are comfy with some things and not with others. Some people express themselves differently. It doesn't mean they don't have those feelings, they just don't express them in the way that YOU have boxed them into.

Beyond the discussion, there's nothing you can or should expect though.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 10:22:53 PM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Yes, discuss it with him. Try to say something positive, like "I really love it when you put your arms around me." But do realize that there is a good chance that cuddling just isn't his thing, in which case, do you really want him to fake it for you?

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 11:04:21 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pebbleskajira

How do you approach a situation where the slave needs/craves affection (kissing, cuddling, non-sexual touching) and the Master isn't a physically affectionate kind of guy, and it makes Him uncomfy...

thought this was a good one...

I'm also a type that needs affection. If I've just done a difficult scene, or if I'm simply feeling lonesome, I need that physical touch to feel better and more connected- otherwise, I get depressed. I'm lucky to have a Dom that is similar in that- he likes to cuddle, too.

I would say if you're the one in this situation, you have two options readily available:
1. Either figure out a way to self-soothe and feel alright,
or
2. Talk openly about it to your Master. You should be able to come up with a solution that works for both of you. If that's something that would genuinely make you feel you could serve him better, it could be used as a reward for work well done or something, and he should feel it's important that your well-being needs some of this.

When I need some affection and my Dom isn't there, I hang out in a chair in our library that's really comfortable with a blanket, a good book, some tea, and my cat. Those things make me feel good, and help settle me a bit and keep me in a good headspace.

Hope this helps,
behindmirrors.

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: compatability - 9/6/2006 11:52:25 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedandcollared

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honeybee80

I believe that aftercare is a very important part of D/s. I'm not totally familiar with the Master/ slave dynamic vs. Dom/ sub, but from what I understand the slave does not typically get any consideration for their feelings. (just going off what I've read here) If this is you we are talking about, perhaps you would be better suited to being a sub instead of a slave, or perhaps you just need a different Master. One who will fulfill your needs.

That is not true. Most Masters consider the needs of their slaves.

Agreeing here. I am one of the most affectionate, touchy-feely people I know, and Master is...well...not!

To say he does not fulfill my needs would be criminal. And yet, while it was difficult at first to not get the touchy-feely stuff, it really boils down to knowing him deeply as a Master, a man, a human. That clunky pat on the head may just seem like a clunky pat on the head. But to him it is the same as an embrace. Who am I to tell him he doesn't tend to me correctly, when my life is so enhanced by him?

I guess what I am saying is it may be useful to weigh things out. No one thing makes a relationship. In my case, I am touchy-feely and affectionate with my friends and family, and that suits me well. And when Master does give me affection I am buttah, pure buttah.

(in reply to ownedandcollared)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 12:32:22 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I agree with LA, buying a dog might be a solution (I have two, and I find them adorable, and I also feel they are devoted to me, and so sweet and cuddly). Friends are affectionate in their own way, too, as riotgirl stated. owned girlie, I think, also has a good point. I appreciated what behindmirrors said as well (and foxglove).

More than one way to deal, then: Self-soothing (plus, in a loose def. of terms, buying a dog might be one of these ways, since it might not involve your Master making the decision for you, if he lets you decide whether or how to do it instead) and -communicating with him about how affection makes you feel, and asking how it makes him feel.

Owned1 is right, I think, it doesn't have to necessarily end up a deal-breaker. It is a good question to ask.

How does it make him feel? Does he feel you are affectionate? Maybe find out how you both define affection? (without "grilling" him). Guess first. I'd think about what he's ever said he appreciates about you, and, if you discuss it with him, one way would be to start by mentioning that, and let him know how much you like doing things for him that demostrate that quality in you he mentioned appreciating, and mention some things that indicate to you the ways he cares about you as well, so he won't think it's just a complaint. If he's never said he appreciates you (ever) I'd ask him why he does (after you tell him you appreciate him, and why).

*According to my pocket-sized American Century Thesaurus, the definition of Affection is: Goodwill (high regard), liking, fondness, loving attachment, tenderness, warmth, love. And - to be "affectionate" connotes being or expressing the above in regard to another being or thing, plus being "devoted", "doting", or "wam".

Are there ways in which he expresses this toward you? Affection, it seems, can come wrapped in varied ways.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/7/2006 1:00:51 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 3:32:23 AM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

This is something that you should have seriously considered before getting involved with this Dom. At this point in time, it basically comes down to one of you changing a lot, or both of you changing a little. Is that possible? Have you discussed this with your Dom? Remember: your Dom should be the person you should be appraoching about this.

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 3:50:28 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I guess it depends upon how much you need the physical affection. If you are a touchy feely person and that means a lot to you and he's not, then you either learn to live with it or find someone who is. I do think, tho, there are thing YOU can do to help fulfill that need. Like behind said, hang out in your favorite chair, read a book, take a bubble bath, do something physical...pamper yourself.

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 7:12:51 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Everyone has bad days and at times does not feel like "cuddling". I have an affectionate Daddy and I do not think I would pursue a relationship with someone that was unaffectionate. I would not fit with that person. There is nothing innately wrong with being unaffectionate and uncomfortable with it, but it would not suit me as a submissive to be with such a person.

I am also big on someone wanting to be affectionate, and if they were just being that way all the time to please me it would feel wrong to me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 7:23:59 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pebbleskajira

How do you approach a situation where the slave needs/craves affection (kissing, cuddling, non-sexual touching) and the Master isn't a physically affectionate kind of guy, and it makes Him uncomfy...

thought this was a good one...

You adjust your expectations and beliefs about how much affection that you believe you are due and treat the times that you do get the affection you crave as moments to treasure and savor (it takes time to adjust but I believe it can be done if the motivation to be with the person is strong enough). Or you ask for release.

Edited to add: I do think its a good idea to talk to him, but I wouldn't go into the discussion expecting any particular changes.

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 9/7/2006 7:27:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 7:31:11 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I am also big on someone wanting to be affectionate, and if they were just being that way all the time to please me it would feel wrong to me.

I agree with julia. Would you be satisfied with physical affection from him if you felt he was "doing it for you"? I suspect not.

So, there are two options in this sort of case.
1. Change your partner.
2. Change your orientation toward affection, specifically, affection from him.

Neither one is easy. Well, I supposed for some people it may be easy to find a new partner, but I have not known those people in my time here on the planet.

You can decide that a certain amount or frequency of physical affection is a must-have for you, that your needs are not being met, and end the relationship. That will probably be painful, but if you truly need more affection than he is willing or able to give, then it's a choice you may decide to make.

But, like my Daddy says sometimes: Need is a funny word.
Not funny haha so much as funny profound.
Not so much even funny profound so much as funny used-to-mean-a-lot-of-things-that-need-does-not-really-mean.

Would it be possible for you to endeavor to change your orientation toward affection from your dom so that you are able to enjoy it when it happens and process it as an exercise in masochism when you don't? Would it be possible for you to take on the (what you perceive as a) lack of physicality as a sort of exercise in detachment? Maybe you believe you need affection in quanities greater than you do. Maybe you would be able to learn something about yourself in the act of processing your feelings when you believe that you are not getting enough physical affection.

What does physical affection mean to you? Is it a form of validation? Does it make you feel secure physically and emotionally? Is there a way that you could delve into your relationship with physical affection so that you could end up getting more out of what is offered instead of looking for more?

These are just questions, not judgements. I dont know you or what your relationship is like. Someone who absolutely and completely withholds physical affection may have issues with intimacy that would ultimately block your relationship from deepening.

But, if he does provide you with some physical affection and if other things in the relationship are working well, this might be an area where you can offer up your submission (Giving up your "right" to have this desire attended to) and use it as a means of finding self-knowledge that might just lead to your being able to fill your own perceived need for validation more effectively. It won't be easy or fun, but it could be quite worthwhile.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 7:48:40 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

If your not compatible find someone that you are compatible with. You can't force a Master/Mistress to be the affectionate type if its just not in their nature. Some Owners prefer not to be affectionate or in *love* with their property as they feel it could undermine the dynamic of the relationship.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to pebbleskajira)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 7:51:41 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Welll heather I agree with your post. It is really easy to tell someone to find someone new, and it is indeed a harder thing to do in reality.

The rest of this is to the board in general and not you specifically heater. I did want to point out to people that believe that those with affection needs unmet they should suck it up...well people heal faster with affection, couples bond more, the chemistry of the human body changes when we are being loving in a physical way... individual needs for this vary, but to perform at our peak wellness level, some of us need this more than others... like some people need more food or water than others....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justheather)

Profile

Post #: 19

RE: compatability - 9/7/2006 9:28:04 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I wouldn't have gotten into such a relationship. Certainly she should have recognized his inability to give affection prior to giving a collar. And it is equally likely that he had problems in previous relationships because of this, so he should have been upfront about it.

Myself, I told him early on that I need affirmation and affection. If he was incapable of either of those things, presumably he would have been honest enough to admit it at which point we would have wished each other good luck.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 20