Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is the pursuit and challenge a constant need?

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Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? Is t... - 9/24/2006 9:27:43 PM

subtlenuance

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline

I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreed upon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul.
Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 9:32:25 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I think it's generally a male tendency to want multiple females, and doms are sometimes less bashful about it than vanillas because they feel that they don't have to conform to society's norms. I'd say I fit into that category myself. Of course there are exceptions, but I think most males would take more than one female if they didn't have to face any stigma or repercussions.

That said, I would also be upset in your situation, because if a dom is going to pursue more than one sub, the first rule is that he has to be honest to everyone involved--to you, to the other girl (or girls), and, above all, to himself. If he is hiding this from you, that is not a very good beginning and makes me think he isn't even sure of what he's doing.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 9:34:41 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I dont particularly think it is a dominant quality. There are many of us that have found the one we are happy with, and have kept it to just them. There are also quite a few that are perfectly happy in larger D/s families, and poly households. Like every other "Do Dom/mes like" question , its a matter of personal views.
I think there is a problem that is a lot bigger than whether or not as a Dom, your Master wants others. The problem, from what you post, is more of a trust issue than anything else. Had he told you from the get go that there was a posibility that he would want others things would be different. While Doms dont tend to need to report to their subs about things they are doing, but if he agreed to monogamy, he should at least tell you THAT has changed. He doesnt need your permision to seek others, but common courtesy would dictate he at least let you know he had chosen to look.

My opinion, of course
DV

<<edited because I cant spell for my life lately>>

< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 9/24/2006 9:36:30 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 9:52:46 PM

SpoiledDomme4you

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline

I have been on the search for another to join me for the last 3 years. Before pursuing this I talked with my alpha for quite a while to make sure that he would be okay with it as his feelings and security do matter to me. I would never have done this without his being comfortable and stable with it. As in any relationship, without trust and honesty you have nothing. This is only my opinion. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

"There's MY side....and the WRONG side....which one do you want to be on???"

"Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!"

I am The Princess...

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 10:05:03 PM

MistressTaboo

Posts: 147
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline

I think the most important issue is HONESTY….he hasn’t been honest with you. He’s been lying to you from the start. Vanilla or BDSM that’s the most important issue.

I told my husband when we met…upfront and honest. I’ve never remained faithful to any boyfriend. Don’t expect or demand it…Lucky for me he came with a cuckolding fantasy. I believe his response was “Can I watch?” And for years we never ventured down that path because it wasn’t forbidden fruit. I didn’t have any desire to. Many people cheat or cruise for others because they have been told they can’t.

But ask yourself this…if this was a vanilla relationship…would you kick his ass to the curb? If yes…than do it!
But how can you trust him with your BDSM life if he can’t be honest in the most basic of thing?

Mistress Taboo

_____________________________

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed" Meredith Brooks

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 10:14:13 PM

SpoiledDomme4you

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressTaboo

I think the most important issue is HONESTY….he hasn’t been honest with you. He’s been lying to you from the start. Vanilla or BDSM that’s the most important issue.

I told my husband when we met…upfront and honest. I’ve never remained faithful to any boyfriend. Don’t expect or demand it…Lucky for me he came with a cuckolding fantasy. I believe his response was “Can I watch?” And for years we never ventured down that path because it wasn’t forbidden fruit. I didn’t have any desire to. Many people cheat or cruise for others because they have been told they can’t.

But ask yourself this…if this was a vanilla relationship…would you kick his ass to the curb? If yes…than do it!
But how can you trust him with your BDSM life if he can’t be honest in the most basic of thing?

Mistress Taboo

I agree with you 100%. If she can't trust him to be honest with something so basic how in the world can she trust him to handle her in this lifestyle we choose to live. The number one rule that I live my life by and expect from those that serve me...open and honest at all times, you lie you are done...no excuses for it or exceptions to it.

_____________________________

"There's MY side....and the WRONG side....which one do you want to be on???"

"Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!"

I am The Princess...

(in reply to MistressTaboo)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 10:17:03 PM

Kashan

Posts: 51
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

I think it's a natural male drve to want many women. However, I am a romantic who think one should be enough, if he/she is the right one. I think you need to discuss what it is you are looking for/wanting and make sure it is also what he wants or move on.

_____________________________

"Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something." ~the Man in Black

(in reply to MistressTaboo)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 10:21:10 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I think the fact that he lied to you is what you should be focusing on. Some people can't be trusted, and obviously he is one of them. It hurts, but you will eventually understand that you are better off without him.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 10:34:55 PM

wild1cfl

Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

From my perspective you have a right to be upset with this person. It is not about wanting to play with others and it is not about changing needs in a relationship. It is about honesty with each other, truthfulness and respect for each other. When my wife and I were first dating I knew that I would need to divulge my interests to her about BDSM. This was important to do from the start, fortunately when I divulge my interests about it she also divulged her interests in it so it worked out well for both of us. We have over time discussed other issues about our play and our relationships with other people. We decided after getting married that we wanted children together so we knew we would have to be exclusive with each other as far as sexual contact at that time. This was talked about and agreed upon with each other and out of respect for each others feelings. This is where your relationship has been hurt because the trust has been broken and it sounds as if it is a continual thing. I think it would be time for you to move on.

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 11:45:11 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

My Dom also wants others but does not change His name nor does He misrepresent Himself to me. I understand His need although i hate it with a passion. Because of His need i may one day find another and or He may find the one that completes Him beyond all else. Is a chance that i take to remainin our reltionship but also one that takes constant work. Good luck in making your decision and sticking with it.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to wild1cfl)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/24/2006 11:47:53 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

"Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. "

I am a firm believer in the need for trust especially in a power exchange relationship. If you cannot rebuild your trust in him how can you submit to him?

It will be painful but you know the decision you need to make, you need to do what is best for you.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to wild1cfl)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 2:51:00 AM

ayasha

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline

He lied to you by omission each time he opened a new account, each time he communicated with a person on any of those accounts. He has proven to you that you are not safe, secure, or protected by him. Of course he was completely happy - he had you, and he had them.

You deserve better than this, and you will not get better than this from him. His actions have spoken more loudly than his words - now you have to decide what you are going to do about it. Of course one can't help but give her opinion - and that is to end all contact with him, spend time healing, and then move on. Best wishes to you...............and don't give up - there ARE good Dominants that would never consider treating you this way.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 5:25:43 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

Some guys cheat after promising monogamous relationships. This has nothing to do with dominance.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 6:03:52 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear subtlenuance, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Dominants have drummed to submissives for as long as I can remember, how submissive/slave/servants be honest, hide nothing and hide in the light per se.

Yet, I've seen so many dominants violate their own preachings. That is what makes it so tragic, as trust is betrayed and the worst thing in this lifestyle to happen is trust shattered or lost. We (in general) depend on trust as to go through scenes and or relationships.

As for me personally, I advise all those inquiring about a position as a slave, that I want a 'leather family' that will have more than one slave in it. I also put up front that I do love to teach others, so there may be a time where a slave will come into the household to experience the lifestyle in a home setting. Although content to have one quality slave at my age, I have had a few at a time. It just makes it easier to divide up household chores, get them done and more time for them.
I have been lucky to have slaves who worked shift work, so they didn't stumble on top of everybody at the same time. In summary, in my mind's eye, dominants need to put all the possible scenerios of multiple slave/submissive/servant ventures in the future on the table, as to permit a considering slave/submissive know that they may not be the only one and or under what circumstances there will be others.

In my mind's eye, regardless if dominant or submissive, if there is a cheater in the relationship, there will be more down the road despite the promises never to cheat again. Dr. Phil's show has demonstrated that to me. So has life's experiences. So, I end the relationship.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 6:13:25 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I would be less concerned with whether this is a natural tendency & more concerned with his inability to keep his word with you.

By asking this it is almost like your trying to assume some sort of blame or responsibility in his sneaking around.

But as an answer to this being a natural tendency... I think many experienced dominants realize that it is nearly impossible to find ONE submissive that can cover every facet of what you seek in a submissive/bottom/partner/spouse/lover/"____". I know this to be true for me & I know this to be true of many other dominants I have known over the years. Being open to having more than one in service to us doesn't (well, shouldn't) diminish our level of satisfaction with what our sub can fulfill in his/her surrender to us.

I'll use myself as an example. I adore my submissive. I wouldn't change having her in my life for anything in the world. She is able to fulfill me in most every way except 2 ways... she isn't able to satisfy any urge I may have for physical sex with a man & she is not able to engage in a heavy scene. This was two things that I knew I may have need of before going into this relationship so it was discussed prior to our pursuit of a committed relationship. So ideally I may wish to have a fully functional male sub that can take a beating... to date I haven't felt an urge to scratch this so I haven't looked for anyone but the deal is this... I was honest about this upfront.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 6:29:22 AM

wild1cfl

Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

Some guys cheat after promising monogamous relationships. This has nothing to do with dominance.

I so agree with this, this has nothing to do with Dominance or with the BDSM lifestyle. It has to do with respecting your partner in whatever type of relationship you are in.

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 7:33:56 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

For me, it's not a Dominant tendency, it's simply that some people are wired this way. However, you have to admit the theme is highly present in het porn, which influences many het men when it comes to sexual fantasy...and this is what Ds is about for many: the fulfilment of sexual fantasy.

In the end, we cannot tell you WHY someone does anything. And, you cannot expect him to change (as change is hard and thus unlikely). His actions stem from "his stuff", meaning from his psychological influences (perhaps he's just unwilling to admit, due to societal contraints, that he really IS poly...or perhaps for some perverse reason, he enjoys inflicting emotional pain on people, including you and probably himself). The only thing you have control over is how you react to the affects his stuff has on you. You now have to decide if are you willing to be poly in order to salvage the relationship. Are you willing to put aside your hurt and allow him to openly pursue other people? I don't recommend doing it if you really and truly don't want to be poly. If you're not, you face being hurt again and again if you stay. Or, you can decide that, while being poly might be ok for him, it's not ok for you and leave. You can love him unconditionally, but still realize that you don't have to accept how his stuff affects you and back away. As LA has said, there is such a thing as unconditional love; there is no such a thing as an unconditional relationship. (I love that quote...I put it in my manual, with reference to LA) The condition that you might need to have isn't that he be monogomous, but that he be HONEST about what it is that he's doing.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 8:46:12 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

I agree with what everyone has said so far. It's not a dominant trait but one that depends on the person. SOme are wired that way. The concern should be the lack of honesty in how it all came about. I do understand that where someone starts off might not be where they end up. He may have had every intention at the onset of your relationship to be monogamous. With time, his desires may have changed. However, this should have been addressed and you should have had the opportunity to accept it or not (and the consequences for either decision). To do so in a way that was sneaky and underhanded does both you and any potential additional partners a grave disservice.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 9:00:52 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlenuance

I never thought I would be posting something like this, but my need to understand outweighs my my pride and how humiliating this is. I have recently discovered that my Master has rewarded my devotion and commitment to him and our relationship, with multiple Collarme accounts and personas, seeking subs and sub couples. Apparently this has been ongoing, during the entire relationship. We were mutually monogamous and exclusive; something we were both seeking when we met and agreedupon when we committed to one another. I am a genuine, sincere, kind and gentle soul, and have often encouraged him to be candid with me if he needed or wanted more, something or someone different, and I would support him, regardless of whether or not his needs included me. Not an easy thing to offer, but I care that much. All I asked for in return is complete honesty. He consistently reassured me I was safe, secure and protected by him, and that he was completely happy. Needless to say, my trust has been shattered. I returned from a week away, after a death in the family, to find my Master had used that time to create another CM account in pursuit of others. I realize that this may seem ridiculous, naive and inconsequential to some. However, this was my first significant relationship as a result of joining CM, and it has really shaken me. If anyone can share an objective and helpful insight or perspective, I would appreciate it. Please be assured my question about this possibly being a Dominant tendency isn't intended to be offensive or disrespectul.
Thank you.

I believe it is inherent in humans—particularly males— to actively increase their reproductive fitness through multiple sexual access. Though our thinking desire may not be to reproduce, the animal desire to do so remains.

By natural impulses alone, males so often seem inclined toward harem building. Knowing this, I have always sought to be completely honest, open and direct with any female I share Master and slave relations with. She is made to understand and accept that she may be one among others in a select circle. If she cannot accept this, she is dismissed.

I believe males (and females) often lie about their sexual multiplicity or tendencies for it out of fear of loosing a prized acquisition. While this does seem somewhat understandable, I have always felt that fear of being honest isn't a particularly dominant trait; it is in fact the poison apple of dominance, just as secret resentments are.

I remain honest of my nature always, and that is why my circle is very small. I have often mused upon how my circle would be much larger if I were willing to feed others comforting lies. I bide my time and make an art of selecting those rare jewels which, in being possessed, do not attempt to possess, in turn.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it a Dominant tendency, to want multiple subs? ... - 9/25/2006 9:02:25 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

I can guarantee you.. when confronted he will say "awwwwwwwwwwwwwww this is supposed to be FUN!" Is this totally on-line domination or have you two actually met in the flesh?

It is my opinion not to expect that ON-LINE domination will be taken serious at all until proved otherwise. Online is great for information, but it is the playground of the mind.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to subtlenuance)

Post #: 20

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