Sinergy
Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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Hello A/all,
This is an interesting thread and I had a few thoughts on it.
My initial question would be how good are you at monitoring what is going on in your world? Do you know when you are having a bad hair day? Do you know when you feel on top of the world. When you feel out of sorts. When you want to be left alone, etc.
Assuming you are aware of these things, are you able to share this information with your Dominant? Is he receptive to your stating your feelings? Everybody has feelings. I am always amused by people who attempt to give a "why" or reason to why they feel the way they feel. The conclusion I have come to in life is that feelings exist at a much more basic level of consciousness, and I am pretty dubious at this point that a person really knows why they feel the way they feel.
I let go of trying to be responsibility for the feelings of other people years ago. It was difficult for me for various reasons, but there is
a freedom I found because I realized I dont have to be emotionally engaged in somebody else's feelings unless I choose to be. So when the person I am with states they are having a bad hair day, we can both acknowledge it and move on. I tend to pay pretty close attention to the people I am around, and I can start to nip things in the bud early on before the emotional turmoil becomes overwhelming.
This can be as simple as raising my voice, kissing her, asking her to do something for me, or whatever., in order to get her out of her head and thinking about the world around her.
Doesnt always work, but sometimes it does.
In my experience, the submissive is usually a lot more upset by their behavior than I am. So for me to get angry about it and/or punish them requires more effort on my part than I am usually willing to expend. Combine these two concepts, and I tend to wonder why it is up to me to be punitive. I tend to go with the "I feel disappointed when you..." approach.
Physical punishments, humiliations, etc., tend to bring about subspace in a lot of people. Here I was thinking that getting her into subspace was something she and I would both enjoy, but now I am doing it to punish her? This is the Stick approach to behavior correction. That just seems so backwards to me. I raised my RL kids with the concept that I should ignore any behavior I dont want repeated, and reward any behavior I do want repeated. They are wonderfully well mannered and well behaved young adults at this point.
Yelling at or punishing somebody, for people who dont positively reward other people, ends up rewarding them by acknowledging that they are there.
On the other hand, I will offer up the Carrot. If I see a behavior pattern I dont like start to develop, I will first off check in to see how she is doing emotionally. Then I will make a date or appointment to reward her should she overcome her urge to act out.
Clear as mud?
Sinergy
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"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"
"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle
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