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I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/5/2006 11:13:57 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I honestly believe that spending time in the public scene is a good healthy right of passage. I also firmly believe that if you stay in it longer than five years or something that that is a sign of sickness to.

I got pmed by someone inviting me to a small event. I asked a few questions and the response I got back was snide and insulting questioning how real I was. The insecurity and animosity present in that and other emails sicked me and just remined me of why I stay out of the scene.

The worst predetory people I have know, some ran groups, many were too passive to deal with genuine problems, etc. I once played with an office of the Society of Janus, I bottomed to her as a "growth" experience early on in my career. The frigging guilt trip she tried to lay on me because I didn't get off on it was shocking. Luckily for me I had advanced enough at that point to see that what she was doing was a crock of shit.

It all sucks because I AM very social and I dig public play I just can't stand being around the dysfunction. I imagine it is worse in say a church group but one would hope we would at least see less of it in our "more advanced" little subculture.

Sorry for the rant, I am just too tired to be nice.

Post #: 1

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/5/2006 11:35:23 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Cheer up love, its friday.
There's plenty of out of the scene activity. Unfortunately, you do have to get out there, to get your fix at some point.
Dysfuncitonal people are there to make us normal ones look cool ya know? They serve a purpose, if not you.

littleone

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 2

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/5/2006 11:45:54 PM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

...I imagine it is worse in say a church group but one would hope we would at least see less of it in our "more advanced" little subculture.

Sorry for the rant, I am just too tired to be nice.

interesting you should mention 'church groups'. i haven't spent much time in the bdsm scene at all but i've spent almost 10yrs in and out of the witchcraft/wicca/neo-pagan/blahblah scene and i can't f'en stand it. that scene is often referred to as bitchcraft.

i do wanna get more involved in the bdsm scene but i'd stick to clubbing rather than get involved in anything 'political'. it all seems to get competitive, narky and just plain annoying.

< Message edited by gypsylee -- 10/5/2006 11:48:51 PM >

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 3

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/5/2006 11:51:51 PM

closertonova

Posts: 50
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

Any advice for a new sub and Dom trying to find community?

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 4

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 1:54:55 AM

fig

Posts: 17
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline

I feel your pain. However, its not limited to the bdsm community. I reckon any group would be like that.

As an organiser of bdsm events (http://www.nimhneach.ie), dealing with people can be frustrating at times, its difficult not to think of the general public as stupid as the lowest common denominator. But they are not, not by a very long shot. Its only the stupid ones that seem to take up a great deal more of ones time (from an organiser pov). But its also a joy to work with the brighter ones.

I like to think of it as a great big lake full of all kinds of everything. Its just what you focus in on is the main point.

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 5

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 2:52:36 AM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

CrappyDom - We were also approached to attend a gathering. Although this one was polite in their reply. I do know that if they turn rough or rude ... I simply don't attend. I have other things I can do with my time and other events I can attend. The community near where I live is a pretty good sized one.

closertonova - Keep plugging away and perhaps retake your 'silly' picture with a 'cleaner' background. Also, perhaps going through your list again, you have almost nothing to do with the lifestyle until you get to the hard limits, then you take all the good stuff away *s*. I would have to agree with the knife play as I am a former cutter, they tend to be things I will not use. What's wrong with a nice clean cage *lol*? Just kidding. Actually, your profile is pretty good. I would just be patient, but do change the picture (the background isn't very neat).

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to fig)

Post #: 6

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 3:08:34 AM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

I'm glad the people I have met so far from the local group here are nice. I'm attending the demo/play party next weekend ( hot damn I got a social life lol

*rolls*). I'll let y'all know how it goes.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to DivaDuchess)

Post #: 7

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 3:45:56 AM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closertonova

Any advice for a new sub and Dom trying to find community?

Sure, heres a link for the state of washington, hope it helps AND good luck. If this doesnt work just google it :)

http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=WASHINGTON+STATE&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to closertonova)

Post #: 8

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 3:57:58 AM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I honestly believe that spending time in the public scene is a good healthy right of passage. I also firmly believe that if you stay in it longer than five years or something that that is a sign of sickness to.

I got pmed by someone inviting me to a small event. I asked a few questions and the response I got back was snide and insulting questioning how real I was. The insecurity and animosity present in that and other emails sicked me and just remined me of why I stay out of the scene.

The worst predetory people I have know, some ran groups, many were too passive to deal with genuine problems, etc. I once played with an office of the Society of Janus, I bottomed to her as a "growth" experience early on in my career. The frigging guilt trip she tried to lay on me because I didn't get off on it was shocking. Luckily for me I had advanced enough at that point to see that what she was doing was a crock of shit.

It all sucks because I AM very social and I dig public play I just can't stand being around the dysfunction. I imagine it is worse in say a church group but one would hope we would at least see less of it in our "more advanced" little subculture.

Sorry for the rant, I am just too tired to be nice.

Coming from someone who was in the (munch-slosh) scene for 5 years, actually closer to 6, I can relate CD.. Hell, in fact in many ways it reminded Me of a church somewhat too, plenty of hypocrisy, biased political (lifestyle) views, cliquishness, the warm hugs behind the flaming, back-stabbin gossip I witnessed. Now I dont mind a workshop or play event, least I dont have to subjected to listening to all the bs while watching them stuff their faces.

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 9

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 5:05:45 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Ack, now everyone has got me back to not wanting to try that venue. I don't need all that drama in real life.

~Big

(in reply to SirLordTrainer)

Post #: 10

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 5:08:13 AM

Silvermoon

Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline

*yawns sleepily* Ok, I'm going to attempt to respond here and seem somewhat co-herent. CrappyDom, I'm with you I understand. I've had many conversations on this topic.
The GTA has hundreds of events, I've attended alot of events..mostly in the search for that 'drama-free zone'. It just does not exist. Sociology 101.
It makes sense really, both in the study of human (sheep) behaviour and combining this with the fact you're putting Dominant personalities together in a rather small confined area, and competing submissives. (Yep I said it, it's like highschool all over again)

That being said, groups can and are fun, it's more a matter of perspective. I don't do drama. PERIOD. No place for it in my life, so it's rather interesting to watch the same situations play out over and over again. Moving from one group to another.
Luckily there's always those few out there that stand on the edges of the 'group mentality' and feel as we do. Those are the people that make going to the gatherings worth it.

Public gatherings are more of a method than a means. It's a way to meet folks, overall, and really it's own 'filter' for deciding who you may and may not wish to befriend. It's a way to open doors to private intimate gatherings. It's the private gatherings, where I tend to find people I truly want to interact with and get to know. As you said, certainly not a place to stay and spend years.

I also tend to find that many of the gatherings have been started by folks who, for one reason or another are shunned from the existing gatherings, thus start out, with 'drama'.

It's a sure fire way to lead yourself to stress, confusion and the overwhelming peer-pressure to conform (again...sheep) If it's not a place you can go to relax, have fun and socialize with peers..yep time to walk away.

I've taken a year off from such events, and it was one of the best things I've ever done. Clear the mind, learn to laugh, make it fun again.

Sincerely.
Silver

_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

(in reply to SirLordTrainer)

Post #: 11

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 5:23:42 AM

zebrastripes

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I honestly believe that spending time in the public scene is a good healthy right of passage. I also firmly believe that if you stay in it longer than five years or something that that is a sign of sickness to.

I got pmed by someone inviting me to a small event. I asked a few questions and the response I got back was snide and insulting questioning how real I was. The insecurity and animosity present in that and other emails sicked me and just remined me of why I stay out of the scene.

The worst predetory people I have know, some ran groups, many were too passive to deal with genuine problems, etc. I once played with an office of the Society of Janus, I bottomed to her as a "growth" experience early on in my career. The frigging guilt trip she tried to lay on me because I didn't get off on it was shocking. Luckily for me I had advanced enough at that point to see that what she was doing was a crock of shit.

It all sucks because I AM very social and I dig public play I just can't stand being around the dysfunction. I imagine it is worse in say a church group but one would hope we would at least see less of it in our "more advanced" little subculture.

Sorry for the rant, I am just too tired to be nice.

The public scene can be quite the learning experience.

In it I learned to be wary of people who CLAIM they want to be your friend.

I learned that if your name did not 'ring a bell' you were just some wanker invading their territory.

I learned that unless you were at least 35 you were 'too young' to hear what they had to say.

Through all of that I continue to attend. There are still a few pros about it so I shut out the crap and pay attention to the good stuff.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 6:04:35 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I got pmed by someone inviting me to a small event. I asked a few questions and the response I got back was snide and insulting questioning how real I was. The insecurity and animosity present in that and other emails sicked me and just remined me of why I stay out of the scene.

The games people play - I'd just PM them back and tell them you're not interested because they're a big fucking drag.

Ya know, nothin' personal, but...

< Message edited by Amaros -- 10/6/2006 6:06:57 AM >

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 13

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 6:23:57 AM

felicitousdove

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/7/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

YEs, and when you drop back out of sight, and steer away from the PUBLIC lifestyle- you get otld you aren't really a lifestyler- because no one sees you around anymore. Therefor you must have gone vanilla!

Ummm who says one can not practice the Lifestyle ina way that is satisfying for them, minus the public BDSM, munch drama, clique, clubs?

*sighs* i guess i dont have very many nice things to say about the PUBLIC lifestyle either. At least not in our community. I totally get whats being said. After more than 7yrs- i am totally burned out on it. Had enough. Content to serve quietly away from the lime light and drama.

_____________________________

"I have often heard the phrse: ‘Sub/slaves are a reflection of their Dominants.’ So if our Dominants are strong, assertive, decisive, fully capable human beings, why should we as slaves be any different?"
~felicitous dove {MH}

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 14

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 6:36:38 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Try changing the group?

Funny, when i started going to Club Chambers over in Tampa.. i heard pretty much the SAME thing. Maybe its all symptematic? (not that i can spell at the mo) Try different groups? Cant be the same every where?? Surely not. Maybe its just the people in YOUR scene. What if you just get involved but ignore all the BS? Surely you must have close friends who arent like that in the local scene? Go and use these places as get togethers with them. Just take the good... and leave the bad? Tho i dunno what its like where you are so i cant really comment too much.

Like even though i heard about x, y,z at the club i go to.. i sorta just ignored it. Stuck the info in the back of my head and made an effort to surround myself with good ppl. Good people by word of mouth. If something bad pops up.. then well i'll know to avoid that person/situation in the future. Funny when i did the bondage scene last time - afterwards the dude gave me so much grief. Because he swore i was lying and he got OFFENDED that i didnt enjoy myself as he wanted to enjoy myself. Did my best to explain that i am abit reserved at first and i get abit anxious in new situations and (at first i was) and into it i really liked it. He dun want to believe me and catch an attitude.. oh well his issue not mine. = ) And now i will just ignore and avoid him. Seems simple LOL

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 15

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 6:39:13 AM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

CD I can understand completly what you are saying. There are also some great posts that basically echo what you are saying.

I enjoy getting out, however I find often the events are pomp and circumstance, who looks the best, who is the most kinkiest is judged on how they look what they are wearing.

I wont even begin to speak about the events that are mostly frequented by the 20somthings who have no idea what they are doing, have no intent to actually find out but they love the fet wear and the "fun" toys. I have seen toys used in very unsafe and potentially damaging ways by this group.

As well there is the point because you asked questions or questioned the individual who pmed you then you must not be real. The only yardstick to real is how often you are seen performing for others.

I can only imagine what is said about Master and I as we have never played publically and we are real, LOL

The only thing I can offer in the way of advice is to do whatever you want, go to whatever function you want and be dammed the rest. But then somehow from reading your posts on here I rather suspect that is exactly who you are

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 16

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 6:47:40 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: felicitousdove

YEs, and when you drop back out of sight, and steer away from the PUBLIC lifestyle- you get otld you aren't really a lifestyler- because no one sees you around anymore. Therefor you must have gone vanilla!

Ummm who says one can not practice the Lifestyle ina way that is satisfying for them, minus the public BDSM, munch drama, clique, clubs?

*sighs* i guess i dont have very many nice things to say about the PUBLIC lifestyle either. At least not in our community. I totally get whats being said. After more than 7yrs- i am totally burned out on it. Had enough. Content to serve quietly away from the lime light and drama.

I agree with what you said here. It's amazing.. if you aren't at everyone's disposal.. you have gone "vanilla".

And what's with the hugging crap in groups? Looking for a soft place to drive in the knife?

Now, to the newby that was all entralled with her first visit to a club and asked why I said "You'll get over it".. THIS is why. Politics, cliques, drama.

(in reply to felicitousdove)

Post #: 17

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 7:03:25 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: felicitousdove

YEs, and when you drop back out of sight, and steer away from the PUBLIC lifestyle- you get otld you aren't really a lifestyler- because no one sees you around anymore. Therefor you must have gone vanilla!

Ummm who says one can not practice the Lifestyle ina way that is satisfying for them, minus the public BDSM, munch drama, clique, clubs?

*sighs* i guess i dont have very many nice things to say about the PUBLIC lifestyle either. At least not in our community. I totally get whats being said. After more than 7yrs- i am totally burned out on it. Had enough. Content to serve quietly away from the lime light and drama.

I agree with what you said here. It's amazing.. if you aren't at everyone's disposal.. you have gone "vanilla".

And what's with the hugging crap in groups? Looking for a soft place to drive in the knife?

Now, to the newby that was all entralled with her first visit to a club and asked why I said "You'll get over it".. THIS is why. Politics, cliques, drama.

What you both said here about sums it up for me. i got tired of the cut throats, the drama queens, those who tried to draw me into their competitions, and gossips circles, and btw, Doms and Masters, were not exempt from being members of the drama queen group! *grin

Hec, there were times i felt like i had to do the Mummers Strut...else i was not in the "in" crowd...yall know who im talkin bout ...those that claim they are "in the know"....*sheesh! LOL!

i was even threatened one time by some chic who wrote erotic fiction out in Seattle, and was told by her groupies, that i better beware whose opinion i disagree with, for this chic has the power to open and close doors in the lifestyle...hehehe....just imagine what my response must have been...grins

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 18

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 7:17:13 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I honestly believe that spending time in the public scene is a good healthy right of passage. I also firmly believe that if you stay in it longer than five years or something that that is a sign of sickness to.

I got pmed by someone inviting me to a small event. I asked a few questions and the response I got back was snide and insulting questioning how real I was. The insecurity and animosity present in that and other emails sicked me and just remined me of why I stay out of the scene.

The worst predetory people I have know, some ran groups, many were too passive to deal with genuine problems, etc. I once played with an office of the Society of Janus, I bottomed to her as a "growth" experience early on in my career. The frigging guilt trip she tried to lay on me because I didn't get off on it was shocking. Luckily for me I had advanced enough at that point to see that what she was doing was a crock of shit.

It all sucks because I AM very social and I dig public play I just can't stand being around the dysfunction. I imagine it is worse in say a church group but one would hope we would at least see less of it in our "more advanced" little subculture.

Sorry for the rant, I am just too tired to be nice.

It's funny...when I went to the local (for the state, not my town) club the first time, everyone was so very nice. I went through the membership interview, the tour, the introductions, observed a demo and then, several play scenes. Since I was alone that night, the submissive who'd been guiding me and asking me about what I liked to play with offered to play with me. I thought to myself "Hey, this is great! What an accomodating bunch of people...nice and friendly, helpful, even willing to sacrifice their flesh (so to speak)."

This outlook lasted until my second visit, several months later. The group of people who'd been so friendly barely took time to say hello. The submissive I'd played with acted as if she didn't know me, though we'd been in contact by mail. I started noticing things I hadn't noticed during my "fog of warm, fuzzy welcome" visit: how many of the dominants hung together, in several groups and that, unless you lived close enough to the city that the club was in to get together with them outside the club, they had little interest in the "out-of-town" dominant; how lacking in even basic courtesy many people...dominant and submissive...were (there's a whole age-related thing here that I noted but let's not go there), etc.. I was thoroughly disappointed. Luckily for me, I had several submissive friends in the city and I spoke to them about their experiences at the club. Several told me this was why they'd quit attending unless there was a demo they were really interested in. A couple of them stated they would go with me when I was in town and that is what I started doing.

As time went on, the club had fewer and fewer people showing up until they eventually shut their doors. Hmmmmmmmmm....I wonder why.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 19

RE: I am so sick of the scene I want to scream - 10/6/2006 7:18:50 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I was thinking of you last night while watching Charlie Rose interview authors Mark Halperin and John Harris about their new book, "The Way To Win: Taking the White House in 2008."

In their view, GWB and Bill Clinton are similar in their focus on delivering positive poltical messages and turning the press and the media toward their own agendas. Gore and Kerry were faulted for being thrown off their games and messages by political attack strategies.

All four of these guys were definitely into the "Public Scene," but you and they would probably agree on how nasty it can get out there.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 10/6/2006 7:19:43 AM >

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 20

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