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Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 11:16:24 AM   
MIslostsoul


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline 		Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?

My reason for asking is: In His search for a Second my Master has run across so many woman vanilla and Lifestyle that have no idea who they are and they range in age from 30 to 60.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 11:24:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Most people in the world have no idea who they really are and what they really want.

And a large number of the people you see coming here "discovering" who they are?  They are actually just running to the next hot thing they come across and gives them a little high and who hope that by escaping into the "power dynamic" that all of their other problems will be solved.

Eventually they realize it doesn't.

And the fact that you're seeking the Holy Grail in the scene, something extremely rare and extremely highly sought after will not help your odds.  You need to accept that this will likely take a very long time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 11:27:17 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think it's a question of whether a person has direction or not, and has nothing to do with whether they are dominant, submissive, male, female, vanilla, chocolate, etc.  Some people are fortunate enough to know early in life and have the fortitude to go after it.  Others are not.  As for me, I was not able to achieve what I wanted to and ended up falling into my current career path.  It is not a fulfilling one for me, so I am working on changing it. My problem is, there are too many things I want to do!  But, at the ripe age of 40, I am narrowing down that field.  I've been doing what I currently do for years, and I'm good at it and earn a decent living, but it is certainly not my destination. 

Knowing this about me, Master has sent me back to school to finish my degree, which was prevented in my former marriage.  He expects no less than a Masters from me.

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 12:24:30 PM   
MIslostsoul


Posts: 43
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you ladies,

I was fortunate enough to know who i was because of the way i was raised. My father instilled a lot of self pride. I learned to love me when i met my first Dom at 18, I was doing a lot of risky things but he set me straight. started traveling and made each trip something to benefit and learn from.

In looking for my Master I am not looking for self but for that place to find peace and fulfill that the desire of being sexually satisfied.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 1:05:27 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?

Yes, i had it all figured out, who i was and what i wanted to be.
Now i have no idea who i am, i'm slowly learning.
I still know what i want to do with my life, that hasn't changed. I now though want to do it with that special person, the goal posts have just moved slightly.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
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RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 1:21:10 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?

My reason for asking is: In His search for a Second my Master has run across so many woman vanilla and Lifestyle that have no idea who they are and they range in age from 30 to 60.


Who I am in what way? Sexually or vanilla?

In my vanilla life I have already found my way to my vocation in life, my passion if you will. I have taken a detour, but that passion is still there inside. I am an anthropologist... I am many other things too, such as a mother, daughter, sister, and friend... but the thing I claimed for myself is anthropologist.

Unless I misunderstood the question...

I am of the opinion that just when I am completely sure of who I am, then I change...lol. I will never completely "know myself".. and that is a pretty exciting thing, there is always something new to discover inside of me.. and I would be leery of anyone that expected me to know all my knooks and crannies...


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
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RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 2:12:02 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I was very lucky to be raised in a great home and encourage to be who I was so I have always had a strong identity. It is unfortunate but the fact is there are a lot of people in this world who struggle with this issue and from all walks of life and they do creep into this life.

There are simply many people walking around in the world with no self identity and are unhappy and looking for that magic pill. I do believe that there are more than a fair share that wander into D/s thinking/hoping that another person will show them the way. To me personally, anytime I talk or read to someone looking for another to give them direction or help them flower it raises a pretty big flag.

In the end though it is a problem for the whole population. It is the people who change marriages, carrers, physical locations and other things fequently hoping the external change will make them happy when they need to look internally.

Lin


(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 2:21:44 PM   
OhReallyNow


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?

My reason for asking is: In His search for a Second my Master has run across so many woman vanilla and Lifestyle that have no idea who they are and they range in age from 30 to 60.

Yes. This slave had a pretty good idea of what she wanted, and how to go about attaining it

_____________________________

~ When anger rises, think of the consequences
CONFUCIUS ~

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 2:30:37 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I don't have a strong identity and am not sure who I am or what I want.  Two things contribute to this: I tend to define myself through my relationships and this involves a certain commitment to flexibility and tolerance for ambiguity vis a vis my self.  And, life has thrown me a couple curves where I thought I had what I wanted, or at least came to want what I had, but it was taken away.

Sometimes I wonder if it even makes sense for me to speak of an "I" and, while mainstream psychology might raise its eyebrows (no, I'm not like the other girls), I do flirt with the idea of what it would be like to push myself even further in this direction to see what would happen and how far I can go. 

In any case, I think most people are too complex to sum themselves up easily.  I'm curious about what has led your Master to the conclusion that the sub/slaves he's talked to didn't know who they were. 



< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 10/1/2006 2:31:26 PM >

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 2:44:27 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?

My reason for asking is: In His search for a Second my Master has run across so many woman vanilla and Lifestyle that have no idea who they are and they range in age from 30 to 60.


I had issues accepting myself as a submissive for years. it was only when i accepted my self for who i was that i was comfortable fully submitting to another.

I don't believe i "became" a submissive I believe you either are are you aren't you can train to act like one i guess but it is either part of your make up or it isn't.  The trick is accepting it as part of yourself.

I viewed submitting to another as a weakness with in myself and fought against it was but always unhappy when i did so. I had to grow up and learn to accept myself for who i was and realize that giving up control of parts of my life was not a weakness with in myself but actually a source of strength and something that calmed the chaos with in.

You'll find that many people male and female can not or do not look at themselves honestly and admit to themselves who and what they are. Not just submisives. In a world where everything has been turned upside down it's not hard to see why people have issues with self discouvery.

As LA stated many people just jump from one fad to antoher trying to see where they fit. 5 or 10 years ago it was the in thing to be gay or bi, now the in thing is to be into kink. People just need to learn to look inside to fix themselves rather then expecting like everthing else now a days that something or someone else should just fix them and instantly. They feel they should not have to work at it themselves.

Finding one mate or match is hard, finding a second or third to bring into the family is ever so much harder because they don't just have to meld well with one other person but two or three. It wont happen over night. It may not even happen with in a year or five.

As for your question " did you know what you wanted to do with your life?"

At 18 I knew it all, got it all and hated it. Now I'm living a day at a time, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up  (I'm 32)  but i'm much more relaxed, alot happier and way more stable then I ever was before.

I am happy for the joys with in my life at the moment and I don't believe in regret, for you can not change the past and to double guess yourself is a waste of time.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 4:49:49 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I am of the opinion that just when I am completely sure of who I am, then I change...lol. I will never completely "know myself".. and that is a pretty exciting thing, there is always something new to discover inside of me.. and I would be leery of anyone that expected me to know all my knooks and crannies...

You bring up a great point, Julia.  In my upbringing, I wasn't allowed to be who I was.  My mother, undiagnosed mentally ill, would change the script for us a lot.  My childhood was basically one huge role-playing act, in an effort to keep her temper quiet.  At 18 I moved out, unsure of what my opinion was about anything.  At 22 I was married, to someone who was convinced that since I didn't "know myself," let alone my nooks and crannies, then I had no credibility in my opinions.  I was constantly ordered to "know myself" yet I wasn't able to experience those things which would help in that effort.

This isn't a woe-is-me post.  It just explains that it wasn't until well into adulthood when I began learning who I was.  This has been the case with my siblings, too.  Accepting my need to submit was just one of many things I had to learn.  Seeing my value was another big one :)  But as I trek along, I continue to learn and grow and discover.  Sometimes it is exiting, and other times painful, but it all leads to greater knowledge of self.  The more I learn, the more I fine tune who I am, or in some cases, change entirely as there may be things I don't like.  It really is amazing to be free enough to learn myself.

(great thread, btw).

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 5:48:49 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:


And a large number of the people you see coming here "discovering" who they are?  They are actually just running to the next hot thing they come across and gives them a little high and who hope that by escaping into the "power dynamic" that all of their other problems will be solved.


Hey!  Quit talking about me.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 6:27:49 PM   
behindmirrors


Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		I struggled with my self-identity and worth for years. Fortunately for me and my Dom, I got that sorted out a few months before I met him and was able to walk this road without issue. I'm a lot more at peace for it. I know what and who I am and I accept and embrace it. I'm proud of where I have been, what I have experienced, and without those things, I would not be where I am now- kneeling before him every day.

It's my opinion that a lot of people never really sort this out- maybe they never had to. It doesn't surprise me. Things like this, for people who struggle with it, only come from having a catalyst for change, be it themself or some outside event that shows them they need to cut it out and get on with being okay with themselves. Some do it, some don't, either way, it's their deal to take care of. You don't find your identity through someone else.

behindmirrors.

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 6:49:29 PM   
yaqeta


Posts: 59
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIslostsoul

Before becoming a Slave or Submissive did you have a good idea of who you are and just what you wanted to do with your life?


It seems to me that none of us ever know in general, static terms who we are and where we are going.  IMO, its more useful to know who you are now and where you are going next.  We are all necessarily constantly evolving and becoming new - not by replacing the old "us", but by integrating new qualities and renegotiating the roles of the old ones.  If we aren't, why are we still here?  And it is the unexpected things, the things we don't plan for, that impact on this process the most.  So to me, I can never really know how the "me" of today will compare to the "me" a year from now.

My approach to life, then, is more about understanding the past and the present, than planning anything for the future.  I still look ahead, but only as far as the next bend - I know I can make rough sketches of what might happen from there, but in the end, its better off being a surprise.

People often say to me that I seem to know exactly where I'm going and what I want.  But the truth of it is, I've just stopped trying to know, and embraced the fact that I can't, as something beautiful.

MIslostsoul, what is it about the qualities these people have that makes you say they have "no idea"?  This may or may not be what you are seeing, but it seems to me that often this comes across more because people have this anxiety about needing to know the future, that seems to come from a pressure for people to "know themselves" in some way that, to me, can't really be acheived.

yaq

(in reply to MIslostsoul)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 6:59:31 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
As LA stated many people just jump from one fad to antoher trying to see where they fit. 5 or 10 years ago it was the in thing to be gay or bi, now the in thing is to be into kink. People just need to learn to look inside to fix themselves rather then expecting like everthing else now a days that something or someone else should just fix them and instantly. They feel they should not have to work at it themselves.


Kinksters have been bitching about people getting into this just because it's "the new cool thing" since the 80s- and it's likely never giong to stop.

Really I have no problem with someone trying this because it's the new cool thing, as long as they admit it.  Unfortunately there's so much pressure to "be real" that this almost never happens and people dig very deep holes for themselves.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 9:57:14 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I was constantly ordered to "know myself" yet I wasn't able to experience those things which would help in that effort


Wow I think most people can relate to this.  I think that part of the problem is that everyone wants to define us before we have a chance to explore our own potential.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I was defined as a dumb blonde. I bought into that because I did not know myself, and it took years to completely undo that programming.



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 10:08:02 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I believe people need to define us so that we can fit nicely in their little box and not disrupt their ideals.  When we convey to them something they can not understand, they (meaning many, not all) display an immediate opposition.  Sometimes this opposition is displayed in the form of a question - complete with frown - asking, "Why would you want/do THAT???"  Such opposition is typically about the opposer, rather than anything we're doing (unless of course we're going around randomly murdering people, or something like that!).

In some cases, allowing or enabling one to explore his/her potential can be a threatening experience.  What if he/she grows away from me, after all?  That was quite an issue in my marriage - a desire for me to know myself, so long as that self fit into his box.  His fear of me not meeting his paradigm caused him to squeeze so hard he squeezed me out.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 10:17:25 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

  quoth LuckyAlbatross:   Kinksters have been bitching about people getting into this just because it's "the new cool thing" since the 80s- and it's likely never giong to stop.


LA, its been going on a lot longer than "the 80s"  I seem to recall two cavemen sitting around a fire, bitching about how everyone was getting into this fire thing, because its new and hot...

And besides, miss...In the 80s (the 1980s) weren't you barely a zygote?

E.  (who was actually doing WIIWD in the 1980s (gasp) even without the WWW!)

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Self Idenity - 10/1/2006 10:51:50 PM   
Iskander


Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		Of all the living things on this planet, we are the only species that sits around wondering what kind of creature we are.. To the rest of nature, simply being is enough...
I know what I have been, I know what I am today, but I have no idea what I will be 'tomorrow'...
I define my identity, it does not define me...

Iskander...

(edited to say that this is a general post, not a reply to Emperor)



< Message edited by Iskander -- 10/1/2006 10:55:01 PM >

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Self Idenity - 10/2/2006 6:19:02 AM   
Frank01


Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		To the op..........

Worry less about who you are..........And more about what you can do with your potential.

(in reply to Iskander)
Profile   Post #: 20
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