RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (Full Version)

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subtlenuance -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 10:41:12 AM)
I first want to thank all of you who replied and shared your insights. I appreciate being able to get out of my own head and find some objectivity. I should have mentioned that this is not an online relationship. It's r/t and not something I entered into lightly. When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a**? This sub's little head is spinning. I know one thing for certain, the advice and suggestions you all have shared are most likely the same I'd give to a friend in a similar situation. Thanks again everyone.

LotusSong -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 10:54:47 AM)
General statement to ponder: Some people use D/s BDSM as a lifestyle, while others use it as an "excuse"

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 11:32:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlenuance I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreed upon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul. Thank you. I question how it is that you came about this information? Did he tell you about the accounts or did you find them on his computer? Unlike my fellow posters on this thread, I do not believe that ends justifies the means. I agree that the trust in the relationship is most likely irreparable. I just don't think it's for the reasons that people are being lead to believe and would rather ask questions then light a torch with all the other villagers.

CrappyDom -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 11:34:25 AM)
People who have multiple accounts are best avoided, it is about as big a red flag as there is, the only one bigger is bits and peices of ex lovers stored in the freezer.

subtlenuance -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 12:16:28 PM)
I found the accounts and subtlely let him know that I did. When I did that he admitted everything to me.

wild1cfl -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 1:40:42 PM)
In my humble opinion this relationship is not irrepairable. He has confessed to you and agrees to let you know if he has these feelings again. Because you have time invested as well as your emotions you wnt to try and make it work. Hopefully he wants to ry and do the same. You will know soon enough.Do not blindly accept his willingness to change, keep him on his toes, let him know that you are watching everything that he is doing and that the reason you are is because he has already abised your trust. Eventually he will either give up or he will realize how he hurt you and your relationship and he will decide to giveyou the respect you deserve in the relationship.

gretchenS -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 2:09:24 PM)
Steve (Voltare) here, So, there's a few issues here. Amayos is pretty on target, the desire for men to seek out more than one female is genetically hardwired. However, so is our instinct to kill when we are angry, and take whatever we desire. Murder and theft may be our natures, but they don't make for a very functional society. Many people consider the desire for multiple partners or romance a 'need.' Personally, I don't. It ranks up there with a desire to smoke, drink beer, have sex, or listen to country music. All of these activities can be addictive, and a person with these addictions might feel these are 'necessities' but clearly they are not. Necessities are eating, sleeping, shelter, medical care, and appropriate clothing for the weather. Failing to care for these needs will result in death. Smoking, alcohol, sex, or music may make life more enjoyable, but are hardly a requirement. So, if sex is not a need, than it must be addressed as a desire, just like any other desire. Now, we all make mistakes - it's only part of being human. When we hurt those we love, it can really make life difficult, and the importance of trust (and the difficulty of repairing it) has already been addressed. It's up to you to decide if you wish to continue the relationship or not, but keep in mind that if you really have a hard time seeing yourself fully trusting again, you would do both yourself and your Dom a favor by brining the relationship to an end. I don't think the issue of his seeking other subs is nearly as alarming as the fact that (as you mentioned) lied numerous times about his own well being. Odds are that he wasn't just lying to you, but to himself about how he feels. This sort of self-denial can be linked to poor self-esteem, depression, or other psychological problems, and isn't likely to go away overnight. The seeking of other relationships probably has nothing to do with a desire for more than one sub, but more likely to be linked to a desire to escape his real life situation, by living out fantasy relationships online. The chatting and emails with other subs might never have resulted in a real life encounter, as he was likely seeking only virtual interaction to replace an unfulfilling life. This doesn't mean there is anything at all wrong with you as a person, submissive, or lover, but reflects deeper issues that he seems unwilling to confront. Or, maybe he's just a Horney Net Geek, and can't help himself. [:-] Obviously, we're grasping at straws, because you don't really tell us anything about him. Anyway, best of luck to you, no matter what you choose. Stephan & gretchen

MagiksSlave -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 2:47:16 PM)
I dont know I wouldnt advise going back to him because while people are focusing on the dishonesty he did more then that... He went back on what he promised you changeing the rules in the middle he was dishonest by getting a new acount dishonest about how he felt in not telling you he wanted to look for another even though you had said you wanted him too... I dont know, i trust my Master with my life we have no limits part of that trust is because he has never ever lied to me not even about the silliest of things and he expects the same from me, I could not trust Master to do what he does to my body if he did what you Master did to you. There is a need for trust in all relationships but in BDSM it is extra importent. You deserve better and he well I wouldnt even call him a Dom to tell you the truth but he deserves what he gets!!! If he lied about this who knows what els he isnt beeing honest about.. while he "Came clean" when you confrunted him I doubt he ever would have been honest about it if you hadnt found it out.. I mean yeah sure he came clean what els could he do add more lies you arent stupid comeing clean was the best way out for him as you had found his new accounts... You said he has been doing this through your entire relationship (if I read correctly) That means he has NEVER been honest with you!!! I dont know but you know whaat they say. If it walks like a duck......... Magik's slave

Frank01 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 3:18:54 PM)
It's a "horn dog" quality, not a Dominant one.

MASTERRocker -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 3:23:43 PM)
Oftentimes it is not about the 'pursuit'; but more of family rendering. You start out with one very good slave ; and overtime she tells friends, co-workers etc.. and it builds. It is her enthusiasm and participation to share what she has discovered and enjoying that forms a network.....

innatedesire -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 3:29:25 PM)
I am so sorry! How awful to deal with a death and then this on top of it all. I know many will say leave but listen to your gut. Always trust your instincts, if you feel this can be worked out then do so. If you feel that you will always be wondering if he is being honest with you then perhaps it is time to do some soul searching, only you will know what is right for you but no matter what your decision you can always look here for support as everyone here seems to do a wonderful job of that!!! I agree with everyone that lifestyle preferances has nothing to do with it..........A lie is a lie is a lie and that is never a good thing, unfortunately for those that are not honest I do not think they stop to think about how devastating a lie is to a relationship.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 4:39:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlenuance I found the accounts and subtlely let him know that I did. When I did that he admitted everything to me. I presume you found them on his computer. I say your best bet is to just split with for a couple of reasons that you have stated. He seems desperate to hang on to you. In being such, the dynamic has reversed (if he ever really was in control) making you the dominant. To me, and this is just me, that is a weakness and you are exploiting it if you continue as many others advise. You "found" these accounts on his computer. This implies you were looking through his computer, making you no better then he on the trust issue. I truely don't see this ending well if you continue it. Like Steve (Voltare) has stated, you should end this relationship for both your sakes.

Invictus754 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 5:12:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlenuance I first want to thank all of you who replied and shared your insights. I appreciate being able to get out of my own head and find some objectivity. I should have mentioned that this is not an online relationship. It's r/t and not something I entered into lightly. When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a*? This sub's little head is spinning. I know one thing for certain, the advice and suggestions you all have shared are most likely the same I'd give to a friend in a similar situation. Thanks again everyone. you have been given the one chance to make everything work for both of you. That is important enough that I wish to repeat it: you have been given the one chance to make everything work for both of you. First - you are one in a million. Why? How many women - 'nilla or lifestyle - will give a man the opportunity to look for others, while smiling and holding his hand for encouragement even if his fulfillment does not include you? And because of this, how many men will really believe that it is true? Yes, he crossed the line but I think that it may be because the truth is so far from what is normally encountered he just can't believe it. How many men get poked, chided or yelled at for just LOOKING at another woman...but you are telling him that as long as he tells you about it, you are ok with it? Almost everything he encounters daily tells him otherwise. (And all the condemning remarks here prove my point.) So, back to my first statement. Focus on what you said - "...[ I ] have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me." You now have the golden opportunity to show him you meant this - if you truly did. I was told the same thing once, only to be met with tears and screaming when I said that I would like to look elsewhere to have a need fulfilled that was lying dormant. Maybe if I had done it in the first months of the relationship, it would have been different - maybe I waited too long and the offer expired? Anyway, everything points to the fact that your offer was TGTBT (too good to be true). Show him it was what you meant, and you will most likely be rewarded for life. In the event that he breaks your trust again, then* you kick his ass to the curb. But don't listen to most of this 'get rid of him' stuff. you can always stop the relationship...but you only have this one chance to make sure it was the right decision to end it. IMHO, Invictus

MistressSassy66 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 5:24:59 PM)
slave bishop(lives in) is the only slave I have.I would like to add a 'worm' slave at some point,but for now I have what works. I do however have the need to have multiple submissives(dont live in). Its like the potato chips one is never enough....

Lordandmaster -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 6:22:15 PM)
If you love him, give him another chance, but, honestly, I think the dynamic between you two is destroyed forever. Making a mistake is one thing--everyone makes mistakes--but the image of a dom begging his sub for a second chance strikes me as one of those beyond-repair situations. quote: ORIGINAL: subtlenuance When confronted, he asked for forgiveness and a second chance, assuring me it wouldn't happen again and if he felt the need to seek others he would tell me first. I am on the fence, for different reasons. I really care for this person and what flows between us. Am I naive and ignorant if I choose to believe in him? Do I have my head up my a**?

xxblushesxx -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 7:11:38 PM)
I highly recommend an extended break. You have just buried a family member, and therefore, may not be thinking as clearly as you normally would. You are needier than normal. He violated your trust. When you're at a family member's funereal. When imnsho, his place was at your side giving support and comfort. My Master says that a master who is deceitful, doesn't deserve a slave's trust. You are at a vulnerable time in your life, and I think time and distance would be best for you. Either for you to find that both of you have learned and grown from this experience, or possibly only one of you has...[:-] It's sometimes difficult to see something given too close proximity to it...(can't see the forrest for the trees and all that) As far as having fantasies about having others...I believe many (if not most) people do. I judge a man by what he does...not what he dreams of... Hugs and hope to you; ~Christina

JerseyKrissi72 -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 8:03:32 PM)
If someone can't be honest then you are much better off without them.......with me, if you break my trust~ i'll hand ya your walking papers. plain and simple.

Kaledorus -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 10:31:51 PM)
quote: I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. That is what one would expect in a submissive. I think that even in the case of slaves, it is the Master's responsibility to always conduct himself with honor and with straightforwardness. There is no need to skulk about like a teenager behind mommy's back, a genuine Dominant man does what he wants and clearly lets his property know that he is looking for additional slaves or submissives whatever. I think trust is important, vital, and I ask myself why would a genuine Dominant man feel a need to hide his intentions or be devious, if he really owns a woman, in the case of a slave it would be a self-evident fact that he may do as he sees fit, in the case of a submissive he would know her well enough, one should hope, that he can access her mind and heart to know whether she is ready or able for adding another woman to the household. There is absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy or having multiple slaves, submissives, what is wrong is being a sneak about it. A genuine dominant man would not conduct himself in that matter. I don't wish to be hurtful here or harsh but this is my opinion and my experience. I wish you well.

MagiksSlave -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/25/2006 10:46:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kaledorus quote: I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. That is what one would expect in a submissive. I think that even in the case of slaves, it is the Master's responsibility to always conduct himself with honor and with straightforwardness. There is no need to skulk about like a teenager behind mommy's back, a genuine Dominant man does what he wants and clearly lets his property know that he is looking for additional slaves or submissives whatever. I think trust is important, vital, and I ask myself why would a genuine Dominant man feel a need to hide his intentions or be devious, if he really owns a woman, in the case of a slave it would be a self-evident fact that he may do as he sees fit, in the case of a submissive he would know her well enough, one should hope, that he can access her mind and heart to know whether she is ready or able for adding another woman to the household. There is absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy or having multiple slaves, submissives, what is wrong is being a sneak about it. A genuine dominant man would not conduct himself in that matter. I don't wish to be hurtful here or harsh but this is my opinion and my experience. I wish you well. ok lemme just say even if this is not the case here... While it may be masters porogative to do as he wishes slave or no slave if that Master goes against what the original agreement that was made when collard then the slave is no longer his slave their agreement null and void and she may walk... So iffin he said at the begining this is a monogomouse relationship he indeed has no right to then seek others. Magik's slave

NastyDaddy -> RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need? (9/26/2006 12:09:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlenuance I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreed upon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul. Thank you. Unless his correspondences with others informed them you are his sub, then his lies/omissions are not only towards you. What do lies/ommissions have to do with dominance? Regarding a dominant tendency to want multiple subs... it's not pre-packaged and varies widely with the participants on both sides of their dynamic... some do some don't, yet it remains a very common and often shared fantasy.

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