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RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 3:36:42 PM

SirKenin

Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline

You can do whatever you like. Just remember that the only person you are hurting is yourself. If you want to torture yourself for the next ten years by holding a grudge, go ahead. Do not think that this other girl cares, because the chances are better than not that she does not.

It is really in *your* best interest to just get over it.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 41

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 3:48:47 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

but right now i dont care anymore. i just had something REALLY interesting happen. And i'm quite sure what fucking happened. My guinea pig has been sick.. took him to a vet.. been making his food soup and feeding him right and well i thought he was getting better.

but i just took him out of his cage to feed him while i do school work. And like i put some food in his mouth and he just fucking died. Like in 2 seconds. I had no fucking warning. God and instead of like letting him die while being hugged or petted or SOME like happy "place" he died while having food put in his mouth. That sorta like sucks. And i hadnt like taken him out all day to check on him and thats kind of shitty. Its almost like he waited all day just to see me so he could die, which i guess is better then dying by his self. But instead of hug and kiss his little head and rub his ears and whisper what an awesome little guy he is, i walk around holding him and then put him down to shove food in his mouth.

and i tried to do cpr but i totally sucked at it. i didnt want to blow a lung and i didnt want to break a rib cage. It was really very startling. One minute alive and the next minute i'm trying to figure out what to do to bring him back to life. And its been like 20 minutes now so i dont really think there is much i can do. Cept stare at him and pet him and wonder how long i can continue refusing to say goodbye.

So with my friends - fuck them. They can just fuck off for what i care right now.

you know some one told me its a full moon and you know its been a very fucked up weekend.

I believe everything has a purpose... even our pets. I think your guinea pig's purpose was to show you that "life is short and you never know what will happen".

Don't waste a minute on unhappiness.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 42

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 5:03:50 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear K.-

Ya know how Eskimo's have almost forty words for 'snow'? Well, in the Erse/Irish/ Gailic there are almost thirty words for 'grudge'.

Fuck 'em- life's too short to suck up to the bastards. Treasure your friends, but the world will offer a never ending supply of assholes.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

PS- sorry to read of your loss. His life could have been worse, and you have done your best to make it a better world for him. How's the lil girl taking it?

< Message edited by topcat -- 10/6/2006 5:05:03 PM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 43

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 5:08:06 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
does ANYONE else have this problem? Things that happen in the past that hurt you, upset you, piss you off - still bother you years later? I guess its called letting go of the past??

How do you do that.

You never learned to mourn, as was discussed in another of your threads. Consequently you cannot accept loss. This is just a variation of that problem. You lost a friend because she hurt you. She proved to be not the friend that you perceived her to be. Thus you lost the concept of this friend in your mind. It is time to recall and cherish this lost concept and then to say goodbye to it.

The person who she turned out to be, has nothing to do with that concept; that person is a stranger. Therefore she has nothing to do with you and you do not owe her anything.

It is also time to say goodbye to your anger. Your anger is the load that you voluntarily carry with you, like the ghost Marley from Dickens' "A Christmass Carol" carries the heavy shackles of his long chains. Why do you voluntarily carry that burden, year after year? By doing so, you are allowing her to still hurt you. Say goodbye to that anger. Let the universe carry that weight instead of you. Simply say: here, universe, I am done with this and it is yours now.

As for your intermediate friend, she knows the evil of the one that hurt you. That she still consorts with her, shows that she does not truly care about you. Try to meet new people and to make new friends.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 44

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 5:57:57 PM

swtsouthernsub

Posts: 477
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline

It took me many many years to forgive a certain person of very damaging harm to me physically,emotionally , spiritually , as well as mental
but after i sat down wrote that person a very stronge indepth letter of how they hurt me it was as if a burden was lifted
i know longer beat my ownself up over the past for now in the past move on people do change and people do deserve the benifit of the doubt ive forgiven them but i shall never forget!!! if its nothing but sitting that person down and speaking how you trully feel go for it you will feel better and possibly be able to let it go you dont have to associate yourself with that person after you've said your mind that is forgiven and just dont forget good luck

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 45

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:20:49 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

And its been like 20 minutes now so i dont really think there is much i can do. Cept stare at him and pet him and wonder how long i can continue refusing to say goodbye.

Riot, (hugs ya); call me crazy, but I believe your pet chose his time to die to help you learn to let go, not just say good bye to him, but also say good bye to your anger. When you bury him, bury your anger with him. That is his gift to you. And then stick to your guns by continuing to refuse to have anything to do with this ex-friend.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 46

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 6:44:21 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

No one's answered the "am i bringing up the past and i'm wrong for it" question? Still not clear on what to do? Forgive the girl, yet dont let her in my life AND if i forgive her, what does that consist of? What do i do and how do i treat my friend?

Hello A/all,

I dont think anybody is wrong for bringing up the past. The past is where we get
to watch things happen and learn how to proceed.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Saying "No" and "I dont feel comfortable with X" is not really about forgiveness.

You, like everybody else out there, have a right to your own feelings. To me, forgiveness is about letting go of one's anger and moving yourself forward. It is not about doing things the same way you did them before and waiting for them to give you more chances to have to forgive them.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 47

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:08:08 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Hey Lawerence,

Well she's taking it okay i suppose. At first, she was comforting me pretty okay, heck she was looking towards getting another. When a friend of mine convinced me to bury him, cos well i just didnt want to say goodbye yet, she cried alittle. Burying him, i wanted to clobber her because she was more interested in playing in the hole i dug and with the dirt then anything proper. She was TOSSING dirt around and having a jolly old time every now commenting "wow mom, thats alot of work" Bout dinner time i guess it hit her cos well she was crying every 5 minutes. = ( Did my best to cheer up her, make her some yummy food, attempted getting her to laugh (worked worth diddly squat), of course do all the mommy huggy stuff and then we climbed into bed together ate dinner and watched one of her favorite shows till she passed out. She's generally a real trooper at this stuff. She generally handles it all better then i do, sometimes to the point of me being amazed. Dur, not really sure what to do as every pet thats died she's been over it quickly with only random "missing" spells.

true that on the grudge. Oh i am so terrible at letting go of anger. REading all of what you said - i need to work on letting go of the anger and you all have really given some great tips on doing so. Hopefully, tomorrow when the sun comes up bringing another beautiful day i'll be able to put some of your suggestions into practice.

Well tell you all what! I learned alot more about anger, grudges and the consquences of what holding onto it can do to you then i ever did. Gee, like you know its bad, but the whys and wherefores never really dawned on me so much.

what a great thing to learn

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 10/6/2006 7:17:30 PM >

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 48

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:17:40 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

My parents had a guinea pig once - before my time. In the autumn it died on them. They were very sad. So they buried it. It was only much later that they discovered that this kind of animal hibernates. The unfortunate little animal was just going about its business snoozing the short days away when it was buried alive. That saddened my parents even more.

I am sorry for your loss, RiotGirl.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 49

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:20:09 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

oh and i gots to say

Sinergy, i love that last line you have about

"Just me, could be wrong, but there you go"

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 50

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:22:15 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

As for your intermediate friend, she knows the evil of the one that hurt you. That she still consorts with her, shows that she does not truly care about you. Try to meet new people and to make new friends.

Bam!! You put into words what i feel. Very well usually too. You've that knack. Shows something doesnt it?

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 51

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/6/2006 7:36:21 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

My parents had a guinea pig once - before my time. In the autumn it died on them. They were very sad. So they buried it. It was only much later that they discovered that this kind of animal hibernates. The unfortunate little animal was just going about its business snoozing the short days away when it was buried alive. That saddened my parents even more.

I am sorry for your loss, RiotGirl.

holy crap that would devastate me. Your poor parents!

i had another guinea pig once who Rocked just as much as the one i just had does. He was a cool little dude, hell they both were. He died cos well the vet was a moron and i was right and no one would listen and they wouldnt do crap so i took him home and later that night he started going into siezures in my arms and THEN my mother realised i was right and he needed to go to a hospital died before we could get off our street. Strange and abit horrifing to be feeling a small creature going rigid and then relaxed over and over in arms before they keel over.

this little man here.. well it was touch in go for about a week now. dur i thought he would live. He lived past the first night when i was sure he was gonna die.. and well kept living. And all of a sudden, he just fucking keels over. Man he was so cool.

I would let him run around in my garage and every now and then as i'm going about my business i would call him and he'd always answer. He'd always start squeaking at me. He knew who i was too. Soon as i walked in the house, he would start squeaking like a mad hatter.. soon as he heard me. When he wanted more veggies, he's start creating such a racket. LOL its why we named him Squeaky! Cos gaaaawd he knew how to use those lungs. Heh, he used to taunt my cats too, the little bugger. He had no fear. Stick his nose up at them and was like "bring it on" hell he'd walk over to them. And my kitten did try and bite his head once.. so its not that he had no clue. And he was BEST friends with my dog. My poor dog. When i put his box into the ground, Sunshine just laid there on the edge with her nose over, looking down. I almost felt like she was saying, what the hell are you doing with my friend?? Animals can sense death i think.. so she had to of known, cos well i told her. The two of them literally cuddle the best a dog and guinea pig can. He just had this really cool personality and like he really knew what was going on.

All my animals hollar at me one way or another. Der spoiled and always want something. I sorta liked his hollaring the best. It wasnt my dogs way of getting in my face when i'm trying to sleep with that persistant "pet me, let me help you and get my head under your hand" or my Socks' way of meowing at me every 4 seconds for gawd only knows what. She's such a snot. Nor was it Snow's way of hollaring at me when he see's i have food and i'm not sharing. heh. Or the kitten who hollars and says "pick me up so i can bite you"

and i know how ppl think.. they think.. pet.. guinea pig.. But man - every creature has a personality. And i DUN care what ANYONE says, they're like little people. You know his special little personality is forever gone and that really blows.

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 52

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/7/2006 6:18:15 PM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

....lied to me, played games with me and manipulated me to a serious degree .... ask if they're stupid. Maybe moronic? Just plain clueless? i dunno.

does ANYONE else have this problem? Things that happen in the past that hurt you, upset you, piss you off - still bother you years later?

Hello RiotGirl

I don't tend to hold grudges.

However, right now there are a couple of people who I wish/want/need to talk to, to clear up misunderstandings and to learn the truth. I could imagine they would like clarity too, although I feel too humble to say this, really.

It hurts. Who is my friend? Enemy? I hold no serious grudge...

I have no exact advice for you, i'm afraid.
Just empathy.

I need to be brave....

all the best, fawne

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 53

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/7/2006 9:53:37 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

I have always tried to forgive the people who have hurt me in life, hopefully I have succeded.
However, for me, the act of forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with allowing them back in my life. Forgiveness is a way of moving on in my life. When I have harbored resentment or bad feelings toward some one the only person who was getting aggravated was me. The object of my anger or grudge was carrying on merrily with life and I was stewing.
I do not neccesarily "forgive" them with words and a conversation, but in my mind.
So, no RG. I do not think that just because the actions are in the past, that you should feel any obligation to open your arms to them. Forgive them, perhaps, works for me, but I am sure not for all.

Soo very sorry to hear your little friend passed away....you are absolutely right when you say that their little personalities are gone forever. It sucks.. and it hurts.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to Fawne)

Post #: 54

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/8/2006 7:43:32 PM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

" call me crazy, but I believe your pet chose his time to die to help you learn to let go, not just say good bye to him, but also say good bye to your anger. When you bury him, bury your anger with him. That is his gift to you "

Wow. Thanks, catize.
That is deep. I believe in syncronicity. Little things can guide us and enlighten us to the larger picture. Everything happens for a reason. There is harmony, if one is in touch.

Bless the guinia pig... and let go the grudge.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 55

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/9/2006 4:13:13 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

RiotGirl,

Being able to say "she's human, and fallable, and sometimes we do things that are just fucked up and sometimes we have far to go on our journey" is not the same thing as saying "Hey, sign me up for more of the same!" Because you can say "I understand your human frailty (emotionally weak, dishonorable, stupid, whatever) and forgive you for it" is not the same as saying "and because I know you are frail I will let you into my life to continue your patterns on me."

The final authority on what you allow into your life is you. You don't need a reason or a justification, you don't owe anyone an explanation, the only authority you have to answer to in regard to whether you think your choices are good for you is you. Frankly, in your situation I'd be thinking about cutting the friend who doesnt respect my wishes out, too. She sounds like a walking drama invitation. How much drama do you LET into your life? Does life throw enough at you or do you allow others to foist still more on you?

The fact that you're still upset suggests there is some forgiveness yet to make, with yourself. Forgive yourself for making a poor call in allowing someone like this into your life. Compassion with others begins with compassion for yourself. Just as you would promise someone else you've hurt that you won't do it again, make that promise to yourself and then police yourself to make sure you keep it.

Nobody else lives in your skin and nobody else has the right to tell you your feelings are right or wrong. There are no wrong feelings, only wrong actions. Consider minimizing time with people who do not respect your right to choose as this is just an extension of not respecting you in general (you deserve better in your life). If you have forgiven yourself, and subsequently the person who did you ill, then you can set and maintain these boundaries without need of aggression.

Failing that, I see no reason why a grudge has to be a bad thing. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and if holding that grudge reminds you to not set yourself up for more of the same then so be it.

But be kind to yourself, and don't set yourself up for more of the same. If you DO decide to take the risk, then realize that you are responsible for allowing it, come what may.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 56

RE: Its in the Past.... - 10/9/2006 4:46:10 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

does ANYONE else have this problem? Things that happen in the past that hurt you, upset you, piss you off - still bother you years later? I guess its called letting go of the past??

How do you do that.
Should i?

You can't let go of the past because the past is who you are, however, you can choose how to go into the future.

As for grudges and if you think someone deserves the attention, get even when the time is right but don't let it consume you and don't let it stop you from living.

I had a dirty trick played on me several years ago that I can't and won't forget but I don't let it consume me anymore. I just let her know I'm still alive and breathing and I haven't forgotten I owe her big time. She can deal with it.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 57

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