ChelseaSalome
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline
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I am struggling with understanding the art of careful surrender. Yes, I do understand that the smart submissive will chose carefully and ask all the right questions and not submit in haste. I know the importance of feeling safe and comfortable. I know that it is important to be aware of any hidden "complications"(like a wife and 4 kids) that might stand in the way of a good healthy relationship. But, at some point, even when a commitment(contract or whatever) is negotiated, there will come a time, I think, that a submissive wonders, "is obeying this command an act of surrender or just plain stupid?" The submissive might love and adore the Dom, she or he may feel completely happy within the relationship with much mutual trust and all that good stuff we want, but the command or punishment seems to be "about" something other than furthering along either the relationship or the growth of the submissive. On the other hand, submission seems to be about "doing it anyway" regardless of the doubts of the submissive. This is the part of submission that I am tripping over. In the vanilla world, it's advised that single people(women in particular) never sit at the phone and wait for a call, that we be coy and "hard to get" because guys are only interested in "chasing" It's good to be hard to get. And, if dates are ever broken, well, THAT is unforgivable and a sure sign that he is "just not that into you". Recently, in an earlier thread, I was seriously troubled and received lots of great advice about how to repair damage I had done to an important relationship. It's not fixed~maybe never~but I have gotten so much out of the process, the pain of it all may be worth it in the end. At this point, my seriously deep abandonment issues have come smack up against His need to be, ummmm, a bit less than reliable. He has major childcare concerns involving a child with a disability and work concerns that have made it necessary for him to break a few dates in a row and to not have the time for me that he has in the past. There have been expressed desires on both sides to deal with these problems. I am now in therapy(happily) and have written volumes to him in apology, punishment, ideas, in exploration of thoughts and feelings. He has been trying to get things in order, and he has continued to maintain as much contact as possible. It's been good~except that I haven't changed my acting out much when plans have to be changed. Oh, some~ I have been able to temper it, and I have been able to restrain my impulse to act out on occasion, but as his responsibilities away from me have increased, I find that I am looking for more attention in destructive ways. I have these damned voices in my head that are telling me 1)this will never change 2)he is trying to blow you off 3)he will never have time to for you. I know those voices are lying Even if those things are true, I do not have any real evidence or information to support it. He denies each and every one of them. He says that His interest and desire for me and only me is the same as always.I also have this voice that say that am being a complete fool as a *stunning hot uber desirable submissive* (kidding!) to want to submit to Him when there are so many other Doms around who would have time for me. But, you know what? I think I have more growth potential with Him. And I love him, which doesn't happen often to me. I am not, by history, foolish with my affections. We have both experienced great happiness together. So, currently, I found myself anticipating all weekend, correctly, a broken plan and becoming internally enraged with feeling angry at myself, mostly, for being taken advantage of, in my mind~and have just ended the relationship tonight saying that while i love Him, he is just not available to be the Dom I need right now. I can't serve air, I need contact. It's been 10 days since we have been together. He had told me, that He has found my behavior completely control seeking and manipulative, uncompassionate and self centered, all true. He feels henpecked and feels that my questioning of him constantly is just undermining his authority as a Dom(all true) He gave me a huge assignment, huge~would take hours and hours and hours. He said we would get together and discuss "us" when I have completed it. I ended the relationship~telling him that He was setting me up to fail in order to cover up His lack of control over his own life. I feel that as wrong as I have been at times, he has taken much of what i have said out of context implied meanings that were not intended. My Ds friends think i am in COMPLETELY in the wrong~they think that I should do it: now exactly as he says, or not speak to him at all ever again and move on, or speak to him sometime way into the future when his life is settled down, but I still have to do the damned assignment. If I do this huge thing, I do this completely knowing that I am giving up control~really, I dont want to do this, its huge, it will be painful, I dont think there is a good reason to do it, I think his motives are suspect, oh, and I just dont want to do it(did I say that already?)~Apparently, these are the reasons I have to do it. I am strong willed, and there is an innerDom inside of me that argues against my emotional submission at times. I know this, some of it is ok and a good trait under the right circumstances~but I also really want to be a good submissive. I'm not being one tonight at all, I am looking for the magic keys(ideas, experiences,opinions) that will put this in its proper place in the mind of a good submissive and help me look at it differently than I am right now.
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