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Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 6:19:41 AM   
mastermarklyssa


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		hi....
my wife of 3 years is my true love and submissive with it, she likes to be dominated in many ways but has difficalty expressing it in many ways, esp during the day, we have a hetic lifestyle which includes 2 kids so time is short, In bed she is obedient as hell but outside the bedroom she shows little control and behavior wise, is there any Master here that can give me any advice on how i can make her talk, express and feel comfortable with who she is, also to get her to open up to her feelings that she has difficalty doing, I have tryed a journal that i write things in but she reads the entries but dosent answer back, We are taking a vacation in december where we will be alone for a week which i wish to explore her submissive side to the full extent any Ideas.... Please i need some
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 6:58:44 AM   
Kiaban


Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline 		I suppose the first question to be answered is if she is a "playtime only sub". Does she really want to be more "lifestyle" with it or is it simply play?
Secondly I see a problem with her not "answering" in journal , if that is the method you have chosen I would enforce it by what means you use for punishment for bad behaviour.
Thirdly there are alot of things you can to reinforce submission and your repective positions in vanilla life. [that can be a thread all it's own and probably has been alot]. Often it come down to using things that are more subtle around children or family or for many even in public.
best of luck
Kiaban

(in reply to mastermarklyssa)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 8:00:10 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The question that come to mind for me is: are you sure SHE wants this or are you projecting your desire for this into her? If you know she wants it, too, then begin to ask her so suggest ideas of how she can show her submissiveness outside the bedroom. Take her suggestions seriously and take away privileges if she doesn't comply. This might be hard on you, since her privileges are in the bedroom at first...refusing to allow her to do or have certain things will also mean you can't have them either. When she does something that you approve of, reward her. You can gradually find rewards outside the bedroom, too, such as an item she would like to have (jewelry, etc) that she has to earn points to get.   If she’s not answering the journal entries, she probably has a hard time communicating in general…or she’s avoiding the issue because she really doesn’t want it and is only saying she does in order to placate you. You have to find out if she really, really wants it.

Also, remember, it might be a GOOD thing that she is strong and willful during the day; many women need to be this way to raise decent children and get things done, in general.

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mastermarklyssa)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 8:51:25 AM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		Every relationship is unique and sometimes asserting dominance in the vanilla side of things can be tricky. In the past I have done things like creating specific mealplans with specific times for them to be ready (1950's lifestyle) or even changes in posture and gait can help someone connect with their submissiveness.  If your wife is out of the house a lot while you are stuck there, you can also have her write an erotic story for you to get off to while she isn't there. This both makes her feel good knowing that she is pleasing you even though she isn't there and also lets you know what kinds of things she craves. If you need more just shoot me an email and we can work on more specific things based on your dynamic.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 9:11:23 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		The problem you have is you are the third dominant in the house behind two kids who SHOULD be the focus of the household.

You need to learn to balance those issues first before you can find places for her to submit during the day.

Find little things like have her sit at your feet in the evening when the family gathers to watch the news or a movie.

Spend time with just you and the kids to give her free time to do some symbolic act like preparing the bedroom, shaving, or even getting out of the house to shop for lingerie.

You cannot create time for this so what you need to learn to do is find the kink in vanilla acts, find rituals that only you and your wife see but that are transparent to others.  For example, she sits with her hands in her lap at dinner till you eat.  Very subtle, it isn't something the kids are going to pick up on but it keeps her in that mental subspace.  Another thing is eye control, have her drop her gaze just before she speaks to you although that is far harder.

Remember that she is likely the one tasked with all the childrearing tasks and household work and if you ADD burdens to that crushing workload it is going to breed resentment rather than deepening her submission. 

You also need to look inside yourself and see what is really going on in your head as well as hers.  Kick the kids out of the house, play a little, get her all softened up and open and have a conversation where she feels it is okay to open up with her fears, concerns, and issues.  LISTEN to them and go from there.

(in reply to shadevarr)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 9:59:38 AM   
naughtylilone44


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2005
Status: offline 		I have a question please...I've been active in my life choice for over 7 years now and I can remember a time when someone asked me about needle play and my response was "not in this life time".  I recently tried needle play and loved it, but my concern is this, will there come a time when i'll "need/want/desire" more ???
 
naughtylilone44

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 10:03:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtylilone44
I have a question please...I've been active in my life choice for over 7 years now and I can remember a time when someone asked me about needle play and my response was "not in this life time".  I recently tried needle play and loved it, but my concern is this, will there come a time when i'll "need/want/desire" more ???

naughtylilone44

Maybe.  It's a general universal for people to want to grow into more than who/what they are now. 

The problem comes when you want more and the people you are with don't grow into that "more" with you and you can't find other outlets for it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to naughtylilone44)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 10:22:55 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtylilone44

I have a question please...I've been active in my life choice for over 7 years now and I can remember a time when someone asked me about needle play and my response was "not in this life time".  I recently tried needle play and loved it, but my concern is this, will there come a time when i'll "need/want/desire" more ???
 
naughtylilone44


Did you need to hijack a thread for that what in the world does this have to do with the op??

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to naughtylilone44)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 10:24:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Did you need to hijack a thread for that what in the world does this have to do with the op??

Magik's slave

I think she's just new and doesn't know better yet.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 10:38:44 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		When you have a hectic life and especially when young children are part of your life you are not going to be able to express yourselves in play or scenes as often as you might like.
Thus it can become important to schedule time that can be private for yourself and your partner.
Part of this time you can use to talk though each other's feelings in a courteous way.
It may be possible that your signals are being mis-interpreted, or hers are.
You may find it helpful to each agree to wear something such as a pendent which will mean nothing to anyone else, but which is significant to both of you. Putting these on, showing or touching each other with them may enhance the whole experience.
But a LOT more communication may help you.

Best,

vield

(in reply to mastermarklyssa)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 11:12:53 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Am I missing something here.. at no point does the OP indicate that this is even desired by his wife. In fact he makes note of one instance where she specifically does not do what he asks of her in regards to the journal...MAYBE (and this could just be me) all she wants is to be a bedroom submissive...

Perhaps he needs to backtrack a bit and realize that this is a relationship between two people and he needs to be sure that she wants to do this herself. Otherwise he is just setting himself up for a downfall.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to vield)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/9/2006 11:18:08 AM   
NYMaster101


Posts: 107
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtylilone44

I have a question please...I've been active in my life choice for over 7 years now and I can remember a time when someone asked me about needle play and my response was "not in this life time".  I recently tried needle play and loved it, but my concern is this, will there come a time when i'll "need/want/desire" more ???
 
naughtylilone44



Yes.

(in reply to naughtylilone44)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/10/2006 6:05:33 AM   
mastermarklyssa


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		many thanks for all the advice, Shadevar and Crappydom had some good advice to a little more though, she does want to be submissive i just dont think she knows how to come to terms with it, and getting her to just (englishmans version) go with the flow is what i want her to do, once there she will florish and elplore that side of her, Ive tryed talking to her and most of the time she says its not for me to say its for you to experiment and find out what i like so any suggestions PLEASE!!! ...

(in reply to shadevarr)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/10/2006 12:17:44 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		My suggestion is that she learn more about what it means to be a submissive. Sounds like she is putting all the responsibility of her submission on you.. She seems to have a really unrealistic view of what this is about.

Your comment "Ive tryed talking to her and most of the time she says its not for me to say its for you to experiment and find out what i like" is a very strong indicator that she may not understand what her role in a D/s relationship truly is. You seem to be allowing this perspective as well. As far as her letting you know what she likes.. do a search for BDSM checklist and have her fill it out..that will be a starting point of discussion. If she truly desires to be submissive, it is not about you finding out what she likes and doing it... it is about her always placing your needs and desires before her own and about you making clear and teaching her how to cater to these things.

I wish you good luck and enjoyment on your journey.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to mastermarklyssa)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/11/2006 5:28:05 PM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Why are you writing the journal? Dont be a chump, you want her to open up then get her to do it. She can add normal daily stuff as well as submissive feelings/fantasies etc. In the end you need to set the boundries and be clear as well as consistant. You could give her an item, something that wouldnt show like a ring, as a symbol of her submission in daily life, which would act like a training collar then have her work upto something more prominent like a chain necklace with a lock shaped pendant on it. Set her tasks and stuff to do, that wouldnt be noticed or dont take long. I agree that kids come first but you dont seem clear about how submissive you want her to be or what activities you want her to do to achieve that submission.One other thing, she is the one that needs to show the signs of submission, and it seems like your bending in the approach you've taken. One great activity is to read books, both of you but set them as tasks, that way she can write about her feelings in regards to them in the journal. There's a lot of good books on how to be a slave, as well as slave fantasy stories.

< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/11/2006 5:35:02 PM >

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/11/2006 9:03:35 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		We have 6 children ... over the years, it's been a carnival of wonder just keeping them from wandering into our 'play room' ... it's the one with the padlock.  The oldest one is 16, so ... she's seen some things of course.  It's actually not as hard as you think.  For instance ... discipline:

1.  She remains home for a dinner of something she really hates, while you and the kids go out.
2.  Handcuff her to a chair and leave her there while you and the kids take in a movie.  Depending on the ages of the children ... tell them it's a game of cops and robbers and you're waiting for the trial.
3.  (warm weather only) ... lock her in a cage after the kids are in bed and release her just before they get up.
4.  Order silence and tape her mouth shut, tell the children you are playing a 'silence is golden' game.

I have other ones for older children as mine run from 4 to 16, so I have gotten very creative over the years.




_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to ChaOz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/12/2006 8:45:41 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DivaDuchess

We have 6 children ... over the years, it's been a carnival of wonder just keeping them from wandering into our 'play room' ... it's the one with the padlock.  The oldest one is 16, so ... she's seen some things of course.  It's actually not as hard as you think.  For instance ... discipline:

1.  She remains home for a dinner of something she really hates, while you and the kids go out.
2.  Handcuff her to a chair and leave her there while you and the kids take in a movie.  Depending on the ages of the children ... tell them it's a game of cops and robbers and you're waiting for the trial.
3.  (warm weather only) ... lock her in a cage after the kids are in bed and release her just before they get up.
4.  Order silence and tape her mouth shut, tell the children you are playing a 'silence is golden' game.

I have other ones for older children as mine run from 4 to 16, so I have gotten very creative over the years.



Maybe its just me but I find all of these examples to be totally inappropriate viewed by midgets.. not to  mention handcuffing someone and then just leaving them for a period of two hours.

I think this is just reprehensible.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to DivaDuchess)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/13/2006 12:50:24 AM   
Totalmaster4you


Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		I'll keep this simple. First get a babysitter Second Go out to dinner and talk. Ask her questions to establish the boundries of your  relationshp. Tell her what you want from a D/s relationship and which things she is comfortable with. When you are in a D/s relationship you have more conversations, not less. Don't go ordering her around, she's just getting used to the relationship. She probably is not comfortable doing anything even responding correctly anywhere around the kids. By the way when you are having conversations remember you have 2 ears and one mouth use them in that ratio. Listen more than you talk. Good Luck!

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/13/2006 4:07:51 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		RedSavageSlave ... I said to tell the children it was a game ... I NEVER said I would leave her there.  I've done that one with a slave I was training.  I simply told a neighbor about our 'game' and asked that she unlock the cuffs about 1/2 hour after we had left.  The slave got the point and it turned into a very interesting game.  I would say ... if you have children, you waited until they were safely grown and gone before admitting your nature ... I personally believe in a reality break and not trying to tamp down who I am.  None of my children have any idea what reality is for either their father or myself ... and I've been a Domme for almost 20 years now.  What they do know is that if the school calls and I have to go there for some crap ... they better hide.  By the same token when a teacher got in my son's face for telling the teacher he was wrong (he was wrong) ... I visited the school at that time too ... and my son saw the advantages of a very strong personality.  Don't throw stones when you live in no house at all or you were too ... timid to deal with your true house when it would have benefitted your ... midgets? ... okay ... midgets.

I stand by what I say ... Find ways to make it a game in front of the children ... there are always ways.  And as you can see, there are always those out there that have no clue.




_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice from Masters Please - 10/13/2006 7:45:48 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Let me clarify something here Diva.. I have three midgets that I raised with them KNOWING I am a submissive in this lifestyle. They certainly understand the D/s dynamics because that is something they viewed on a regular basis when I was with my Master at the time. However, at no point did I ever consider it ok to involve them in my playtime because at no time was it appropriate to do so.. and I stand by my original post when saying you do not put anyone in bondage and then leave the house... not even for a half an hour and then have SOMEONE else look in on them. What if something happened and your neighbor forgot? or had an emergency and wasnt able to look in?  There are all kinds of contingincies that could have happened.. I am not saying they would have and most likely never will.. but ultimately YOU are the one responsible for the care of the person once you have put them in restraints that they could not remove on their own.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to DivaDuchess)
Profile   Post #: 20
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