Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Apologetic Thoughts


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Apologetic Thoughts Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Apologetic Thoughts - 9/6/2006 11:33:16 PM   
LilDrac


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline 		I totally fucked things up.  I can’t believe I did what I did.  Wtf was I thinking.  I wasn’t apparently.  I don’t know why it didn’t even occur to ask him permission.  The concept almost seems like an oxymoron.  Mebe that’s why I didn’t think of it.  I had to know though.  I had to know and make sure.  I’m so fucking stupid sometimes.  I really didn’t even occur to me to ask permission.  I should of known better I guess.  I’m scared more than ever.  Not of the pain that might be inflicted upon me for it.  That doesn’t matter.  Could fucking whip me till I pass out from the pain for all I care  the anger and disappointment I caused is killing me.  How could I of been so stupid and not think of asking.


Archangel says:
However, what I do not understand, is the way you did it. Did you honestly think that going behind my back, not asking permission, not even letting me know that it is on your mind... Do you honestly think this was the best way to deal with your doubts? Do you distrust me that much? Did you think that if you came forward with these doubts, that I would not have allowed you to test them? To be certain?
Archangel says:
This is what offends and angers me most. Your lack of trust in my judgement. It is not an insult I will allow you to easily forget, and it is not an insult I will easily forgive.


I’ve read this over and over again.  I honestly don’t know if having permission to disobey would of messed up the results.  But regardless I should of asked.  Why didn’t I think to ask?  Why was I so stupid?  Should I of known better?  And after making such an accomplishment for him.  After making him proud of me and pleasing him so much I go and do something so stupid.  Wtf is wrong with me!? I’m so scared of him telling me to go fuck myself.  I’m so scared of never being able to please him again.  I’m so scared of losing him.  For once in my life I really feel whole.  I have someone who loves me to pieces and I have someone who I belong to.  Both sides of me for once are happy.  One threatening each day to take over the other because the connection with him is so deep.  I never knew that it could ever be like this.  I never knew it was like this.  I never knew the urge, the need, the want to please someone could be so incredibly great.  Why did I doubt? Its all so new to me.  I don’t know what to do.  I have no clue what’s going ot happen.  Will he ever forgive me?  What the hell have I done? I don’t distrust him at all if anything I distrusted myself.  I didn’t trust myself to be all that I wanted me to be.  I didn’t trust my body to not give in to what it wants or what my mind wants.  I didn’t trust myself that I could be all that I want to be.  I didn’t trust myself to be good.  And why should I?  I’ve done so many things that are not trust worthy.  I’ve manipulated, lied, and schemed my way to get what I want.  The one thing I’m completely honest in I fuck up.  The one thing that I’ve not tried to manipulate in someway I fuck up.  The one thing in all my life that was more real, more truthful than anything in my life I fuck up.  The one thing that I can truly say without a doubt makes me so happy, so satisfied I fuck up.  I’m scared to leave.  I’m scared to stop looking at my comp.  I’m scared to get up.  I know he’s probably asleep.  I hope he is.  I hope my fuck up didn’t make him lose sleep.  He needs it.  I hope she could make him happier tonight.  I hope she could make up for my fuck up.  I hope she could please him.  He deserves to be pleased by someone.  What have I done?

All these things go round and round my head.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  My stomach is in knots.  I choked down a protein drink and almost threw it up.  I lost track of how much time I spent watching the window waiting for the words “archangel is typing a message”.  I don’t know how many times I read Archangel says:
::turns off the lights and walks out of the room:: and pictured him doing so without even a look back at the comp.  just walking out in disgust.  Walking out in anger.  Walking out and not coming back.  I don’t even deserve to be his after this.  How could I of done such a thing?  I’ve never felt this kind of distraught over someone.  Even when I left tim I didn’t sit crying wondering wtf I had done.  I knew what I had done was for the best.  Even when I was rejected by eric did I feel this kind of loss, this kind of sorrow, this kind of…….something.  I was hurt but I just said F’em and moved on.  The silence is killing me.  Yell at me, tell me I’m a fucking bitch. Tie me up and whip me.  Anything, something……but nothing……just the silence….just me and my thoughts…..my endless....thoughts………that won’t stop……how I long to just kneel at his feet and beg forgivness…..tell him how stupid I am…..tell him I wasn’t thinking…….tell him I can’t stand this……tell him that this is worse than any pain he could inflict on me……tell him I’m worthless and don’t deserve him….tell him how much I need him…..tell him…..tell him….tell him I’m sorry.  I’m such a stupid ignorant lil girl.

I’m so tired….so drained…I’m scared of accidently passing out at my desk and not hearing him send me something….I’m so tired though…I have to stay awake though….i must stay awake…even now I’m nodding off…I can’t help it….><  why can’t I do things right…..why do I have to be such a fuck up…..
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 1:52:07 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		So now the General BDSM Discussion forum is to be your diary, or your journal? What is this post for, sympathy? Did you bother asking here either, by reading the message board guidelines to realize what you posted here is prohibited? You fucked up again... so quit fucking up!

Once you quit fucking up, if your fuck up with the Dom is too fucked up... live with it, learn from it. Not learning from fuck ups would simply constitute another fuck up.

Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! 

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 1:56:39 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		So...    erm... did you find a way to Un-Fuck it?

(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 2:06:04 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		I was tempted to suggest the corresponding with other Dominants cure, but I think she's already been in the damn medicine cabinet.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 4:17:04 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		So this is an online relationship? Exactly what did you do?

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 6:50:02 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		To twicehappy... she fucked up, did ya miss that part?

I'm thinking this Archangel guy is one lucking dude by turning out the lights & walking out of the room. He sure dodged a bullet from this loose cannon.






_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 6:50:22 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
So this is an online relationship? Exactly what did you do?


Ditto this.

Did you SINCERELY not even think about asking permission?  Has this sort of event occurred in this relationship before?

If the answers are yes and no, then really the problem here is just miscommunication and needing more training.  Depending on the severity of what you did, I can't see why someone who would get so upset over your wrongdoing wouldn't also work to make it right in the future.

While sometimes trust and honor is broken beyond repair, for the most part relationships are about working THROUGH the times when one or both of the people involved acts like a total idiot and being stronger together on the other side. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 6:50:33 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Go work it off at the gym, go do something nice for someone, read a self help book, do ANYTHING besides sitting home feeling sorry for yourself and torturing yourself. 
 
Self pity is unbecoming...  Make a descision...not to fuck up.  Then be mindful of that descision and see if you can keep a committment to yourself.
 
Make a descision to focus on someone other than yourself for a while.  Perhaps self indulgence is part of the culprit here.
 
Dear diary....today i will be mindful of others and my committment not to fuck up, pity myself, or self indulge, so that i can clean up my act and become whole, while not having to depend on others for my happiness.
 
Take care of yourself.
 
 

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 9:23:01 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NastyDaddy

So now the General BDSM Discussion forum is to be your diary, or your journal? What is this post for, sympathy? Did you bother asking here either, by reading the message board guidelines to realize what you posted here is prohibited? You fucked up again... so quit fucking up!

Once you quit fucking up, if your fuck up with the Dom is too fucked up... live with it, learn from it. Not learning from fuck ups would simply constitute another fuck up.

Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! Quit fucking up! 


Amen.

This looks more like something that should have been written in a journal then perhaps given to "him".  Trying to get past all those self-loathing micro-sentances is a bit of a task.

But....as are others, my morbid curiosity is kicking in.

What the hell did you do to "fuck up"?


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 9:36:22 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If one mistake makes him kick you out, then it would happen eventually anyway and better to get it over with now. It's also better when you're too tired to think to send an email stating that and then go get some rest.

Obviously we don't know enough to make suggestions. If you only know him two weeks then he's crazy to think you should trust him. If you only know him online, ditto. Trust takes time. It takes months and months to learn to truly trust somebody and even then they will screw up. Nobody is perfect, nobody becomes totally trained overnight. If you were afraid of talking to him, then part of the blame is his for having taught you to be afraid of angering him.

Most of all, if he's going to kick you out the moment you fuck up, then it will happen and sooner rather than later. That's because waiting for the inevitable is so terrible that we will subconsciously do something to bring it about sooner in order to end the wait. In new relationships, subs frequently do this in order to see if he is trustworthy. Since his response to your fear based reaction is abandonment, I guess you've learned early just how trustworthy he is, or should I say isn't.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 10:23:06 AM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline 		This is one major drama, in my opinion! *rolls eyes*

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 10:32:07 AM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		"lmao" 

(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 11:21:14 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		i say.......

go drink a pepsi and if you want to MAKE amends.. offer HIM a pepsi. 

i have yet to get that far in my amends making.... pepsi is just too priceless to me.  PLUS - they might just take yer pepsi and LEAVE.  ::sigh:: and that is wholey not okay.  I'd rather them take a flying leap over a rolling donut before they took off with my pepsi.

(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 11:26:48 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

This is one major drama, in my opinion! *rolls eyes*


That's kinda what I was getting........


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 11:40:42 AM   
MissTlTTYMilk


Posts: 142
Joined: 6/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilDrac
I hope she could please him.  He deserves to be pleased by someone. 

i cannot tell whether this is all cyberly orchestrated or not, but i have to ask:
Who is "she" that is mentioned above, and did you get permission to post his screenname in this forum?  Another big oopsie if you did not.

_____________________________

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. "
--Bertrand Russell

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 12:12:14 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		another "profile not found". Strange how that happens with these sorts of posts?

(in reply to MissTlTTYMilk)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 12:44:26 PM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Wow,
In all your ranting you ask us why you did it, but never say what it is. Stop the drama, accept the fault and responsibility, take the punishment, and learn from your mistakes. Sitting up all night sick to your stomach waiting in front of a computer when you should be sleeping. Your first rule should be to protect the property (you) at all times. Making yourself exhausted and mental is not proving how sorry you are it's making you look weaker & out of control more.
Be brave, get it straight and move on without so much drama getting control of your emotions.
Suzanne

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 1:17:33 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		OP

I assume you were dark, desperate, and reaching out to someone in the only way that made sense at the time...so you'll get no flaming from me. I wish you well dear, and do let us know if you got things worked out.

Be well.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/7/2006 1:21:39 PM   
MistressWolfen


Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds like you are very upset, and your writing seems to indicate some confusion. Perhaps take a while to be quiet, meditate, center or whatever works for you, then address whatever the "f***up* was. Best of luck.

< Message edited by MistressWolfen -- 9/7/2006 1:22:02 PM >

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to LilDrac)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Apologetic Thoughts - 9/8/2006 2:43:12 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

To twicehappy... she fucked up, did ya miss that part?


No i did not, the question however is relevant. Did she not ask his permission for changing her hair color, which in the case of some one just learning what a D/s relationship is would be a training issue, or did she go out and get laid which even an extremely new person should have understood was a big no no.
 

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Apologetic Thoughts Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.070