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Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 12:07:59 PM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Most of you know that my potential slave fell through because he was either a faker or too afraid once reality of the situation set in. So I am back on the search.......

It seems to me that once I establish common ground & interests in the vanilla portion of our lives via the internet, then going to the phone to get a better idea if their basic personality apeals to me, and simular fetish interest or learning that he/she is not focused on theirs but in servtitude, that going to real time to see if he/she is sincere in his/her desire for serving me.

I personaly like the idea of a weekend of training to see if they really have what it takes. these are my ideas but I have not done this yet. I want to go r/t sooner than later because I hate spending time going back and forth via the internet & phone and have that time wasted when it doesn't pan out. I aso like the idea of gaining experience as I weed out the bad ones. I do get stronger in my Dominance the more times I use it and being tried with various personalities.

btw...........I have a detailed letter I send to any prospective slaves that discribe my life, my routine & how they will fit into my life as well as what their duties will be that I send to them early on. I am thinking this letter hould be my profile since I am switching from sexual dominance to really desiring a slave. I will send it to any Domme here that might want to critique it.

1. Is there any flaws in my planning?

2. What is your personal procedure for trying out a new slave?

Experienced Domme's please help me find my way. I know exactly what I want out of a slave, just not how to pick one.

Post #: 1

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 12:43:43 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

1. Is there any flaws in my planning?

Moving them sooner rather than later raises some flags to me. Only a roommate would move in that fast. he's not a roommate. Would you move a boyfriend/lover in right away? If not, why would you a slave? There's still a relationship to be established before any of the dynamics can be effective in the long term. We simply cannot force people to behave in the way we want. They must want to behave that way. So, we need to see if they act this way naturally or simply because they see it as a means to get what they want. We also need to assess if they truly know what they want AND see if they are prepared to make it a reality. Fulfillment of dreams can be a scary thing, as you saw with the last one.

quote:

2. What is your personal procedure for trying out a new slave?

This has been trial and error for me. Right now, what seems to work is to get to know them as a person first. The ones that I'm talking to are some distance away. I think this actually helps me not get overwhelmed by emotional connections and to better see the relationship clearly. I require basic protocols and daily contact, initiated by them. We simply talk about life and what not. At some point, probably after several months, we will meet and they will serve for a weekend, either at my house or at a Leather conference. This process continues until we both feel comfortable moving it to something more serious. If they fall out of contact, then I know we don't have a strong enough connection on which to build a relationship.

What all this means for me personally is that I live alone and take care of myself alot. But, when I do have service, I have real service.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 2

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 12:55:39 PM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Arggg!

MFM

I just don't like communicating that much and that long, but you are probably very very correct. Thankyou for taking the time to respond.

How about if they live in a 1-2 hour radius driving time? What would be a good scenario then?

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 1:02:42 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I don't have phooey in the way of experience but I do have to agree with MasterFireMaam on this one. Call me crazy, call me overly cautious, but I want to get to know the person very well has a human being first and formost. I like seeing consistancy, in our communications and more importantly in how they handle their life. I am going to be very cautious about sharing a home with anyone. I tend to go with the whole "better safe than sorry" theory and avoid getting caught up in the instant gratification method of relationships.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 4

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 1:03:28 PM

BlueHnS

Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

I'd probably meet them for lunch or something if they are close. I'm of the opinion I gotta know if we can be in the same physical space without grating each others nerves before I decide to proceed further.

_____________________________

Questions are dangerous, for they have answers. ~ Kushiel's Dart
I think I'm going to get off. ~ The Poet

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 5

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 1:31:50 PM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Blue, that is my thinking. I have spent to much of my time alone & some people drive me nuts.

I have had a few relationships in my life that they moved in the day after a "one night stand" and last quite a while, even years. So I would actually be braking a way of life by going slower. Since I'm not looking for love, just a personality I can deal with a high level of compatibility doesn't seem nessasary.

It seems like they would have to like and respect me more than vise versa. Though I do have great admiration & affection towards someone who submits to me.

new Bitch Mantra: "s l o w d o w n"

(in reply to BlueHnS)

Post #: 6

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 1:35:56 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

I am probably a bit different from the others. But there is still caution in actually sharing a roof with anyone.
I have a good sense of people. And I also, like you, know exactly what I want and need. I require a lot to even begin, and the emails will go back and forth for a time. Then I do move to the phone. I don't like IM and I do like to hear someone's voice. I enjoy a good conversation. I can get a lot more accomplished that way then on IM. (I am known to be one the telephone for several hours at a time.) I can also tell a lot about a boy's demeanor and look for consistency in both emails and phone contact. Emails still continue as a daily requirement. If they are local, they will meet Me for coffee or lunch or dinner. If they are long distance, they will be required to come for a visit, with a hotel reservation, when I determine. Local boys also have an opportunity to meet Me each month at My munch. There truly isn't any excuse for not being able to find a relationship if both are willing to put in the time and the effort. Usually you can find out quickly if it is some sort of game, or if they are just looking for a fantasy that comes with a roof.
I have a lot of boys who want to move right in. Some of them live across the country, and some of them live in a different country! The minute a boy introduces himself to Me with the idea that he can move in 2 weeks, the potential is over.
Serving on a weekend is fine, but you might want to think about where and how. It is not necessarily safe to have boys coming in and out of your home, knowing where you live, and how you live, without a good basis already in place. You say you know, absolutely, what you want. That is good. Stick to it, and don't waver one iota. Listen carefully to all that is written and spoken to make sure it is resonating with you and it is meeting what you require.
In the end, you need to trust your gut and be safe. Take your time, and then move to live out service in some manner while you continue to test the waters. Everyone seeks different things, but in the end, you do still share, not only a home, but a life. So it is not a good idea to just jump in that fast. It is easy for him to be what you want him to be for a short time.
I can make a determination over a period of months. And, frankly, most boys do not last more than a couple of weeks, before the responsibility of showing a consistent commitment wears thin. Most of them don't even last through more than a few emails. *Smile*
I will have known My jonathan for 5 months when we move in together. It is enough time for both of us. There has not been a day that we have not been in contact, except for when I was in England, and he continued to send his regular emails and write in his online journal every day while I was gone. He have proven himself without a doubt.
Time is your friend. How much time is up to you.

*edited for My usual dyslexic typos.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 9/13/2006 1:39:17 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 7

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 1:39:31 PM

Kahri

Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

Since I'm not looking for love, just a personality I can deal with a high level of compatibility doesn't seem nessasary.

It seems like they would have to like and respect me more than vise versa. Though I do have great admiration & affection towards someone who submits to me.

new Bitch Mantra: "s l o w d o w n"

I have to admit this concerns me a little. The M/s or D/s relationship can be quite intense and overwhelming, and I'm not sure that just a "personality you can deal with" is going to be enough. I also think that you should like and respect them every bit as much as they do you, to make the relationship satisfying for you both.

I don't think you mean it this way, but if it's not fully mutual it makes you sound like you are out to use someone then throw them away. That's not a good image to be projecting.

As I said, I do not mean to say that's what you are doing so please don't take that as an insult. I just want to urge you to reevaluate how much emotion is going to be invested in the relationship by both of you.

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 8

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 2:30:48 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear TheMightyBitch, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eye, you really opened the doors to submissives/bottom types when you put yourself in a sexual domination. The reason being you have fantasy bedroom domination types who are in and out as fast as a piston in a race car. They seek a kinky kum dump--not a relationship. If you're fast--that is what they'll want and the assumptions are many as to what your personal 'intent' is.

Weekend experiences are workable if it is an academy enviorment perhaps however, relationships are not a rigid lesson plan. Anybody can do a weekend's service but, that does not mean that they are able to do a yearly marathon.

The most successful relationships I have had, were the ones I didn't seek out myself. They sought me. After a few months, will things start to manifest where rough areas may be, with preferences in M/s, D/s, S&M and or BDSM. True, vanilla issues do help however, it is all depending on how you have your house 'ideals' set up.

I take the M/s relationship much like a business in buying a truck for a job or hiring a person to do jobs--True, it is 'my personal business' to make me personally happy. So, I attract those who believe in what my personal business philosophies are and wish to join. You cannot force someone to be a slave or to submit. They must want to submit.
You find someone who fills the needs, just like you buy a car--function as well as personal tastes.

I'm not a huge fan of the Internet, chat rooms, forums and lists to attract 'the one.' It works for some but, I am not going to hang around waiting for 'the one.' I get out into the real scene--parties, gatherings, dungeon dances, presentations/demonstrations and the like. One needs to be seen.

It goes to the old saying; haste makes waste. So, the slower you go the easier it is for people to catch up to you. Sure, it can be frustrating in looking for "the one." However, invest in yourself by becoming active in a different way, e.g. hosting parties, go to muches, demonstrate skills, become someone they know out there other than a screen name.

In addition, being a Master/Mistress may look like a piece of cake however, it is hard work but, with time and experience it looks like a fantastic world. Everything looks effortless. However, it looks effortless because those individuals put their time, effort and investments into seeing each other's needs met. You must be able to put in more than you take.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 9

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 3:59:05 PM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Thanks........you are all giving me a great deal of things to think about that I haven't considered before

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 10

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 7:54:43 PM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Dear TheMightyBitch, Ladies and Gentlemen;

...The reason being you have fantasy bedroom domination types who are in and out as fast as a piston in a race car....

Sorry to hijack..but I have to say this...LadyHugs you are my hero...your advice is sage and your humour is old fashioned and gentle. You can make me smile on the grouchiest of days.

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 11

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/13/2006 9:46:17 PM

WantABiMale4TPE

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

2. What is your personal procedure for trying out a new slave?

When it is time for the new slave to come for a face to face with me I have them make a reservation for 3 days at a hotel of my choice. I give them instructions on how I expect to find them when I come to that room. I have them leave an extra key at the desk for me, as they should be positioned on the floor in the greeting form when I get there. Before they end up here for that visit we have had many conversations. They do not just talk to me today then come to me tomorrow. That is not safe for anyone on either side of the coin. I also am the one to remind them to arrange their safe call upon arrival, and departure. Don't know if this helps you but it is what works for me.

_____________________________

"Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge....AND GET OVER IT!!!"

"I don't have an attitude problem...you're just an asshole."

"Because we all know that I AM THE PRINCESS!!!"

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 12

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 3:55:06 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Yep, I see a big flaw. You're putting kink ahead of the person. Perhaps knowing the individual and feeling them out first would lay a more firm foundation for you to layer your kink on top of.

I've seen other posts of yours inferring that you're a novice domina. My strongest suggestion is to slow down and master your own dominance, skills and control before trying to go the 24/7 move-the-slave-in route.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 9/14/2006 3:56:56 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 13

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 4:14:27 AM

UtahGoddess

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

Hello all :)

     I agree with Ms Pandora. The kink will only sustain a relationship so long and what you may think you want (imagining what having a slave would be like) and actually having that slave may be different. Look beneath the leather if you are actually seeking a long term relationship.

     When I was seeking a slave I didn't spend much time chatting on the phone or online with potential slaves. I moved to R/T as quickly as possible. Nor did I spend much time in exploring their (or my) fantasies. I stated what I was seeking in a partner as well as a slave and explored everything from political to religious to morality views. (Of course I was looking for a life partner, not just a live in slave. I sought a boy that could be both.)

      In addition, I didn't place much hope in those that were not local to me. Yes. I am sure there are any number of submissives out there in the world that could have met my needs.  I wanted a local boy that could actually be here on a regular basis while we explored the courting process.

Good Luck

Ms Sandi



_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 14

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 4:21:00 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

I just don't like communicating that much and that long, but you are probably very very correct.

Are you after a relationship or just a one-time play encounter? If this is the way you're going to push forward, I suggest that you be amply prepared to deal with wankers, gameplayers, timewasters and guys who want nothing other than their jollies.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 15

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 8:07:32 AM

TheMightyBitch

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

I think the only way I could have any "relationship" is through a 24/7 or a TPE the whole time the person is with me. I don't really need a lot of "depth" that some women do. I am pretty superficial, so it seems like testing the waters sooner than later is a bit better of an option for me.

Yes, I am prepaired for the ones that are just in it for themselves & their needs, but my gosh, they are going to have to go through a heck of a lot before I even consider worrying about what they want. Heck, that has been the story of my meetings "subs" over the last 2 years, they all seem to only want to submit sexually & I need a deeper level of submission that is not sexually based.

I have gained a lot of knowledge & insight just playing without much other common interest, but I want more.I am not looking for the "One" but more per say. I don't need to be in love, but I would truely have admiration & respect of him/her that could submit themselves to me.

I just don't see what I am going to get out of extended comunications for months on end other than bored. I ususually see that there is something I really like or don't like after about 10 e-mails or 5-6 IM's.

My desires remind me of the words in this John Denver song:
Follow me where I go........who I see & who I know.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 16

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 8:31:55 AM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressWolfen

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Dear TheMightyBitch, Ladies and Gentlemen;

...The reason being you have fantasy bedroom domination types who are in and out as fast as a piston in a race car....

Sorry to hijack..but I have to say this...LadyHugs you are my hero...your advice is sage and your humour is old fashioned and gentle. You can make me smile on the grouchiest of days.

I have to agree - LadyHugs is a Gem. Sometimes she can say more in one sentence than a lot of other people can in paragraphs.

Always a Joy

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 17

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 9:53:11 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear MistressWolfen, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Glad to make a bit of humor stretch nicely as to bring a bit of laughter to often serious situations in life.

Even in this lifestyle, it is easy to be so serious and forget to live and laugh.

And, dear ladies--a slave does not make a true Master/Mistress -- it is being true to yourselves first, mastering and honoring yourself, even though it may not be popular. Unless you are paid by others, they should not influence your dreams or your life but, most of all--your choice.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 18

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 10:31:04 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear TheMightyBitch, Ladies and Gentlemen;

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheMightyBitch

I think the only way I could have any "relationship" is through a 24/7 or a TPE the whole time the person is with me. I don't really need a lot of "depth" that some women do. I am pretty superficial, so it seems like testing the waters sooner than later is a bit better of an option for me.

In my mind's eye, with this statement is that in this passage of time, the fact is that you might be indeed wishing a long term relationship but, you have been hurt somewhere along the line that you're scared to be vunerable to a slave, as to let them see you at times of weakness. The key words used, superficial and I don't need a lot of depth. You've been stung--and stung bad and you don't wish to be hurt again, especially emotionally. You want the finished product of a finished slave but, you're not ready and or not emotionally ready to be as naked and honest to your slave, as you demand of your slave to be with you.

Sadly, you must be accessible to the slave as much as the slave must be to you. Otherwise, just Top slaves, submissives and bottoms and don't make an emotional commitment, just a committed play partner, without the romance, the emotions and stay superficial. Even so, you'll still learn and grow.

Yes, I am prepaired for the ones that are just in it for themselves & their needs, but my gosh, they are going to have to go through a heck of a lot before I even consider worrying about what they want. Heck, that has been the story of my meetings "subs" over the last 2 years, they all seem to only want to submit sexually & I need a deeper level of submission that is not sexually based.

Most men who come through want the kinky sex. Thank goodness there are a few gems out there who want the whole woman, not just the sex, to give service, comfort and companionship to.

If you package yourself as a dominatrix, that is "sexual domination" that is a big draw. No different than putting bait out there. That is all you'll attract and some high mileage slaves will avoid. Anybody can have kinky sex--only few women can be ladies that have a dominant personality and maintain their mystique and power. So, throwing sex out, by the way you proffer yourself; such as speech, behavior, attitude, dressing and or other 'consumption' techniques; you will attract those who you advertise to.

I have gained a lot of knowledge & insight just playing without much other common interest, but I want more.I am not looking for the "One" but more per say. I don't need to be in love, but I would truely have admiration & respect of him/her that could submit themselves to me.
Every person who submits to you are teachers. Each and every slave I've met teaches by the way they are and how they act with and or without their owners, around other dominants and slaves. They leave their mark, even though there has been no real exchanges. They teach by doing.

If you don't seek 'The One,' then just play at the local dungeon and have that reputation.

Just remember, be careful what you ask for, as you well indeed may be finding it.

But, if you think you can take these scene role players from weekend scenes, giving you what is earned over time; such as respect, admiration and exclusive obedience to you--it is a flawed assumption.
Respect, trust and such by others are earned, no different from friendships. You might establish the primary respect, trust and commitment however, it will not go into the higher grades of it.

As long as one is superficial and only looking for committed play partners and not a committed relationship, that requires depth; in my mind's eye, to the slave(s) out there you will be disposable and much like Burger Queen/King; easy, cheap, disposable, fast and easily forgotten. Indeed it would be so easy for all of us, if there was a "Slaves R US," -- for slaves. [Big grin] Because, they're pre tied up, hang'n on the rack -- Oh sweeeeeeeeeeet bondage! [[Grins]]

I just don't see what I am going to get out of extended comunications for months on end other than bored. I ususually see that there is something I really like or don't like after about 10 e-mails or 5-6 IM's.

In my mind's eye; I see from extended communications for months on end are; seeing if the person is consistant, opens up more about themselves, if they maintain the respectful attitude and tone of which is fitting for a submissive/slave or, if it turns into some cheap kinky sex conversation, or tries to Top you from the bottom or those just curious.

My desires remind me of the words in this John Denver song:
Follow me where I go........who I see & who I know.

Respectfully submitted with a bit of wit,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to TheMightyBitch)

Post #: 19

RE: Experinced Domme's your help is requested. - 9/14/2006 10:35:30 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear ToGiveDivine, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Thank you as well. I'm glad that I can bring interesting analogies to the forum as to 'drive' the point ...home.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)

Post #: 20

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