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Severian -> Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:02:11 PM)

Greetings all!

I have had a somewhat unpleasant first experience here and would appreciate some input from others on this site.

I contacted a potential sub and quickly moved from e-mail to phone. Things were going well and we had a meeting planned for later in the week. However, I started feeling some animosity coming from her and our conversations left me feeling... off. On our last conversation I had wanted to ask her about some point we had discussed earlier and she starts telling me that she was out on a date with another Dom and that it didn't go well. Now I do understand that people will date multiple people at once but telling me about it made me feel very unpleasant. I decided to end the contact. Now I think I might have acted to hastily, unfortunately too late for this situation.

How would you react to a potential sub telling you the reason they weren't there to take your call was because they were on a date?



Milivoje -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:07:31 PM)

My reaction: Bye.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:12:12 PM)

Personally, I would have broken off contact as well. It is one thing to be unavailable, my boy sometiems has things come up at school or work that mean he cannot take a call. However, when we were at the point where we were talking on the phone and considering meetings, the simple idea that he was even talking to another Domme without my express permission woud have been enough for me todismiss him. Having gone out with one... definately not.

DV



MistressTaboo -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:14:27 PM)

Did you both say you wouldn't date others? Did you set rules? Did you tell her you'd prefer she not see other Dom's while under consideration from you?

If you didn't than you have no one else to blame but yourself...and you missed the perfect moment to find out WHY it didn't work out with the other Dom and give yourself a chance to shine...you could have sympathized with her and learned from her bad experience. If a sub comes to me and tells me he a Domme he went out with didn't work out I ask why. Sometimes hearing what went wrong will tell me it won't work with me either. But 9 times out of 10 the the Domme did something stupid and irresponsible and I can reassure the sub that I wouldn't ever do that. In fact I've had subs come back to me after being collare by another Domme and realize that they have made a mistake.

Don't be so quick to judge. But set rules upfront. Learn to communicate better.

Mistress Taboo



hypnoticblue -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:14:43 PM)

If I were in your shoes (but me being a sub... yeah...) I would have said bye too... You are in control.  Don't regret it. 



ownedgirlie -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:19:44 PM)

Am I understanding correctly that you had only been speaking about a week?  And you wanted to be exclusive by then?  I'm confused.




wild1cfl -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:21:51 PM)

I listen to my instincts and obviously your instincts are telling you that this is not the person that you thought she was. I would not go any further with it and move on. I have been on Collarme for over 3 years and I have been in the lifestyle for over 30 years. In that time I have talked to literally hundreds of submissives, but the ones who were right for me I can count on one hand. I am fortunate to have found not only my soulmate who is my wife and also a Dominant, I have found my soulmate who is our submissive but more importantly our best friend.  



Estring -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:25:19 PM)

I would think that a week isn't long enough to demand exclusitivity. Sounds like you got your pride hurt some. I would learn from this and move on. 



Severian -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:42:38 PM)

To everyone who has responded to my query:

Wow. I have posted questions in forums on other sites, but I must say that this group is by far the most mature and kind I have had the pleasure of interacting with.

Yes, it did hurt my pride a bit. Yes, I do need to learn to communicate better.

I am not perfect, and am doing my best to learn. Though in this case I still think I was right to go with my instincts.

Thank you, everyone!



ownedgirlie -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 10:53:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Severian
Wow. I have posted questions in forums on other sites, but I must say that this group is by far the most mature and kind I have had the pleasure of interacting with.


You caught us on a good night [;)] 



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Another perspective (9/24/2006 11:13:02 PM)

As a sub i owe nothing more than respect for a Dom i have only spoken to for a week and do not have an agreement of being exclusive (which at one week would not happen).  Would You have preferred that she lie about what she was doing?  Either way she could not win with You is my guess and think it is good that both broke off the talking.  I have learned this lesson myself recently the one about exclusive.  It is not something i am willing to do unless the Dom has my undivided attention which rarely happens in a week.  Have had a several Doms indicate that is their wish up front as a ground rule.  I am then able to tell them upfront also that i do not lie and that i will not be exclusive until the relationship warrants it.  I lose some but many have continued their endeavors while becoming my Friend which is every bit as valuable to me as a Dom telling me after a week i can not talk with Others.  Just my way right or wrong.  IMO just share Your expectations up front and all will work out well.

diamond



wild1cfl -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 6:31:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Severian
Wow. I have posted questions in forums on other sites, but I must say that this group is by far the most mature and kind I have had the pleasure of interacting with.


You caught us on a good night [;)] 



LOL boy ain't that the truth



alwayshis1 -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 6:41:33 AM)

a week talking does not make a realtionship. perhaps if you had already met once, and still continued to talk after that, she may have had the need to ask you about seeing other men as you both get to know eachother. if you had met a girl at a bar and called her during the week, would you have been upset to find out she was dating? i dont think many are exclusive after a couple calls, and i dont know many that are exclusive without even meeting someone, and have only talked for a short period of time. somehow i think that to many seem to see d/s different then nilla dating, and have expectations on a different level, but in the beginning it is very much the same. would you want someone that would blindly be committed to you, no questions ask after a couple of calls, and no meet?



MstrssPassion -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 6:41:39 AM)

I'm sure that you had other indications that caused you to cut this... but the final reaction was your pride being hurt.

If you don't get that in check then you will be doomed to have situations like this repeat itself over & over.

Expecting ANYONE to go exclusive in a week & even before you have a chance to meet is just too much to expect. Don't let pride or your own insecurity rule your decision making when a times comes to request/suggest exclusive dating. Control is one aspect of dominantion... control for the negative reasons is not dommly at all.



Pimpernell -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 6:55:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Severian
Wow. I have posted questions in forums on other sites, but I must say that this group is by far the most mature and kind I have had the pleasure of interacting with.


You caught us on a good night [;)] 



Well that's because I wasn't on that night.[sm=evil.gif]


I'd be put off balance at first, but if it was in the early stages of the relationship, I'd just shrug it off.  As long as it didn't turn into"but my other Dom ties me up with silk rope woven from only the finest camel hair by blind Tibetan monks and personally shampooed by the Maharaja himself" game playing.

The animosity would concern me.  I would ask for an explanation, because we all have our bad days or sensitive issues.  If I didn't like the explanation then I would break it off.  It's a sign of disrespect or of passive-aggressive behaviour, neither of which I'll tolerate.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 8:05:45 AM)

It would depend on a number of things, namely: Did I specify that they were to not to be dating anyone else while getting to know me, and did they agree? Did we set a specific time for the call, or did I call just when I felt like it?

If you didn't specify your desire, you made an assumption that she would behave in the manner you wished. That's not fair; she can't read your mind and might not have agreed to that stipulation. Next time, make it clear.

If you set up the time for the call and she deliberately chose to not be there, that seems to show that she doesn't understand the nature of the relationship you are looking for. Next time, make it clear.

If those whom you contact still behave in this manner after you make these things clear, then they are not the one for you.

In the end, the deal is: you cannot control how another person behaves (no, not even a sub or slave). If they do not act in a manner that is pleasing to you, it's due to one of two things: you did not communicate effectively about what behavior you desired and/or they simply do not want to behave that way, in which case you know they are not a match for you. The search is complete when you find someone (or several) who already acts, or truly desires to learn how to act, in a manner that pleases you. But again, it's unfair to expect someone to know what you like if you don't express that.

Learning what you do and don't like is a trial an error process. Give yourself time and take notes.

Master Fire



juliaoceania -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 8:57:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Severian

Greetings all!

I have had a somewhat unpleasant first experience here and would appreciate some input from others on this site.

I contacted a potential sub and quickly moved from e-mail to phone. Things were going well and we had a meeting planned for later in the week. However, I started feeling some animosity coming from her and our conversations left me feeling... off. On our last conversation I had wanted to ask her about some point we had discussed earlier and she starts telling me that she was out on a date with another Dom and that it didn't go well. Now I do understand that people will date multiple people at once but telling me about it made me feel very unpleasant. I decided to end the contact. Now I think I might have acted to hastily, unfortunately too late for this situation.

How would you react to a potential sub telling you the reason they weren't there to take your call was because they were on a date?


Im glad my Daddy did not feel this way!  I was conversing with several dominants and met one other one when we were first talking via the phone. We talked for a couple of months before actually meeting. Before I meet someone I am not going to put all my eggs in their basket. I did quit talking to all others before I met my Daddy, but that took over a month to get to that point, and it was a reflection of a growing attraction and not wanting to divide my attentions among many suitors.

She was not dishonest with you, she was not lying to you, and in the future I would remember that honest people that are upfront about what they do are usually going to be that way when they promise themselves to you. I would remember that women need to remain a little unavailable until that heart connection is made, and that usually takes more than a week of phone conversations (at least for me it does).

Perhaps you could mend it if you emailed her why you reacted the way you did? D/s does not come with an instruction manual for dating behavior...smiles... it is often best to follow established norms for dating in the vanilla world in my opinion, because we are still human beings after all.



MASTERRocker -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 9:12:41 AM)

Communication, communication, communication- oftentimes it is always better to take your time - saves alot of money and headaches - just be glad she was honest and you spent very little = clean slate



LaTigresse -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 9:26:14 AM)

Anyone that expects exclusivity from me prior to spending time (in person) together, getting to know one another, is a fool. One I do not want in my life. I would not expect it from them either.

On the flip side of that statement is the fact that I may not be interested in another and may not be communicating in that manner with another but to expect it is too much. What I do expect is honesty and alot of good comunication. If I find that someone is telling me they are not communicating with another, and in fact are, and lies about it......THEN we have a problem and its bye bye.

Some people like to focus on one person at a time and other like to have several poles in the water to see what they can catch. Personally I need to focus on one person at a time. I don't feel one is right or wrong, it's just a matter of preference.



LadyHugs -> RE: Another perspective (9/25/2006 9:37:59 AM)

Dear Severian, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I can understand people that have not committed to date several individuals at once, as we all want to exhaust the search for "the one or more."
 
That said, in my mind's eye; I would not be so upset that the individual didn't take the call but, the fact that she was discussing another dominant and the outcome of a date.  I would save such a discussion with a close friend or somebody that is safe to mull over personal matters but, the old World War II saying; "Loose Lips sink ships," in my mind applies here.  I don't see, in your case proffered, the submissive practiced being discreet.  I don't like a chatter box or gossip to leave the personal circle.
 
I do submit for consideration, that I would have inquired as to what made the other date with a dominant a disaster, before ending the consideration process.
 
I've seen submissive sorts talk badly about all their dominant dates, negative and poor me because a dominant rather get to know them as a person first, rather than thrusting them onto a bondage frame and 'play.'  Getting to know somebody before playing is important to me but, each dominant/submissive interaction is different.
 
In summary, I would have ended the contract.  Follow your gut instincts and usually that will serve you well.  That uncomfortable feeling provided the warning bell and you ended something that may have had a worse consequence later down the road.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



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