RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that?

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/16/2005 8:18:30 PM

Atavist

Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

So my question is as a Dom are you in this lifestyle just for the sex or is it because you want to protect and care for your sub(s)??

Why do you assume that a wonderful sex life and caring for each other are mutually exclusive? In a D/s relationship or any other? You can (and should) have both.

As others have said, alot of guys simply want to get laid. Thats as old as time itself. Nothing new there. So you turn on your computer and bingo, 10,000 guys are knocking down your door to bed you. Welcome to the wild west called the 'net.

Take your time, get to know someone, online and offline before you make any commitments. Why rush? Its interesting to watch the musical collars here, some seem to come and go on a weekly basis. What gives with that?

< Message edited by Atavist -- 1/16/2005 8:19:05 PM >

(in reply to colonicegirl17)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/18/2005 5:05:23 AM

blimabean

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Being a male, I can only imagine what the females go through here, or any other related site. The only difference between web-sites, and real life, is S/some can be bolder sitting behind a computer in T/their approaches.

Personally, the lifestyle is far greater than just the sexual aspect of it. Don't get Me wrong, it is a significant part. But the lifestyle, to Me, goes much deeper than that. The structure of it, the patience,the intensity, and the growth are Far deeper than that of a vanilla relationship!

Just My two cents worth!

(in reply to colonicegirl17)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/18/2005 5:48:08 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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My question to those of you who are generalizing is...What is True? Who is Real? What constitutes a True Dom/Domme?

Really what I want to know is, are the people who are finding only the veiled 'horn dogs' are you getting out much? Are you actually exploring the real time options where you live, or only trying to make on-line connections?

My experience is that On-line and Real Time can very greatly. In well established, lifestyle organizations, you are much more apt to find Dominants of either gender who are there for more than getting laid. However, not all of us who are Real Time are disintersted in a sexual component within the realms of our 'kinky' relationships.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with people who question the sexual aspect, but I am certainly not going to sit here and let people decide what is True for an entire world-wide community. If I want to incorporate sex into my BDSM relationships, does that make me some kind of Untrue Domme?

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to colonicegirl17)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/18/2005 12:30:20 PM

tabbycat

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Joined: 6/29/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colonicegirl17

I have to ask this because it seems that all Dom's want is fresh meat to screw. i've been in this lifestyle off and on for 3 years and have only found one non perverted Dom. He respects me for a person and cares for me and my desires and never asks for sexual things. in my opinon a Dom/sub relationship is way way more than just sex. So my question is as a Dom are you in this lifestyle just for the sex or is it because you want to protect and care for your sub(s)?? please don't take offense to this i'm just trying to understand.

i wanted to say that i've found much of the same thing with men that i've been talking to/ going out with. i think that it happens a lot, but some men are that way. Not just Doms, i think most of us feel stressed or ready to throw in the towel at some time or another. my hope is that if you shift through the coal long enough you'll fine a diamond.

(in reply to colonicegirl17)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/19/2005 2:13:57 AM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
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I think this is yet another case where finding a good partner within the lifestyle is similar to finding a good vanilla partner. It takes time to find someone who is compatible for a relationship no matter what your personal tastes. There are liars and fakes in every aspect of life and on both sides of the gender gap. Some people are prone to misrepresent themselves in order to get what they want.
There are also those who accurately represent the fact that all they want is a kinky sexual relationship or perhaps they want a D/s relationship in the bedroom and want to be vanilla outside the bedroom. These folks may even represent the majority, I couldn't really say for sure. I do think it is possible, with some forethought, to develop some criteria by which to filter out those who aren't compatible with you.
I think it helps to recognize that the further outside of the norm you are, the less likely you are to find someone who's compatible. Those of us who practice or desire to practice D/s as a way of life are far enough outside the mainstream to make compatibility fairly problematic. Those who are searching for a more absolute lifestyle are even more limited in their potential matches. It would seem that those who only want to get a little kinky once in a while or only in certain circumstances have the least amount of difficulty finding what they want.
What you've described makes perfectly good sense to me. From my perspective, there are also more submissives who want a mate to spank them before sex than there submissives who want to live in service. I think the level of your frustration is due, in part, to the fact that those who want a limited amount of D/s in their rrelationships are searching for partners within the same forums as those who want a greater amount. This is compounded by the fact that there is no seperation in terminology.
Best of luck in your journey,
Timothy

(in reply to tabbycat)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/19/2005 9:05:16 AM

RonOne49

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Speaking as Dom that was in the lifestyle for a long time then out for the past 7 years and now back, Umm well speaking, as a Dom the sex is nice but it is the least important reason I have for being a Dom. I enjoy many other aspects of it far more! Such as watching a sub grow in her submission and learn to enjoy her servitude. The controlling aspect is a particular joy and the guidance I give to my sub (I say sub as at this time there is only one) but in the past it was subs.

The build up the sex is what makes the sex sooo good, you just don’t have that type of experience in the vanilla world. It is a life style choice that I would make again and again

(in reply to ShadowKnight)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/20/2005 11:28:29 AM

Paindancer

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Joined: 1/19/2005
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I personally am just fine with keeping sex and fetish play completely seperate.

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/20/2005 12:26:06 PM

panthergoddess

Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
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Hmm...

If I go to a club (vanilla dance club) the ratio of "nice guys" as opposed to "horny guys" would be about the same as what you are trying to describe. My issue here is that in a club I have the presence of mind to weed through those the horny guys to find what would be more in line with my match. So why is it different in the D/s world? How is it so many are so quick to offer their gift of submission to those that do not fit their needs?

1. Desparation (need to feel acceptance)
2. Lack of Self understanding (not knowing what their ACTUAL needs are)
3. Ineffective Communication (not being able to articulate exact needs/wants/goal by BOTH parties)
4. Deception (yes there are those on BOTH sides that are intentionally misleading the other on their true nature)

This IS a lifestyle and other than those in the religious community (generally)...everyone else has sex. So why would it be any different in the D/s community. True I do not feel it to be the primary reason for the relationship but that's just me. For others it may very well be.

For ME....this is my LIFE.....there's no way in hades that I would be quick to offer up my gift nor accept someone else's gift (since I'm a Switch) so quickly. There are sample contracts and negotiation processes/interviews etc. for a reason.

I hate to say this but "i've been hurt to many times by that typ of abuse and i'm not a sub who likes abuse i dislike it quiet a bit but the reason i am one is because i don't have enough control nor the personality to be an athority figure to myself" THIS statement sums it all up. You have the inability to control yourself enough to slow down and actually weed through the surface of a person or their intent in order to protect yourself from those who only want the sexual aspect.

Know what YOU want and need within this lifestyle and then actively look for it. If you run into those that you do not wish to have as a Master (if sex is one of your disqualifiers) then by all means discontinue with that one and move on.

(in reply to colonicegirl17)

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RE: Dom's do you want just sex or more than that? - 1/20/2005 12:50:38 PM

Larry862

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Joined: 12/30/2004
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Just sex... while I am sure there are those out there I know in my case its not. I have been a Dom for several years. I care about my sub(s). I drive them to constantly strive to be thier best. To work on things in thier life that could be improved along with thier own bodies, mind etc.. To me it makes a much better sub. I am the person they turn to for my opionons and advice. Yes I have control over many things, and demand it, and yes I do enjoy sex with my sub(s). But not always do I. Hopes this helps answer your question. I also know another Dom that I visit with frequently that operates under the same attitude as I do. So while some Doms may only be in it for the sex, there is also many that its much much more.

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