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Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 11:18:19 AM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
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I wanted to ask this, because it's an issue that's long been with me, that I feel may not be so mainstream. In an attempt to understand it, i'd like to appeal to the community.

When i use the term "sex" i speak only of the act of coitus. (Penis in vagina) Sorry for the frankness but it's important we're all on the same page.

In a nutshell, what i'd like to know, is do you desire sex, and without it, are your basic needs being met?

The reason i ask this question is because i don't desire sex. I'm a very sexual being for sure, but the actual act of coitus is something i really don't strive for. It's very hard to explain really. I'd describe myself as a submissive male, because it sexually excites me to be subservient to a woman, in whatever form that may take. How i'm labeled (hardwired, genuine, real, lifestyle, slave, whatever) seems to change depending on who's defining it.

I've always felt sexually different, so it would seem to me, that someone who doesn't feel the same way, wouldn't be compatible with me. I don't use BDSM as a spice to flavour the meal, D/s IS the meal.

That said, after discussing my different sexuality with vanilla folk, some would suggest that since i don't desire a basic need to have sex, my sexuality is flawed. Now don't get me wrong, i love orgasms like everyone else, and i simply ADORE servicing my parnter orally, but when it comes to sex, i can take it or leave it.

So how important is sex to you and do you desire it?

sns

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*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

Post #: 1

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 11:22:12 AM

GoddessJules

Posts: 549
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quote:

So how important is sex to you and do you desire it?

You are not alone. I'm a very very very strong fetishist. My fetishes get me off. . .and as far as coitus. . .I can take or leave that too. There are *sooooooooooo* many things out there that can turn me on. . . cock in pussy is one of them. . .but it definitely isn't the strongest.

J

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Post #: 2

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 11:34:55 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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quote:

In a nutshell, what i'd like to know, is do you desire sex, and without it, are your basic needs being met?

We haven't had intercourse for abot 3yrs due to some injuries. I am more satisfied using toys and oral.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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Post #: 3

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 11:40:12 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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It definately isn't required for me. I can orgasm by a mere touch on my arm. Yet, at the same time I love bondage with sex. So, I don't know maybe I'm well rounded? I'll take anything I get?
Hehe.
It definately is not a must though.

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 4

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 11:43:28 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
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I have this conversation with friends all the time, and I've given up trying to explain it to them. The guys all around me are under the impression that ALL guys are only interested in intercourse sex. I'm not. Really not much at all. I'm a submissive male. I fall into a role in a relationship that is submissive to the woman controlling me, and whatever she wants in physical contact (in whatever way) ends up being what satisfies me, whether that be sex every 15 minutes, or long term chastity where only she is allowed sexual satisfaction.

It's very hard to explain this to vanilla friends, although I'm a lot more upfront about it than I probably should be. And what ALWAYS happens is that they deny that I believe this and treat me as if I'm lying. So I don't even discuss it in vanilla company anymore.

The only person I can ever discuss this with is a girlfriend of mine (a friend who is a girl, not a dating girlfriend) who is actually a dominant female seeking exactly what I am (but just not specifically me...grr). She understands this, but no one else seems to, or they just don't seem capable of hearing what I'm saying.

It gets very frustrating to discuss in mixed company these days.

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Post #: 5

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 12:47:01 PM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv

In a nutshell, what i'd like to know, is do you desire sex, and without it, are your basic needs being met?
sns

Yes, it is a strong desire.

No, without it, my "basic" needs are not being met.

Take care,

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
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(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 6

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 1:21:25 PM

inadazey

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/7/2004
Status: offline

Yeah, i most definitely like sex... I don't think my 'basic needs' would be met in a relationship if sex were not a part of it. Although, since i only have sex within a relationship, i can (and have) go for a year/two years without it.. i just get into a celibate mindset. BUT, with someone, sex (ideally lots :P) is part of what meets my needs.

I dunno.. everyone is wired differently. Like those of us into D/s-bdsm are wired differently from the majority. Way i see it, everyone has the stuff that they're really into, and the stuff they're not. Just be careful talking to nilla folk bout sex.. they don't know jack. :P :D

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Post #: 7

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 2:01:33 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv
When i use the term "sex" i speak only of the act of coitus. (Penis in vagina) Sorry for the frankness but it's important we're all on the same page.

In a nutshell, what i'd like to know, is do you desire sex, and without it, are your basic needs being met?

The reason i ask this question is because i don't desire sex. I'm a very sexual being for sure, but the actual act of coitus is something i really don't strive for. It's very hard to explain really. I'd describe myself as a submissive male, because it sexually excites me to be subservient to a woman, in whatever form that may take. How i'm labeled (hardwired, genuine, real, lifestyle, slave, whatever) seems to change depending on who's defining it.
So how important is sex to you and do you desire it?
sns

Sex is important to me... It's not the be all and end all, but as much as I LOOOOOVE oral, nothing is quite the same as having our bodies connected that way and ending things face to face (if I'm in love with him). As in proudsub's case, If I have a husband or partner, and for some reason it becomes impossible, I can definitely live without it; ditto for finding the perfect slave (for me), and he's able to do anything/everything for me, except coitus. M

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 8

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 3:06:28 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv
In a nutshell, what i'd like to know, is do you desire sex, and without it, are your basic needs being met?

Having gone without sex for the past 8 years I can say that I really don't miss it. But I haven't been in a relationship during that time, so I guess I can't say for certain. But certainly sex is not something I seek.

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 9

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 3:09:00 PM

GoddessJules

Posts: 549
Status: offline

quote:

Having gone without sex for the past 8 years I can say that I really don't miss it.

WOW!
That just make me want to have sex with you. . .

J

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Click here to visit my site

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Post #: 10

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 4:10:55 PM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
Status: offline

quote:

Having gone without sex for the past 8 years

Are ya sure you'll remember how to do it?

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Post #: 11

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 4:14:15 PM

ebonylapdog

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i agree with strong submissiv, i just don't need coitus [thus my name]. That being said i have a question for the group, many people say that coitus in a relationship brings with it emotions that simply cannot be experienced otherwise. Being that we here are in [or deisre to be] in D/s relationships where this may never happen, can those same feelings and dare i say love happen?

ebony

(in reply to GoddessJules)

Post #: 12

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 4:23:44 PM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline

This is a very interesting post...strongnsubmissiv, thank you for challenging our minds and invoking different thoughts.

The sex part for me is not the main ingredient. That's why a vanilla relationship does not satisfy me in the least. Since delving into bdsm, I think it is hillarious to hear a vanilla man try to flirt with you. In my mind, I am thinking amateur night at the apollo, only stop of the night, pumping station...smile

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

Post #: 13

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 4:44:19 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

Having gone without sex for the past 8 years I can say that I really don't miss it.

WOW!
That just make me want to have sex with you. . .

M. Jules-

I'll hold his legs- you go first!

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to GoddessJules)

Post #: 14

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 4:47:54 PM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

Very well said.

I enjoy the plethora of other activities and actually orgasm better orally, however, I still need the occasional coitus to stay deeply intimate with the man I love. I would really miss it if we didn't connect that way.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to willing2serve)

Post #: 15

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 5:10:10 PM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline

quote:

When i use the term "sex" i speak only of the act of coitus. (Penis in vagina)

Going by this definition, it's not the most important thing for me. If i had to choose between BDSM & putting tab A into slot B i'd choose BDSM everytime.
i was in a vanilla relationship where the slot & tab experience didn't do a thing for me. For the last 3 years of that relationship there was no sexual contact with that partner. The relationship was as dead as a doorknob for those 3 years but i stuck with it because i wasn't ready to leave. In that i have too much respect for myself for flings or one night stands, i learned how to keep myself satisfied via masturbation, instead of cheating.
Vanilla sex always bored me. Seems past vanilla partners were shocked by the things i enjoyed, and not adventureous, nor creative enough to bother with much more than a quick BJ, followed by a quick session of lick me stick me type action. For a long time, i thought there was something wrong with me. i finally left when i realized that the only thing wrong with me was my having always chosen the wrong partners and ending up in relationships with people i was not compatable with both in and out of the bedroom. For that reason alone, it had always been a fact that i could satisfy myself a hell of alot better than any man could ... and i did, often. Tab A into slot B was never anything that i couldn't & didn't do without, unless the tab was my own fingers or whatever else i chose.

Now that i am finally in a relationship in which i can feel 'normal' in expressing my desires, and having them forfilled quite completely (and then some), tab A into slot B is still not where the main focus exists. i'd rather be cuffed, gagged, blindfolded with my wrists secured in suspension above my bowed head, while obediently accepting a long hard spanking, rather than laying flat on my back for a little bit of penis in vagina any night of the week.

¸,ø¤º°cynnacent°º¤ø,¸ (proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND)

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Post #: 16

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 5:32:57 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cynnacent1

tab A into slot B is still not where the main focus exists. i'd rather be cuffed, gagged, blindfolded with my wrists secured in suspension above my bowed head, while obediently accepting a long hard spanking

Hey... that DOES sound pretty good...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Inside your Mind
Are ya sure you'll remember how to do it?

Huh?! Remember how to do what...?
LOL

(in reply to cynnacent1)

Post #: 17

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 6:14:19 PM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
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Wow i'm really glad this thread is getting life. I really appreciate the sincere replies from all of you. I can't begin to explain how it helps me accept what i am.

I guess, since we are bombarded with vanillaness, it's really tough to shed that mentality and truly accept who we are. I find it so hard to feel "normal" and not "flawed" when it comes to this. I think the "sex" portion is the hardest thing for me to accept. I realize that it means different things for different people, even amongst our community here, but it's nice to still be able to fit in and not feel flawed.

When the topic of sex comes up in everyday vanilla conversation, i constantly try to make mental notes, because i know how i view it, is so different. I can't tell you how many times
i've heard people talk about relationships, where since "sex" didn't work between a couple, it was always the demise of a relationship, and always understandably so.

"Well what can you expect, she didnt' give him sex for the last 2 years, of course they should be divorced."

It's things like this, which i'd etch into my memory. Of course it would leave me asking myself, since i don't desire "coitus" what chance is there for me that i'll ever be able to make a woman happy in a committed relationship? BDSM or not, if i couldn't learn to like sex, i figured any relationship would eventually fail because of this hang up.

Anyway, you guys are great to share your honest feelings here, no matter which side of the sex or not fence you fell on, and i really appreciate it.

Feeling more normal,

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to onceburned)

Post #: 18

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 8:22:20 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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For me the actual act of sex is an integral part of a relationship. I don't think that I would want to go without the level of intimacy that the act itself allows. I am beginning to think that I am one of the more rare women who orgasms easily from this type of contact, but when Sir uses my body in this way I am overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. There is no other moment that I feel so utterly and completely His.

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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Post #: 19

RE: Desire for Sex - 1/8/2005 9:51:42 PM

velvetvixen

Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline

As far as intensity of orgasm is concerned, oral is my pick. However, coitus is important to me for the physical/emotional connection. If I only had a play partner, I would not need anything more than oral, a toy or hand. But for someone who is more, I definately need the whole package. (No pun intended.)

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Post #: 20

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