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RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 9:17:43 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I need some input on this one.. in a discussion this subject came up... A Master is a Master not ones boyfriend. Now i do understand that there are married D/s couples out there. Is there a different meaning beween Master and husband for you? Should there be a difference? Is a D/s relationship not like a marriage in some point of view even without stepping into a church and saying I do!!! Should one not care for a Master in the same aspect as she/he would in a vanilla relationship?

From the way I see it, the term "Master" can coincide with "boyfriend" or "husband," but it is wrong to assume these latter words are mere synonyms. In fact, boyfriend, husband and Master are all specific words with specific meanings.

Is Master and slave like husband and wife? Are their vows and commitments identical? Certainly not.

Can a Master marry his slave? Of course.

Can a married couple migrate from traditional matrimonial roles to those of Master and slave? Yes.

Can husband and wife and Master and slave be coalesced into one union? Certainly.

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 21

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 9:47:10 AM

slve2MastersWill

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Is Master and slave like husband and wife? Are their vows and commitments identical? Certainly not.

I understand that they are not the same. i am just curious on how this grand community interprets a D/s relationship or a marriage. my previous Master( now deceased) saw things from a different perspective than my current Master does. ( we do communicate often and lots)I have spoken with others and i find it very interesting on the differnt responses i am getting. It definetly helps my thought process.

thanks

claudia

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 22

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 9:58:00 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

disclaimer first: this is how W/we define things in my realm. O/others definitions vary widely!

Master/ slave.. slave doesn't negotiate to have needs met, Mstr knows and will cover those, down to even decide what slaves "needs" truly are.
Dominant/ submissive: sub can negotiate to get needs, and even wants, met. Yes, the labels and parameters involved are important to U/us.

Master is quite clear and reiterates frequently "you are not My GF, lover, wife, sister, employer, or submissive. you are My slave."

i used to get so upset at that, not because i wanted to BE any of those things to Him, but because it seemed to imply i was forgetting my position and role. Now i understand that it was a constant reminder to check my expectations against all other dynamics i have ever known. This was important to me, because face it, every other male i have been involved with was someone i could have expectations of some sort.

This is also why Hubby and i work with a Dominant/ submissive dynamic. In that setting, i am allowed to have expectations. i have certain romantic, sexual, emotional and companionship needs that are vastly different from the M/s dynamic. i can expect to get my Needs fulfilled within the M/s dynamic, but not my wants.. (although they might be, it's not a given) i can look to the D/s relationship because my wants are very much a part of that set of expectations. He is my lover, friend, companion, and if either of U/s feels a lack in any of those realms, it's time to talk.

If i were M/s with Hubby.. my sexual needs might be met thru serving Him, but as a normal healthy female, i have serious reciprocal needs.. if He was the only one getting off in bed, i'd be pretty unfulfilled in my sexuality. Under D/s dynamic, i can address that, but no way could a slave turn to Master and say "a little to the left if You please..." LOL. In other M/s definitions, that might fly, but not in the way W/we define the roles. However, i know plenty of couples that have a M/s dynamic that allows for the slave to get wants met easily.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 23

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:12:58 AM

Casie

Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

My Dom is also my husband. It takes nothing away from our d/s relationship. I thnk all depends on the people involved and their personal believes. There is nothing wrong for a Master to also be your husband but in the same aspect there is nothing wrong if you choose not to marry.

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 24

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:17:07 AM

ShadowMster

Posts: 94
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I need some input on this one.. in a discussion this subject came up... A Master is a Master not ones boyfriend.
[...]
Should there be a difference? Is a D/s relationship not like a marriage in some point of view even without stepping into a church and saying I do!!! Should one not care for a Master in the same aspect as she/he would in a vanilla relationship?

I am curious of your thoughts ...

This depends alot on the relationship, and the degree of D/s. One can serve without being loved by those they serve (and one can be served without loving there slave).

Some slaves serve out of fear of disapline, some simply for the attention they get in pleasing another. Some want to be loved for their service, others require only that the master allow the slave to love the master.

Then again, is not the whole "Man and Wife", with the placement of a ring, not simply a vanilla adaptation of a collaring? And how many people can you think of that are married who don't love eah other (yes, it's an exception but still a significant portion).

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 25

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:26:04 AM

slve2MastersWill

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShadowMster

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I need some input on this one.. in a discussion this subject came up... A Master is a Master not ones boyfriend.
[...]
Should there be a difference? Is a D/s relationship not like a marriage in some point of view even without stepping into a church and saying I do!!! Should one not care for a Master in the same aspect as she/he would in a vanilla relationship?

I am curious of your thoughts ...

And how many people can you think of that are married who don't love eah other (yes, it's an exception but still a significant portion).

OHHHHHHH i know many that are in a marriage and no love.. but then i am sure that many would define the word love in a million different ways...

(in reply to ShadowMster)

Post #: 26

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:32:54 AM

ShadowMster

Posts: 94
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

I honestly don't see why someone -can't- be both to someone. Why anyone would think that "it just doesn't work" is crazy in my eyes.

I've had places of employment where I considered my boss a friend. That doesn't mean I'd serve him in the office if he didn't pay me.

You can love (and be loved) by your dom/slave. But don't let that love (or abesene) be the reason for your place in the relationship. Simply put, if your happy in your role, and the other party is happy, then that is what binds the relationsip of servitude. Love, if present, is just an added bonus for one or both of the parties involved.

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 27

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:38:34 AM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

Your question made Me think back a bit, honestly. With the connections I've had with previous slaves, indeed We did spend a majority of time together, were very close and integrated many parts of Our lives together. That said, none were considered by Me to be My 'boyfriend' or partner.

I would think it is personally interpreted based on the feelings involved between the two people. While I cared for each of My pets immensely, I was not in love with any of them. I did not view or desire them in a romantic manner. It likely had less to do with them directly and more to do with where I was, emotionally, at the time and what I had to offer considering.

There has only been one with whom I feel fully three-dimensional, where it seems feelings were natural and worked within a D/s dynamic as well. To know and care about one another as people first, and everything else second, with common ground of D/s making for a deeper connection.

That said, I can see how the individual comfort zones, personal expectations and desires of each person within the relationship define the direction of same.

To each their own, definitely.

~Thea

(in reply to Casie)

Post #: 28

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 10:48:19 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I need some input on this one.. in a discussion this subject came up... A Master is a Master not ones boyfriend. Now i do understand that there are married D/s couples out there. Is there a different meaning beween Master and husband for you? Should there be a difference? Is a D/s relationship not like a marriage in some point of view even without stepping into a church and saying I do!!! Should one not care for a Master in the same aspect as she/he would in a vanilla relationship?

I am curious of your thoughts ...

For me, I have no problem loving my husband and loving my slave but their roles are quite different in relationship to me and while I do love them, I love them differently. I personally would not want my slave to be my husband or the other way around.

I know that they each love me but it is in different ways and with different ideas of what their responsibilities are to me and the responsibilities I have to them.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 29

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 11:30:47 AM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Is Master and slave like husband and wife? Are their vows and commitments identical? Certainly not.

I understand that they are not the same. i am just curious on how this grand community interprets a D/s relationship or a marriage. my previous Master( now deceased) saw things from a different perspective than my current Master does. ( we do communicate often and lots)I have spoken with others and i find it very interesting on the differnt responses i am getting. It definetly helps my thought process.

Without specifically answering the question of your OP, you have stated the underlying reason above for undertsanding that not all will practice or view lifestyle relationships in a common manner... or interpretation as you phrased it. You asked how this grand community interprets a D/s or marriage, as if there is a prescribed interpretation. There is none.

As you stated, different dominants (as well as submissives) may have their own distinct conceptual differences of thought and opinion regarding how "they fit" into a lifestyle dynamic, or how a lifestyle dynamic fits their needs or wishes.

How does any community interpret the proper way to peel a potato? Are there more ways, rather than simply one universally accepted way to peel a potato? Do you need to peel your potato exactly the same way others peel their's? Will the way you peel your potato affect it's taste when prepared?

What does a potato peeling scenario have to do with D/s? Likely nothing beyond a "for instance" (is there a potato kink?). I'm simply trying to illustrate that it's a plethora of variables... some follow suit and prescribe a certain knife, held in a certain hand, under a certain lighting condition, a certain time of day, with a certain music playing... on and on with "preferences".

It's too easy to think a certain group or clan has a better potato peeling ritual/method, and totally lose track of the very simple fact that it's your potato... not their's.

The biggest factor is "internal" communication and understanding (between the actual participants in the applicable dynamic), whether it be D/s, M/s or whatever label is applied to "their" relationship.

The only report card you should be concerned with is the report card that you receive from your dominant. The greatest influence should be the dominant in your relationship. Outsider's methods, formulas or influences are not always the best... simply from the perspective that most if not all are actually ignorant of the dynamics of your relationship.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 30

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 11:37:09 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I understand that they are not the same. i am just curious on how this grand community interprets a D/s relationship or a marriage.

I answered generally. But to elaborate: The base supposition behind your poling seems to lean toward the idea that marriage and Master and slave commitments are relatively similar, or share many similar points, once you get past the surface differences—or at least, that's how I read into it. While some may feel this way and live it thus, it is important to underscore the actual literal differences between the two. Once you understand those differences, an equal or even abstract comparison dissolves...at least in my world, it does.

To extend, this is not to say affection and love and care does not exist in perfect reciprocation within a Master and slave relationship. It may or may not. I have had slaves who loved me deeply, accepting it would not be returned. That did not have any bearing on the commitment undertaken.

Marriage, as I feel it is understood in modern times and as it is being used here, is a union between two people who love each other and wish to remain active and committed companions for the rest of their lives, receiving civil, legal, and in many cases, theological recognition of their union.

A Master and slave relationship is not predicated upon the equality of love or commitments given, or rings exchanged; it is a deeply formed arrangement of dominance and submission between two humans, where the authority/power structure is intentionally unequal, much to the horror of more so-called "traditional" individuals.

Both Master and slave and husband and wife are conceptual relational structures, but of separate meaning, if both are considered in a literal sense. One form is universal and sanctioned by social folkways and the cultural presumption of bonded mating, the other is correlative and adaptable according to the wishes of another in a clearly defined arrangement of rights and authority. Love can exist within both forms, however. In my mind, Master and slave and husband and wife can only exist in harmony when the authority structure of the Master (or Mistress) is solidly recognized and made the priority—otherwise, they are simply a "kinky married couple."

< Message edited by amayos -- 9/8/2006 11:53:44 AM >

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 31

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/8/2006 9:08:08 PM

Daddyslittlgirl

Posts: 16
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline

Doesnt this go along the same lines as true love in D/s ? Seems like there is a new post every week on this subject. Yes it is possible, it does happen, yes you can love and serve a Master. I am married for three yrs to my Master, he was Master first then husband. I am just not sure why this subject keeps getting rehashed.

_____________________________

the pain of the thorn does not diminish the beauty of the rose

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 32

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 4:21:32 AM

slve2MastersWill

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddyslittlgirl

............ I am just not sure why this subject keeps getting rehashed.

Well sorry!!! i am new to the message boards and you know i don't have the time to read thousands of posts..

thanks for your input though

(in reply to Daddyslittlgirl)

Post #: 33

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 11:38:09 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

A lot of new people don't realize there's a GREAT search function. You can search by keyword as well as by author. Don't worry that you didn't know it was there. It's ok....LuckyAlbatrose is usually pretty good about posting a list of threads in answer to a frequently asked question. She must keep a word file somewhere with search results of popular threads, like this one. I wonder where she went?

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 34

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 11:40:10 AM

jesskitty

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline

i think with anything different 'categories' are different things for each people. personally i view my particular role and what i am eventually seeking as personality sides to a realtionship. i don't view it as the whole professional sense, the training sense, or the how much you can collect sense. so to me a daddy would definatly also have the same role as boyfriend or husband and would just be another facet to the personality/relationship.

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 35

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 12:35:55 PM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

It all depends upon how you define things and what it is you seek. While I personally believe that love often screws up the power dynamic, others don't feel that way. I've watched a Master of a multi slave house fall head over heals in love with a slave and lost his entire house. It just depends on how you wish to embrace this lifestyle. I would never marry a slave. I feel it upsets the power dynamic. For many this lifestyle is about their weekend activities and not a concept of how to live. Thus, what works for me, might send you screaming and running for your sanity. Likewise, the type of slave I seek would be different than the slave seeking her knight in shining armor to take her away for a fairy tale ending.

Since this lifestyle is so many different things to so many different people, all that matters is if you are happy with what you have found.

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 36

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 1:02:20 PM

gentlethistle

Posts: 186
Joined: 10/28/2005
Status: offline

I would never presume to suggest how other people should view their relationships. For myself, I don't expect to ever be married. I don't expect to ever live with anyone again.

In my own relationship I don't describe my dominant as my 'boyfriend' or 'partner' and I have never been aware that he regards me as a 'girlfriend'. He was clear when we first met that he wanted 'a sub' and not someone to 'date'. When I refer to him to other, vanilla, people that I know I either refer to him by name or just as 'my friend'. Because that is accurate. He has been a good and caring friend to me, regardless of the BDSM. We don't either of us feel obliged to reveal the D/s nature of our relationship to others.

Laura

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 37

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 1:13:16 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I need some input on this one.. in a discussion this subject came up... A Master is a Master not ones boyfriend. Now i do understand that there are married D/s couples out there. Is there a different meaning beween Master and husband for you? Should there be a difference? Is a D/s relationship not like a marriage in some point of view even without stepping into a church and saying I do!!! Should one not care for a Master in the same aspect as she/he would in a vanilla relationship?
I am curious of your thoughts ...

There has been a lot written on this subject lately but perhaps that is because it is not only interesting but complex and infinite in its variations.
I am one of those who does seek an eventual LTR with a submissive. I would want this relationship to be based on a romantic level as well as on a D/s level.
Until I get there, I am not adverse to being involved in a casual D/s relationship that encompasses not only D/s but also BDSM (yes, with all the sexual connotations that go along with SM).
I would not be adverse to having a submissive who was interested in submission from a D/s standpoint only...no romance, no sex... submission in which the pleasure of submission comes from serving a dominant that she has come to know and like, as I have seen expressed in other posts on here. This last however seems unlikely as it does seem like a great majority of this type of pairing is more representative of the female dominant/male submissive dynamic rather than the male dominant/female submissive dynamic. It does seem that there is a great deal more of the expectation that the male dominant will be considered more "like" a boyfriend than the female dominant will be considered as a girlfriend. (The last is my observation only and not meant to be taken as a statement of fact.)

(in reply to slve2MastersWill)

Post #: 38

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 1:19:49 PM

tade

Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline

In our little corner of the world....

My wife and I are both dominants with nary a submissive bone in our bodies. The things I do with our subs, slave and even casual play partners I don't think I would be able to do to her, even if she wanted that. It's a mental block that I have. My problem no one else's. After seeing her be so in control and Dominating I would want nothing less as my son's mother. I couldn't imagine having a submissive wife (again, only my preference). My wife pays tribute to our relationship by being my partner in every sense of the word. She is at my side, never a step behind. Again, this is only us, and it's working better than most relationships these days.

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to gentlethistle)

Post #: 39

RE: Master, boyfriend, husband - 9/9/2006 1:20:39 PM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

Labels should go out the window ... Both My husband and I are dominant. Will We love Our slave less? Nope. We have six children, do We love the last any less than the first one? Nope. The hearts capacity to love is the key, not the label you give a person you attach the feelings to. My opinion of course may vary from everyone elses.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 40

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