Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy?

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Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 9:56:27 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
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My Dom and I have been together long enough to take "inventory". I heard, read, viewed somewhere that couples took "account" periodically. I think it's a good idea.

I love this, but need more of that ... etc. Don't get this, totally get that, etc.

This exercise is beyond normal conversation ... it's an actual exercise that requires thought as to how to improve the relationship.

Does anyone else participate in this ritual?

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

Post #: 1

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 10:07:57 PM

OhReallyNow

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

My Dom and I have been together long enough to take "inventory". I heard, read, viewed somewhere that couples took "account" periodically. I think it's a good idea.

I love this, but need more of that ... etc. Don't get this, totally get that, etc.

This exercise is beyond normal conversation ... it's an actual exercise that requires thought as to how to improve the relationship.

Does anyone else participate in this ritual?

every single day

_____________________________

~ When anger rises, think of the consequences
CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 2

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 10:17:19 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

My Master and I do not have a ritual, per se, but we try to talk about things daily and keep a constant check on the relationship and all. We talk very openly and candidly about specific "Please do this..." or "Can you put (fill in blank) there when we ..." or "It's uncomfortable when you put your..."

It has made things nice and keeps the ideas fresh and the misunderstandings limited. The one big talk we had was about how "omissions and partial truths are 100% lies." It was a great discussion and keeps us on the same page. I am totally for honesty and truthfulness. As I have told many people, I can handle any truth... but I cannot tolerate a lie...

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 3

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 10:56:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Absolutely. I'm personally very good at keeping mental checklists, so I know every few weeks or months to bring up long standing issues to make sure we're on the right track and daily issues are taken care of as the days go by.

And my older partners Jewish guilt is what keeps his issues fresh :) Happy Rosh Hoshashanah to y'all btw.

Honstly truly is the best policy. We like to talk about how we're all so strong and smart- well if we're really like that, what reason would we have to lie?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 4

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 10:57:39 PM

Irishblu

Posts: 61
Status: offline

To me, if you can't be honest, why bother? How can you have a relationship built on lies or half truths? If you know something you will say might cause their feelings to be hurt, just choose your words carefully. Being honest doesn't mean being rude or brash. There is nothing you cannot tell me that I would be angry about if it is the truth, but lie to me about it, I won't tolerate it.

While in a relationship it is something I did often. Keeps things on the table and open for discussion. Kinda of like relationship maintenance.

< Message edited by Irishblu -- 9/23/2006 10:59:32 PM >

_____________________________

Be safe and be well,
irishblu

"For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice--no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service." -John Burroughs

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 5

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 11:15:49 PM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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I tell him my thoughts, feelings, struggles, joys daily. He tells me when he deems appropriate. If he likes what I'm doing, I know it. If he doesn't, I know it. He doesn't allow room for things to fester. I am required to tell him everything, even if I think he won't like it.

Psst...DaddysRedhead - good to see you!

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 6

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 11:38:11 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Not as of yet, but I would not mind doing something like that because we often have things cross our minds and never air them. I know from my perspective that there are things I keep inside and boil to the surface because I am still used to the vanilla way relationships work. D/s is not the only relationship structure that needs honest, all relationships need it... it just becomes glaringly obvious more quickly when communication and honesty are lacking. Instead of going on for years like this, most D/s couples in my opinion won't

It gives you time to discuss how needs are changing and evolving over time also... kudos, it sounds like a great ritual!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 7

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/23/2006 11:52:39 PM

gentlethistle

Posts: 186
Joined: 10/28/2005
Status: offline

I think Daddysredhead has mentioned a really good point about 'lies of omission'. Personally, I don't think that these are necessarily a dishonesty at first...but I do think they become one over time so easily. To think 'I won't tell him/her that right now, and anyway, I haven't been directly asked...' It's almost axiomatic that if you've made a deliberate decision to omit it from sharing then it probably is a material fact!

I think there is also a difficulty from the sub side of the equation. Because when I was in a relationship with a dom there was a requirement on me to communicate to him certain information...things about my day, not even heavy relationship stuff...but it meant that he knew what activities I had on and something of the pressures on my day. But there was no converse requirement on him to reciprocate this. Although, in fact, when things were working well these sorts of things were very much shared, I found out about when he was busy and what was on his mind. When I stopped knowing about those things I found that I was just communicating into a black hole and didn't know any of the parameters to navigate out of it.

I think that the review ritual that babysburnin suggests sounds like a really good idea. Probably for those who like rituals this would work as a very formal time-out, maybe where dom and sub agree to be on an equal footing to negotiate as they might prior to a relationship. Maybe for some that would seem excessively stagey, or not be suitable for their dynamic. But the problem is, (in my experience anyway, ignore the generalisation if it sounds like nonsense to you)...it can be difficult for a sub to initiate something like that without seeming to top from the bottom...to start asking for this or that discussion. So the onus probably has to be on the dom to instigate such discussions or it probably won't happen. Then lies of omission build up where neither party knows how the other truly feels about the relationship and dynamic.

Laura

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 8

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 12:22:32 AM

babysburnin

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Joined: 2/16/2006
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Happy New Year! (My LOVE is Jewish) ...

I didn't mean lying ,,, I meant, when you are sooo close to someone, where do you draw the line? HE is like family ... this is new to me. I never lie to him. He's already SOOO in, but..... and it's the "but" that concerns me.

< Message edited by babysburnin -- 9/24/2006 12:40:15 AM >

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 12:37:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin
Happy New Year! (My LOVE is Jewish) ...

LOL mine's a lapsed Jew- I reminded him about it twice this week and he still forgot when his father called on Friday.

But he still retains all the guilt.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 10

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 12:46:37 AM

babysburnin

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Joined: 2/16/2006
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It's all good LA.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 7:40:33 AM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

we constantly are assessing our dynamic. it seems to be the major topic of discussion in private. i've assumed its because we're still learning. i believe knowledge is power. its another way for our power exchange to take place; by givng Him the knowledge of what i think and feel about our lifestyle i give Him power to direct our relationship effectively.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 12

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 5:04:33 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

Most evenings before we go to bed he will sit in his big leather chair and I at his feet as we go over our day. He will ask me questions like when I felt my most submissive, when I felt my most difficulty during the day. We talk about our feelings, our schedules, what we need or want to accomplish. It's a time to focus on us and get our heads and hearts on track if needed.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 13

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/24/2006 9:18:27 PM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

My Dom and I have been together long enough to take "inventory". I heard, read, viewed somewhere that couples took "account" periodically. I think it's a good idea.

I love this, but need more of that ... etc. Don't get this, totally get that, etc.

This exercise is beyond normal conversation ... it's an actual exercise that requires thought as to how to improve the relationship.

Does anyone else participate in this ritual?

Honesty in relationships is important to most people. Personally, I try to avoid even small lies. But there are a million times in every relationship, both intimate and casual, when "white" lies preserve the other person's feelings or make life run more smoothly. When someone asks "Does this make me look fat?" "how do you like the pie I baked?" or "Did anyone talk about me after I left?" it's better to lie if it preseves someone's feelings. What would be the point in telling the truth in these cases?

As for taking stock/communication in a relationship, it's a great practice as long as things stay productive.

Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 14

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/25/2006 5:18:24 AM

deltadawn

Posts: 224
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

We talk daily. If things are bothering either of us they are worked out before either of us gets to bed. There is no set time to do so, no time not to do so either. Honesty is always the right way. Open communication is an absolute must in this house.

dawn

_____________________________

Beneath his wings, I can fly.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 15

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/25/2006 7:49:55 AM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Nope, no ritual here.

Our relationship is surprisingly casual and informal. gretchen dislikes just about anything ritualistic and overly formal, so most of our conversations relating to our goals, needs, and 'state of the union' are done leaning against a wall with a cup of coffee in my hand. We've done the checklist thing once, early on, but at this stage it would feel a little irrelavent. I pretty much know what she enjoys, she knows pretty much what I like, and if there's something we want to explore or try, we don't consult our lawyers and get a notarized contract first.

This isn't to say there's anything wrong at all with making it a ritual or formal type of discussion. It's just one of many ways to communicate, and the communication dynamic is extremely personal and unique to each relationship.

On a side note, I would suggest it's extremely unrealistic to expect communication alone to fix any shortcomings. Something I've noticed on occasion, especially in younger relationships, is the expectation that the partner has an obligation to fulfill every expectation. For example, a common sticky point in BDSM is the topic of playing with other people. If one person has poly interests, and the other person is strictly monogamous, both might have an expectation that the other cannot fulfill. Both might feel frustrated, and neither should feel wrong for their desire. The Politically Correct answer here would be such a couple cannot expect to survive, but in reality we all know there is something our partners want that we can't give them (and they desire something that is a hard limit/impossible/unacceptable.) Open and honest communication can identify this gap, but will never solve it. Finding some middle ground is difficult, and usually there will be a compromise on someone's part. Constantly addressing this issue will only cause it to become worse, never better.

In short, talk when you need to, how you need to. When you've dealt with an issue, leave it be unless you really need it 'fixed' again.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to deltadawn)

Post #: 16

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/25/2006 7:29:23 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
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I definitely do this.

I can actually do it too much -- talk something to death and not give things a chance to evolve and happen. But I think you absolutely need to do this, in all types of relationships.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 17

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/26/2006 7:38:10 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita

Most evenings before we go to bed he will sit in his big leather chair and I at his feet as we go over our day. He will ask me questions like when I felt my most submissive, when I felt my most difficulty during the day. We talk about our feelings, our schedules, what we need or want to accomplish. It's a time to focus on us and get our heads and hearts on track if needed.

Hi Pita!...when I read this I thought to myself, if someone asked me these questions I simply would not know how to respond...I mean I would seek deep inside myself, but honestly ,as I go about my day, as I would expect to do so even if in a relationship..I simply would have no answer..except to say it was a day like most any other....ach! sometimes I get soo confuffulled...

..Tempting

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 18

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/26/2006 10:00:57 PM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

We take stock when He deems it necessary, though we talk about important "stuff" everyday. Sir is *very* in tune with my moods and actions and does not hesitate to ask if He thinks something is not right. We do a formal "inventory" on occasion, but have only done so maybe 1 or 2 times since we got together. All in all, we are in pretty good shape.

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 19

RE: Is Honesty TRUELY the Best Policy? - 9/27/2006 7:54:20 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

My Dom and I have been together long enough to take "inventory". I heard, read, viewed somewhere that couples took "account" periodically. I think it's a good idea.

I love this, but need more of that ... etc. Don't get this, totally get that, etc.

This exercise is beyond normal conversation ... it's an actual exercise that requires thought as to how to improve the relationship.

Does anyone else participate in this ritual?

That is something the man I'm involved with as well as myself believe very strongly in. Open, honest communication and periodic reevaluation of things in the relationship and where any needed/desired changes can/will be made. I think that is very important in helping the relationship to grow and flourish.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 20

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