Critique my profile (Full Version)

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Bishop -> Critique my profile (1/17/2005 10:00:37 AM)

I have been here for a long period of time, I would imagine that my profile is either too abrupt or not ideally for a sub/slave. With that being said take the time and give your opinion. Send all responses to my email address. Have a great day.



INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 10:09:05 AM)

I'd post a photo, and ya may want to check your spelling!



sweetpleaser -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 10:09:58 AM)

Bishop: your profile is not bad. It is kind of exact, but you are just explaining up front what you expect. I would suggest some warm pictures to soften the profile a little. At least one picture with a smile. Good luck.



BeachMystress -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 10:38:03 AM)


First off, you are searching for a height/weight proportionate sub when you yourself are not height/ weight proportionate. A 5'7" person should weigh 160lbs or under to be "h/w proportionate." You speak of being very particular. (Remember, subs are also, and since females in the lifestyle are always outnumbered by the males, they have the option of being overly picky.) That plus your emphasis on grooming makes it sound like you want arm candy. Since this lifestyle is about things other than beauty, that can put some off.

Next, an oft mentioned thing in this forum, proofread your ad for grammar and spelling. You have errors in both. One or two are easily overlooked. You have more than that.

You don't give much of a sense of who you are via your ad. While you talk about good communication, you do not go into detail on any point of what you expect. You also never give them any clue as to what you think are your responsibilities as a Dominant. And yes.. you do have responsibilities to a sub, and even more to a slave.



die4urpleasure -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 10:56:04 AM)

Ok, i shall oblige you accordingly:

1) I would start off your second sentence with a capital. I realize its more fashionable to lowercase subbie/slave, but it doesn't read right to begin a sentence that way. So, how about rewording it to say "If you weren't born a female, I don't care about your submissive/slave tendencies."

2) It would seem to me you are denying yourself some dynamic situations by invoking a height limit of 5'8". Forget your own height. It implies an insecurity, and that's not cool for a master. Wouldn't it be very striking for you to dominate a woman of 6 feet tall or more? Hey, if she's willing, all the more power to you.

3) Your point number 2 is redundant with what you already made clear in your opening paragraph. Scrap it. Most people don't have a lot of time and its best to streamline your message.

4) You get this message across in the first 4 words, then it gets sloppy as if you're on something yourself: "Must be drug free, if you have done some in the past that is none of My concern but you will not be permitted to do drugs in My household or if I suggest that you obtain your on household as well, nor while in My relationship."

5) Saying "I prefer non-smokers, but a smoker will be considered", makes you seem rather wishy-washy for a master. Why not drop it altogether, especially since you are prepared to compromise on this?

6) "I am patient, attentive and loving with a sense of humor." That's good. Keep it in. Humor makes for a healthy relationship and a better life.

7) Using the spelling "xtremes" seems more pornographic than just coming out and spelling "extremes," which is really what you are refering to.

8) "There is one thing that you sub/slave may put you above the rest that may apply, that would be grooming techniques, you may ask about the details of this matter and if you are unsure of this and I accept you as my sub/slave, then I see I have a lot of work to do. You may still apply." Huh? Couldn't you just say something like "Self-respect and good grooming are important."

9) "Before this relationship even begins, it has to start with communication if there is no clear understanding then don't waste my time. What you may attempt to do I have clear understanding I will hold your hand each step of the way." Well, it's obvious communication is where it will start. Why not shorten that to something more direct and clear like "You will find me understanding and willing to guide you."?

10) The last paragraph is not needed in my opinion.

Anyway, those are my humble suggestions and I hope they help. Rock on, be merciful and enjoy.



Suleiman -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 11:37:35 AM)

Okay, first things first...

You do realise that if all you are doing is sitting back and waiting for a submissive to contact you, you are going to be in for a long wait, right? I hate to say this but, you are a guy. Every woman on this site, submissive or dominant, is being inundated with emails from horny eager guys, and while most of them are but mere trolls, many of them are earnest people seeking partners. Expecting your profile to do all the work is kind of like nailing your resume to a tree in a public area and expecting someone to offer you a job. It might happen, but I guarantee that you won't get the range of offers you were looking for.

That being said, I can say that you do need to go back and edit your profile text. Cut-and-paste what you have onto a word program and run a spell check. Remove some of the redundant clauses and fill in some of the missing conjunctions. The basic wording is okay, but there are some folks who will be turned off by slipshod grammar, which reduces your potential pool by another factor.

A photo will help. The random surf function on the main page will automatically direct you to the first profile with a picture. This does require, however, that you be logged on at this site on a regular basis, so that your profile keeps jumping to the top. You ARE coming back here on a regular basis, right? Bad enough to expect your profile to do all the work, if you don't show up on a semi-regular basis, your name eventually sinks down to the bottom of the list. You've got a lot of competition, you have to stay in the game.

Other than that, all I can say is good luck.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Critique my profile (1/17/2005 2:09:22 PM)

quote:

With that being said take the time and give your opinion.


Bishop,
Brave man, ASKING to for criticism. Even though you requested email responses you posted the request on a thread, so since others have, I'll also reply here...

Other then being particular and not being as particular with your own w/h/p; what do you bring to the table? I'd put in your experience, if any; what you consider yourself good at as it relates to the lifestyle, and what your ambitions are concerning the relationship.

Enjoy! Good Luck!



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Critique my profile (1/18/2005 8:17:16 PM)

it is brave indeed.....
1)I emailed, but agree with Sweetpleaser, it is exact; I get the impression someone is anal and boring when they're excessively particular;
2)I agree he isn't HWP, so apparently, she needs to be but accept him as is; nothing wrong with that I suppose...
3)It's a little long; the part about this has to be communication and understanding based is a foregone conclusion I think.
4)Agree with BeachMystress, not much personality comes through, so maybe a picture and more about you would be nice.
5)Being the man, you'll have to begin conversation more often than not.
Good luck, M



topcat -> RE: Critique my profile (1/18/2005 9:06:00 PM)

M. Bishop-

1] add photos- see : profile pics for some tips on making a good impression.

2] pare your profile down to a bare minimum. The more you write, the more likely they are to just move on or not have anything to ask about. Fix the spelling, and find a synonym for 'xtreme'- you repeat it enough to sound a bit deranged.

3] Respond to every note you get- even the clueless boys and the incomprehesible one liners.

4] when a new profile shows up on your page, send them a welcome note- NEVER offer them 'a chance at serving you', or a mention of meeting- just offer answer any questions they have on the site, say something nice about their profile and move on- if the bite, be casual- the noobs get a blizzard of 'come to my house and be ready to serve' spams. Be different.

5] post on the boards, often enough to be visible, and just be yourself. I get a huge amount of feedback in my box from my posts here.

6] did you really mean to say "I believe a D/s relationship is a one way street." ? If you meant 'two way', fix it. If you did mean one way, you might want to save that tidbit untill the second date, maybe.

Good Luck,
Lawrence





FangsNfeet -> RE: Critique my profile (1/18/2005 9:10:12 PM)

Other than what everyone else has said, I'd change your name to Naughty Bishop. Just a thought of mine as I use to use it as a chess name a few years back.



SherriA -> RE: Critique my profile (1/18/2005 10:50:53 PM)

Lots of good suggestions. You might want to include a reference to somewhere all those emoticons are defined as well. I couldn't figure out what some of them were supposed to mean, so I didn't know what you were trying to say in places.



Suleiman -> RE: Critique my profile (1/19/2005 9:56:11 AM)

You know, I never even noticed the emoticons. Then again, I don't really pay attention to emoticons, nor do I normally make use of them, so I've probably just developed an unconscious visual filter. Personally, though, I think it is a matter of taste. Some folks like 'em, some don't. I know way too many folks who use them, so I know it won't alienate that many people, and it may be found to be reassuring.

Lawrence, as ever, has some very sound suggestions.



ehlovindom -> RE: Critique my profile (2/13/2005 9:10:38 AM)

Not sure if it is my place to say so but compliments to all of you who replied to Bishop's posting. Out of curiousity, I went to look at it today (Feb.13/04) and he hadn't incorporated one out of the numerous terrific suggestions all of you suggested. Of course it has only been about two weeks!



ggonknees -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 7:06:35 AM)

From a sub's pov:
it's very specific, maybe something more general on the bodily proportions (say 0ver 5'8" and slim build) or more to the point something like: over 5'8", slim build, non-smoker, drug free etc.
From a personal pov, i tend to be interested in doms by what they don't tell me. i find having shopping lists don't grab me (but then i'm into choice of word/lanugage and how it's used to grab my attention). i don't what to know what a dom will do, rather for it to be suggested. fabulous.

A dom with excellent command of the English language is welcome in my brain (she says as she panics over her spelling/grammar!)
gg



nella -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 7:22:29 AM)

I think the profile was cold and unfeeling. It was a grosery list, all of what you did not want, or did want, but nothing aboute what you could do and what your own intrest were.

Also i got the ipression, true or not from your profile that you were looking for somone that were drop dead gorgerous, well let us face it, drop dead gorgerous submissive women that want to be a full time slave, and not many and will have suitors like a faritale princess, if you want to catch one, you need to present yourself mutch better.

i would not recomend changing your nick to Naugthy Bishop, to many here have sex oriented nicks, nad i peronaly do not realy like it.



cellogrrlMK -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 7:55:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bishop

I have been here for a long period of time, I would imagine that my profile is either too abrupt or not ideally for a sub/slave. With that being said take the time and give your opinion. Send all responses to my email address. Have a great day.


I think everyone's suggestions were really good; however, even though it is a moot point now, it might have been nice to use the word "please" in the original post. Dom/me or whatever, it's always nice to be polite. [:)]



ProtagonistLily -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 8:02:40 AM)

quote:

I have been here for a long period of time, I would imagine that my profile is either too abrupt or not ideally for a sub/slave. With that being said take the time and give your opinion. Send all responses to my email address. Have a great day.


Alrighty...here we go.

First Paragraph:
First off, for a Dominant that is particular, the word is not spelled 'paticular'. You are saying you are something you can't spell it. Secondly, you are very negative from the start. If what you are trying to do is be the big mean Dom, it's working. Unfortunately, it's not very attractive. Thirdly, you seem highly homophobic with the hammering of 'real female'. Really, you probably only have to say it once. The paragraph could use a grammar once over.

Second Paragraph:

It's clear from your height requirements you have 'Short Man's' syndrome. Your inability to consider someone over 5'8" is fairly telling. The drug thing in your household and moving to Ohio is jumping the gun a bit. You've already got the girl living with you and you haven't even met her yet. Chill.

Third Paragraph:
What you offer is not what I would call tempting. You and 9 million other Dominants offer the same basic thing. You have given no reason for anyone to consider you over the other profiles. xtreams is not a word; when people use xtreams, UR, etc., it can be a real deal breaker. Who wants a lazy Dom?

Fourth Paragraph:
It's so unintelligible I can't even get through it. Sorry.

Fifth Paragraph:
Well, it's so negative that I doubt anyone's bothered to waste your time.

Paragraph Six:
The "Q and A". With all due respect, I doubt hightly anyone ever gets to the sixth paragraph.

I'd scrap the whole thing, and start from a differant perspective. I think it's entirely too negative.

Lily




junecleaver -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 8:20:16 AM)

Your sentence structure seems to be a bit backwards. Your grammar and spelling are off. Spelling extremes, extreme doesn't make you look cool.

I think your profile is boring. Spice it up with something about yourself and your favorite quote/poem/something that shows you have taste.

A picture would be nice too. Even if you're in the professional world, you can take a picture that does not include your face.



nella -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 10:15:24 AM)

Is grammer realy that inportant. My profile is definlity not grammer correct, but i have done my best. i think pepole here is maby a bit to caguth up in grammer.



ProtagonistLily -> RE: Critique my profile (4/17/2005 2:15:57 PM)

quote:

Is grammer realy that inportant. My profile is definlity not grammer correct, but i have done my best. i think pepole here is maby a bit to caguth up in grammer.


Well, nella, when someone says they are paticular (meaning particular) I expect at least a decent amount of grammar.

To me, it is important. You are obviously entitled to your opinion, however, I tend to pass over Dominants that can't take the time to write their native tongue in a legible manner.

Lily



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