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RE: Dos and Don´ts - 7/13/2004 4:00:38 AM   
kiki blue


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Voltare

1) Don't get involved in long distance relationships.
2) Don't get involved in long distance relationships.


So people whose partners have be away, should ditch them? Not just in the armed forces, but people who travel a lot for business, or have to live away. Long distance isn't the problem - people have been having LD relationships for a lot longer than the internet.

quote:


If they cant afford a web cam, they cant afford to be online. Webcams are inexpensive, and cost less then one months internet access for most people.


I have no intention of owning a webcam - I see no point in having people watch me type. Sure, they may see me laugh or get up and leave the room, but that's about it. With digital cameras being everywhere, it's easy to get a recent photo.

quote:


It has been my experience, that someone who says they cannot afford a webcam, is really saying they dont want to admit they have been less then truthful about their appearence. Almost every other reason stems from some sort of lack of sincerity.


Sounds more like you've been burnt once or twice and are now painting everyone with the same brush. I have as much desire to own a web cam as I do a motorbike, and I have no intention of ever getting on the back of one of those things.

To say that everyone who doesn't have a webcam and refuses to do so is either lying about their appearance, and/or everything else, is a greatly uneducated statement.

quote:


4) Don't lie, and do not tolerate liars.


I agree with you there. I have no reason to hide who I am, if someone doesn't like me as I am, then they're not for me, no harm no foul.

quote:


6) Within the first week, talk on the phone. My own advice is in the first two days. If they do not feel safe giving their phone number out, nothing you can possibly do online will convince them that they will be safe. Period.


I don't give my number out to every Tom Dick and Harry that comes along, I'm not desperately searching for anyone. If I feel a connection with them, then I'll arrange to meet, or point them in the direction of my local group. When I feel the time is right, then I'll talk to them. Saying that someone must talk to the other person in 48 hours comes across like someone's desperate to collar or be collared before their eggs expire.

quote:


7) Do 'google' that phone number, and the persons name. That is, go to a search engine and punch in that information.


This goes into the realm of stalking to me, and goes past what I find acceptable.

quote:


8) Do not take any relationship online too seriously. Love, real love, doesnt happen online. It happens face to face, person to person. Let the internet give you a chance to meet at a coffee house or a resturant, but feelings of 'love' online are 95% fantasy.


This comes across as another flagrantly uneducated statement.

quote:


10) If the goal is to live together, the submissive should be prepared to move. There are a few reasons for this, the major one being that money talks louder then any whip, flogger, or crop. If the Dominant cannot afford to provide for the submissive, there will always be resentment.


Only if the dominant party is lacking self esteem. I disagree that it should be the submissive party to always make the move. Each relationship and situation is different, and it should be the person who is more able to make the move, to do it. If the submissive has a better paying job, and the dominant has issues with that, then they're gonna keep having issues til they pull their head outta their ass.

quote:


Until the couple has been together for several months, finances should remain completely seperate. Nothing can undermine a D/s relationship faster then money trouble!


Nothing can undermind any relationship more than lack of honest communication. Money is just one issue that people don't communicate about. Expectations and boundaries are what should be communicated more, rather than who pays for what.

I also disagree that after only a few months should things turn to joint finances. Why should they move in together straight away? Even if one moves across the country to the other, there is such a thing as "taking it slowly", especially if children are involved.

quote:


If you insist on using the internet to meet people, stick to the personals sites, they really do come through with first meetings. Additionally, when you use a personals site, the expectations of love, romance, etc, are not nearly as fixed as when you have spent six months in a chat room with a person.


Again, it depends on the people involved. I don't think we should totally rule out one form of communication or meeting. How about we rule out bars, pubs and clubs, because people there are only out to fuck?

quote:


13) DO NOT engage in BDSM or D/s play on the first date (or first meeting.) Real intimacy comes after nearly a month together - this is when BDSM or D/s will become meaningful (unless your goal is casual play.)


"Real intimacy" is not something that can be quantified by time. I've had more intimate engagements with people in a few months than they had with others over years. Slot your kink in where it feels comfortable, and talk, talk TALK about it before hand, rather than saying "oh, we've been together for about a month now, things must be getting intimate". Some people prefer to move slower, some faster. There is no hard and fast rule.


No matter how a relationship is started or where you met, it's all about communication. You have to know what you want to get what you want. You have to be able to express yourself, your hopes, dreams, desires, wants and needs. You also need to be able to listen to the other person (or people). You have to be willing to compromise.

When it comes to long distance relationships, it's important to have set times to chat with each other, on the net and on the phone. I find rituals help keep you connected - whether you're yet to meet, or you've known each other for years and see each other regularly and can't live together yet, these things are important.

I think if you meet someone online, and you form a relationship with them (because *gasp* it can happen), then having a goal to meet, when able to, is important. You need to have goals to work towards.

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 7/13/2004 11:38:09 PM   
baileythorne


Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiki blue

"Real intimacy" is not something that can be quantified by time. I've had more intimate engagements with people in a few months than they had with others over years. Slot your kink in where it feels comfortable, and talk, talk TALK about it before hand, rather than saying "oh, we've been together for about a month now, things must be getting intimate". Some people prefer to move slower, some faster. There is no hard and fast rule.


No matter how a relationship is started or where you met, it's all about communication. You have to know what you want to get what you want. You have to be able to express yourself, your hopes, dreams, desires, wants and needs. You also need to be able to listen to the other person (or people). You have to be willing to compromise.

When it comes to long distance relationships, it's important to have set times to chat with each other, on the net and on the phone. I find rituals help keep you connected - whether you're yet to meet, or you've known each other for years and see each other regularly and can't live together yet, these things are important.

I think if you meet someone online, and you form a relationship with them (because *gasp* it can happen), then having a goal to meet, when able to, is important. You need to have goals to work towards.


kiki blue,

Thank you for a well thought out response to all of the points above. There is no "one true way" to manage relationships. Anyone who starts giving me rules gets tuned out.

As far as the quote above, very well put. I seem to be embarking upon a long distance relationship though it's not clear where it is headed (see my sig line). We traded many emails and spent over 20 hours on the phone. We also checked each other out through references. That is a benefit of being part of the larger community.

We played within 6 hours of meeting each other. And I have absolutely no regrets.

--bailey

< Message edited by baileythorne -- 7/13/2004 11:39:06 PM >

_____________________________

Dance like no one's watching and
Love like you've never been hurt.

(in reply to kiki blue)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 7/14/2004 1:09:25 AM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		First off, I'll just point out (as Gloria suggested) that this wasn't intended to be the solutions for everyone, but rather a good safe start for people who do not have experience in online relationships. I've broken, and will probably continue to break my own guidelines in time, because I have the luxury of doing so.

The specific concerns with the most attention, essentially the webcam and the search engine, I still hold fast to. Obviously, they don't work for everyone - but I know that I would have saved myself quite a bit of time and effort had I held to this rule more dearly. For individuals where the equipment is an issue, there are cyber cafe's all over most medium or large sized cities, where you can sit (in public) drink a cup of coffee, and use their computers complete with webcam. The significant investment of two or three dollars erases any doubt that the hundreds or even thousands potentially spent on airfare, hotel rooms, phone bills, not to mention the actual investment of time is being well spent. Obviously, some people will not agree - I don't expect everyone to.

As for Google, again, I'd have saved myself the trouble with the 44 year old had I taken three minutes to type her real name in (which is, in the end, how I learned of the deceit.) When confronted with the information, she admitted that she had never really intended to meet, but she could not bear to end the fantasy. Your milage will, of course, vary depending on distance, age, and amount of time and interest you genuinely have in cyber based relationships.

kiki blue - I'll answer most of your topics point by point.

Rule 1 & 2 - I'm not suggesting current real time relationships should be abandoned. In my mind, once you've met and spent substantial time together (again an arbitrary statement) the relationship is no longer 'internet based' but rather 'real time.' For me, that means having had at least three real time dates or more. Having been in the military, and having had to leave a woman behind, I deeply regret trying to maintain the long distance relationship she and I shared for over a year, as it was nothing but misery and guilt for both of us. Those, of course, are my experiences - I'm not suggesting wives and husbands abandon vows, etc - the choice to be in a long distance relationship is obviously up to the couple. My advice specifically stated "don't -get- involved" i.e. don't start them in the first place. I personally think they're more trouble then their worth. I can say this, because I wrote this piece. Naturally, you are welcome to disagree and we can hopefully agree to leave it at that.

Webcam- already addressed, but if you don't want a webcam, don't buy one. It's just my opinion that most people who refuse to be seen on a webcam usually have something to hide. I don't have any desire to see anyone type - it's seeing them live and speaking with them directly that I am addressing. A video phone works just fine. Recent photos don't cut it for me - I've been burned on 'fake' photos far too many times, and without the ability to speak to the person, on cam, real time, there's no way to authenticate them - with the possible exception of Lawrence and bailey who were able to verify references via third parties, due to their organization relations (a great alternative.) My point isn't that you need this piece of technology - it's that some tangible means of verifying a number of issues, easily, and inexpensively has value. A friend of mine recently had a Dom she had been speaking with for over a year online come to her house for 'real life' M/s... only to be more then a little shocked to find he was in a wheelchair. Webcams are just another tool to make interaction more 'live' and erase some of the 'fantasy' element involved with the net.

6) Phone Numbers - I'm not saying give your home number out to everyone. In fact, I'd suggest the opposite, don't give the number out till you feel ready. If emailing daily for six months and hours of conversation every day in IM isn't enough to make you feel ready to give your phone number out, then perhaps it's wise to admit you're not seeking real life interaction with this individual. There's no shame in that - I know I have a few dozen people I have on my IM list who I chat with occasionally, but would no more give my home phone number out then I would twenty dollar bills.

Again, the context of this posting was aimed specifically at long distance, internet oriented relationships. In fact, I said...

quote:

Most of these are geared towards long distance relationships from online, i.e. more then a few hours drive


I'm not sure what sort of people you would normally meet online, but if I was making arrangements to meet a woman from online, and she said "well, fly to the airport, get a hotel, and on tuesday night maybe I'll catch you at the munch..." I wouldn't have the impression she was all that interested in a meeting in the first place. It's not a matter of desperation, or egg timers - it's a way of sorting through the folks who don't talk on the phone, because they have wives/girlfriends/parents who they are trying to keep secrets from, as well as weeding out the folks who are addicted to the net (or net based relationships) and talk the talk - but dont' know a flogger from a 9 iron.

7) - Google. I've made my case for google already on this thread, and on another thread. Feel free to join that debate if you wish. For me, forewarned is forearmed.

8) - Love online is 95% fantasy. I don't see how my opinion on internet love makes what I've said remotely uneducated. Most of my words are spelled correctly, there's minimal typographical errors, and I've supported most of my statements with reasonable arguements. If the material isn't of value to you, I'm sure you can find something more useful to do with your time.

My opinion's not changed - most 'love' online (usually directly after some form of cybersex, and usually within the first week) is no more then the real time version of lust at first sight. Personally, I think love grows from familiarity, over time (usually several weeks and months.) I don't wish for this to detract from those who feel they have found love quickly - I believe a very high compatibility makes the time it takes to feel love shortened, and if anything the internet provides even greater conversation and discussion of those elements of compatibility (i.e. intellectual levels, music, emotional drives, tastes in television/movies, romantic interests, sexual tastes, etc.) I've fallen in love very fast - in a matter of a couple weeks. At the time, it felt like 'at first sight.'

The inherent problem with 'love' online, is that you aren't seeing the entire picture. You're reading, one pixle at a time, about what the other person wishes to show you. You can imagine them in sexy underware and high heels, or in boxers and wearing fantastic cologne as you like. You can laugh about the things you love, and share wonderful stories. There are no bills unpaid, no dirty socks on the floor, no forgetting to shave. The potential flaws (poor spelling or typing skills aside) amount to being late for an 'internet date', or being away from the keyboard too long. There's really very little that can go wrong with internet relationships, and ultimately the person you talk to creates a picture in your mind of what they wish for you to see. Since most of us cannot see how we really are in the first place, the notion that we present who we really are online is near impossible. It's akin to asking the deaf, dumb, and blind men to tell me what they're dealing with - one says it's a lamp post, the other a rock, the third tapping me on the shoulder a lot. None of them can communicate that it's an elephant. Besides, why waste such a beautiful, powerful emotion on pixles? It belongs in person, on real life dates, on flowers, on walks in the park.

10) - Location. I've already qualified this, but I'll restate that if a move is to take place, that it should be the submissive. Even if this requires the Dominant to acquire a new residence in the same city, or even across the street - trying to introduce a Dominant into a situation where the house is owned by the submissive is just asking for trouble. This is doubly so where children are involved - and sometimes children will flat make any kind of 'move' impossible. Then it becomes a matter of sacrificing what you want for yourself, for the benifit of your children - but this is another topic for another day.

Personals sites vs/chat rooms - I've met people from both forums. I just offered what tends to work more effectively for me. I'd be happy to stack my efforts in private, to illustrate why I think this is the case, but I'd say personals are more effective in terms of time, nearly 10 to one. Nowhere did I suggest one form should be ruled out - just that one form is simply more effective.

13) I made it clear, in the first place, this was intended for newbies. Newbies, really shouldn't be playing with -anyone- the first time they meet them, because there's no base of reference to draw from, and CERTAINLY no way to verify that the person they are playing with isn't actually a serial killer, rapist, or any number of deviants that fall into BDSM. This, to me, is the same as saying don't have sex on the first date. It doesn't mean people will follow my guideline - I know I've done it (both sex, and play on the first date.) I also know that I'm experienced enough to know when the risk is minimal, and when to walk away.

As for the issue of intimacy, again, as a general guideline intimacy blooms best in real time. I'm not saying it can't happen online, I'm saying it tends to be more rewarding (in my opinion) in real time.

Lawrence: Congratulations to you and your girl. I wish you nothing but the best! You both are a great example that this place -can- work, in spite of the frustrations involved.

All others: My bottom line is essentially that the net can be a safe, rewarding place to meet other people, either virtually or physically. It can also make you want to cut your eyes and heart right out of your body and send them down the drain. Whichever you find to your tastes, the key is common sense and a sense of fun. If you're not enjoying your visit to cyberia, then don't feel obligated to stay. If it works, go with it. If it doesn't, find something that does. Don't be afraid to try new things, but don't do anything with your body that you don't think it's designed for. Don't trust it to people who are reckless, and don't be reckless with others. Etc etc etc...

Thank you for flying, please return your seats to an upright position and secure your trays.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to baileythorne)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 7/14/2004 5:04:21 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Stephan,

Like most who replied, I'm going to thank you for the post and say that overall, I agree with much of what you said.

And then of course, I'll put my own 2¢ in. I've had 3 LDRs, all BDSM related.

(Note that LDR = Long Distance Relationship and F2F = Face 2 Face.)

I agree with points 1 & 2. You’ll see on my profile that I will only meet local people. After 5 years as well, I’ve decided it’s way too hard on me emotionally.

LDR 1 - I dated a man in Philly for 2 years and we saw each other every 8 weeks. We talked on the phone everyday. We even got engaged. But when we have a long distance relationship, we aren’t being put through the same day to day routine but rather have this *relationship time* which can become almost some kind of escapism. But what I realised 2 years into the relationship was that the time we were apart was perhaps more enjoyable then the time we were together and fell into the whole romance of missing him. All the time we were apart, I fantasised about how perfect the relationship could be and then when we got F2F, I could not help but be a wee bit disappointed. I’m not saying that everyone goes through this, I’m simply sharing my experience. I’ve reflected quite a bit on what happened. That was 5 years ago and I’ve learned about managing expectations, and overall, I’ve grown. Points 5 & 8 really apply big time here.

LDR2 - I went into this one more cautiously. This guy and I realised we worked better as friends and casual play partners as we don’t click in for a long-term relationship. I believe for that meeting I was lowering my expectations (and this doesn’t require lowering ones standards) and retained high hopes. It worked well for me though. In terms of gathering info on this person, he was a published author and journalist so I was able to get quite a bit about him and saw quite a few pics but no cam. Didn’t really need it. He was pretty much what I expected physically. I think that we just simply didn’t click. He’s still a good friend to date.

LDR 3 – Here is where, in my own experience, rule #3 totally doesn’t apply. I’m not going to knock this point because it makes a whole lot of sense (though I’d agree a digital camera is just as good). But at the same time, you have to be willing to give people a little leeway and trust. I spent 3 months talking on the phone and only saw 1 picture of a man in NYC. When I flew down to meet him in person, he was *exactly* what I expected him to be in terms of his mannerisms, his body language, etc. I’d obviously learned from my first experience. I totally fell in love and still have lots of love for this person. This person and I are no longer together but he remains perhaps one of my best friends.

In all 3 instances and in the dozen or so local meetings I’ve had, I’ve been told that I come across F2F pretty much like they expected. And that makes me feel good because I realise that I don’t need a Webcam to be real. I just have to be real about myself and honest with myself and others about who I am.

Yeah #4 (being truthful) is a no brainer Stephan and applies to way more then just LDRs. I’ve experienced more of that in F2F relationships then LDRs to be quite honest.

As for #13 (playing on the first date), well I would say use your judgement. I’ve done it a few times with people I felt completely comfortable with and I don’t see how it affected the overall outcome. I would recommend that people however play safe. I would never suggest tying someone up in the first session for example.

I think I’d add another point to this:
#17 - Follow your instincts. They are rarely wrong.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 8/16/2006 3:20:24 PM   
Riskyssquirt


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline 		I only cam with Master,he bought it for me about 6 months after we started this relationship. We live locally to each other,but its nice in the am to chat and show him so new ideas i may have or clothes/jewerly  i have bought.

(in reply to Mondschein)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/20/2007 10:36:52 PM   
Miraculix


Posts: 37
Joined: 1/18/2007
From: Miami, FL, USA
Status: offline 		A couple hundred years ago (or so) this was a bit different: a guy would come to America (via Ellis Island), and head to California cause he had a picture of his bride-to-be. Of course, the picture had no fishnet stockings legs or a leather scenery in the background, (hell!) pictures had NO backgrounds! It would usually be a dainty-fainty image that wight as well look like Mons Lisa on a rainy day, but that was enough for the guy to go through miles and miles of Indian territory and what not, for over 3 months... :)

_____________________________

I am only in search for that one girl who will be Mine.
In the meantime, I am simply walking through, leaving nothing but My footsteps in the sands of the beach, hearing as the ocean washes them away behind me...
Blessed Be.
Miraculix

(in reply to Mondschein)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 7:09:55 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Well obviously I'm not a true submissive because I didn't follow the rules. I got involved in a LDR relationship. We didn't have web cams. We didn't exchange phone numbers until after two weeks. I did take the relationship seriously. Love did happen online. I was rolling around in the backseat of the car with him on the first meet. BDSM happened on the second meeting. And worst of all, I didn't move to be with him, he moved to be with me.

And we stayed ldr for over two years, and have been extremely happy all that time with each other and still are now that we live together.

(in reply to Mondschein)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 7:24:34 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		~fast reply to no one in particular~.  i owned a webcam once... first off as already stated by many...digital cameras, even the inexpensive ones, have much clearer pictures than webcams.  And believe it or not, webcams lie too. 

Here's one to add to the list:  if someone doesn't have a picture available to share and tells you 'i am in public office and must be discrete'.... runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. 

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 7:30:09 AM   
angaothsi


Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		I hate webcams, I will never own one, I do not wish to "view" anyone else on one. Granted I am also not looking for a relationship but even if I were, webcams wouldn't be the venue in which I would seek one. If not having a webcam makes someone doubt my validity so be it, there choice and it would be their loss.

_____________________________

He says she is immodest; Blames her amiss; What follows more, she murders with a kiss

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 8:03:02 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Long distance or not, no webcams for me.

And I'm not moving - not for anyone. I have other people whose interests take precedence over someone who says "I'm the dominant! I don't move!!" For those folks, I'd be saying "You're the dominant. I'm the mom. Moms trump Doms on any given day of the week and twice on weekends if the kids are home."

Oh...and instead of making all these rules that are kinda silly...(except 1,2 & 4), how about just working on making better choices for yourself.

It's a strange concept.

juliet

(in reply to angaothsi)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 8:20:29 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

I'm the mom. Moms trump Doms on any given day of the week and twice on weekends if the kids are home."

juliet


Truer words were never 'spoken'.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 9:38:42 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Good God, I didn't follow any of these rules and my relationship is working and has been for many years.  What the hell happened????

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 9:56:33 AM   
beticat


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/9/2006
Status: offline 		I'll point out that the OP wrote this just about 3 years ago....
As someone who is new in some ways to online BDSM dating, I appreciate the information provided.  Not as the be-all, end-all, I *have* to do things this way, merely the chance to learn why certain behaviours might need to be looked at more closely in context.
That having been said I'm breaking rules #1 and #2, already... While I haven't met the gentleman in question within two weeks ~ I will be meeting him this week.  That will tell me more than anything else whether we're going to develop a LTR, which initially will be LDR.
And I'll be breaking rule #10. I am not willing to move as I have family obligations that require me to remain at a minimum within 10-20 miles of where I currently am.
I suppose he could buy the house next door... if it's truly important that *I* move...
rofl
Cheers,
Cat


_____________________________

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
-Rolling Stones

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 10:26:37 PM   
reamer


Posts: 57
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline 		don't's:

if someone wants information from you that puts your career at risk, yet does not offer information that puts them equally at risk (by your own standard, even if what they are risking is not career, but merely equal to how much you value your career), do not provide the information.  If they are not willing to play on a level playing field then they are not worth the effort.

do not be guilt tripped by someone with far less to lose than you do into falling into a trap RE the above point.

if you have had a family background that has been by most standards healthy, loving, and abuse free, do not feel pressured to give information or eschew "hard limits" just because someone claims to erotically be able/willing to give you what you want.  Or romantically give you what you want.  Until a meeting and several dates occur, these will be false claims until proven, on either side of the gender yardstick.  Do not feel pressured to allow someone too much data about your own life even if they claim to have been in a group-home or "suffered".  You have no evidence of this online.  And even if you did, it does not matter.  No matter what someone has been through, they do not have the right to put any part of your life at risk just because THEY have "suffered".  They have the right to have you treat them as they treat you, e-mail for e-mail, call for call, date for date, and that is ALL they have.  Male or female.

Do not divulge any personal information that may cause your life to become a wreck, even after meeting someone a few times.  Partners come and go, but reputation can be stained for years.

Do not give out landline #'s versus mobile numbers to someone whom has not actually met you and proven they are what they told you they were.  Anyone whom has not proven such has no right to your landline.  Nor do they have any right to your work information or anything else that they could wongfully abuse until they prove they are at least trustworthy after a meet or 2.

Sex and romance are equal tender and currency.  If you are being asked to provide 80% of the sexual stuff requested but are being offered 20% of the romance you need, you would not accept this in a real estate deal or purchasing a car, you would run fast, so in this case, run again, but faster.  This includes the vice versa of someone asking for 80% of their relationship needs being met while offering 20% of your sexual needs being met. 

If you are not willing to provide a valid pic or clip of yourself (in a non sexual fashion, that does not allow for "wanking"), do not expect the other person to provide something you need if they need to know what you look like :for real".  And vice versa, again.  webcams are not needed.  Both potential partners needs and expectations are equally vaild; if you are uncomfortable showing what you really look like, and the potential partner needs to know that, you have no right to ask them for pertinent information that is equally valid and necessary for your own interests.

do's:

always be a good sport and give as much as you get in this carousel (unless as above the person you deal with is playing around with semantics and "what I need is more valid than what you need").  If a woman offers you a page of e-mail material of a sexual nature, which you value, and wants a page of romantic materia in return ("Porn" vs. "Erotica" so to speak), then GIVE her that.  And likewise.  If you give what the other person asked for and they skimp you in return, DROP THEM.

DO have faith until you are given proper and PRACTICAL/PRAGMATIC reason not to have faith.  Everyone misses a call on occasion, everyone has an ISP fuck up, everyone sometimes send a bad message or e-mail in the heat of a bad day.  It's not the definitive moment in a potential relationship.

DO place yourself in the other person's shoes, rather than just play lip service to that (this one is levied to male and female, sub and dom, everyone misses the mark on this one every so often).

DO remember that life goes on, that even if you are over 40 and a bit overweight, hollywood is wrong, you are not "off the shelf", you have NOT hit your "use by" date, you do NOT have to accept a bad starting relationship even if your inbox is a wee bit empty.

That will change.

DO have faith in that.



(in reply to beticat)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/21/2007 11:03:20 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I'll re-locate. Plus, I own a web-cam.
Almost nothing scares me anymore (really).

Plus, I have lots of common sense, plenty of insurance, my own independent income, and half of my family is comprised of attorneys. So- I feel I am "covered" if anyone gets really, really non-consensually nasty with me. I can tend to get "emotionally involved," perhaps, and lose a wee bit of that common sense as far as someone I am really "into", perhaps (although that is a matter of opinion, surely), but I have friends that will (usually) tell me I am being not cautious enough for my own good, in that case.

I do think some of the advice offerred in this thread is good, though.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/21/2007 11:24:14 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to reamer)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/22/2007 12:05:45 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

Good God, I didn't follow any of these rules and my relationship is working and has been for many years.  What the hell happened????


I am with you on this one. I broke every rule including the playing on first meeting, one quick phone call and being 2 hours drive away from each other. Worse still after we moved in together (yes I moved but that was due to job relocation meaning we could be together) Master gave up his job and started a business so I have been supporting him while the business takes off. 

As for the webcam thing, I do not own one and never will. I have nothing to hide but just do not like them. I still do not understand the people who pm me on yahoo and ask for c2c chat. Why? Its like walking up to someone in the street and demanding they chat to you. Maybe I am just too old to understand.

(in reply to Squeakers)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/22/2007 4:07:32 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		     I just feel if one is mature enough to enter into even a vanilla relationship, they should be mature enough to set guidelines that will work for them.    Even for newbie's in the lifestyle, they ARE going to make mistakes and learn lessons through those mistakes.   It is unfortunate that there are those out there who  make meetings unsafe and that some decide to toss honesty out the window when seeking online; these unsavory people are not restricted to just this type of lifestyle nor online. 
   There are some who use local community places to meet others and run into similar problems.   Yes in those cases, there is no need for web cam nor worry of a LDR but, do you know that that man you found attractive in the local club, danced with all evening, took home and exchanged phone numbers with is NOT married, has not been recently released from an area pen, and that his name REALLY is John Doe.   It takes time to know someone.   Good luck to those who use a laundry list of guidelines to protect themselves from being hurt mentally or physically.   These types of hurts can and do take place outside of the net.   Use common sense and move things along slowly are two guidelines I stand by.     

(in reply to susie)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/22/2007 4:31:09 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Excellently written and very good advice.
 
I personally used People Search to investigate anyone i was planning to meet and i used the kind you pay for.
 
Invasive, yes, but i offered them the same information about me when i asked for theirs.
 
Funny how quickly the marrieds, criminals and fakes disappear when you ask for both lifestyle references and their full name.
 


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Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/22/2007 6:22:58 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		This is good advice, and well thought out.  It's a great help to have guidelines in place that might save someone from making some heartbreaking mistakes.

On the other hand, I've broken most of these rules, and had a wonderful time doing it - don't regret a second of it.

Some of your rules - such as the webcam one, seem to come more from a male perspective - many women won't use webcams for very good reasons.  Finding someone, online or in real, has certain hazards that affect women more than men, I don't think you're really aware of the female perspective on it all.

Good luck with your search, I hope it works out for you.

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dos and Don´ts - 1/22/2007 7:05:43 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		First of all the points made by the OP on the whole are good ones although the absoluteness and gross generalizations of them leave something to be desired but certainly overall I agree with most of them and the overall theme to it outside of the do not do long distance thing which is just not practical for so many for so many different reasons.

I am just not big though on absolutes. Personally, I do not own a webcam (some people are not living life in cyber space), did not talk to my Master on the telephone for 2 ½ weeks from the first message and we live three hours away. On the other hand I will preach the do not get emotionally attached or any emotion at all without meeting real life, do not sacrifice your life outside of cyber for a person on the other end of a keyboard you have not met and to be careful but at the same time avoid trying to be paranoid.

My biggest advice that I do not often read though is you are probably dooming any potential relationship if you are judging the person guilty before innocent. It is a negative vibe that will sink a potential match. There is a big difference between that and healthy and positive attitude while still having your eyes wide open.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 40
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