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The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 12:58:57 PM   
fckmeimirish


Posts: 27
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline 		Alllright ... I have been running into this a great deal, and it has me curious about what the rest of you think on this subject.  Experience.  Every Dom/Master on the site are citing how many years of experience they have.  Every sub/slave is talking about how much they have ... and they are concerned how much a Dom/Master has.

Here are some subquestions to help jumpstart the discussion:

1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?

3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?     
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 3:22:52 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fckmeimirish

Alllright ... I have been running into this a great deal, and it has me curious about what the rest of you think on this subject.  Experience.  Every Dom/Master on the site are citing how many years of experience they have.  Every sub/slave is talking about how much they have ... and they are concerned how much a Dom/Master has.

Here are some subquestions to help jumpstart the discussion:

1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

You have a reasonable expectation that they know what they're doing and how to handle most situations.  And there is also a probability that they're telling fibs to lure those subs seeking "experienced" Doms.
quote:

2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?

It means you have 12 years experience at tying girls up and playing with toys - as would many vanillas indulging in similar kink.  Domination within a relationship based on a control dynamic is a whole other level as it extends way beyond just ropes, toys and kink in general etc....
quote:

3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

A professional accepts (and expects) payment for what they provide.  Again, the consumer has an expectation that the service provided from any professional will justify their expense but it's also a case of "buyer beware", particularly where sex and/or kink are concerned.  I doubt any pro dom/me (or sub) has any more official qualifications than the average hooker.
quote:

4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?     

My late Mum yousta cynically say any career carrying the tag of "profession" basically means they can't be trusted with your money.  Think lawyers, accountants, doctors, real estate agents and salesmen in general etc. 
 
As Clint Eastwood said in "The Rookie" - "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster!"  Question really is, do you believe sex with a hooker would be better or worse than making love with someone you have emotional attachment to?  As far as D/s goes, I've always said it's not what I do with/to my sub but totally about who I'm doing it with/to.... 
 
Focus.

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 3:52:53 PM   
SirMoi


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/9/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I've been a lifestyle Dominant for over 10 years and, although I'm highly skilled in some things, I have no skills in others. So...time in the lifestyle brings no guarantee of anything regarding abilities. I've also met Doms who have been at it for 20 or more years whom I wouldn't trust to walk my dog. A good question to ask is, 'who was your Mentor?'

I've met so-called 'professionals' who may have been skilled in a craft, but didn't understand some critical aspects such as safety and respect. So calling oneself a professional does not necessarily mean much.

Also keep in mind that there are Dominants and there are Tops, and they can be quite different. As a Top, you are simply the one applying the stimulation in an activity to the bottom and you may or may not be in a relationship with that bottom or another.

A Dominant, however, tends to be the one who is 'in charge' of a relationship and has a greater burden of responsibility for the submissive in areas of guidance and development.

You might consider bottoming for some activities and be the recipient of the stimulation. This does not mean that you are any less, and you'll gain knowledge and respect among those who count. Most highly respected lifestyle Doms and Tops whom I know personally have bottomed for activities. All you need to do is pull out a violet wand at a play party and you'll see the Dommes fighting to get in line for their turn to receive the stimulation. *grin*

That's more than 2 cents worth and there are obviously more answers to your questions, which I hope that others will continue to share with you.

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 4:09:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fckmeimirish
1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

Nothing.

quote:

2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?

It means you have 12 years of exploring kinky relationships and activities.  Whether you consider yourself a dom through that whole time is up to you.

quote:

3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

Nothing, other than they have chosen a difficult career path without much security for the future.

quote:

4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?     

No experience with any professional is guaranteed, but when someone contracts with a pro it's because they want a particular experience that they feel only a pro can provide- no chit chat, no wooing, no after date calls, no girlfriend drama, just play- how they want it.

And the only difference between a pro and anyone else is what their particular profession is.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 10/6/2006 4:10:14 PM >

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(in reply to fckmeimirish)
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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 7:59:59 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

Not a whole lot. Experience does not equal ability.
quote:

  2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?


No, I would not say that it means you have 12 years experience. However, it may get you entrance into the kink club.
quote:

  3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

This tells me nothing about their particular skills. It does however tell me that they get paid for what they do.


_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 8:25:11 PM   
Iskander


Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		I have experienced music all my life, yet I still can't sing a note in key or play an instrument to save my life...

Iskander...



(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 8:46:21 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		10 years means they saw a porn picture and jacked off 10 years ago, got into the scene last year and collared someone 6 months ago.

People pay for pros for the most part because they can't get it any other way.

I have seen plenty of wonderful people enter the scene who after six months I would loan a submissive to long before I would turn my back on one with 10 years while they are simply talking to someone of mine.

Experience queens are like size queens, not worth the effort and too flaky to bother with.  Read how LA describes experience and I bet she has more than 10 of the rest of us rolled into one.

(in reply to Iskander)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 8:58:21 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fckmeimirish

Alllright ... I have been running into this a great deal, and it has me curious about what the rest of you think on this subject.  Experience.  Every Dom/Master on the site are citing how many years of experience they have.  Every sub/slave is talking about how much they have ... and they are concerned how much a Dom/Master has.


Not everyone is citing their years of experience.

quote:


1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?


Absolutely nothing.

quote:


2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?
no... it tells me that you have 12 years of experience using props and toys during the act of sex... of course... that is still nothing because 12 years doesn't indicate any frequency.

quote:


3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?
on says they get paid for what they will do... expresses nothing of there skill set or ability.

quote:


4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?     

the professional does it for money... the rest of us do it for free.


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 9:24:59 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Most dominants that I have talked to that claimed vast amounts of experience became recalcitrant when asked exactly what they meant by this... I would rather have talked with a total BDSM novice dom than some of those who claimed 20 or more years experience. There was only one I ever talked to about 3 years ago that I believed in his proclamations of lifestyle savvy leading back 25 years... and I believed him because of the type of career he had, and connections he had, and he has no reason to lie about this stuff ( I checked all his references and still never ended up submitting to him... but at least he was what he said he was, and we remained friendly  because of shared interests for quite a while until he did find a sub that suited him).


The real kicker for me is doms that claim 10 years experience because they had a submissive girlfriend for 2 months and this qualifies them as "dom" for 10 years... that is no where near the realm of intellectual honesty.

My Daddy never misrepresented himself experience wise..in my mind it can set a dominant up for failure to have a cow-eyed submissive convinced they are an uber dominant that knows how to use every implement in the kink store down the street. It can be dangerous when someone does not want to admit their lack of experience and look dishonorable...







_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/6/2006 11:54:32 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear fckmeimirish, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
You wrote;
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: fckmeimirish

Alllright ... I have been running into this a great deal, and it has me curious about what the rest of you think on this subject.  Experience.  Every Dom/Master on the site are citing how many years of experience they have.  Every sub/slave is talking about how much they have ... and they are concerned how much a Dom/Master has.

Here are some subquestions to help jumpstart the discussion:

1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

The amount of years, doesn't mean much, unless skills match up to consistant practicing of the 'arts' of D/s.  There are some who identify 10 years behind the Personal Computer, as Dominant but, couldn't flog themselves out of a wet paper bag.  I would also have these 'experienced' ones demonstrate their skills first before having them hit a human.  The same can be said with those who claim 20+ years; have them hit targets that you call and set up.  Some 'dominants' have selective skills also.  So, that should be considered.

2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?

You would be in my mind's eye, a kinky sex explorer.  You did what was fun sexually but, the question I proffer is--was it safe, was there awareness of risks.  There is a difference between kinky sex, controlling and domination.  A dominant personality, is just a personality trait; dominance is an art form.

3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

Professional doesn't mean that they are skilled.  Lot of Pro-dominants may be skilled and get money for services rendered but, there is not license, regulations or tests they have to pass as to be qualified so, it really is in the best interest of those who go to Pro-Dominants to have them demonstrate their skills and ask a lot of questions, inspect their toys/tools, ask about sanitary issues with their equipment, as leather can never be totally sanitary as it absorbs fluids (leather is animal skin).
 
The professional submissive, rare but not unheard of; will most likely negotiate with the client, may wish to see the toys to be used, may wish to see your skills levels before putting themselves in a bondage where there is no escape or, may have a buddy there for safety.
 
In summary, 'professional' is not a guarantee that they know what they're doing but, it is a guarantee that they'll want money or gifts.

4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?    

There is no guarentee that anybody professional or not will be better than anybody else's.   With those who don't pay but, do it for the sake of doing it; will not hurt the piggy-bank per se.  There are also some states/commonwealth that consider Pro-domination in the same category as prostitution.  Although not all pro-dominants do have sex with clients; those who do run the risk of such associations to prostitution and their clients do run the risk of being charged as 'Johns.'
 
In summary, you must decide for yourself what is best.  The only thing anybody can do, is research and ask questions, follow your gut instincts and value yourself as to not put yourself in a compromised position, especially when it comes to health and safety.



Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 1:31:08 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Years of experience mean something only if the Dom learned from the experience.  My Dom has 16 yrs experience.  However i had to ask Him how long it had been.  He also is not afraid to say I don't know how to do it or I need some help learning to do this.  I think over all that is part of what i fell for.  The honesty, caring and behavior speak much louder than 16 years of experience ever could.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 6:01:26 AM   
pinkee


Posts: 487
Status: offline 		i tend to look askance at claims made by Men as to number of years of experience, particularly when, having done the math, the Man seems to be claiming His experience commenced in junior high.  To me, this is akin to claims of being "Old Guard". 
 
My reading on the "Old Guard" has tended to show this term refers to discharged Second World war veterans, mostly gay, who dressed in leathers, rode motorcycles, and had kinky sex, thus allowing it to filter into the hetero community over time.  By now, Second World War veterans are in Their 70's, at least.  So a claim of being "Old Guard" by a Man who is say -- 30'ish -- strikes me as mere puffery.
 
In the end, there is no substitute for getting to know a Man in real life, taking it slow, using reasonable safety precautions, and listening to your own inner voice (IMHO).
 
pinkee 

< Message edited by pinkee -- 10/7/2006 6:03:56 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 6:23:01 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		i like to look for "flight time" but that still doesn't imply quality time.  i know many tops who have been using a whip for 10-15 years.   Their skills are all across the board.   One does 3 hours per day plus 5 on Sat and 6 on Sunday every other week.  That's 26 hours per week "practicing" whip targeting... take out 2 weeks for colds and flu.. that's still 1300 HOURs per year, hefty flight time.

Does that mean other tops i know who have perhaps 3 hours twice a month over 5 years unsafe?  not really...   i know bottoms who are quite satisfied with the skill level of Tops that lift whips 5 times a year on special club nights.  my own "First-space" i was ever in was with a Top who used His whip once a month, and "practice" was rolling the whip to pack it up for a play session. It was more about my mindset that put me there than His vast experience. <shrug>

All this on ONe aspect of WIITWD.  Those same factors would apply in relationship management, rope skills, needleplay.. and really, a Dom can be a Dom with no flight time on physical play at all.  

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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 9:16:06 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

1.  When a Dom/me says that they have 10 years experience as a Dominant ... what ... in detail does that tell you about their specific abilities?

Sweet fuck all

quote:

2.  Since I have been tying girls up since high school and using props and toys during the act of sex (which made me VERY popular with the girls, I might add) ... does that mean that I have 12 years of experience as a Dominant ... even though I didn't know what BDSM was at the time?

Sure, if that's how you want to look at it why not, I see no reason why you shouldn't be afforded the same privelidges to "fudge your resume" as the 18-year-old subs with "10 years experience"

quote:

3.  When someone calls themselves a professional Dom/me ... what ... in detail does that tell you about this person's specific skill set?  What about the less common Professional Submissive?

Sweet fuck all, it tells you that they do something related to BDSM in exchange for money

quote:

4.  What differentiates a professional from everyone else ... besides being paid for it ... and why would my experience with a professional be guaranteed to be better than with anyone else such that I would actually consider paying for it?     

Other than being paid for it, there is NOTHING that differentiates a pro from a non-pro, and there is nothing at all (or to continue the theme of this reply...sweet fuck all) that guarantees that your experience with a pro would be in any way satisfactory at all...it might be a collossal waste of time and money, or it might be pure ecstasy, or you might end up in a lot of pain...being a pro is in no way related to skill or competence, neither is claimed experience. You pays your money and you takes your chances.


_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 12:18:27 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		 
 I think fckmeimirish has an excellent solution for those subs or doms who find themselves on the recieving end of an announcement that he/she has yada yada yada expereince. 
A novice of any sort in BDSM would want to know exactly what critieria that means...as per the OP's suggestions.  But alas, many nocive's dont ask specifics and then get burned.
 
In regards to the D/s part of BDSM, getting to know someone as a human being is important.
I would think discussing kinks and expereince in BDSM paly is only part of it all.
 
bottoms and Tops are really needing to ask these specific questions when it comes to experience.

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 1:01:14 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		How many years doesn't equal how experienced and proficient they are at various things in bdsm. I take claims of x number of years with a grain of salt. I want to know what they have tried and how much they've used various implements, how good they are with it, etc. and telling me you've been into this for x number of years just doesn't tell me anything.

_____________________________

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Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 1:07:39 PM   
Sab


Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline 		25 years in and around the world of D/s and still know f*ck all - I am learning with each day that comes. Reading, learning - you NEVER know everything, but you can learn something from a lot of people if you wish to do so. 

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RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 2:33:16 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		It doesn't tell you anything.....When you get to know someone you can begin to see whether someone with *20 yrs experience* has just repeated the first year 20 times......lol

agirl

(in reply to fckmeimirish)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 2:51:09 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iskander

I have experienced music all my life, yet I still can't sing a note in key or play an instrument to save my life...

Iskander...





((CLAPS)) This was very very well put Sir... I can think of nothing to add to this just that this was a wonderfull reply and hit the nail on the head

Magik's impressed slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Iskander)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The definition of experience ... - 10/7/2006 3:24:26 PM   
MasterWildnHard


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		When I use the term experienced it means I have had live in subs and that I am willing to work as hard on the relationship as any potential submissive, I wish I would have said that music line. I personally view this as akin to when I was a Radio Jock,
Yep we used spin vinyl with needles tracking the grooves. I couldn't resist that.  So back when people who wanted to be a DJ would come into the station, some would say I know how to use a mic and I know how to talk. But combine a microphone, a clock, a hundred records and then take away any script and they would freeze. Being a Dom is alot like that you have to know the tools and  how to use them. Before you can play the music. It takes practice. And it takes work.


_____________________________

" A man has got to know his limitations"
Clint Eastwood The Gaunlet.
For the rest of the citation Look it up LOL

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
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