Not good enough? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

Horadell -> Not good enough? (9/11/2006 10:49:25 PM)

Relatively new to this all, I am still trying to find ways to... well... effectively deal with my current sub when she says, "i am not good enough for You... You deserve better."

She has repeatedly mentioned this, proclaiming that she is worthless, demeaning herself in the process...

Is this common amung subs/slaves? Even if not common, have any of the subs/slaves who hopefully read this ever felt that their Dom/me or Master was too good for them, and deserved better?

I tried tonight to reaffirm her worth, using/altering what I have read of LA's posting elsewhere, that she should measure her worth by what I feel she is... and eventually talked her to sleep, as I usually do. so I am not sure if what I said will stop her thoughts of worthlessness.

Should I just keep reminding her of what she means to me and helping her by asking her what she means to me, rather than tell me? or take another approach to this apparantly deep issue?



Archer -> RE: Not good enough? (9/11/2006 10:51:33 PM)

All too common, best I've found short term is to tell them they don't get to decide what is or is not good enough for you.
That when they try they are taking away something you get to decide.




DiurnalVampire -> RE: Not good enough? (9/11/2006 10:58:13 PM)

I have had boys that acted that way.  Often, there is a reason they believe they are not living up wot what you want.  Eitehr that or tey might be looking for the attention.  Eventualy, I tire of it, and I have gotten to the point of teling them maybe they are right and maybe I should look for someone else.
The reverse psychology has worked for me al but one time, and in that one case, I realy was better off without him anyway. 
If she is of a more delicate emotional makeup, you might want to sit her down when she ISNT in one of her "im ot god enough" funks and explain to her that if YOU didnt think she was worthwhile you would have been rid of her long ago. Maybe if she hears the afirmation when she isnt demeaning herself, it might sink in a bit beter than when you are working around her own self-doubt.  You might also want to look into what started the behaviour.

DV
PS, if you need to, you can message me privately, we can discuss.



Horadell -> RE: Not good enough? (9/11/2006 10:59:35 PM)

I have tried a number of things... I usually end up saying, "Let me decide who is, and is not good enough for me, you just worry if I am good enough for you."

but yes. it is very short term.

I think, tomorrow I will just sit her down and have her list out every reason she feels she is not good enough for me, and then, one by one, correct each issue.



Missokyst -> RE: Not good enough? (9/11/2006 11:15:59 PM)

Drop me a line about the "not good enough" situation.  I don't discuss things like that publicly, but I can relate and may have some insight.



juliaoceania -> RE: Not good enough? (9/11/2006 11:22:02 PM)

When I hear this from someone (IE they are not good enough for me) I tend to believe them.  The funny thing about self esteem, you can create an environment for it to grow, but if the seed wasn't planted before she became an adult, she has to find it and plant it herself. You cannot create a good sense of self worth for another... you can only foster it... if someone is an empty vessel it could be because they have a hole in them and no matter how much love you give them it will just leak right back out. People like this are what I term "energy vampires". No matter how much you give they suck you dry.

I am not saying that she isn't redeemable or valuable or unworthy, but it may well be worth your while to get a therapist for your sub and leave that work to the professionals and when appropriate go with her if the therapist thinks it would be helpful. You are not a professional, and a well trained therapist can help someone uncover their intrinsic worth as a human being...But if she expects you to fix her, I would run... because you can't fix anyone but yourself.. at least that is my experiences, and who knows, I could be wrong.

I tend to believe the stories that people tell me about themselves.



BitaTruble -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 12:05:01 AM)

There's another scenario you may want to consider, Horadell. Sometimes when someone says they're not good enough for you, it's because they want to ease out of a relationship because they don't think you're good enough for them. Sucks, but it does happen.

Ya'll need to talk.

Celeste



MistressLorelei -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 12:14:13 AM)

It may be her way to reach out for you for feedback she is not getting.  Maybe she feels insecurity in the relationship.  If it's a new relationship, perhaps she is unaware of where it is heading, or what your perceptions or expectations are of her.  It could be something else, but  it could easily be that she just needs to hear that she  is pleasing you.



ayasha -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 5:17:25 AM)

one thinks this is common, especially if she is new to the lifestyle and just getting to know herself. 

She needs to trust Your choices and decisions - including the decision to take her on as Yours.  Questioning this decision, which she is doing by saying she is not good enough for You, can be construed as saying You did not make a good choice.  When one was new and in a similar situation - these words helped this one to get over those feelings.  Obviously He saw something that made Him choose this one - one needed to show respect for that decision. 



marieToo -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 5:43:34 AM)

General reply to OP


This was just a thought.  But it crossed my mind that maybe she is goading you into some humiliation type of 'play'.  I mean....Maybe not....but some people get off on being degraded etc.  Could be that she is edging around for something of that nature and may not even realize it. 

??



heartfeltsub -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 5:45:42 AM)

From what you have said, it seems to be a repeating cycle, and (in my opinion) a symptom of a bigger problem. By that i mean, people can be a bottomless pit of need and lack of self-worth and all your words and energy will not do anything to fill it and all it will do is drain your energy. That may be something that you might need to consider. 



LittleMissSub -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 6:10:50 AM)

please please please correct this girls issues rather than teaching her to find validation for herself through her relationship with you.  cause when that's gone she'll shatter. 




Horadell -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 6:16:59 AM)

This is noted. I know she has said the words, I'm not good enough for you, you deserve better, many times.

I do not believe that she is asking for humiliation play, I know for a fact that she somewhat enjoys such roleplay online, to an extent, but it is a very dirty, guilty pleasure for her(and in my opinion, only because of her long history of bad relationships where that was the case). She has asked me to promise never to do that with her, as she knows that I love her deeply, and do not feel that way.

She has put me on a pedastle... as I believe most subs/slaves do with their Dom/me or Master/Mistress. And that worries me a little, because I don't feel that I am everything she says I am, but I am also afraid to let her know that. If I dont believe I am what she feels I am, why should she feel that way? Maybe both of us have a difficulty seeing exactly how much we mean to each other, despite how much we let each other know.

As far as the bottomless pit theory? I don't agree. I feel there are no bottomless pits, simply those who cannot find the bottom. Every beginning has an end, every start has a finish, every hole has a bottom. Whether we cannot or refuse to see that is our own failing.

Simply my opinion, though I am prepared to defend it when people attack it.





Horadell -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 6:34:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissSub

please please please correct this girls issues rather than teaching her to find validation for herself through her relationship with you.  cause when that's gone she'll shatter. 



Its true... if she can only find value through me, she will shatter if that is gone. Perhaps it is my failing that I cannot listen to her history of abandonment and constant destructive relationships. She has been torn apart time and time again, by guy after guy who only wanted to feel that power and control over someone so young... now that she is older, and has found someone who isn't interested in the ego boost, the temporary control, but an actual relationship, I think she is just confused. She has never felt self-value before... It is new to her.

quote:

ORIGINAL:ayasha

one thinks this is common, especially if she is new to the lifestyle and just getting to know herself. 

She needs to trust Your choices and decisions - including the decision to take her on as Yours.  Questioning this decision, which she is doing by saying she is not good enough for You, can be construed as saying You did not make a good choice.  When one was new and in a similar situation - these words helped this one to get over those feelings.  Obviously He saw something that made Him choose this one - one needed to show respect for that decision.



I think you are very right as well. Last night I tried explaining these things again, reaffirming my position as her Master.

To be honest, I am not sure if she really is a submissive, or a slave... but I do not think she has fully embraced herself yet, and I hope that through me, she can.

As I was saying, I led her through the process of reaffirming to herself that she trusts Me, she loves Me, and she would do anything for Me, because she knew that I would not lead her down the wrong path. I would not lead her into more pain and suffering, but to a life of happiness and joy.

I explained to her, as was explained to me, the difference between the D/s in a relationship, where the sub/slave only had to make one incredible decision, who to submit to or serve, the Dom/me or Master/Mistress, had to make every other decision.

I asked her simply to decide if I was right for her, and if I was, to allow me to decide everything else. If she cannot find value in herself, then define her own value through the value I find in her. Allow My decisions and judgements to be hers, and to understand, that if at any time, I felt she was not good enough for me, I would let her know. She has never outright disobeyed me, when I asked her to do something, although she has protested hard limits and we have negotiated such things, but that is to be expected.

I have never used that approach at stopping the thoughts with her before, of her self worthlessness, so I do hope that this will have a positive effect.

If I am to be her Master, she needs to respect and agree with my decisions, for if I did not know best, I would not be Master.



GentleDominantx2 -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 7:01:24 AM)

I think perhaps it might be a good idea to read the threads on whether or not abuse is a precurser to submission. There are a number of good points.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_566753/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#566753

Remember, while we all have some baggage a D/s relationship is not a stand-in for counselling and dealing with one's own issues. Nor is it a good reason to have a co-dependant, enabling relationship.

I wish you the best of luck I have been down this path many many times. It's one of the strongest reasons I've decided to make a career in psychology within this lifestyle.
Time,patience and support.

Sincerely
Silver




KatyLied -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 7:34:29 AM)

I think she should read about self-esteem and confidence building and learn ways to value who she is, apart from a relationship.  But, if she doesn't want to value herself, it's not going to work.  All you can do is lead the way, you can't be everything for her and you shouldn't try.  



juliaoceania -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 7:51:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell



She has put me on a pedastle... as I believe most subs/slaves do with their Dom/me or Master/Mistress. And that worries me a little, because I don't feel that I am everything she says I am, but I am also afraid to let her know that. If I dont believe I am what she feels I am, why should she feel that way? Maybe both of us have a difficulty seeing exactly how much we mean to each other, despite how much we let each other know.


Simply my opinion, though I am prepared to defend it when people attack it.





Firstly why would anyone attack you for having an opinion? Secondly, you asked for us for our opinions, and if I were you I would consider all the opinions and what they are based upon. Perhaps they are based upon personal experiences that you cannot even fathom having not lived through it yourself? That is usually a good motivation to ask for advice, getting different perspectives.

I highlighted your comment above because I do not know if it is true that most submissives put their dominants on pedestals. Some do I am sure, but when you have spent a long enough time with someone their clay feet begin to show. Whether you lie to yourself about their faults, or accept them as a real person once they have shown they are not perfect is a measure of maturity. I think we tend to look at the best in our partners when the bloom is on the rose even when we are vanilla.

My question is why are you afraid to let her know that you are imperfect, have flaws, or even in the tiniest degrees are less than perfect as she originally thought? It sounds as though she is not the only one suffering from esteem issues. If her picture of you is inauthentic I would think that you would do everything you could to give a true image of not only what you are, but what that means for the relationship. It sounds as though this is a house built on sand, and truth is the only good foundation there is for a relationship...where insecurity exists there can be no room for truth... trust me, I have lived it.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 7:54:33 AM)

Well on the one hand you have someone like me.  I do tell my older partner that he deserves better than what I give him and such.  I told him that yesterday.  But this is because I truly believe he is a blessing in my life that I never believed the world would ever find me worthy to enjoy in mine. 

I'm not putting myself DOWN with this- I know I'm worthy, deserve happiness and fulfillment, am at least an averagely decent person who kills animals but not just for fun and all that.  SO when I tell him that he deserves better, it is simply because I think it's true, but that I am truly happy to be with him and be able to enjoy life with him.

YOUR situation here is much more likely just her feeling insecure, and wanting you to spend lots of time and energy making her feel better and reassuring her.  It gets really tiring after awhile. 

I occasionally need ego stroking, but I just say "OK, please stroke my ego now and tell me how wonderful I am."  LITERALLY, seriously I will say that exact sentence.  So next time she says something demeaning you can ask her "Are you just needing me to stroke your ego and tell you how wonderful you are?" 

If she says no, say ok, and immediately change the subject, ignoring what she just said about her worthlessness.  Make it a fun mundane topic like tv or movies.  If she brings it up again, repeat the process.

If she says yes, say that you understand, give her a bit of an ego stroke by telling her that you're proud she could open up about that and that you DO value her highly and that she needs to find value in herself.

And if this continues to come up (which it likely will) point out to her that she's basically saying that YOU would choose to be in a relationship with someoen worthless and that she obviously doesn't feel like YOU make good choices in partners and must not be very worthy yourself.  This will hopefully horrify her and give you a chance to reshape her perspective.



zumala -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 9:06:46 AM)

I've found this an interesting thread.  Personally, I have self-worth problems, but I've never said (that I can remember) to pup that I'm not good enough for him.  I'm often puzzled/amazed that he so obviously loves me and values me for who I am, but I don't talk about it much.  I will get down on myself rather viciously at times, though.  He's not crazy about it when I do, and his reactions to it vary depending on the situation and his own mood.
 
zuma



juliaoceania -> RE: Not good enough? (9/12/2006 9:22:03 AM)

I think everyone has moments when they are down on themselves, even dominants...



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.09375