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RE: vanilla back-up - 10/6/2006 11:59:46 PM

Iskander

Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
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It does kind of remind me of one time when I was on the back of my mates Harley with a case (30 cans each) of beer under each arm, it was cold and wet, and at some lights a guy in some cheap car winds down his window and says "I'm jealous", and I was just thinking, right now I'd rather be in the car coz my arms are getting tired..

Iskander...

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 21

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/6/2006 11:59:55 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Life challenges do sometimes slow down the D/s sex but doesn't necessarily slow down the other aspects of D/s. When my vanilla husband died my Dom was there maybe not in person but i knew He was always there. Now as a single parent my ability to get away for play is a bit harder. Before my husband covered for me and encouraged me to follow my needs with the only requirement being i had to also make sure "he was well taken care of too". That was his way of saying play your way then we play mine. I loved my play and was ok with his, but it was not as exciting and pleasureable.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 22

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 12:02:34 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Having an underlying relationship is important. Whether it be particularly vanilla or not, I dont know. I would not say Angel and I wil ever have a vanilla relationship. I dont think we can relate as equals that way. From day one when I met him, he has always been the submissive partner, and cannot change his nature. We can act acceptable to the vanilla public, he is viewed as the doting boyfriend. However, our underlying relationship as it is is string enough to withstand 4+ months of separation, a week vacation together where we met his friends and no one knew a thing.
The thing is, however you and your partner relate, its important that that relationship come before al the BDSM activities. If you cant connect without the kinks and whatnot, then your relationship might not have a leg to stand on if there is a problem. And unfortunately, a ot of people find that out AFTER the problem arises. Hindsight is a bitch.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 23

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 1:13:50 AM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Having an underlying relationship is important. Whether it be particularly vanilla or not, I dont know. I would not say Angel and I wil ever have a vanilla relationship. I dont think we can relate as equals that way. From day one when I met him, he has always been the submissive partner, and cannot change his nature. We can act acceptable to the vanilla public, he is viewed as the doting boyfriend. However, our underlying relationship as it is is string enough to withstand 4+ months of separation, a week vacation together where we met his friends and no one knew a thing.
The thing is, however you and your partner relate, its important that that relationship come before al the BDSM activities. If you cant connect without the kinks and whatnot, then your relationship might not have a leg to stand on if there is a problem. And unfortunately, a ot of people find that out AFTER the problem arises. Hindsight is a bitch.

DV

damn straight DV but hey, live and learn...

re Harleys. all i can think of when they're mentioned is a gay housemate who would exclaim, 'i'd like to ride him like a Harley on a rough road!' whenever he saw a vaguely good-looking guy.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 24

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 2:39:50 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I sort of agree and I sort of don't. And, because I'm single, its a little hard to apply to my situation, so take what you can out of the following and leave the rest...

When I first started actively exploring D/s and bd/sm, my children were living with my ex-husband because we had decided it was the fairest arrangement. When we had married, I had subordinated my academic aspirations to his, and did the stay at home wife/mother thing, so when we separated he was in a much better professional position. At the time of our separation, he accepted responsibility for our children so I could concentrate on pursuing an academic career. (He bailed out of this arrangement, but thats another story.)

So, when I first started exploring, I had no day to day responsibilities beyond taking care of myself and keeping up with my school work. I was able to devote a substantial amount of time and energy to "play" so I tended to play hard, took a lot of risks and let "the life style" more or less take over my life. Nothing really suffered, as I was making good progress with my degree and that was my only serious "vanilla" comittment .

About two years into my explorations, my ex-husband had the proverbial trainwreck, and, without out any warning, my children came to live with me and I had to shift from pain slut to mommy really fast. For a while, I tried to pursue both but wasn't able to, and discovered I couldn't
care for my children properly while taking two heavy beatings a week and remaining focused on my Dominant. I'm good, but not that good. So, I had to make a choice, and I eventually decided to radically ease up on play while I got things sorted.

I tried to keep the basic relationship in tact with my Dominant but he took my backing away personally, and kept pressuring me for more and I couldn't deal with that while trying to foster a solid relationship with my children so I ended up easing up on him, also. My kids had gone through hell in the last months living with my ex-husband and I really needed to provide them with some security and undivided attention. My Dominant didn't seem able to understand the effect he was having on me with his pressure and simply would not give me space, so it ended badly, which still saddens me.

My children have been with me about two and a half years, and I almost never "play." For all appearences, I'm nothing more that a stressed out single mom living on the edge of poverty in a run down apartment who habitually keeps her eyes lowered and gets a secret thrill out of being excessively polite to the guy who takes her money when she pays for gas and imagines that he gets as much out of her deference as she does.

Does this mean I've gone "vanilla?" I don't know. Maybe. Its also been suggested that I've gone into "hiding" because I stopped attending local lifestyle events and seem to have left the scene when me and my previous Dominant parted ways. I don't know about that either.

All I know is I needed to focus on a commitment made 13 years ago when I decided to have children, and right now, my children need me more than any potential Dominat. But, I am always looking for ways to integrate my "submissive self" with my "maternal self" in a way that feels right for me.

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 25

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 3:05:52 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Well, if you want a "traditional" type of relationship rather than
just a fling or play toy, you need to develop the other aspects
of the relationship. You get to do all the mundane and less
exciting things; the cooking, cleaning, shopping, getting sick,
nursing each other, arguing over petty crap, laughing about
all the stuff you hide from the in-laws, etc.

Partners come in different combinations, here are few types,
no doubt you can add others to the group -

1. vanilla sex
2. kink, no sex
3. kink and sex
4. vanilla relationship
5. kinky relationship, no sex
6. vanilla and/or kinky relationship, vanilla and/or kinky sex

Well, you get the idea...lol

Regards,

Vendaval

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 26

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 6:06:39 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Call me crazy but I want it all. Just toss it all in the blender into one great big smoothie.

I can only compare it to food. I just simply adore a decadent dark uberchocolate raspberry ooey gooey super bad for you dessert after a rare steak, some evil side dish, a cesar salad, lots of wine, some port, maybe a cup or two of coffee...2-3 hour long meal with friends. But I also like a bowl of healthy sugar free, fat free organic yogurt with some fresh raspberries. Or a nice big healthy salad with just a sprinkle of balsamic vinegar dressing and lots of plain old filtered water.

I just think variety and balance are the keys to a healthy life. There is no reason we cannot have some of everything, enjoy life, not freak out our family and neighbours. I know there are alot of people that feel they have to completely immerse themselves in a lifestyle choice and that is fine if it is what they feel they need. You see it in health freaks (we call em granolas), religious sorts, and I am sure in BDSM also. I happen to like granola AND BDSM and prefer to find a balance between all my interests rather than lock myself into one small box.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 27

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 7:37:46 AM

charismagirrl

Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

hi,
i'm the one who began the "play vanilla" thread and i do agree with you, in that there should be a basis for the relationship that would include vanilla activities. That being said,

What i was getting at with my thread was more a case of the actuality of being M/s not the activities associated with being M/s. (If i'm making sense [?]) i can totally understand just how valid it is to be able to relate to one another in situations like the one you sited, but, if the dynamic is there, then it can be something as simple as a look from the Master or Dominant. Something as simple as being overly attentive to your M or D...tht type of thing. While you're being oh so quiet as to not wake a family member but are forced down to your knees or pinned to the bed during sex....or taken quietly in the might while your Master whispers in your ear to not make a sound and to just allow him to take care of his needs

If what is under it all is an M/s relationship then you can float in and out of vanilla situations with ease....your collar can just be a special necklace that you never remove...caring for your Master's domestic needs can just be attentiveness...looking to him fo approval on things can be seen as a sign of great respect for his opinion.

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 28

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 11:20:04 AM

TxBadMan

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

Going into any kind of a relationship without some kind of interests outside of the bedroom is a recipe for failure. No way around that.

that wasn't our problem at all. if anything it was the opposite. we had a great relationship but it was more like really good friends. we bought a house and had a child and even now we still get along. we just didn't have sex much.

When Cass and I were together, ours was not a conventional relationship at all. We were very good friends, what's more, we still are. We lived in the same house, and on the weekends, we still do. Ours was a sexual relationship, but more than that it was a S&M relationship. Yet, for 5 years it worked for us because we had alot of common interests OUTSIDE of the sex and the kink. It's what enables us to remain friends and still maintain the same living area with each other.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 29

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 7:30:24 PM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

thanx guys... i'll have to get back to this. i've got Little Miss Domme here a.k.a. She Who Must Be Obeyed (my 5yo) and trying to focus on anything other than her is a bit of an exercise in futility.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to TxBadMan)

Post #: 30

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 7:34:52 PM

zebrastripes

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iskander

I liken it to driving along the freeway at 110k's and then the limit drops to 50k's because you are travelling through a town, it's really hard to stick to 50 and it seems like walking would be faster...

Iskander..

Nice analogy

(in reply to Iskander)

Post #: 31

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/7/2006 7:39:46 PM

zebrastripes

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

A relationship needs to entangle it all together in a balanced way. Vanilla vs D/s is a hard road to travel. A relationship needs to hold up to the every day pattern we are stuck in due to societies views on WIITWD, so enjoying all the aspects of life makes a relationship strong and able to withstand those more dull moments life tosses our way.

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 32

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 6:19:55 AM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

My children have been with me about two and a half years, and I almost never "play." For all appearences, I'm nothing more that a stressed out single mom living on the edge of poverty in a run down apartment who habitually keeps her eyes lowered and gets a secret thrill out of being excessively polite to the guy who takes her money when she pays for gas and imagines that he gets as much out of her deference as she does.

thanx gypsygrl, that's really poignant and very me. i wouldn't consider you "vanilla" at all.

Vendeval... thanx for confusing me even further

but i can still argue about petty crap? woohoo!

LaTigresse... you're my heroine as usual.

charismagirrl... kudos for not taking my thread as a dig at yours. it wasn't. it just prompted me to post something i'd been meaning to for a while.

TxBadMan and zebrastripes... cheers.

ahhhh. i feel all warm and fuzzy now

better get back to being a cheeky little brat.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 33

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 6:25:19 AM

Iskander

Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

Totally off-topic, but after a few days of this thread being here, everytime I see the title the first thought in my head is still, "how many blank dvds would it take"...

Iskander...

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 34

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 10:29:55 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iskander

I liken it to driving along the freeway at 110k's and then the limit drops to 50k's because you are travelling through a town, it's really hard to stick to 50 and it seems like walking would be faster...

Iskander..

I hear that - but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Luckily, I have a strong sense of duty to help me change gears - when the engine starts lugging though... that's not good...

(in reply to Iskander)

Post #: 35

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 10:37:10 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iskander

Simply put, it's the rush and arenaline of the speed, If you're so used to that rush and it's suddenly not there anymore for some reason, it seems boring, bland and unenjoyable...

Iskander...

ah hh ok,now I got it lol. Sorry, but my brain has been in permanant freeze lately, its really starting to annoy me

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to Iskander)

Post #: 36

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 11:00:37 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

For me, I have D/s relationships. But my idea of a D/s relationship includes people who have real lives and real responsibilities. Those need to be considered. I want someone I can watch a movie with, go dancing with, have a conversation with, etc. I also want to be able to have a continual underlying sense of the D/s dynamic. For me it is not a vanilla vs. kink issue. It is just life. If all I wanted was high protocol D/s and some kinky play, I'd look only for an occasional play partner. But since life in general includes all those "vanilla" issues one needs to deal with, I take those into consideration when finding suitable partners.

People who are well rounded, intelligent and can fit well in most any situation will work best with me. I don't see it as playing vanilla or suspending D/s in any way, simply dealing with life as it comes.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 37

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/8/2006 11:09:35 AM

ladyEvenHand

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/21/2005
Status: offline

Well said,,, Bravo! Bravo!

Sir and Lady Evenhand

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 38

RE: vanilla back-up - 10/9/2006 10:01:16 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

The speed limits are there for a reason of course, you're cruising through somebody elses reality, people live there, children play.

(in reply to ladyEvenHand)

Post #: 39

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