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LilDrac -> Apologetic Thoughts (9/6/2006 11:33:16 PM)
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I totally fucked things up. I can’t believe I did what I did. Wtf was I thinking. I wasn’t apparently. I don’t know why it didn’t even occur to ask him permission. The concept almost seems like an oxymoron. Mebe that’s why I didn’t think of it. I had to know though. I had to know and make sure. I’m so fucking stupid sometimes. I really didn’t even occur to me to ask permission. I should of known better I guess. I’m scared more than ever. Not of the pain that might be inflicted upon me for it. That doesn’t matter. Could fucking whip me till I pass out from the pain for all I care the anger and disappointment I caused is killing me. How could I of been so stupid and not think of asking.
Archangel says:
However, what I do not understand, is the way you did it. Did you honestly think that going behind my back, not asking permission, not even letting me know that it is on your mind... Do you honestly think this was the best way to deal with your doubts? Do you distrust me that much? Did you think that if you came forward with these doubts, that I would not have allowed you to test them? To be certain?
Archangel says:
This is what offends and angers me most. Your lack of trust in my judgement. It is not an insult I will allow you to easily forget, and it is not an insult I will easily forgive.
I’ve read this over and over again. I honestly don’t know if having permission to disobey would of messed up the results. But regardless I should of asked. Why didn’t I think to ask? Why was I so stupid? Should I of known better? And after making such an accomplishment for him. After making him proud of me and pleasing him so much I go and do something so stupid. Wtf is wrong with me!? I’m so scared of him telling me to go fuck myself. I’m so scared of never being able to please him again. I’m so scared of losing him. For once in my life I really feel whole. I have someone who loves me to pieces and I have someone who I belong to. Both sides of me for once are happy. One threatening each day to take over the other because the connection with him is so deep. I never knew that it could ever be like this. I never knew it was like this. I never knew the urge, the need, the want to please someone could be so incredibly great. Why did I doubt? Its all so new to me. I don’t know what to do. I have no clue what’s going ot happen. Will he ever forgive me? What the hell have I done? I don’t distrust him at all if anything I distrusted myself. I didn’t trust myself to be all that I wanted me to be. I didn’t trust my body to not give in to what it wants or what my mind wants. I didn’t trust myself that I could be all that I want to be. I didn’t trust myself to be good. And why should I? I’ve done so many things that are not trust worthy. I’ve manipulated, lied, and schemed my way to get what I want. The one thing I’m completely honest in I fuck up. The one thing that I’ve not tried to manipulate in someway I fuck up. The one thing in all my life that was more real, more truthful than anything in my life I fuck up. The one thing that I can truly say without a doubt makes me so happy, so satisfied I fuck up. I’m scared to leave. I’m scared to stop looking at my comp. I’m scared to get up. I know he’s probably asleep. I hope he is. I hope my fuck up didn’t make him lose sleep. He needs it. I hope she could make him happier tonight. I hope she could make up for my fuck up. I hope she could please him. He deserves to be pleased by someone. What have I done?
All these things go round and round my head. I can’t stop thinking about it. My stomach is in knots. I choked down a protein drink and almost threw it up. I lost track of how much time I spent watching the window waiting for the words “archangel is typing a message”. I don’t know how many times I read Archangel says:
::turns off the lights and walks out of the room:: and pictured him doing so without even a look back at the comp. just walking out in disgust. Walking out in anger. Walking out and not coming back. I don’t even deserve to be his after this. How could I of done such a thing? I’ve never felt this kind of distraught over someone. Even when I left tim I didn’t sit crying wondering wtf I had done. I knew what I had done was for the best. Even when I was rejected by eric did I feel this kind of loss, this kind of sorrow, this kind of…….something. I was hurt but I just said F’em and moved on. The silence is killing me. Yell at me, tell me I’m a fucking bitch. Tie me up and whip me. Anything, something……but nothing……just the silence….just me and my thoughts…..my endless....thoughts………that won’t stop……how I long to just kneel at his feet and beg forgivness…..tell him how stupid I am…..tell him I wasn’t thinking…….tell him I can’t stand this……tell him that this is worse than any pain he could inflict on me……tell him I’m worthless and don’t deserve him….tell him how much I need him…..tell him…..tell him….tell him I’m sorry. I’m such a stupid ignorant lil girl.
I’m so tired….so drained…I’m scared of accidently passing out at my desk and not hearing him send me something….I’m so tired though…I have to stay awake though….i must stay awake…even now I’m nodding off…I can’t help it….>< why can’t I do things right…..why do I have to be such a fuck up…..
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