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The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 9:52:51 PM   
Horadell


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
Status: offline 		I am having a bit of difficulty in wording this question... so bear with me

it can be said, from reading profiles and postings, as well as with personal experience, the majority of the time during D/s or M/s play, the submissive is usually tending the needs of the one who is Dominating them. But in retrospect, the person who is being the Dominant is usually taking care of the needs of the submissive... The couple have the be able to care for each others needs, else, why would it be a fair relationship?

My question is... what if those needs go far beyond the BDSM lifestyle? To be quite blunt, I have a neurological disorder, Narcolepsy, which commonly pairs itself with Cataplexy. while most of the people in my life have kind of accepted that I need support from time to time... I have found it somewhat demoralizing when looking upon a partner and having to explain to them my need for support.

Am I wrong for feeling bad about requiring almost constant care from a partner? I just have trouble with the concept of, any person I get involved with will simply know what they are getting themself into...

I posted it here because I want the opinion of submissives and slaves on this... Would the idea of having to care for a Dom/me or Master/Mistress's medical problems steer you away from that person? or would you be happier that you knew what you were getting into before you even contacted them?

I don't even know If I asked the question I was intending to... but this seems well enough...
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:08:49 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Would the idea of having to care for a Dom/me or Master/Mistress's medical problems steer you away from that person?


Depends on the needs and the person.

quote:

would you be happier that you knew what you were getting into before you even contacted them?



If someone had a problem and started a relationship with me under false pretenses about something that serious it would be a deal breaker.

My Daddy told me about something dealing with a past medical situation that could impact us, if he had kept it from me until after we were deeply involved I would have felt totally betrayed for my consent being violated... you are taking someone's consent by not informing them about relevent data concerning your health.

In my situation it only made my admiration grow for my Daddy. If he had kept this from me I would feel he was hiding it from me...

Sometimes we do lie when we omit things

On edit, I do not think you owe it to someone you are talking to casually to tell them anything, but before you meet, cyber, make future plans... you DO owe it to them.. I find it best to share this sort of stuff before there is an attachment... that way they can make a rational decision even though they may like you

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 10/3/2006 10:10:53 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Horadell)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:09:12 PM   
reverendtorres


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, being with a partner that has a medical condition requiring constant treatment would probably be the only way to bring the service aspect out of me.  The more pain, discomfort, or difficulty in getting around that I see in someone, the more I want to take care of that person (assuming, of course, the person WANTS the assistance). 

I wouldn't say that it is wrong to feel bad about needing constant care.  Emotions are not good or bad; they simply ARE.  It's what you do with them that determines what kind of person you are.

(in reply to Horadell)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:10:14 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		As long as your condition is communicated up front, I don't see the problem. It is just one of many personalized needs that you and your submissive will discover together. It may be something that you are sensitive about, but it shouldn't be a roadblock to a healthy relationship.
 
As an aside, there are plenty of physically handicapped participants in our lifestyle. As long as they don't let it get in their own way, others will accomodate them with the same ease.
 
Honestly, I would see it as more of a problem if your submissive was the one with the condition.
 
In the end, Dom/Master/Submissive/Switch/Slave...we're all human. We all need support.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Horadell)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:21:42 PM   
Horadell


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
Status: offline 		My post says a few things I kind of didn't mean for it to... It just sort of came out that way.


I understand completely the idea of keeping something that is rather... important... like a medical condition private would be lieing, omitting, and a deal breaker.

But I am very open, and I have often found that I hate surprises. Such as talking to someone for six months, then finding out they are married. Or that they have children (not that children are a bad thing, simply a surprise)... Point is... I hate being surprised by something that could inevitably push me away... I don't see that having to care for your Dom/me or Master/Mistress as a bad thing... Humans have needs, if you can't care for each other's needs, don't get involved, right?

I am still unsure as to whether I am asking what I am feeling... I just have often felt bad by explaining the need and watching someone turn around and not give it another thought.

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:25:29 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		My brother had a vasectomy and is starting to get out into the dating scene. He asked me when he should bring that up? Hmm, over the first cup of coffee, or after she's got something invested in the relationship? One is too early and one is decidedly too late.
 
Kinda like that? Are you asking when you should mention it?

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Horadell)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:28:23 PM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		The Hollywood notion of a romantic caregiver is a myth.  In truth caregiving is an awful job that will eventually suck the life out of most relationships. i have been a spousal caregiver for 10 years and if i had known what was coming i would have run for the hills. 


(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:35:16 PM   
Horadell


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
Status: offline 		Well... the more I think about it... and read what has already been posted... and talk it out...

Its like it was when I had to look for new employment... I didn't know when to bring it up, but opted to say something during the initial interview, so that neither wasted time...

In a relationship though, its a little different. I guess... I was/am wondering if it is wrong to feel bad about letting someone know that certain things are neccessary... But as I think about it... would that not be the same as letting someone know your hard limits?

For example, I need someone who can offer a certain level of care due to a neurological disorder... But If the other person decides to make me their project... It can get even worse... And at the same time, if I can't rely on someone to be able to give the care that is needed, then I am setting myself up for a lot of problems. I guess it works both ways, doesnt it?

But when is the best time to let someone know to avoid the potential, "Wow that is so cute I am going to take you home and call you squishy" situations, but still be fair enough to the other person and myself, to not cause issues like... "If I had known I wouldn't have bothered."

Meh... sticky situation...

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:39:00 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I am still unsure as to whether I am asking what I am feeling... I just have often felt bad by explaining the need and watching someone turn around and not give it another thought.


Can I take a stab at what I think you might be trying to ask?

Do you have a right to dominate a submissive when you are asking her to take care of your needs in a way YOU feel makes you less dominant?

That might not be what you are trying to ask, but if so I cannot answer that for you, would it impact my decision? It would depend on your presense, your vanilla undertakings, your passion for life and many other factors.

The fact that someone requires certain service from me is not a deal breaker. Their vulnerablity is not a deal breaker. It is all based on chemistry and desire and common ground for me... if I met a dominant that had all that I wanted in a mate I would not let this challenge stand in the way, nor would I feel put upon. I would be of service to my dominant in the way he required.... but I am a service oriented sort anyways.. many submissives are.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:48:35 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		After I thought about this for a minute, I have different answer...it doesn't negate the other, it just goes along with it.
 
You'll know when it's the right time to bring it up. If you feel like it should be one of the first things you mention, then mention it first. If you feel like you should wait until you've grown some comfort, then wait. Just don't let someone get emotionally invested in your relationship without giving them this information.
 
Some submissives will not be able to accept the situation, but you would have had to tell them eventually. Some submissives will accept you as you are...warts and all.
 
Edited for typos.
 

< Message edited by spanklette -- 10/3/2006 10:49:22 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:49:03 PM   
Horadell


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I am still unsure as to whether I am asking what I am feeling... I just have often felt bad by explaining the need and watching someone turn around and not give it another thought.


Can I take a stab at what I think you might be trying to ask?

Do you have a right to dominate a submissive when you are asking her to take care of your needs in a way YOU feel makes you less dominant?


That is something that has been nagging at me...

Is it right for me to dominate a submissive when I am asking for her to care for a need that puts me into a situation where I become vulnerable?

I have trouble staying awake at times, I can fall asleep easily, have difficulty waking up, sometimes even fall and hurt myself... though that isn't often. this all causes me to be very... vulnerable... at times... And rather needy.

I guess... really... Would caring for your Dom/me or Master/Mistress during periods of vulnerability make you feel like they were any less in control? Any less of a Dominant?
Even if I didn't feel less dominant at first, being viewed as such would make me feel as such...

Edited to rephrase the first question.


< Message edited by Horadell -- 10/3/2006 10:57:23 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 10:53:16 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Doms are some of the most "needy" people I know.
 
If it makes you feel less dominant, then you need to either work to change that or accept it. Either way is fine, just don't bring that personal struggle into your dynamic. A submissive can't change the way you view yourself in this matter.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 11:19:07 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Just remember we all get older, have health problems and eventually die.  We have no control over any of these and it is a good thing when we remember that we are all vulnerable to this.  A back injury a few years ago required my vanilla husband to help me instead he allowed whoever else i could get to help me do so.  That was a betrayal that i never recovered from.  My Dom now understands there are days when my back hurts too much to do anything and he accepts that.  I was honest with him from the beginning to save us both time, energy and convoluted emotions should He not be able to deal with them.


< Message edited by diamonddreamlove -- 10/3/2006 11:21:15 PM >

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to spanklette)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 11:20:40 PM   
Horadell


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
Status: offline 		it isnt really that I feel less Dominant because I have special needs and can be vulnerable... and it really doesn't help that I can't actually keep it out of a dynamic really well...

Its more that... Even if I don't feel less dominant... if my partner feels I am less dominant and cannot care for their needs due to my own... I in turn feel that...

Does being vulnerable make someone less dominant?

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/3/2006 11:23:59 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		No it should bring out a deeper submission in the one that adores and submits to You.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/4/2006 12:42:55 AM   
APhacetoSit


Posts: 87
Joined: 11/23/2004
Status: offline 		In my humble opinion, and with all due respect, what difference should it make that You might have special needs, or require special attention.  You bringing that out early on provides the same screening capacity as if You had a special favorite act.  there are some that would consider it beyond their limitations, and others that would tend to gravitate towards that service. 
       Those who find this outside of their limits will let You know pretty quickly.  Please don't take it personally, but simply as a parameter of that sub's limits.


_____________________________

How do the Angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porchlight on?
All skill is in vain when an Angel pees in the touchhole of your musket.

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/4/2006 1:01:12 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		My feelings are anything that has the potential to impact day to day life should be brought to the table fairly quickly and before either party invests a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is not going to work out whether that be sterility, being unemployed, medical conditions, children, caring for ones parent/s etc. If it's enough to make someone walk away in the beginning, it's better to know it up front. For some it's a non-issue for others it's a deal breaker. Not everyone is cut out to be a care giver.

Also, because it 'is' enough to make someone walk away doesn't make them a bad person. It takes courage to walk away from a potential relationship and recognizing that its not something with which you want to deal is not dishonorable in any way.

Celeste

edited to add: that was a fast reply and not meant for aphacetosit .. though I see it was pretty much just a repeat his/her stance. :) I should have read the thread first.


< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 10/4/2006 1:02:57 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to APhacetoSit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/4/2006 1:03:12 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I had to care for a sick Master with a chronic illness. I knew this going in. I am a nurse so maybe I see it differently than others. I did not have a problem with caring for him when it was needed. I just did it and didnt think about it.  He did not ask me to do this, I just did. Nor he or I found it to be demoralizing.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Horadell)
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RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/4/2006 3:16:36 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Someone here said that we are all human and we all have needs.  I agree.  I also agree that it may be beyond a potential submissive to be able to care for you the way you need.  It does take courage to walk away...and it takes courage to stay.  I don't see why you feeling/being vulnerable at times makes you any less dominant.  If someone you loved was severely injured or died, wouldn't you feel sad?  Wouldn't you want your sub to comfort you?  Aren't you vulnerable then?  As long as you are upfront and honest, I don't see any issue.

(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The needs of the Dom/me in your life... - 10/4/2006 4:42:51 AM   
gypsylee


Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell

it can be said, from reading profiles and postings, as well as with personal experience, the majority of the time during D/s or M/s play, the submissive is usually tending the needs of the one who is Dominating them. But in retrospect, the person who is being the Dominant is usually taking care of the needs of the submissive...

...I posted it here because I want the opinion of submissives and slaves on this... Would the idea of having to care for a Dom/me or Master/Mistress's medical problems steer you away from that person? or would you be happier that you knew what you were getting into before you even contacted them?



firstly, i think it's very important that your potential partner know about your condition. this goes regardless of whether the relationship is vanilla or D/s or whatever.

but having said that, because BDSM tends to involve more 'edgy' play than a vanilla relationship, i feel it's absolutely essential that your partner is fully informed about your medical needs. i have known a person with Narcolepsy and i did a bit of reading about Cataplexy. i don't know how to say this without sounding facetious, but as a sub what springs to mind is being restrained and having my Dom suddenly collapse without me knowing. which obviously could be pretty dangerous.

i know that what you're asking is more generalised than this, so forgive me for honing in on your specific condition and a specific situation.

this is not to say that you shouldn't pursue a D/s relationship because the interaction between Doms and subs vary a lot. but personally i couldn't have a Dominant with such a medical condition.

i do wish you the best and i hope that this doesn't put you off following a BDSM path.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.


(in reply to Horadell)
Profile   Post #: 20
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