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Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:18:33 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Now i know i got all of about 3 hours of sleep last night and i know i dont think clearly when i am overtired.  I also know i have alot of ppl telling me "its in the past" as i suppose i'm really good at holding grudges once i feel a major offense has happened. 

Last night i had an "idea" brought to me and well i'm pissed off it was even THOUGHT.  There's a girl i know that lied to me, played games with me and manipulated me to a serious degree about 2 years ago.  Another friend who i have NO CLUE why they are still in contact with the person wanted to know if the girl could crash at my house this weekend.  I seriously just want to look my friend and ask if they're stupid.  Maybe moronic?  Just plain clueless?  i dunno, but i seriously would like to smack my friend upside the head for even thinking that it'd be okay.

Yet.. i'm told "its in the past"  what happened 2 years ago, happened 2 years ago.  People change.  Basically that its in the past, i should get over it, and leave it in the past.  That i'm bringing it back up.  That all these systems of charactor, the fact that i am even thinking about them or having issue with them or the fact that i'd still like to beat the girl bloody - is bringing it back up.  Because it was 2 years ago. (i still dont get the whole concept either.. but it could be lack of sleep)

i dunno, to me.  Manipulation, lying and playing games to the detriment of others isnt something i want to be involved in - whether its in the past or not - keep em out of my life i dont need that shit.  Or hell, bring them into my life and let me teach them the lesson i have yet to teach her.  (i'm also told i should of taught that lesson 2 years ago)

So its in the past.. in the stupid past.  So, am i wrong?  Am i bringing it back up - or is my friend who wants to bring the girl to my house (and even thinking about INTO my life) brought it all back up?  Am i just supposed to let go?  Forgive where i see no forgiveness warrented?  Give second chances?  Forget what i consider a major offense?

does ANYONE else have this problem?  Things that happen in the past that hurt you, upset you, piss you off - still bother you years later?  I guess its called letting go of the past?? 

How do you do that.
Should i?

and really.. am i wrong here?  Cos i've been told by 2 different people that "its in the past".  I hate to be wrong, so if i'm wrong and dealing with this wrong - let me know.  If i'm not wrong, let me know so i can stand my ground.
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:27:07 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		I'm Italian.  I could hold a grudge for years...and I have.  This is a hard thing for me also.  If you find a way to let go then let me know.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:27:21 AM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I would have told her yes, it's in the past and that's where you'd like for it to remain. You do not want it in your present and you don't want murder and prison in your future, so you'll just keep things as they are, in the past, and that the person who is requesting this of you should take notice of that for future reference. LOL
I can let go of things that are in my past, but the reason I can is because that's where I choose to keep them and move on, either forward, or sideways, but definately not backwards.

~Big

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:31:18 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		"Forgiveness is giving up any hope of a different past".
 
Tell the person - face to face - not through your friend, how you feel.  Get your mind straight on her motive.  Proceed from there.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:32:42 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		She screwed you over - it may be "in the past" for her (and,this friend) - but, it is not for you - and you do not owe her anything...
 
It was wrong of your friend to minimize the issue so casually when it is important and near to you.
 
Even IF you forgave her - you would not owe her anything....
And, simply "forgiving someone" does not mean you have to trust them or do them any favors (otherwise they can paint a "kick me now" sign on your rear end).
 
If you could forgive her, it would be good for your mental and emotional health (as evidenced by your sleeplessness) -
 
...but, you still do not owe her anything and/or are required for any reason to do her a favor...
 
David Ben Gurion once said: "Forgive, but do not forget"
 
That is rather poignant in your instance.
 
~J

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:39:10 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		Riot,

There is an old saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".  Even those who "forgive", don't give people who hurt them once, the opportunity to do it again.

There are those who have hurt us who engage in active dialog to try and regain friendships and other relationships.  However, a person who hurt you two years ago and is now just trying to find a place to crash doesn't sound like that kind of person.

Deny her the guest bedroom.

Sunshine




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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:40:38 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		Forgive, don't forget.

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:54:44 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		huh?

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to Amaros)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:56:54 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Forgiveness cleanses us, and is ultimately about the forgiver.  It is never good to carry anger around.  However, that does not mean we should set ourselves up for repeated pain.  I am learning this balance.  I have been hurt by friends in the past as well.  In some cases, I have heard "Oh come on, let's just move past it." without a willingness to talk about it.  To me, that is equivalent to saying, "I don't want to acknowledge that maybe I played a part in hurting you, so can we just overlook it?"  I typically need to talk about an issue before "moving on" with a friend. And I am always open to anyone who wants to make ammends with me about something hurtful that happened.   But if someone who has hurt me refuses to talk about it, or can't acknowledge his/her part in the situation, any meaningful relationship with that person will likely cease.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:59:19 AM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Your friend is wrong you are right.

This person lied to you played and manipulated you seriuously I would suggerst you are the fool if you let this person back into your life.  Even if  I was able to see this person on a social basis and be civil I would be a complete and total fool to let them into my house,  never mind crashing for a weekend?!?!?!?!

One thing you learn in life is to stick to your gut feelings,  that applies to potential partners, friends lovers or anyone else you can add.

Its not lack of sleep is it the sane side of you yelling out to be heard.

Owned

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~~in His Chains i am free~~

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:14:16 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with LordofDiscipline and Sunshine. Go ahead, forgive her, perhaps even be civil if the two of you should meet. Still does not mean you have to welcome her into your home. From the sound of things that would be foolishness on your part.

Reminds me of a situation with my brother and his wife, the great "borrowers". Over the years they have been very good at borrowing things, expensive things, and never returning them. Or, example, I had a horse trailer for sale. They needed one. They did not have the full amount I wanted. I offered to knock a few hundred dollars off the price because my brother had helped replace the floor in it. We agree upon a price. He said, I don't have that full amount, can I give you X amount and pay you the rest my next paycheck. Against my better judgement I agreed. That was 8 years ago and I have yet to see the balance of the $$. Since then they have borrowed all sorts of expensive misc things and only returned 2, one was an expensive saddle I had to go find at another person's house. Recently they moved into a new house on 10 acres. They called my husband and asked if they could borrow MY new horse trailer to move. He told them since it is not his he would ask me for them. I said, no but I will be happy to hook it up to my truck and help them. They got very upset and blabbed all over town what a bitch I was. Finally someone asked my husband (see no one has the balls to ask me for anything or about anything to my face, it's always second or third party). My husband explained that I could not afford to replace a brand new horse trailer and since they had had no respect for me and my property in the past I did not feel like they would this one either. Since my brother's wife, the chief borrower, has not spoke to me since I assume they found out why.

I still love them and if they really NEEDED something like food etc, I would of course give it to them. But they have shown a pattern of behavior and never made an attempt to appologise or make amends. Actions speak louder than words.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:28:12 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Gawd dont you hate it when you type a reply, but take too long as yer thinking about it and the server times out and the reply is washed out?

LOD - i'm not actually exshausted because of her = )  i ended up calling a......  really great person last night and asked if they'd cheer me up. 

Part of my issue with all of this is - my friend who brought up this idea of the friend, was sort of her cohort in what happened.  For one, i'm upset that they're even hanging out with her and for two, i feel like saying "if you want to hang out with the girl thats fine, but i dont want any cross contamination" 

How can they hang out with this girl?  Its like they're saying "hey it was 2 years ago, so now its okay"  And personally, i dont think its EVER okay to treat me like shit.  Past, Present or Future.  I'm supposed to see my friend today, they're coming over and i half want to just tell them to fuck off.. for a really loooong time.  The fact that they brought it up, for me really undermined our friendship. 

No one's answered the "am i bringing up the past and i'm wrong for it" question?  Still not clear on what to do?  Forgive the girl, yet dont let her in my life AND if i forgive her, what does that consist of?  What do i do and how do i treat my friend?

::edited cos i'm long winded::


< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 10/6/2006 7:40:23 AM >

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:31:21 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		Forgiveness sounds simplistic (i mean, how do we REALLY forgive someone who has deeply wronged us?) but it really is the way to go.  i say there are five deadly sins:  anger, hate, guilt, fear and worry.  If you carry any one (or more) of these around forever, it will surely take the form of some physical malady (or maladies).
 
So if you can find it in your heart to forgive her....for your own sake, not hers....you would ultimately be doing yourself a great favor.  But this doesn't mean you have to take her back into your life either.  Some people are just better kept at a distance.
 
Good luck with it.
 
Daddysgirl

_____________________________

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.

Frederick Douglas

"I am in a relationship which employs punishment because it fulfills me to do

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:31:46 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I still love them and if they really NEEDED something like food etc, I would of course give it to them. But they have shown a pattern of behavior and never made an attempt to appologise or make amends. Actions speak louder than words.



Dont they always?  Gawd you can tell alot about some one just by their actions.  So forgiveness to you is - being there if they truely need and being civil?  What if they wanted to come over?  What if they wanted to be "friends" with you?  What if they wanted to act like it just never happened?  Then what?

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:37:14 AM   
TxBadMan


Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline 		Well, from what you have written here, it is obviously NOT in the past. At least not for you.

Personally, I find the actions of your friend suggesting that you let this other girl stay with you to be quite presumptious and rude. But that is just my opinion.

_____________________________

Chris



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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:42:30 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBadMan

Well, from what you have written here, it is obviously NOT in the past. At least not for you.


should it be?

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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:46:29 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I still love them and if they really NEEDED something like food etc, I would of course give it to them. But they have shown a pattern of behavior and never made an attempt to appologise or make amends. Actions speak louder than words.



Dont they always?  Gawd you can tell alot about some one just by their actions.  So forgiveness to you is - being there if they truely need and being civil?  What if they wanted to come over?  What if they wanted to be "friends" with you?  What if they wanted to act like it just never happened?  Then what?



Riot, I may just be a nasty rude old bitch but when I "outgrow" a relationship with a person, it's done. I don't invite them over to hang out, I politely refuse to go to their parties. If I see them out shopping I don't pretend they do not exist but I don't go out of my way to be fake nice either. I guess the best way to describe it is "I remember my manners but remain distant/aloof". I refuse to get snotty or nasty because that only brings me down, I don't want the negative energy. My nature is usually very reserved but friendly. If I really like you then I am less reserved and alot more animated and friendly. If I don't particularly care for a person I am more reserved and less chatty friendly. I have heard it is obvious to those that know me, I dunno because I am just me, I don't see myself as others do so much. 

I guess I find it easy to get out of social stuff I don't want to be a part of without coming right out and saying stuff like "No, I think you are a stupid twat, you get on my last nerves and the very last thing in the world I want to do is spend my precious non-working time with the likes of you" I would be more like " I'm sorry I cannot make it to your party, I just have too much I need to get done on the farm. I've been so busy with ________ that I am terribly behind" Or whatever else I can use that isn't really an out and out LIE that I have to worry about being busted on later. Hey, I am always busy and behind, I always have more stuff to do, places to go, than I have time. All I have to do is find something applicable for the moment and go with it. Or, I will give them the vague "I will do my best, there is alot going on and I am not sure I can make it".

The truth is that, while I would prefer to just tell everyone the truth, I have learned that there are some situations that people really do not WANT to hear the WHOLE truth.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:54:43 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		LaTigresse,

I agree with you 100%.  Once a relationship has been outgrown, it's best to let it stay outgrown.  I can be civil and polite, but the world is full of wonderful, loving people who won't step on you, use you or your possessions with no regard.  Why clutter your life up with the latter when you can have the former? 

Sunshine


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:59:29 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		I have had this situation.. almost verbatim.  I wondered why my friend remained friends with the other one that dumped on me.. well, after a number of years. said dumper hit again..  on my/her friend this time.
 
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  But for me, the one being forgiven needs to acknowledge what they did and maybe even explain to me why they did it.  Maybe this is a girly thing.. but to say "OH..my bad" then  skip off, is not an apology.
 
I had a recent instance where I behaved as a jerk while in Domme mode..totally unlike my true self.  Something I had not done since I was back in baby-boots.  I apologized and in the doing I stated WHY I wanted to apologize and and I meant it.  I was forgiven for my stupidity..and I am grateful.  I learned and I will never behave like I did to any other again.
 
Now having a Pisces Moon.. I shall probably continue my internal self-flagellation until possibly the beginning of next year.

edited because the spell check is NOT perfect.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/6/2006 8:01:37 AM >

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I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 8:02:11 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		So when you forgive some one - you are not "mad" at them anymore, yet you dont allow them in your life as politetly as you can? 

Generally for me, forgiveness is accepting actions that made ammends and sorta like outwardly appearing that it never exsisted yet not forgetting. 

Is what you are saying the appropriate way?  i've never actually forgiven anyone and booted them out. 

how do you get over the anger?  Is it as simple as not allowing it?  Do i just refuse to let it bother me? 

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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