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RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/8/2006 3:50:06 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		She's pushing two boundaries and you're feeling threatened (as we ALL do when boundaries are poked at). You NEED real time. That's not a want, that's a need. It's important to making you feel fulfilled. The other is a clear sign that the two of you aren't a match. She's thinking that all she needs to do is convince you...you are beginning to resent the continual pressure.

Listing that you are in western Canada doesn't narrow down a location very well, so how are local women going to even find you? If you don't want to list you actual location, even if it's just because no one has heard of the little town (like mine!), list yourself in the nearest large city. That might help.

Also, think about traveling to larger events. There are some things being developed in the Northwest of the US. That might be an option for you.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/9/2006 2:04:56 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hi underlimited

There have been some excellent posts here and I totally agree with others who have pointed out that Her reluctance to go real time even for a phone call or coffee meet raises huge red flags. Also that limits are limits and should be sacrosanct until (when, if) the sub indicates this is a boundary they would like to push with their Dominant with whom they have developed sufficient trust. One point that hasn't been made much of, is your safety. Just exactly what sort of male are you supposed to pick up for this act? Where from? What control would She have over him and his reactions? What if he should turn violent? What if he should want to go further than She directs? your physical safety is clearly compromised, to say nothing of your safety in terms of disease. And just what aftercare can She possibly provide that means anything if you feel physically, mentally or emotionally traumatised? Frankly this whole scenario sickens Me in terms of attempting to "control" this online ... it's clearly not possible.  While I appreciate the "subby frenzy" that makes you even contemplate this, the relief you felt in thinking you have found a compatible Mistress, I am so grateful that you have the intelligence still operating to realise that this doesn't "feel right" and to come here to the boards for advice. My advice is run a mile! Even if She is real and a real female, She is obviously ignorant and unskilled/grossly uncaring of your wellbeing/ or in so much of a Dominant fantasyland that She can't work out what is and isn't appropriate. Any or all of which means She is a danger!

If that is your photo, you are clearly a goodlooking guy with a lot going for you. Get out into the real scene in your area if you can, meet real people and hopefully you will meet a real Mistress who will appreciate you, respect your limits and care for you appropriately.  Failing all else, fancy moving to Australia? I'm looking for a good sub/slave!

I would add that I am NOT against online relationships, that's how I got started and I do believe, when conducted seriously and responsibly, they can meet a need and also be a valuable way of getting started and working out mutual compatability. However, I well remember a couple of mistakes I made in My early days online, one of which was to do a sort of forced cyber bi scene with 2 boys. It was purely cyber ie all in the mind, but even that was somewhat traumatic to one of the boys and nearly destroyed My friendship with him. I felt absolutely terrible, I phoned him (internationally) to offer voice counselling for over an hour it being the best aftercare I could provide, and eventually he forgave Me. Even in My naivety then, never would I have suggested the sort of real life activity with "online control" that has been mooted here.

Good luck on finding someOne more worthy of your respect, adoration and submission.
Mistress Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/9/2006 3:03:12 PM   
jimbo747


Posts: 109
Joined: 10/6/2006
Status: offline 		Tell her it's your hard limit. 

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/9/2006 5:18:10 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: underlimited

Thank You for a great advice. i started out the forum with alot of doubts, because i tend to value every opporunity, especially when not so many are given. Finding a local Domme who is also available and interested is especially hard, but that's how this lifestyle is. We have to look hard and give up on alot of opportunities (fake and real ones) to make ourselves happy.
Whatever happens next, i will not dispair. Compatibility is not always there and that's okay.

Her being some FemDom guy will make me very dissapointed, but i have to be prepared to face that as well. Thanks for the great tips on how to test it all out.





I just don't mess with people's sexuality.  High risk is High risk.  Unless swhe wants to  have the HIV tests done and everyone clear at least for 6 months.
 
And what if.. you run off with the guy????.. THAT would serve her right! :)

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/9/2006 5:32:50 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: underlimited
i feel that if She keeps it only online i will eventually look elsewhere. How can i approach a question She seems to avoid? Do You also think that online can replace a real-time lifestyle?

No, it cant.  I am in an online/phone relationship right now. It is no replacement for realtime.  There is nothing nearly as fulfilling , and you are right. If it remains strictly online you wil probably look elsewhere.  Anything that is kept strictly to online wthout the option of a realtime relationship makes you want the realtime more, not less. 
quote:


And second, it also seems that Her favourite fetish is forced bisexuality. Even though i stated it simply as a 'limit' at the beginning of the discussion, She seems to be pushing further and further into it. i feel more and more uncomfortable, yet i don't want to make Her unhappy, especially if that's Her favourite fetish. What should i do?Could She be fake? How can i know who i'm pleasing if it's always going to be online?

Yeah, she could be fake.  You dont know for a fact who is going to be watching, if its on cam.  That is an aweful lot of trust to put in someones word.  And unfortunately, you arent being forced if you are working online.  You could just as easily be making up what happens as she could be making up her side of it. You have to take the initiative if you are on your own.  In tis instance, youd have to find the guy, youd have to make the moves and youd have to do al the work.

My suggestion would be to tel her your concern. Especially if her control is being threatened. She shold at least be told that you are having second thoughts about maintaining the relationshp if it is completely online permanently.  Tel her you are worried about being unfulfilled.  If she is serious about wanting to maintain a relationship, she'll consider tings.  If she isnt interested in your being realtime, then shel let you know.  I have noticed, the ones who never seem to want to move out of online are usualy hiding something.  You are their secret, and thats why you cant meet.  Think about what you want, and then address it.  Just come out and say it. Easiest that way.
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/10/2006 1:14:16 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
Editted to add that I agree with the others who think it is most probably a man behind the computer dominating you online.   M

Yep, doesn't sound like a woman to me....LOL

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/10/2006 1:18:29 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Underlimited --

The bottom line in all of this is that you and she do not have comparable expectations.  "She" is seeking someone who wants forced bi and is happy with online domination.  You are seeking RT and your limit is forced bi.

You've engaged with the wrong person. Be a gentleman and politely excuse yourself from the situation.  Tell her that while you appreciate what she's given you thus far, she's taking things in a direction that you're disinterested in, and that you don't want to waste her time because those are things you will not engage in.  I wouldn't even bother offering redirecting her that you want RT. 

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/10/2006 1:49:25 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

i have not spoken to Her on the phone, but i talk on my mic to Her while She types. i asked Her if She has a mic, first time She said "she's not at home", then "roomate is with Her", and then "She's visiting Her family". Again, something doesn't feel right, or maybe i'm just paranoid.


Just from reading what you have written here and coupling it with the 'forced bi' issue, my gut is literally screaming at me that this is a man and the 'forced bi' is going to be with Him. (Albeit, via the computer.) This is three attempts to get her to say even just "hey" into a mic and these three feeble excuses are what 'she' has come up with as her reasons for not returning mic speak? Not home but on the computer anyway? And since when does having a roommate prevent you from saying "Hi, how are you doing?" into a mic? And 'she' is visiting family and it's ok to use the computer while doing so, but not to use the mic even to say, 'Can't talk now'.

Just because you may be paranoid doesn't mean you're not completely right!

quote:

One of You mentioned how long we've been talking. About a month to be exact. This is why i asked, maybe i should wait another month before jumping to conlcusions?


You mean 'you' have been talking for a month.. 'she' has been typing for a month. In an entire month, and we are talking 43,200 minutes here, she couldn't take 30 seconds out of that time and say "Yes, I'm a woman."

Eh, what do I know. I'm a cynic at heart.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/16/2006 12:50:59 PM   
underlimited


Posts: 34
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline 		Hi everyone.

Wow, I've checked in a bit, but all of you left me some great posts.
I don't know which ones to respond to, they are all great advice. My location is listed as 'western Canada' because I am willing to travel a day-drive by car to meet. But You are right, I should still be specific.
MaamJay, :) I am quite fond of BC and my job here, so but if I do decide to relocate to Australia, You'll be first to know :)

Anyhow, you have also all proven that the evidence of her being a guy is overwhelming.
So what I've done is I've resolved the 'bi' issue. She doesn't mention it anymore. And finally, just today, I've emailed her that I don't want to waste any more of her time, and I'd like to end it all right there, unless she is looking for r/t as well.
We'll see how she responds. I have a feelings it's all going to be over, for good :)

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/16/2006 12:57:22 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Under, Good for you. I think you probably deserve better than the run around you have been getting.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/16/2006 1:25:13 PM   
MsCece2u


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline 		Okay I know this has been said but runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn as fast as you can.  It may just be My personal thing but when the other person can't take the time for a phone call or at the very least meet for a cup of coffee it sends up red flags.  If you discussed the forced bi as a limit and she isn't respecting it that also sends  up the caution flag.  If you are the type that needs real time and it seems that you are.  Online will never suffice

_____________________________

Ms Cece
Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/16/2006 1:43:44 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		There are more fish in the sea. Your limits cannot be compromised just because this Domme is the first bite you've had in a while and also I am currently in a rather healthy online/phone relationship with the intent of going R/T and it feels like one long tease for the both of us.

(in reply to MsCece2u)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/16/2006 2:13:33 PM   
Morrigel


Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline 		It is always unfortunate when you find yourself saying, "It would be perfect but..."  That "but" is the killer, because not matter what the details are, the end of the sentence is "...but it isn't".

I am in complete sympathy about the on-line issue--I realize many take a half-a-loaf-better-than-none attitude, but I really have no use for that half of the loaf.  I used to live in Vancouver, though, and I know BC in general has many wonderful dommes--some of whom are friends of mine.  Have you gone to any social events, by any chance?  Even if you don't care for public play, I've always found the munches and parties are very nice in Western Canada--good places to have a drink and meet with polite, friendly like-minded people.

--M

< Message edited by Morrigel -- 10/16/2006 2:14:14 PM >

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/17/2006 10:53:32 PM   
Philosopher


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		Good luck. I wouldn't be surprised if you find it is over for good. You said in an earlier post she is looking for "Online and more" - that indicates to me she is probably after online, but might take it offline if she got a proper relationship going. Or maybe it means she would set real life tasks, and not just cyber.

Anyway, good luck in your search.

(in reply to Morrigel)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/17/2006 11:01:57 PM   
LAMPedge


Posts: 24
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Look at your post title:

Her favourite fetish, my limit?


That seems a pretty sure deal-breaker.



Think about it.


(in reply to Philosopher)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/18/2006 12:54:00 AM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		You should be weary, of a fraudster, or perhaps a married person who just doesnt want anything more then what has been already established. So even if she does talk to you on the phone it doesnt mean there isnt a wedding ring on her finger. I simply wouldnt push boundries with a purely online relationship full stop, if it goes further then it should be upto you, as its a pretty major issue. As a guy I'd set that limit and I wouldnt cross it regardless of what the Dom said. If she doesnt like you enough to respect it then move on. Dont forget, it is possible to date a straight girl and convert her into the scene.


< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/18/2006 12:56:16 AM >

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/18/2006 2:32:09 AM   
submaleslaveuk


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Manchester UK
Status: offline 		Hi there and sorry for gatecrashing this topic quite late, all really good advice which i will not add to but how did it go?? Did She email back or has She given you a phone call??

you seem like a nice genuine guy and i hope it works out for your sake under.

submaleslaveuk
darren

(in reply to ChaOz)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/18/2006 7:13:48 AM   
demistress


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline 		Hi All,

I just wanted to throw in that the no-phone thing is not ALWAYS proof of a guy.  I'm a woman, and I HATE the phone, yes, I know, atypical, etc.  But if I'm getting on the phone with you, it's only for 1 minute, and it's after we've established a huge level of trust and compatibility.  *shrug* so please, please, please stop saying that if someone doesn't want to talk on the phone, they're lying about who they  are.  Some people just really don't like phones, without having anything to hide. 

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to submaleslaveuk)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 10/18/2006 7:23:53 AM   
Alixandria


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/27/2005
From: Edmonton, Alberta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: demistress

I just wanted to throw in that the no-phone thing is not ALWAYS proof of a guy.  I'm a woman, and I HATE the phone, yes, I know, atypical, etc.  But if I'm getting on the phone with you, it's only for 1 minute, and it's after we've established a huge level of trust and compatibility.  *shrug* so please, please, please stop saying that if someone doesn't want to talk on the phone, they're lying about who they  are.  Some people just really don't like phones, without having anything to hide. 

And a seconder here.  If I decide to meet someone, I move very quickly into offering a real life way to meet.  This is usually a neutral type of meeting like at a coffee place, or when I went to munches at a munch.  The "when and where" details can be nailed down by whatever communication method I am already using (chat or email).  I totally hate telephones and never come off well on them.  And I really am female as they can clearly see if they actually show up.

But I still find something hinky about the original poster's situation.  The person may or may not be a man, but demanding that the OP bring in a third party to the relationship without even the courtesy of a meet to nail down the negotiations is just plain rude.  Not only to the OP, but to the third party.  The gay people I know do not appreciate being hunted by straight folk just to get caught up in some little game that the straight person is playing with a third party.

Alix

<written pre-coffee so excuse run-on sentences and typos please>

(in reply to demistress)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Her favourite fetish, my limit? - 1/20/2007 4:04:07 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Why won't she meet you?  Is she at least making plans to eventually meet you?  I don't want to say you are wasting your time, but yeah, it sounds like you are wasting your time. Maybe she is trying to test you out to see if you really mean forced-bi is a limit.  So many of my own limits have been pushed back by testing and I've been able to do things that I formerly thought I couldn't.  It's not always bad, but I would say that it is at the very least a little early in your relationship to start pushing. I think the internet is a great tool for meeting people.  But it is a poor way to maintain a relationship.

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to underlimited)
Profile   Post #: 40
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