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Released - 9/20/2006 1:00:02 PM

Wanderlust63

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/17/2006
Status: offline

After 3 1/2 years by mutual consent. I adored, loved and worshipped Him, my friend, my lover, my confidante, my beloved Master. 90% of the time we were deleriously happy but 10% was absolute hell for me because of his temper (no physical abuse). It is for the best but the coming weeks will be unbearable. Friends and family are being kind but I need the anonimity of a perv friendly board to speak openly.

Thanks for listening.

Post #: 1

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:01:08 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Good luck.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 2

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:04:46 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

Hang tough, remember that it will get easier over time. My best to you.

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 3

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:07:17 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I understand how hard it can be to end a relationship because a boundary has been ignored. Be proud that you stood up for yourself and loved yourself enough to do it. *hugs*

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 4

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:23:38 PM

Wanderlust63

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I understand how hard it can be to end a relationship because a boundary has been ignored. Be proud that you stood up for yourself and loved yourself enough to do it. *hugs*

Master Fire

Not so much "standing up for myself" but realising that the pattern of utopia, then an "out of nowhere" tantrum, being abandoned for days, weeks and finally begging craven forgiveness wasn't going to stop. Sometimes it was deserved, sometimes not.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:32:19 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

It is hard to get off the rollercoaster (I know from personal experience) but the even keel that you will discover in the coming months will give you some solace. Like all things it takes time. A warning: sometimes people will crave that feeling of the highs and lows of the kinda relationship you had. It becomes the "norm" in your life, and it is hard to break that habit. Peace will come after the storm. I send you my best wishes and know it does get better!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 6

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:38:01 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Sometimes, you dont see whats best for you until you step out of what had been routine. My vanilla marriage was much like the rollercoaster you described, we fought or ignored one another often, ut the happy times were so incredible it became easy to turn a blind eye to the bad stuff. However, it wasnt until after we disolved the marriage, and quite a bit of healing time aferwards, that I realized that that was NOT what I wanted, no matter how much we loved one another.
Love isnt always enough to make things work

And the board is always a great place to vent, its comforting to see how many other people have shared the tings we go through. A little easier when you know your ot the only one...

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:38:39 PM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

julia, as always you are right on the mark.
(may I contact you?)
PattiAnn

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 1:42:33 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

Good luck. Ending any relationship can be painful and difficult. I wish you peace and continued happiness

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 9

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 2:10:45 PM

Wanderlust63

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

It is hard to get off the rollercoaster (I know from personal experience) but the even keel that you will discover in the coming months will give you some solace. Like all things it takes time. A warning: sometimes people will crave that feeling of the highs and lows of the kinda relationship you had. It becomes the "norm" in your life, and it is hard to break that habit. Peace will come after the storm. I send you my best wishes and know it does get better!

Thank you to you and DiurnalVampire.

I *hated* the lows - the highs were better than those any I've ever known.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 2:13:25 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I am sorry for your breakup and the current and upcoming feelings and questions of one self. Like others who have been there, time does make everything better and be patient and focus on the positives in your life. Now is also the time for a little self indulgence and doing things outside the life that make you happy.

It takes a strong person to venture out of what they are use to and be thankful your healing process has started and sometime in the future a bigger happiness can be found from learning from your past experiences.

Lin

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 11

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 2:14:33 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I had M/s relationship similar. His temper would explode , no abuse. Just got tired of the extreme ups and downs. I asked for my release and we went our seperate ways. It took me a long time to get back in the groove and move on. I realized how unhealthy it was and did not regret leaving the relationship. Good luck to you.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 9/20/2006 2:15:53 PM >

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 12

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 2:20:39 PM

tade

Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderlust63
but I need the anonimity of a perv friendly board to speak openly.

Love being perv friendly. ;)
Darlin', pain goes away, scars heal and in 10 years you won't hurt anymore but be left with warm memories. Nothing you didn't already know I'm sure, but just incase...

Between now and then....

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 13

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 3:00:48 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderlust63

I *hated* the lows - the highs were better than those any I've ever known.

Hello A/all,

I have had a couple of long term relationships in my life that seemed to be nothing but lows. In the first case, I blame my stubbornness and refusal to accept reality for a long long time. But I was there for most of my children's lives, so I guess every silver lining (kids) has it's cloud (ex-wife).

The second one was doomed largely due to circumstances. I clung desperately to it for several years thinking it would eventually improve. What I determined several years ago was that I was trying to build a relationship with somebody who was not emotionally ready to be in one. After the last one entered the denoument over a year ago, I spent a long time alone. I grieved. I would go out dancing and watch people dance in perfect synergy, and I would ache for that sort of a partnership. I would watch people holding hands or kissing in love and want that for myself. I would wander up to the Lair DeSade at times and watch the interaction of partners. I wont say that I relished the sadness, but I will say that I think I needed to experience those feelings and not try to blot them out with meaningless affairs or alcohol or workaholism. I wanted to come to terms with what it is about me that makes me keep having the sorts of relationships I had had.

Grieve as long as you need to grieve, and eventually you will hear the birds chirp and smell the flowers and recover your emotional center. At which point, I suspect you will attract the person into your life that completes the both of you.

Good luck.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 14

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 5:52:38 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Sometimes, you dont see whats best for you until you step out of what had been routine. My vanilla marriage was much like the rollercoaster you described, we fought or ignored one another often, ut the happy times were so incredible it became easy to turn a blind eye to the bad stuff. However, it wasnt until after we disolved the marriage, and quite a bit of healing time aferwards, that I realized that that was NOT what I wanted, no matter how much we loved one another.
Love isnt always enough to make things work

I really relate to this. Leaving my marriage was the most difficult thing I have ever done, yet the healthiest in the long run. Healing takes a long time, but it comes. In time you will enjoy the peace of your own company. In my case, I loved the man, and I loved the highs, which were about 70% of the time. But to get those highs meant to get all that came with them, which was something I could no longer do.

I wish you peace and healing. One day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 15

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 6:15:42 PM

SadistCpl4fslv

Posts: 77
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline

Thought I would add my two cents from a slightly different angle and it requires barring my past and laying myself open to the rest of you. So if I get a lot of grief over it, I won't ever do it again *grin*. You did the right thing, as painful as it was and the loss you now feel. I say this as one that had a problem with my own temper and rage for many years. It almost sent Birishina and I our seperate ways after several years of marriage, and it caused me to seek professional help to get it under control. Of all the things I could control, or tried to, my temper always got the best of me and corrupted EVERYTHING that Birishina and I tried to do and share together. I am proud to say that I don't have this problem any longer and that our relationship and marriage is on solid ground. But looking back, it frightens me what I was capable of and shames me that I put her through so much hell. Once again........you did the right thing.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 16

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 6:50:40 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Yeah, it's always the male's fault.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderlust63

90% of the time we were deleriously happy but 10% was absolute hell for me because of his temper (no physical abuse).

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 17

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 7:13:32 PM

Kahri

Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Yeah, it's always the male's fault.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderlust63

90% of the time we were deleriously happy but 10% was absolute hell for me because of his temper (no physical abuse).

Glad we all agree.

Seriously, she did say sometimes deserved andsometimes not. What more do you expect?

I hope the healing process is as quick as can be and you find one who you can be with without the emotional rollercoaster rides.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 18

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 7:14:04 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i wont say that i have been through what you are going through, how could i ever say that?

but i can say i could have written every word in your post, the 90% deliriously happy, the sudden fits of anger (no hitting), the loss of self, the pain of separation.

the perve friendly board helped, the friends and family helped, but i want to share with you what helped the most and moved me along the fastest....an exercise called ....your victim story.

goes like this, i was asked to tell my whole victim story in two minutes of all the years we were together.

i was to mention every hurt and dreadful thing he did to me.

then when the timer timed i was to take a deep breath

my friend reset the clock and then i was asked to tell the whole story again this time taking personal responsibility for every choice i made to stay in the relationship, to allow him to continue the abuse, to betray myself time and again.

it was cathartic. it was empowering. and it changed me...in 4 minutes.

the way it was shown to be done is that the person who is guiding you sits with you in a dark room, both peoples eyes are closed, you tell the story to the other person and they do not say anything back...both times.

there is crying of course, but as i say it is cathartic.

hope it helps.

amy

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 19

RE: Released - 9/20/2006 7:37:34 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Endings are never easy, even when we initiate them out of necessity. i can empathize with you regarding needing a place to come where you can vent your feelings. It's so important to be able to express your grief and sadness over this change and loss. This is especially important if we have D/s relationships that are not common knowledge to everyone else we interact with, it's like having to stuff your grief way down and put on a false front for everyone. This is a very hard thing to do long term and it just serves to prolong the healing process. Things will eventually look brighter and one day you will be with one who completes you and you'll look back and realize it was all worth it :-)

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Wanderlust63)

Post #: 20

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