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New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 5:25:38 PM

mrbenscreature

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

I've never posted before, but I've done some pretty extensive reading on this forum. Anyway, my current boyfriend has trained several girls in the past and has had several serious d/s relationships in the past. I've always been curious about the lifestyle, but have never, until now, had the chance to try anything out.
He and I have been together for a year this month, and have been discussing/experimenting with the lifestyle for months now. As is, we're at a standstill and neither of us know how to advance forward. I have a lot of questions and reservations which I was hoping someone could help me out with, and maybe give me some insight into.
First off, I'm a very firery and strong willed person, and when it comes down to it, I'm a brat. My boyfriend has never dealt with a strong girl, let alone a brat, and tells me that he doesn't know what to do to train me. He's given me rules, and I follow them religiously. We've experimented with some stuff in the bedroom, but not a whole lot. We've been stagnant for 3 months now, without any change or progress. Any suggestions? Is it possible for someone to be too much of a brat for anyone to have a good d/s relationship with?
I'm also worried about the everyday life. Since we're trying to do this the right way and not mess up the dynamics of our really good relationship, he's been very cautious and slow about approaching me with anything new in these regards as well. Is it possible to maintain a good relationship while trying to get into the lifestyle too? And seeing as I'm a strong person, would I have to lose that aspect of my personality to be dominated by anyone?
Any help and advice that anyone could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Post #: 1

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 5:31:30 PM

OhReallyNow

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

this slave wishes she could offer better advice other than

go slow, find what works for both of you, communicate, communicate, communicate

_____________________________

~ When anger rises, think of the consequences
CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 2

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 5:49:40 PM

Feenix80

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

First off, I'm a very firery and strong willed person, and when it comes down to it, I'm a brat. My boyfriend has never dealt with a strong girl, let alone a brat, and tells me that he doesn't know what to do to train me.

Is it possible for someone to be too much of a brat for anyone to have a good d/s relationship with?

I'm having the same issues... I'd also like to hear some opinions and ideas...

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 3

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 5:57:08 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

First off, I'm a very firery and strong willed person, and when it comes down to it, I'm a brat. My boyfriend has never dealt with a strong girl, let alone a brat, and tells me that he doesn't know what to do to train me.

Is it possible for someone to be too much of a brat for anyone to have a good d/s relationship with?

I guess Im a little bit confused as to why you would have to ask this question.
Are you not able to control your own behaviors?
If not, then, no I would say you can't successfully submit or enjoy a healthy, functional D/s relationship.
Or a healthy, functional relationship of any kind.
If yes, then well, do it.
Bratty behavior is a choice.
If you enjoy being bratty more than you enjoy submitting to the will of a man who does not appreciate bratty behavior, then I would say you have a problem. If you enjoy bratty behavior that much, have you considered asking your dominant if he will accept it as part of your dynamic?

Being a "brat" is not some genetic abherration over which you have no control. It comes right down to your own choices.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Feenix80)

Post #: 4

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 6:04:24 PM

mrbenscreature

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

My dom knows that I'm bratty, enjoy being bratty, and he has no problem with this. He says that he likes and appreciates the fact that I'm a strong willed, intelligent, firery person who's not afraid to speak her mind. It's not about having any problems having a relationship, it's about finding a way for us to do training that will work with both our personalities. Thanks to everyone who's commented yet. :)

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 5

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 6:16:08 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

My dom knows that I'm bratty, enjoy being bratty, and he has no problem with this. He says that he likes and appreciates the fact that I'm a strong willed, intelligent, firery person who's not afraid to speak her mind. It's not about having any problems having a relationship,

Then, sincerely, Im more confused.

Why did you ask

quote:

Is it possible for someone to be too much of a brat for anyone to have a good d/s relationship with?

if you and your dom are both happy with the degree to which you are a brat?

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 6

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 6:23:30 PM

mrbenscreature

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

he doesn't know how to go about training someone who isn't a simpering, helpless person.

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 7

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 8:07:21 PM

OhReallyNow

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

he doesn't know how to go about training someone who isn't a simpering, helpless person.

this slave does not simper; nor is she helpless. this slave supports a family on her own; this slave has a PhD;
being submissive or slave is not about being helpless; it's about empowering yourself; it's about trusting someone so much that there is no fear; its about freedom, love, beauty, desire, but above all else, it is about a relationship that know's no boundaries.

this slave knows for a fact that Master would have no interest in her what-so-ever if she was a spineless-simpering-whinny-insecure-helpless person. if that is your idea of submission or slavery, then this slave actually pities you.

_____________________________

~ When anger rises, think of the consequences
CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 8

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 8:13:13 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

he doesn't know how to go about training someone who isn't a simpering, helpless person.

Ive never owned a simpering helpless person, in fact I wouldn't want too. I appreciate intelligent, strong men who kneel at my feet because they want too and I grant them this. submissiveness is part of who they ARE. If your not submissve by nature then your wasting your time and his. So you need to do some soul searching, are you truly submissive or are you doing this just to get your kink on? or maybe to hold onto your boyfriend?

Good luck,

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 9

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 8:19:39 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbenscreature

he doesn't know how to go about training someone who isn't a simpering, helpless person.

I think you have confused being a submissive with being simpering and helpless, and given being "bratty" the meaning of being strong willed and intelligent. I am as strong willed as it comes. I am intelligent enough to graduate Magna Cun Laude. I am bright enough to get a PhD, and I am self disciplined enough to do this too. I am NOT a brat. I love to obey my dominant, and when I overstep myself I want and accept correction gladly.

BTW, there are many educated and successful submissives and slaves on this board. Having opinions and expressing them does not make you a brat. Being willfully disobedient does.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 10

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 8:32:48 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Brattiness for us is playfulness. It's used appropriately at a time when I think he might enjoy it, it isn't for when he's gotten bad news.

What I think you're talking about is that you don't feel submissive to him and he doesn't feel dominant over you. In some ways this is chemistry. I could talk to a dozen different dominants all of whom were perfectly fine people with experience, yet I wouldn't respond to all of their dominant vibes. I might only respond to one.

If you don't feel submissive then you don't. Which doesn't mean you can't still enjoy a lot of kinky play together and still have a good relationship.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 8:49:09 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

My Daddy has two different categories of brat... the playful one is for scening, the other kind he does not find acceptable. He likes me to get pouty and bossy and petulant for a scene and even joking around, but it has nothing to do with my willpower or strength as a human being.

I think when I first started posting here I would jump all over these threads because I found them "offensive" to submissives... my motivation is different now. I see people who have submissive tendencies but feel they have to fit some stereotype to be who they are to be kinda sad. I want to show them that they can be submissive and strong, compliant but opinionated, giving yet self respecting. You can be any kind of submissive you need to be with the right dom. We all have different needs and wants.... there is not a one-size-fits-all D/s dynamic. I think sometimes people who are submissively inclined see others living in a way that does not make sense to them so they reject it all as being "that way".

I have read a few of these type of threads lately and it reeks of a failure to accept oneself the way that one is which leads to a failure to accept others the way they are. I am not saying that is what the OP is doing necessarily, because I do not have enough information, but I have seen it quite often lately on other threads.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 12

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 9:10:47 PM

alwayshis1

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline

then he hasnt trained submissives, cause i dont know many ,, simpering, helpless person,, that are actually submissives i know strong independant women

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 13

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 9:21:34 PM

mrbenscreature

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

woah ok i misspoke when making everyone think i think all submissives are simpering helpless people. i do NOT think that is the case AT ALL. what i am saying, however, is that from what he's told me about his former subs, they were all pretty damn helpless. so basically, i'm dreadfully sorry if i made people think i consider subs to be simpering and helpless. for the record, also, i would consider a LOT of people, in and out of the lifestyle, to be rather pathetic. this has nothing to do with these particular people being subs, just their character.

(in reply to alwayshis1)

Post #: 14

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 9:25:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I do not know where the problem arises exactly for the two of you, you comply, he likes it that you are stronger than the past submissives he has had... where is the trouble?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 15

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 9:32:54 PM

OhReallyNow

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I do not know where the problem arises exactly for the two of you, you comply, he likes it that you are stronger than the past submissives he has had... where is the trouble?

this slave would have to second that question

_____________________________

~ When anger rises, think of the consequences
CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/15/2006 10:54:30 PM

alovelylady4U

Posts: 67
Joined: 1/15/2005
From: leeli
Status: offline

Go ladies! Oh and welcome mrbenscreature. i think when my 1 Mentor had me sit alone and do a certain task.... yes i did a task from a Net Mentor, but that is another thread on another page.

For me- it really did start to open my eyes as to how i felt, what i thought and so on. ( i think i still have my old hand written journal that had them listed) He once told me the items to place next to my bed (gloves, mask, collar, vibrator, ear plugs, gag- it would depend on the lesson of the evening.) One lesson may have been to wear a collar and cuffs then cut out all external stimuli like light, sight and sound for a prescribed a period of time. Then to sit and jot down all of my thoughts, feelings, ideas in my private journal. It is true it has been a long time since i have done one of these tasks or even chatted with the Mentor that created them for me- bless His heart. Because the next day when He began to ask me questions? i really knew the answers. i truly knew deep within me yes! this is what i desire. your D/M may have some wonderful tasks He can have you do to gain insight into yourself and if this life is for you. i say this because of your words curious and try.
Strong willed, firery all are wonderful assets. i think all of the ladies here agree. Much of your life will be the 9-5 vanilla and yes my friend these are great assets for 9-5 and a bit beyond. Too bratty to be wanted? yes this can happen. Each relationship has its own unique dynamics. your D/M may like a s/sl with spirit or not. Ask.
As for "lose that part of my personality?" Oddly i used to wonder the same. And now i realize for the right D/M i will gladly give Him that aspect of my personality and everything else within me. It has been a long journey for me as it was for all of us here i am sure. Each of us with our own trials and errors, rites of passage and one another to guide, help and answers questions.
Two statements stood out for me- "We've been stagnant for 3 months now and mess up a really good relationship." It may be just me? But something is not what it appears to be? But again it may be just me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/16/2006 2:41:33 AM

XianDominSJ

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline

Wow, there are so many potential dynamics here it's hard to know where to start. Lashra rightly suggested that you ask yourself if you are "truly submissive or are you doing this just to get your kink on?" That's a good question, one which you will need to honestly answer for yourself, by yourself, before you consider my question. You see, my thought is the opposite direction entirely. There are, as Julia noted, different reasons for brattiness -- some playful, some not. Now I would guess at this point if you are playfully bratty it would not be posing a problem. Therefore, I'll assume for this response, based on your post, that this is not playful brattiness, but much deeper motivations expressed as brattiness. What you have remaining then is sheer independence-asserting, boundaries-challenging, limits-testing brattiness. One, some, or all of those could be motivating your behavior. Now I don't want to speak too broadly, but if you ask me, there is a thread of insecurity woven through all of them -- insecurity in yourself and/or the relationship, and the recurring effects thereof. What I mean by this is to say is that if a submissive is securely trusting in her Dom's protection and control she need not constantly attempt to reassure herself of her own "I can take care of myself" independence because she is not afraid of her dependence; she knows he'll always be there and can be trusted. Likewise, if she does not trust in his sincerity and steadfastness, it would be understandable for her to test the limits and push the boundaries, needing the discipline to bring reassurance. You get the idea. When the parent-child overtones and analogies become the focus, you have Daddy Doms and their dear submissives. You may find some insight in those threads, too.

A cursory reading of these forums shows that submission varies with each submissive. Some are content with submission in certain realms (e.g., bedroom-only subs, only-at-home subs) whereas others contend with a deep-seated need for something... deeper, more pervasive, so to speak. This is not the thread to rehash the slave vs. submissive discussion, but some of those dynamics and distinctions now come into play. I once knew a gal exporing D/s who plainly said to me, "This thing is going to totally take me over unless I do something." She realized early on that, for her at least, the surrender was not something at which she could play or compartmentalize, but rather had to be total; she knew it. She saw her choices as between the vanilla independence she'd known or else total submission with all its blessings and demands. As I see it, that total submission requires total surrender, built on the foundation of total trust. This is a long, intimate, challenging endeavor of soul-searching and binding together of dominant and submissive. This is not play, not "getting your kink on," and it does not happen in three months. If you are just "one of several" he's trained and the relationship is plagued with an unassured future then limiting your surrender is understandable and probably a wise safeguard. All you are left with then is exactly what you're seeing; you may be pushing limits to explore the limits of the relationship to validate just how surrendered you should allow yourself to be. I mean, if something is limited, the obvious question is, "How limited?" Consciously or unconsciously, your testiness (er, "brattiness") may be trying to find out just that.

Only you know yourself and whether any or all of this applies to you.

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 18

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/16/2006 5:26:47 AM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I think he should have you write down 3 fantasies you have but that he doesn't know about. He should draw one out of a paper bag and then enact it with you.

Go shopping together at a kinky sex store.

Have a porn night, have a bondage night. There is so much fun stuff out there to try.

He could buy you a book on massage and force you to practice on him every night.

There are a zillion role play scenes on the net try some out.

Read erotic fiction together.

Go camping or get a hotel room.

You guys sound like you have a great relationship going but just need to loosen up and have more fun.

(in reply to mrbenscreature)

Post #: 19

RE: New to this and full of questions - 9/16/2006 1:27:29 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

If he is giving you rules and you are following them religiously it does not sound like you are behaving like a brat. It sounds to me like the problem is his. It sounds like he likes you just the way you are and is uncertain how to proceed without feeling like he's trying to change you or alter some of your natural behavior. D/s relationships come in a lot of different flavors. Some are stereotypical, with the sub being quiet, passive and demure, and some are more of an Alpha male and Alpha female type relationship.

I agree with those who suggest that you both just be yourselves and have fun. The rest will work itself out. It sounds like the two of you have a good relationship and respect each other. That's the most important part.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 20

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