A Question About Being Needy... (Full Version)

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losttreasure -> A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 1:01:54 AM)

“Neediness” is brought up quite often in the threads... usually with great derision... when the discussion turns to long distance relationships, abandonment issues relating to trust, and separation anxiety.  

But what exactly is “being needy”?   How is it that you would identify someone as being needy, or, if you consider yourself to be needy, why? 



TheShadows -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 1:15:12 AM)

I see someone as being "needy" when they exhibit behaviors/acting out of needing constant attention, constant directions, constant affirmations, constant reminding, constantly "needing" something, anything so badly that they feel like less than a person without it.  Example:  The slave that constantly needs to be told "I care about you." I feel as though it is an issue of a lack of self esteem/worth.  They need to constantly be made to feel good about themselves instead of having that feeling within themselves to begin with.

As always, YMMV...

MrsShadows



Wolfie648 -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 2:38:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

“Neediness” is brought up quite often in the threads... usually with great derision... when the discussion turns to long distance relationships, abandonment issues relating to trust, and separation anxiety.  

But what exactly is “being needy”?   How is it that you would identify someone as being needy, or, if you consider yourself to be needy, why? 




I need u to email me 5 times a day.

I need u to whip my butt once a week.

I need you to X

Need = die without it.

In case this wasn't obvious; corollary - everything else is wants.

As I've said so many times before I am an extremist.

And to answer what is needy - that which requires more from the Dom/Owner than is required by them.

Eh just a thought.

D (owner of j).



WhipTheHip -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 3:14:26 AM)

People who are "Needy" have more needs than you want to meet.   Personally, I like a partner who needs constant
attention, who need constant love, who need constant affirmation how much you love them, who need you.  When
you have a child, you constantly tell them how much you love them.  If you have a partner that means a lot to
you, why wouldn't you say the same thing to them?  Some people need a lot of space, and like to be alone a lot.
Some people seek a partner so they won't be alone. 

We live in a society where too many people are like: "Who needs you?"  If partners don't need each other, if they
are just icing on the cake, if they don't really need you, the second the going gets rough as it will from time to
time, they are gone.  There are too many fair-weather partners who don't need each other, because there are a
thousand fish in the water just like you, so when the going gets rough, they get going.



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 3:40:01 AM)

Needy in life in general:
I would define being 'needy', as requiring more input, than i am willing to give at the time. That is, if we are to take the negative slant on being needy. Some people, not just bdsm'rs, but people in general, suck the very life force from you. They are bottomless pits of need. No matter how much you 'give' they still 'need' more. That is what id describe a needy person, someone who's far more skilled in 'taking' than 'giving'. High maintenance people, we all know at least one of these types. We all are needy at times, that's ok. And that's not what id define as needy. Its a matter of excess of neediness that grates on me. Sure, ill top your bucket of need if i can, and if i wish, but try me on a day when im needy myself, and im less inclined to do so. Try it over and over again, and im seriously unlikely to do so.

Then there is needy in the lifestyle. From my very very ltd experience, if we are talking 'needy' we are talking of a behaviour that occurs more often than it is deemed usual for that person to do. In times of lifestress, we need more support of others for expample. That's ok.
But high maintenance Dom's, subs, switches or whatever, over a prolonged period of time, or perhaps at a inopportune time for me, equates to a pain in the ass i could do without.

But the 'within normal perameters' need. ie. i haven't played for a week, and im like a bitch on heat for him with my neediness. Or he i. that's cool. That's very cool in fact lol.

Neediness, is a behaviour, that like any other, gets noticed if it is in excess or deficit or at odds to the amount im prepared to give at the time. 

My ultimate description of neediness, is the Drama Queen, be they male, female, top or bottom. Gee those guys need more than they are entitled to expect. Which i find very tiring.

littleone



TheToyMan -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 3:52:37 AM)

I needed to respond to this question. I don't know why.

I also think TheShadows said it best. Some people have a need to need or a lack of self esteem.



agirl -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 5:29:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

“Neediness” is brought up quite often in the threads... usually with great derision... when the discussion turns to long distance relationships, abandonment issues relating to trust, and separation anxiety.  

But what exactly is “being needy”?   How is it that you would identify someone as being needy, or, if you consider yourself to be needy, why? 



TheShadows expressed how I'd see excessive *neediness*.

I think there are as many different types of *neediness* as there are people. And as many ways of reassuring. Neediness is quite subjective.

I don't tend to think that a lot of the things that people express they need ARE *needs*... but rather  *wish for, hope for, long for, pine for, desire or want* things and much disappointment occurs when try to plug the *gaps* in ourselves, caused by those, with the wrong shaped plugs.

I'm sure that I  have appeared needy at times, and excessively needy at others....usually it was borne out of circumstances and being misunderstood.

I have behaved badly for those reasons at various times. Sometimes it's been understandable and other times a *kick in the pants* was due.

I don't see *high maintenance* as quite the same thing. I view that as *requiring a lot of constant effort*......that certainly applies to me and to my relationship.

agirl

edited for grammar








OhReallyNow -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 5:43:11 AM)

while this slave is very much able to function by herself, she also considers herself to be very needy. She needs the love of her unmentionable; she needs the love, caring, and control of Master; she needs feedback from her co-workers on a daily basis. As to the why, this slave feels most complete when the emotions, and feelings that she projects towards others are returned.
 
edited because this slave can not type very well this morning [:)]



bandit25 -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 6:18:26 AM)

Lovely new picture, btw



gardenbluebird -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 6:45:36 AM)

i think a person is needy when their sense of self worth has to be created and supported from the outside, rather than from within.  If you constantly need support to feel good about yourself then you are needy.  If you like who you are to start with, if your happiness comes from your own heart, if you can feel good about your day based on your own accomplishments then you are not needy.



eyesopened -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 6:47:59 AM)

i see neediness as a glass half empty because there is a hole in it... no matter how often you fill it, it will always be half empty.  Some people have a hole in their soul or their psyche and until that is addressed they will always need and never be filled.

i hope this doesn't offend anyone, it's just my opinion.



WhipTheHip -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 6:54:14 AM)

> i think a person is needy when their sense of self worth has to be
> created and supported from the outside, rather than from within. 
> If you constantly need support to feel good about yourself then
> you are needy.  If you like who you are to start with, if your happiness
> comes from your own heart, if you can feel good about your day
> based on your own accomplishments then you are not needy.

Ideally, there should be a balance.  People who don't care what
their partners think about them live in their own world.  They
tend to be schizoidal.  Normal people enjoy positive feedback,
especially from their significant others.  People who don't
need the love of others because they love themselves are
narccicists.



DivaDuchess -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 7:00:40 AM)

Oh my ... constantly needing reassurance that there is affection for instance.  If you have to ask, we need to work on your security issues.  I'm not often the warm fuzzy type of person ... you either know or you don't.  If you don't then we need to communicate better.  Needing me to call you all the time *yikes* ... needing 24/7/365 communication.  I'm not telepathic, when you're sleeping, what do you want ... a neon sign?  Needing the paddle every day, needing my direction to use the bathroom (your bodily functions are you own unless we are playing).

Needy = your desperation in attitude for something in mine I am unable or unwilling at that time to give.

Just my opinion and it will differ from others, in the lifestyle or not.




Phoenixandnika -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 7:13:50 AM)

Wholeness is simply "giving more than you take." I believe this statement is very true and it one that I personally try and live by.  This about this do you constantly take or do you give of yourself as well?
 
I define needy as someone who defines them by their partner, who cannot do anything without their partner, who says they cannot live without their partner, who constantly takes and gives very little back to the relationship.
 
I believe we are all needy on some level in our lives. Some need more because of emotional scarring, some because of physical issues (ie. illness or physical handicaps), mental illness (any diagnosed mental disorder), and economics.
 
I believe neediness translates seamlessly into other behavior patters as well. What happens if the needy person doesn't get what he/she wants? What happens if her partner disappoints him/her in some way? Does the needy person in the relationship have self-identity?

Perhaps this is caused by low-self esteem; perhaps people confusing needs and wants cause it. Regardless of the why's I have seen it destroy many relationships. Typically the needed person ends up feeling suffocated and resentful against the needy person.



KatyLied -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 7:27:25 AM)

I think this is a great topic.  I try not to be needy. 

To me, being "needy" is needing constant reassurance of your place in someone's life.  In a relationship, it's needing attention and contact in excessive amounts, and freaking out when you don't get it.  It's an inability to be comfortable with yourself.



juliaoceania -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 7:28:12 AM)

I think people confuse being "needy" with "needs" and if it is not the bare essential minimum to sustain life then they are 1)confusing wants with needs 2)they are a needy person. I do not think this is true at all. Maslow's Heirchy of Needs explored this concept by showing us that if the lower tiered needs are met that frees us to get our higher order needs met.

I think of a needy person in two different ways, but both are charity cases.

1) if you lack the basics to sustain human life you are needy. If you do not have clean food and water, a warm place to lay your head and adequate clothing you are a needy person because you are in need of something.

2) The other type of needy exhibits itself as the clingy vine, it is not a healthy neediness in the minds of people. Having a hole to hill inside one's heart can make them needy, and it is considered to be a character flaw.

It is one thing to need something physically, but to admit to needing things emotionally smacks of neediness, and since that makes a person flawed, no one wants to admit they need other people.

I need people... I make no bones about that because I know from scientific evidence about this that we all are in need of others to sustain good emotional health. If I love someone I need them as a part of my life to operate at maximum wellness. I need to know my son is ok, I need to know my extended family is around and stay in contact. I need my chosen mate around, If I have no chosen mate I am lonely for one and that causes me to focus energy on that aspect. I have noticed a lot of people that feel it is weak to need others, especially romantically. I think odd because without others we go literally crazy if left alone too long.

Just some thoughts



amuzingtoyou -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 7:46:05 AM)

I think there are different degrees of neediness. Every person, i don't care if you are dominant or submissive goes through period of their life where they become needy. We all need something.When someone needs constant reassurance that they are loved and wanted, attention every minute of the day, then i would say their level of neediness is pretty high. And most likely they will find someone who wants a partner like that. I hear neediness talked about like its a bad thing. I don't think its a bad thing to want more from your partner. I don't think its a bad thing to ask for more from your partner. It is bad, however, to demand more from your partner than they can or are willing to give. I do think neediness becomes a problem when it starts to impeed on your day to day life. If you can't function without those needs being met, then most likely your neediness needs to be checked.



ownedgirlie -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 8:16:19 AM)

~ Fast Reply ~

Reading through this thread, I think, well THIS is why I get the reaction I do when I say I am needy for my Master.  While I see that neediness can indeed be viewed as a display of unhealthy, unwanted, and in fact rather annoying behavior, I see another side to that coin as well.

Master absolutely loves my neediness for him.  I am a well functioning, healthy adult.  I live alone, I have two residences, I have a good employment, I take care of others, providing support/assistance/comfort as needed.  I can function well, in general.  I can go for undetermined periods of time hanging out by myself if Master is otherwise preoccupied. I get along just fine in life, as I must.  I do not complain or whine or demand for his time and attention. But I do cling to him, and he enjoys that and fosters that. 

What I mean by this is I feel an unsatiated longing and craving for him, always.  Yes, I can function on my own, but I can not imagine my life without him and would suffer greatly should that occur.  I need to belong to him.  I need to please him.  I need to be his slave.  My desire to serve him is so great, it is an intense magnetic pull from deep within my core.  Thus, I need him.  This is displayed by letters to him that express gut wrenching love/lust/desire, and by falling to his feet to grovel before him, kissing and worshipping them when I see him, and by being so in tune to him that at times nothing in the world exists but his presence before me. He intoxicates me.  He feeds me.  He is my comfort, my beacon, my need.

I have no trouble admitting that I need him.  He is my owner, after all. He is quite pleased by my neediness for him, and does not see my expression of it as anything negative at all.  One of Webster's definitions of Neediness is "being in want."   Well yes, I am in want of him.  It's second definition is "marked by want of affection, attention, or emotional support."  What is a slave who does not wish that from her Master? 

Emotionally need can indeed be a life-sucking, annoying, unhealthy trait.  It can also be equally wonderful, beautiful, and fulfilling.



buffiy -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 8:47:19 AM)

A Very interesting thread and thank you for starting it, losttreasure. one has enjoyed reading all of the posts to it - they are well written and very insightful.
one believes that Eeveryone, regardless of whether they are 'Dominant' inside or 'submissive', has at times exhibited 'needy' tendencies.... this is called 'being human' in buffiy's book.
Perhaps it is the definition which needs work?  Being 'needy' is going to mean different things to different folks.  slaves like buffiy for instance can be termed needy, in our 'need' to serve and please  and should that be denied by the One, it can truly be considered a punishment for us - a serious one.  Many slaves also need  the attention that comes with 'micro-management'.  Lots of  folks might perhaps hate having to ask constantly for permission to toilet, to speak, to eat, to drink, to kneel, to curl (Yyou get the drift here, one is sure).... but for many slaves, this is a form of reassurance and they need that.  Having to 'micro-manage' is not for  all Masters/Mistresses either but for Some, it is what They 'need' as well.  Perhaps it all comes down to what buffiy has believed all along.... it is simply a matter of 'best fit between Dominants/submissives-slaves.
respectfully
buffiy



kyraofMists -> RE: A Question About Being Needy... (9/17/2006 9:20:10 AM)

I see neediness as expecting someone else to take responsibility for meeting your needs instead of taking on that responsibility yourself.  I also think the perception of neediness in a person can also come from them confusing a want as a need.

Knight's kyra

*edited to add... I like the new pic losttreasure



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