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Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 10:23:31 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I do from time to time send a small note to someone on this sight who has a nice picture and a good start on a profile or a nice profile merely to say "Good job" and encourage them. I know a lot folks never get any notice on these boards. Sometimes this turns into a conversation.

The most current one made me shake my head because some of the things that Guy Baldwin was writing about in the late 1980s and early 1990s seem not to have changed. There is this fantasy that as soon as you meet someone you move in with them and become their slave -- no discussion, not time to get to know each other, it just happens. Guy Baldwin was discussing this from the view of dangerous tops but frankly I see it most often among bottoms/subs including the person I was talking to.

Why?

I just don't get it. It certainly isn't very safe for either person and frankly I don't think it is a very realistic attitude to have after one or two emails.

Is the idea that it makes one seem more slavelike? More willing to follow or more able to follow?

Honestly to me it sends almost the opposite message. It strongly suggests that the person I've been exchanging an email or two with is stuck in a fantasy and unable to deal with reality. *looks around her* I live in reality.

How many others (both tops/doms or bottoms/subs) have seen this immediacy issues pop up and how did it affect your opinion of the person with it.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

Post #: 1

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 10:29:43 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I have seen it as well and I find it really disturbing when the person has kids and they are prepared to pack up and leave those kids behind

. I think its not only fantasy but part of it is sub frenzy. When the person HAS to find someone and is willing to do most anything to land a Dom/me. To me its an automatic turn off. It says the person doesn't really care about me OR themselves, they just care about getting their fantasy needs met.

People really need to be smarter and take their time. These are relationships and they take time to form, it does not happen overnight.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 2

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 11:22:24 AM

tasha_tart

Posts: 385
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Surprisingly enough, to me at least, I get this sort of thing on occasion too. Most recently it was the offer "to start a new life" by moving in with a domme (?) in the UK. Pretty good deal after a 5 minute chat.

In my experience these "move in with me" and "let me move in with you" offers are either HNGs (or the female equivalent I suppose) or sincere, but unrealistic or troubled individuals.

In any case, these people generally end up in the deleted bin.

Tasha

_____________________________

"Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones."...Woody Allen

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 3

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 12:08:05 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I can honestly say I've never had that happen to me. Hell, I've never even had one offer to show up for coffee...lol.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to tasha_tart)

Post #: 4

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 12:51:17 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

There is this fantasy that as soon as you meet someone you move in with them and become their slave -- no discussion, not time to get to know each other, it just happens. Guy Baldwin was discussing this from the view of dangerous tops but frankly I see it most often among bottoms/subs including the person I was talking to.

Why?

I just don't get it. It certainly isn't very safe for either person and frankly I don't think it is a very realistic attitude to have after one or two emails.

Is the idea that it makes one seem more slavelike? More willing to follow or more able to follow?

Honestly to me it sends almost the opposite message. It strongly suggests that the person I've been exchanging an email or two with is stuck in a fantasy and unable to deal with reality. *looks around her* I live in reality.

How many others (both tops/doms or bottoms/subs) have seen this immediacy issues pop up and how did it affect your opinion of the person with it.

Yes, I have had those happen quite often, actually. And It defintiely affects My opinion, in a negative manner.
It is sometimes relayed as "i have no choice, Ma'am! You already own me..." sometimes as "i am ready to move, and have nothing holding me...i can be there in a few days".
Some of them seem to honestly feel this is the way it is done and it is the lot of the slave. (A bunch of romantic crap, IMO!) Others, I am sure are looking for a new life that includes a new roof. Many of these I refer to as " the runaways". They are ready to leave families, quit jobs, and come live in a cage (naked, of course). Or maybe they don't even have a job to quit, so they are trying to find something new. These are the ones who don't really care because they bring nothing but a willing body for "My pleasure" (Yep..uh huh!), a pile of debt and a storage locker full of serious issues. I get the key! Yipee!
The more they beg, the more turned off and tuned out I become.

To Jewel! I am willing to bet that you haven't experienced this, because none of them want to tangle with Scooter! I mean, this sounds like a serious M/s household! *Smile*

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 9/21/2006 12:52:02 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 5

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 12:53:45 PM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

I'm packed and ready for the call!!!!!!!

Ready? Now? How about Now? Not yet? Now? Hmmmm? Now?

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 6

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 1:06:54 PM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I've honestly never understood that kind of behaviour in the vanilla world as well as the BDSM lifestyle. Especially when one has children, but thats just me.

I always had these 3 rules (one has been broken on occasion, but i'll forgo mentioning which.)

1. No married men.
2. No sex on the first date.
3. No you may not move in.

It's always been a bit of a red flag for me if someone jumps at the chance to move in together right away. It makes me wonder if they are running away from something. (again, just me, no offense implied or intended to anyone.)

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)

Post #: 7

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 4:03:19 PM

Kahri

Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

I sometimes wonder if it is at least partially the fault of 9 1/2 Weeks. They had one date, and then she turned her entire life over to this guy who (imho) was completely psycho. They seem to overlook the fact that she basically went insane at the end, and he dumped her at a hospital and never bothered to check up on her and see if she was okay.

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 8

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 4:11:47 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kahri

I sometimes wonder if it is at least partially the fault of 9 1/2 Weeks. They had one date, and then she turned her entire life over to this guy who (imho) was completely psycho. They seem to overlook the fact that she basically went insane at the end, and he dumped her at a hospital and never bothered to check up on her and see if she was okay.

Now I would look at that (which I hadn't thought of), but think of it as art limitating life...not life imitating art.
Storyline based upon the probability or possibility of this happening in real life...rather the the other way around.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to Kahri)

Post #: 9

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 4:58:45 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I get responses like that fairly often, partly because I state that I am seeking a Mistress/slave relationship "possibly leading to 24/7 ownership." Some seem to selectively filter out a few words and think I am seeking a slave to move in immediately, which is far from the case. I would certainly take My time getting to know someone before extending them an offer to move into My home.

I agree that such individuals are living in a fantasy world and not in touch with reality. I really would question a person who had so little going for themselves that they could drop everything immediately, uproot themselves, and move in with a person they hardly knew in another state or country.

Generally, when a prospective sub starts talking along these lines, I write them off as living in a fantasy world. I just stop communicating with them and they usually just go on to the next Domme. There have been a few pests that I've ended up blocking.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 10

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 5:29:41 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

It happens both ways, of course ... my favorite was the guy who wanted Holly and I to move into his house as soon as I graduated (he contacted us the first time about 2 weeks before graduation). He lived about a 5 hour drive away, didn't want any of our pets to come with us (and that included rob) and thought that we would be thrilled at the chance of moving away from our current jobs and job possibilities - since I had already signed up to be licensed in IN and he didn't live in IN.

It's irritating, and disturbing, honestly ... to think that someone would make such a commitment based on a few 5 minute conversations. We have about the same response as the others here, I think - a quick "no thanks" and blocking them if they don't take the hint.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)

Post #: 11

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 6:00:34 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I haven't been at this long, but I have encountered those who want to just fall at my feet and worship after getting one or two emails. It really kind puts me off. It makes me feel like I'm just Generic Domme #145789 because how can they possibly know if they really want to worship me or not when they don't even know me? But for some it seems the fantasy is just so great that most any warm body will do. Unfortunately these are probably the same ones that would move in within weeks of knowing someone.

I think these people must be terribly unstable. It's such a reckless and strange thing to do. I don't think any clear thinking rational person would do something like that, so I also think their "submission" may be related to emotional problems. I worry about the Dom/me's that would bring a total stranger into their home this way too. It's not a good idea for either party and anyone who can't see that has got some real issues.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 12

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 8:16:40 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

That part always gets me too. I have a job and family here I cannot imagine moving in an attempt to live out a fantasy. It would make me take a huge step away if someone offered to join me and live in my home.
WHY?
Where was there home and family? How can anyone pick up and leave a job without so much as an inquiry about the job market in the proposed new location?
This would be a huge red flag for me.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11

It's always been a bit of a red flag for me if someone jumps at the chance to move in together right away. It makes me wonder if they are running away from something. (again, just me, no offense implied or intended to anyone.)

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 13

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/21/2006 8:39:35 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I done it, it was a dreadful mistake, part of the reason tammmy, is because if you are in a LDR, the travel expences and the ache of missing the person start making you think dumb thoughts.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 14

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 12:01:36 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

For the gay men who had one-handedly read Mr. Benson....their fantasy WAS in fact, to be his slave, be uprooted and moved into Mr. B's home as his property. I know why I wouldn't, but really......why wouldn't someone so inclined want no tangible responsibilities to bills, a mortgage, to family or to a job when they could be told what to do, how to think, and how to "be"? I get it, really I do. What they unfortunately don't get is how unrealistic that is for the person who winds up with the responsibility. I don't call that fun.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 2:08:38 AM

angelwingrazor

Posts: 26
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline

as a slave, i can safely say i'd never do a hasty move. i find it kind of foolish, for one, and want to know you better before you make that offer :\

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 16

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 5:40:27 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

There is this fantasy that as soon as you meet someone you move in with them and become their slave -- no discussion, not time to get to know each other, it just happens.

Learning things the hard way is a necessary road for some.

That said, an inexperienced person with sexually charged excitement, fantasy projections, and optimisim is more than capable of impulsive, irrational, and reckless judgment. Its part of their charm.

What is more puzzling to me are EXPERIENCED more mature people who still hold crazy fantasies as a realistic expectations.

Last thing: Maybe some people get lucky and stumble into a compatible, love-at-first-sight situation with a seemless D/S synergy.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 8:07:12 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

For the gay men who had one-handedly read Mr. Benson....their fantasy WAS in fact, to be his slave, be uprooted and moved into Mr. B's home as his property. I know why I wouldn't, but really......why wouldn't someone so inclined want no tangible responsibilities to bills, a mortgage, to family or to a job when they could be told what to do, how to think, and how to "be"? I get it, really I do. What they unfortunately don't get is how unrealistic that is for the person who winds up with the responsibility. I don't call that fun.

I get the fantasies that people have and the fiction that feeds into them, but I'm interested in a reality of Ds.

I think that someone who can't see the difference between fantasy and reality is not mature enough to be involved in a Ds relationship beyond time-limited role-playing or scenes. Thus when this immediacy rears up it really puts that perons into a negative light for me. Is that me being opinionated and judgemental here? Damn right! I'm the one who has to decide who is and is not appropriate for me and making judgements is one way I do that.

To those who want to move in immediately, there are those on the other side of the BDSM equation who want that too -- good luck. Target your pleas for moving in right now to that group of people.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 18

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 8:59:21 AM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I'm packed and ready for the call!!!!!!!

Ready? Now? How about Now? Not yet? Now? Hmmmm? Now?

To the Dommes that sent me emails because they took my earlier post to heart - it was twinged with sarcasm and humor. I have no intention of just moving into an unknown situation - it is very likely it wouldn't be safe for me and You don't know if You would be safe from me either.

I'm a really nice guy, but No O/one really knows that for sure, do Y/you?

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)

Post #: 19

RE: Appeal of Moving in Immediately? - 9/22/2006 8:59:33 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelwingrazor

as a slave, i can safely say i'd never do a hasty move. i find it kind of foolish, for one, and want to know you better before you make that offer :\

Yet many people STILL do it. Look at the gloating on the positive feedback forum. There's a few near trainwrecks that had only met on here, and one who moved before she even MET the guy.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to angelwingrazor)

Post #: 20

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