the accidental dominant (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

topcat -> the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 2:07:06 PM)

I had an expirence last night that spoke to some of the post on who you want to meet first- the person or the dominant. I decided to post it as a new post as I think it runs tangentally.

So theres this friend of mine, I'll call her MissE., who I know from the local pub. While she doesn't seem to be out in the scene, she identifies as a Dominant, and seems to have more than a passing knowlege of this stuff.

Last night, as is often the case, she showed up a bit after the time I did, and we sat at the bar to eat together. As we talked, we drifted onto a game of 'spot the power exchange tendancies' , looking around the bar and calling 'dom' or 'sub' as we observed the interactions around us.

As I was arguing my case for a particular couple we were in disagreement about, I pointed out the 'dom' behavoirs I was seeing in him. Some of the vague sort of 'tells' that I pointed out werethat he was sitting in the stronger place at their table, his haveing directed her to her seat, that they walked in with his hand on the small of her back, sort of sterring her through the room, the way he'd wait untill she was looking at him before speaking, the way that he did the ordering and interacted with the server.

Now- this is all compleatly subjective, and I supportted some of the statements by saying that I always did something similar.

MissE was suddenly looking at me funny, enough so that I asked her if everything was OK.

"you're domming me, aren't you?! Shit- you do everyone of those things when we hang out!"

"well, uh-no. Not on purpose- but I guess I do do that..."

She was a bit indignant at first, but actually thought it was funny- I did too, as I wasn't doing anything deliberatly- much of it is shear reflex, and really, justs come down to good albeit formal manners- and besides that, I always seat a lady to my left- I am a bit deaf in my right ear<g>.

She wound up giving me props on it, and we drifted off into discussing intate personality traits that we felt were 'Domly'. I am usually the first to dismiss that a 'dom/me' does particular things, or behaves in a certain way in non-scene dynamics, but we did come up with a few things we decided were good tellls.

Are there behaviors, traits (tells?) that you feel grow from your 'dominant' or 'submissive' nature, or do you see these things in others you know?




proudsub -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 2:27:47 PM)

quote:

As we talked, we drifted onto a game of 'spot the power exchange tendancies' , looking around the bar and calling 'dom' or 'sub' as we observed the interactions around us.


I tend to do that a lot now when out in public too, it's fun. Also whenever i see a choker necklace i wonder if it is a collar. I think some of what you mentoned is just good manners in the old fashioned sense, but could be construed as domly. One thing i notice a lot beause i have always done it, is women who walk with their eyes down.[:)]




RiotGirl -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 3:30:37 PM)

Access Denied



willing2serve -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 3:53:51 PM)

Well for me, If I tried to make a living out of guessing people's weight or age, I would have to put a jar in walmart to collect pennies for my living. I am ALWAYS wrong. So I know that I most likely couldn't pick out a Sub or Dom; however I have tried and I always wonder....just like you wonder boxers or briefs (smile), but can you truly ever know?

I would love for someone to analyze me on the street...I strut....Do most submissive's strut? This could be the making of a new dance!

I guess one true tale-tale sign, if someone is rubbing their ass, must mean submissive? (tail sign), I've been known to feel the heat after a spanking!

Respectfully,
Willing2serve



mistoferin -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 6:32:22 PM)

quote:

As we talked, we drifted onto a game of 'spot the power exchange tendancies' , looking around the bar and calling 'dom' or 'sub' as we observed the interactions around us.


Funny, I didn't realize that other people enjoyed playing this same people watching game. This is something I do often.



LdyAuburn -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 6:54:12 PM)

Sometimes the 'place' eg if it is a work function, eg lunch in the middle of a meeting would impact? I am plain old bossy [;)] so who knows what role someone would associate with me.
I know and have interacted with some submissives who come across as very dominant in daily work role and are quite commanding in their presence.

Mmm not sure if that makes sense, hope it does



Suleiman -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/15/2005 6:54:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Are there behaviors, traits (tells?) that you feel grow from your 'dominant' or 'submissive' nature, or do you see these things in others you know?



As I've said before in reply to other topics, I am submissive, and I am dominant. These are not traits that I actively cultivate, nor do I turn them on and off at whim. While I do not actively look for such behaviors in other people, unless they are actively involved with me in some way, I am occasionally struck by some particularly noteworthy act of social dominance or submission. I consider these traits to be nessesary to the social fabric of society as a whole. We are all dominant, we are all submissive - to varying degrees, each according to our nature and temperament.

This afternoon, as I was walking down the street, I noticed a couple loading packages into the trunk of their car. The woman turns to the man, and demands of him, arms akimbo and speaking with much the same tone of voice one might use on a child, "Did you remember to pick up garbage bags?!?" The man slumped his shoulders and looked at the pavement in front of him, stammering for a second, eventually responding with a weak and unconvincing "yes". The rest of the conversation went unheard by me, as I had turned the corner, but the dramatic display of what would appear to be vanilla-flavored dominance and submission (at least neither was wearing a collar or displaying any of the usual signs) left a strong impression on me.




1RottenJohnny -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 10:41:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Are there behaviors, traits (tells?) that you feel grow from your 'dominant' or 'submissive' nature, or do you see these things in others you know?



It's an odd thing. When erin and I are out on the town I find myself scrutinizing every man that walks by as if they all have intentions of taking her from me. As I'm not at all the jealous type I attribute it to an innate protective reflex.

When we go into a store she automatically starts walking behind me. This is not any kind of protocol we've ever discussed. She just does it. It's her submissive reflex. I'm always trying to keep her in front of me so I know where she is just in case something bad happens. Again, my protective reflex. Apparently this is something her and I need to discuss as I never really thought much about it until reading this thread. Thanks topcat!

I also enjoy practicing the "old fashioned" manners that have been slowly disappearing over the past few generations. Opening doors, taking her coat, pulling out her chair so she can sit, etc. My father simply called it being a "gentleman" and there was no reason for ignoring them. They only enhance your persona and earn you respect from others. I've often thought one of the reasons BDSM is becoming so mainstream is because so many of us are trying to reclaim that level of respectful interaction that seems to have been displaced since the "sexual revolution". As a modern society we've decided not to attribute dominance or submission to a specific sex but we crave the stability that comes from applying the power exchange.



INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 1:09:53 PM)

quote:

One thing i notice a lot beause i have always done it, is women who walk with their eyes down


My sub has not hidden the fact that she is a collared sub to her co-workers.

Some of them ask for details which she shares as she feels is proper. One co-worker has informed her that she has begun calling her husband Master, and they are having some fun. The others seem to live vicariously through her.

When I have gone to my sub's place of employment, it is fun to see the other workers, they are all afraid to look me in the eye! They will even have conversations with me, but without eye contact!



ShadowKnight -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 1:28:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat



Are there behaviors, traits (tells?) that you feel grow from your 'dominant' or 'submissive' nature, or do you see these things in others you know?




A sense of chivalry and a code of honor as well as doing those things that I was taught that a gentleman does. I tend to just tell people what I want and how things are going to be done whether it is at work or school, at a resturaunt or a store. I have this sense of control, whether it is the area around Me, the people around Me, or Myself...including My temper. Many think these things equate to dominance and to Me they are just things I have done for as long as I can recall.



Shayna -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 1:35:40 PM)

I find myself analyzing my vanilla friends that are coupled, thinking which one is dom or sub. My close female friends seem to be domme's, tho they wouldn't identify themselves in that way. Thinking about lending them my cuffs sometime...



liljoy -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 6:08:04 PM)

a lil off topic here but i've here but INSIDEYOURMIND something i find interesting is that You refer to her as Your sub but she identifies as Your slave. Just something i find interesting

quote:

ORIGINAL: INSIDEYOURMIND

quote:

One thing i notice a lot beause i have always done it, is women who walk with their eyes down


My sub has not hidden the fact that she is a collared sub to her co-workers.

Some of them ask for details which she shares as she feels is proper. One co-worker has informed her that she has begun calling her husband Master, and they are having some fun. The others seem to live vicariously through her.

When I have gone to my sub's place of employment, it is fun to see the other workers, they are all afraid to look me in the eye! They will even have conversations with me, but without eye contact!




INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 8:18:11 PM)

The answer is fairly simple, we don't really use labels, she is simply mine!



liljoy -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/16/2005 8:34:03 PM)

thank You for Your explination. Note i didn't ask for an explination. Ya'll are clearly ery happy and that is all that really matters ~smiles~
lil_joy
quote:

ORIGINAL: INSIDEYOURMIND

The answer is fairly simple, we don't really use labels, she is simply mine!




LadyAngelika -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/17/2005 7:19:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

Are there behaviors, traits (tells?) that you feel grow from your 'dominant' or 'submissive' nature, or do you see these things in others you know?



It's been a while... but here goes ;)

I guess I've come to the realisation lately that I am simply dominant. When I get together with submissives in a kink realm, I am not becoming someone else, I am just being me, naturally. I am both “socially dominant” and “kink dominant”.

I was discussing something similar with one of my subs quite recently. We were having a drink in a lounge a few weeks ago and had a conversation similar to yours, trying to pick out who was what at each table. After some debate on why one would be such and the other, we basically decided on a 2x2 matrix and at the extremities, there were social dominants, social submissives, kink dominants and kink submissives (and of course a whole bunch of other varieties in the middle).

The “socially dominant” are leaders in business, social gatherings, and just have a general aura of strength that draws a lot of people to them. They are often referred to as powerful people.

The “socially submissive” don’t have much power in everyday life and are pretty low key, oftentimes followers, shy or low key.

Both can be “kink dominants” or “kink submissives”.

When looking at people in a non-kink setting, we don’t see the person behind closed doors. You mention the concept of “nature” Lawrence. I’m not sure how this applies here. For that I would have to understand how a “socially submissive/kink dominant” feels. I have interacted with a great deal of “socially dominant/kink submissives”, much like the boy I was having a drink with that night. And let me tell how lovely they are! <weg>.

So how do I figure out who is who? I usually tend to rely on instinct in these areas.

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

MissE was suddenly looking at me funny, enough so that I asked her if everything was OK.

"you're domming me, aren't you?! Shit- you do everyone of those things when we hang out!"

"well, uh-no. Not on purpose- but I guess I do do that..."


Uh huh. You do that most definitely mon ami ;) That is what makes you so wonderful.

- LA



topcat -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/17/2005 7:36:46 PM)



My very dear Lady A.-

Hey! where have you been? I hope it was fun!

quote:

Uh huh. You do that most definitely mon ami ;) That is what makes you so wonderful.


You say the sweetest things- thak you so much.

Stay warm,
Lawrence



Moleculor -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/18/2005 7:11:55 AM)

I realize it's outside the scope of the discussion, but growing horns is always a good sign of a sadist.



tabbycat -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/18/2005 12:01:00 PM)

i think sometimes we can't help but let that side out. i met a Dom a while back and we've become friends (not sexual partners but friends). In school and work i tend to get thrust into the rolls of leadership and i always feel like i'm in someone else's skin durning that time. It was when i was with a Dom friend of mine that he and i noticed that when with each other we slipped very easily into Dom/sub mode. We laughed about it because i'm a double major and one is social science so to me i love seeing how things just work that way at times. So while he's not "my" Dom it is nice to be around someone that understands.



ARoseAndAnEye -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/18/2005 2:32:25 PM)

I wouldn't have it any other way! That is, for my Master/Dominant to remain dominant in ALL aspects of our life. I'm not talking about walking around in a collar & leash in public.... however, it is only natural for us, when, say at a restaurant, for him to order my food and/or beverage. We've even been chastised by waitresses for this! "Can't she speak for herself???" to which I resquested of my Master to move to a table OUT of her service, and we lodged a complaint with the management. He will ask me what I want to drink and eat, and convey that to the waiter or waitress for me. I absolutely LOVE this!

I will enter an establishment lightly gripping my Master's elbow. To us it is a sign of respect of his position, and to us is perfectly socially acceptable in all situations. If I forget because I am distracted, he will gently remind me to "take my arm". I will ask where he wants me to sit if I'm not sure or if his movements are ambiguous.

I guess if I saw another couple behaving in this manner, I would assume they are, at some level, in "the scene". I, too, look for collars/necklaces that are ambiguous.... and curiously wonder to myself... perhaps pointing it out to my Master if he hasn't noticed. And I, too, walk with my eyes averted. I may not be looking DOWN, but I never walk with my Master with what could be construed as STARING.

We live this way happily and with pride, for since most the time it is NOT appropriate to wear a collar and leash, we treasure our behavioral nuances to each other and do NOT take them lightly.

~anna



domtimothy46176 -> RE: the accidental dominant (1/18/2005 2:59:12 PM)

I have, from time to time, noticed behaviors in others that I associated with being dominant. most of these are closely related to body language. One might interpret them as an air of confidence. The way one enters a room, stands, looks about, meets anothers gaze, all these things have a distinct flavor to them that convey a sense of dominance, IMO. I can't say that I am conscious of these behaviors in myself, but my girl says that I very much carry myself as a dominant. I think the observation is subjective at best, but I would imagine those of us in the lifestyle would probably find a lot of common ground in how we interpret such things.
Timothy



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125