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Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 8:04:23 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
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A discussion in my local group got me thinking on aftercare. I see between those in an LTR the aftercare at parties and I read here about aftercare practices between those in LTRs.

What about aftercare from casual play? For those who do casual play, do you get aftercare? Do you get it from the Top, or is it another who gives it? Do you discuss it in negotiations before a scene? Does your need for certain types of aftercare vary with the intensity or type of scene you bottom in?

For the Tops/Doms/Masters, do you give aftercare to those you play casually with? Do you discuss aftercare in your negotiations prior to a scene?

For those in LTRs, does the aftercare you receive/give depend on what you did in the scene? Do you have a specific aftercare ritual always done or does it vary?

I know for me what I need in the way of aftercare is dependent on the type and length and intensity of the scene and whether I hit subspace or not and how deep I go into subspace. I get aftercare from the Tops and from others there at the parties. Our group is small and kind of like a family.

Thoughts? Feedback? Opinions?

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Deviant Mind
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RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 8:15:11 AM

carolsea

Posts: 185
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From: North Carolina
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In my experience in realtime BDSM, whether in a LTR, casual play (however that is defined), play at a party, or what have you - aftercare in some form is expected. It may differ with the situation, however. At a party, after a nice spanking or flogging from someone new or even a friend, if it's not an intense scene, maybe a hug and a thank you and "are you ok?" is all that is necessary. With more intense play, if the sub/bottom is a little out of it, the dom/top either does aftercare himself, even if just sitting for awhile cuddled up with the sub until she is back in her normal state of mind, or someone steps in for the aftercare, maybe a friend. In a "public" setting, there's always someone watching, and everyone works together to be sure everyone has what they need - a blanket, a glass of water, cuddle time on the couch or the floor.

I hang around with some good folks, and it's rare that there's not some form of aftercare for the sub. Sometimes the top/dom receives it - water, food, shoulder massage, whatever. In a private setting, though, part of aftercare for me has always been giving the dom pleasure in a special way <wink>. A good spanking or caning makes me wet, yes, and the dom is aroused, as well, ya know?!

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(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 2

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 8:55:43 AM

Noah

Posts: 1660
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

...
I know for me what I need in the way of aftercare is dependent on the type and length and intensity of the scene and whether I hit subspace or not and how deep I go into subspace.
...

Thoughts? Feedback? Opinions?

I don't play casually, in the sense in which I think that term is usually employed, so my comments aren't informed by those sorts of interactions,

That said I should think that the description of aftercare needs which was given in the snippet above would apply quite uniformly, for most people most of the time. I would be interested, actually to hear of cases to which that general description did not apply. I hope this thread inspires some people to share some more personal or particular insights.

I conceive of aftercare as being of a piece with the "care" in a relationship which extends across and throughout any particular interactions. So I'm talking about care that extends from well before to well after some paticular BDSM interaction as well as care which extends, as you might say, "continuously" arching across the whole of the power exchange dynamic and the other relationship dynamics as well.

Please don't take me to say that we shouldn't recognize "play aftercare" as worth special discussion in itself. The small contribution I would offer to the discussion is to notice the location of the subject matter, aftercare, within a sort of web of care.

I don't suggest that there is anything at all original in this observation. I just think it is one thing worth stating explicitly as the conversation begins.

In what ways is aftercare special compared to the other strands in that web? Notions of symmetry and asymmetry between the needs of the top and bottom come to mind.

How does it importantly differ from other sorts of care?

What even counts as aftercare to you, personally?

Is aftercare sometimes employed more simply as a matter of "being responsible" aside from being an expression of personal "caring"? Does someone, in other words, give aftercare primarily because it is "the thing to do" as a responsible person, like voting or paying taxes? Does someone bother with aftercare primarily as a means of safeguarding a reputation and ensureing future opportunities? If so is there anything wrong with this? At first blush I would think that under certain kinds of circumstances this would be an okay approach for a person to have. In that event, though, should there be an announcement that someone is "just doing his job" so as to avoid presumptions on the part of thr recipient of aftercare that it represents soemthing emotionally deeper?

Do you personally think primarily of emotional care or physical care whe you think of aftercare?

In what ways is it more or less the same as other kinds and expressions of care in a relationship--or in the context of a briefer sort of interaction (if that is one way to characterize casual play)? Surely it will be found true that some people need more than others, that what works well for one might be fruitless or even detrimental to another. Hearing about instances like this can help keep us from relying too much upon our personal experiences to date as the unfailing template for how to proceed. Itmight also help certain people avaoid the tendency of assuming that there is something "wrong" with someone who is found to have needs or desires in regard to aftercare which differ widely from one's previous experience.

I'm sure lots of other worthwhile questions can be put in this context.
I'm looking forward to the thoughts, feedback and opinions which Sarijane's post elicits.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 3

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 9:47:24 AM

MysticFireTopaz

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From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
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Interesting topic.

When I am in a long-term relationship, I almost always give aftercare. It is not always in the same form and it does depend on the type and intensity of the scene. Sometimes it is just holding and gently caressing the sub as he comes down from the scene. Sometimes it is just being with him, stroking his hair, and telling him how pleased I am with him.

With casual play, it varies. I have noticed that a certain breed of bottom does not seem to need or want aftercare. I have played with such individuals primarily at a public dungeon. After the scene, they thanked Me for playing with them, then got dressed and cleaned up the play station as I requested. The next thing I knew, they were up and about the dungeon and I had to track them down to find out where they went. A few of them were so abrupt I thought it was kind of rude. It's like they got their fix, didn't need anything else in the way of an emotional connection, and didn't really care of the top needed anything afterwards, either. I have learned through experience that if I directly ask such individuals to do something, such as get Me a drink, or rub My feet or back, they are usually happy to do as requested. Due to their emotional makeup, it does not occur to them naturally to want to connect in any way after the scene is over. With people like them, it's more like I have the aftercare need and they don't, but they will accommodate Me if I directly request it.

Other times, I have been the sole Female Top at an event, and there were dozens of people who wanted to play. I would select a few of them to scene with that evening, and would provide some aftercare after the scene, but it would not be as extensive as if they were the only sub I played with that evening.

I have also played casually with individuals and the aftercare part of the scene was almost as enjoyable as the scene itself. One time, I played with a male sub for what was his very first time. Afterwards, we just sat on the sofa, held hands, gazed into each others eyes, and enjoyed the afterglow. Many times after I have played casually, the sub has gone to get us drinks, then we went on to enjoy a long, interesting conversation. These individuals are a different breed from the ones seeking a quick fix as they genuinely want to have some type of aftercare and emotional connection after play.

When I play with a male sub friend casually at My home, generally I do provide some type of aftercare. For one thing, I am very, very, selective about what sub gets invited to play at My home. The type who wants to flee the scene after gettiing his fix would not get an invitation. While the play is casual, I consider these subs friends and provide some type of aftercare which varies by individual and type of scene.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 4

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 10:42:27 AM

Celeste43

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I don't play casually or in public. I'm not sure if I need less aftercare now than in the beginning or if it is just that I know what I need so I get it ready beforehand. Instead of needing a glass of water brought to me, I bring it into whatever room we're in. Also a blanket, I keep throws on the sofa so he just has to grab it instead of me shivering while he goes to the bedroom. Watered and warmed up, all I need is a little sleep, anywhere between ten minutes and a couple of hours but I can get by with just the ten minutes. After that we normally go out and get something to eat if it's daytime.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)

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RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 1:49:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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This is why I include aftercare discussion in the "pre-talk" BEFORE I play with anyone. Too many people forget than just a few sentences before a scene can avoid so much contention later on.

Each person's aftercare is different, so I don't have a standard for anyone but myself- if I want to top someone, I ask them what they generally need and go from there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 6

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 2:15:06 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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Whether I've done a "meet and beat' or I've played with one of my partners, I always give aftercare. It's part of MY aftercare that I need. If the person doesn't want aftercare (it happens), I find someone else to cuddle with until my own needs are met.

Master Fire

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(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 7

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 4:24:17 PM

diamonddreamlove

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Can not imagine play without aftercare. Emotionally that would put me off from playing with the Dom ever again. The connection would be void and that is one of my own needs that must be agreed upon early in the play planning stage.

diamond

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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

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RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 6:08:57 PM

SweetSarijane

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From: KC area Missouri
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I definitely need aftercare and I too would hesitate to play with a Top who didn't give aftercare. The aftercare I get varies each time. One time I got aftercare from both Tops and the slave of one after a long very intense scene. The slave brought me ice water and talked with me making sure I was ok and the Tops hugged and praised me and thanked me, brought me some sweets to eat and stayed with me as I came partially out of subspace and back to reality. Another time I was hugged, thanked, etc and given an ice massage which was great. There are very few I bottom for and those I do are friends and always there are other friends around and the energy is awesome, the sharing and support.....

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

Post #: 9

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 6:22:14 PM

ThunderousOne

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Joined: 9/23/2006
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i beleive strongly in aftercare, after any scene...it still comes back to the TWO...the Dominant bein me...is responsible for her aftercare after scening...

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 10

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 7:16:47 PM

BrokenDoll

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Joined: 8/15/2006
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Its very simple for me I will not play if after care is not going to be given. A) because I dont think that Dom is a very good Dom if he wont care for someone he just played with (IMO) weather or not they have an real relationship other then just that one play. B) I go into savear sub drop if I dont get some sort of aftercare.. I get depressed and withdrawn it is just how I am... I dont usualy play cassualy though and those I have always knew after care was a must... And really to me unles it was a scene where I was sobbing or needed some sort of attention (such as if I was bleeding from the cane and needed to be cleaned) the only after care I need is cuddling and if a Dom cant provide some cuddle time for me after play he isnt someone I want to be playing with anyhow.

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(in reply to ThunderousOne)

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RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 7:48:41 PM

behindmirrors

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Joined: 8/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

For those in LTRs, does the aftercare you receive/give depend on what you did in the scene? Do you have a specific aftercare ritual always done or does it vary?

Thoughts? Feedback? Opinions?

I definetly need some aftercare after a scene. Even if it's not a particularly "difficult" scene physically or emotionally, I crave the sensation of being close to my Dom after a scene, and feel lost without having some sort of connection. I am fortunate that he always attends to this- even a simple "good girl" and a caress or hug will go a long way in keeping me from feeling isolated after play. I would say that we do have variences in our aftercare, and there is no set "ritual" per se, but each scene is also different and can leave each of us in a different place than any other, so it becomes catered to what we each are feeling in the end.

Certainly I think it is a sign of caring for those you played with, even casually. I see it like this: something very real, important, and even deep has happened, and to share that moment requires a certain amount of care and compassion to not allow either partner to get hurt. That same amount of care and compassion needs to extend to the time just outside of the scene so that it helps ensure no one is damaged or feels neglected- even if that means finding someone else to help with the aftercare if needed.

behindmirrors.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 12

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 8:56:13 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

What about aftercare from casual play? For those who do casual play, do you get aftercare? Do you get it from the Top, or is it another who gives it? Do you discuss it in negotiations before a scene? Does your need for certain types of aftercare vary with the intensity or type of scene you bottom in?

SweetSarijane, I like that your OP explored a number of scenarios. I see a lot of answers/thoughts on aftercare in a relationship, so in contrast, I want to talk a bit about aftercare after "casual" play .

First, some definitions: "Casual" for My purposes means D/s play between persons who are not in an otherwise bonded relationship...MasterFireMaam calls it a "meet n' beat" (which is an expression I'd not heard, and I like)... it may be a Top/bottom friendship, or a "just met and play"...OR:

Back in the day when I was a part owner and sometimes DM at a very nice dungeon, we had certain "technical experts" on hand at most public events. Mind you, we didn't pay them; they were scene regulars. Two notables were a superb piercer/needle player (would you call him a "Needler"?) and a Master of fire play. And both would happily practice their skills on willing subs after a fairly small amount of meeting and negotiation.

Now, whether that is your thing or not, it happened almost every play party with several willing "victims", and one issue that quickly came up was aftercare. I want to stress two things: First, both of these Tops were thoughtful, knowledgeable men, and neither was especially interested in providing aftercare to these willing victims (why that might be could be a long post, indeed. Lets just say they weren't willing). Second, these were NOT lightweight scenes! I don't want a misperception that "casual" means frothy...these were deep D/s physical scenes and the bottoms involved were usually deeply into it. So what the Dungeon owners/masters did informally was create a sort of "aftercare" squad of our own submissives, who would provide traditional D/s aftercare as perceived needed -- cuddling, blankets, water, a bit of sweet fruit...and talk. Often, if the "squad" wasn't invoked, the sub had his/her own friends who provided ac.

So, absolutely there is a need for aftercare, and I believe as absolutely it need not always be done by the Top who did the topping. I am curious if the raft of posts about "I would not submit to a Dom who didn't provide aftercare" are saying "didn't provide it to me HIMSELF", or "didn't arrange for my care"?

And MasterFireMaam, thanks for reminding folks that We Doms need some aftercare after a session, too.

E.

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 9/23/2006 9:00:27 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 13

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 9:03:41 PM

chasteslave808

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I have experienced aftercare with only one or two people. As for the few others...they were just into kink without much understanding of anything else.

With my present dom, he always gives aftercare, but when it is quite intense, and i am a bit stunned by the whole experience, he will hold and caress me until i am calm. Usually takes about 15 minutes to getting to breathing normally and calm my being. Being held by him, soothing words, bring me back from stunned state.

Who could ask for a better Dom. He tries everything on himself first to see what it feels like.

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 14

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 9:21:10 PM

Emperor1956

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Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

chasteslave808: Who could ask for a better Dom. He tries everything on himself first to see what it feels like.

WOW. EVERYTHING? Once again My failings as a Dominant are revealed. I TRIED SO HARD...but I just could NOT succeed in that vaginal fisting. *sigh*

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to chasteslave808)

Post #: 15

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 9:28:19 PM

MistressTexas

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Joined: 5/30/2006
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As a Pro Domme, I have a few clients who want zero aftercare. They like seeing me as a fantasy Domme. who never "steps out" of my role. For that situation, I allow them their "sub drop" and call them the next day as a follow up. Usually only to reassure ,yself, but hey. Other than that, I try my best to give the most comprehensive aftercare I can. That phrase can encompass a whole lotta tihngs. For instance it can involve nothing more than getting the sub some water and keeping them warm. Perhaps some kind words, praise, and discretly checking vitals. For some scenes, the aftercare can last almost as long as the scene itself, if not longer, with bandaging, tucking them into bed, and making sure thy're fed and hydrated. I don't, and never have felt comfortable playing with a sub... especially an intense scene, and then just dropping them to go count my money. I think that particular practice is a bit sick honestly, and no doubt helps to perpetuate the stereotype of careless, money grubbing pro dommes.

(in reply to chasteslave808)

Post #: 16

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 10:02:07 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
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Im dont play casually, so cant say what id need in that situation, but in our relationship, ive noticed that my need for after care has diminished. Initially, we'd cuddle and talk about what we'd been up to. Now? We generally feel great, and just luxuriate in that and get about our day.

If things go a little awry, then we revert to after care. Other than that, not really.
littleone

(in reply to MistressTexas)

Post #: 17

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 10:03:04 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

What about aftercare from casual play? For those who do casual play, do you get aftercare? Do you get it from the Top, or is it another who gives it? Do you discuss it in negotiations before a scene? Does your need for certain types of aftercare vary with the intensity or type of scene you bottom in?

I rarely do casual play... the type of play I do at a casual level is more sensual in nature and avoids pain play. The aftercare in these types of situations is usually mild and is tailored the needs of the bottom. The aftercare is usually given by me and sometimes in conjuction with the bottom's significant partner. For myself in these types of situations I do not require a person to make direct effort to give me aftercare. I get what I want by giving the bottom the aftercare.

quote:

For the Tops/Doms/Masters, do you give aftercare to those you play casually with? Do you discuss aftercare in your negotiations prior to a scene?

see above.. and I don't negotiate. As I said I do casual play rarely. When I do so it is because some has come to me and ask if I would do a specific play with them that they have watched me do. After the play there is a bit of talking to ensure that what they recieved is what they expected and enjoyed. I go thru alittle debriefing to ensure they are ok and that they walk away happy from the experience.

quote:

For those in LTRs, does the aftercare you receive/give depend on what you did in the scene? Do you have a specific aftercare ritual always done or does it vary?

For intense scenes the girls don't get and don't need alot of aftercare as a rule. I find what does require more aftercare is not the intensity of the scene... but the introduction of new experiences. The new aspects tend to be a more significant impact to the girls than the intensity it self. I have no specific ritual... expect that I do go thru a debriefing with the girls the next day with regards to their thoughts and feelings on the play. Immediately, after the scene it is generally just alittle cuddling and a pat on the head for being a good girl.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 18

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 10:13:48 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
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From: Tidewater, VA
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Dear Sarah-

For me, after care is generally just check the breathing, stop the bleeding, treat for shock...

In a causual situition, I might ask her name.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 19

RE: Aftercare in LTR and Casual Play - 9/23/2006 10:48:35 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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FR:

Regarding those tops who "don't do aftercare"- have you ever done a scene with a top who you've explained what aftercare needs you have, agreed to do them, and then ended up not doing them?

Tops aren't mind readers and while to most bottoms "aftercare" means "Snuggle up with me, give me a drink, pat me on the head and tell me how awesome I am for awhile" that's NOT the universal and should not be expected any more than any other activity in a scene.

So unless you've told the other person what to watch for and what you need, and that they have agreed to it, one can't fault the top.

Not to mention, bottoms need to provide aftercare also.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 20

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