'Real' or not? (Full Version)

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becca333 -> 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:26:50 AM)

I've seen a lot of comments from people who've been told that they're not 'real' BDSMers because they don't do 24/7.  Then I've seen other comments from people who aren't active in the scene but who say that their BDSM orientation is a basic part of their makeup, the core of their personality.

Is there some big divide between the out-and-proud-24/7-total lifestylers and the hopeful dreamers/part-timers?  I don't live with my partner, but we've been happily Dom and sub for nearly three years, and our times together give so much meaning and power to the rest of my life.

Is there some level of involvement that makes you 'real'?  And is there some sort of hierarchy, since some people seem to feel they're somehow better or more entitled than others?



michaelGA2 -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:30:46 AM)

well, i "feel" real, but the reality of the thing (IMHO) can only happen with actually having someone they can explore the values and activities of the lifestyle. i can only hope that someday, i'll finally find some experience offline and discover what it's all truly about.



Tikkiee -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:36:24 AM)

For the longest time I was told that what I was specifically looking for had no place in the BDSM scene. I was never accused of being a fake or unreal; just that because of my particular attitude towards it, that I had no place there ( some who know me wll enough know that I used to say with quite a bit of passion that it was all about me and that I could care less what my partner got out of it )
 
Now, the man I am with now, we do not live together; in fact, we live in seperate states ( woot only another 6 more days before I go back to see him ). I am still in college, so unless I plan to transfer to JH, this will be the case for the next three years until I finish grad school.
 
As to whether or not there may be a hierarchy within the realm of BDSM. There are select groups everywhere, not just in this area. Little cliques that will always think that they are somehow better, or somehow less. Personally, as long as I am happy, and my partner is happy; that is all I care about. They can pigeon hole me all they want if that is what makes their world go round.



justheather -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:37:36 AM)

Make it stop.
Please, make it stop.

Becca, the only divide exists in the minds of those who dwell upon the differences. And, honestly, it keeps them occupied so the rest of us can have interesting and thoughtful conversations, so it's a win-win deal, really.
You're just as real as you were before someone introduced the idea you might not be.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:39:31 AM)

You're not real until you've been told by at least five people that you're not real.



Tikkiee -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:40:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You're not real until you've been told by at least five people that you're not real.

LMAO



michaelGA2 -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:41:06 AM)

"i brat, therefore, i am"



MasterC46910 -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:44:16 AM)

About the only times I have told I was not real, was from someone that was not getting their way.  Meaning I told them I was not interested and would not meet them, continue communicating with them, etc.

                                                 OR

When I run into some bozo that believes his way is the only way and anyone that does not agree with him is not a real Dom.

Other then that, most people find me rather real, at least real enough...LOL



becca333 -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:45:17 AM)

When I first started, I was desperate to get it 'right'.  Although I had no idea what 'right' was.

Now I couldn't care less, I'm having way too much fun. But I was curious about the comments about being real or not.  I'm sure I'm real, I can pinch me and everything.  Not that that's my particular kink.



LaTigresse -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:45:32 AM)

I don't worry much about what other people think I am or am not. They have no impact on me. Those that do know me well, know who I am and what I am about. Those that want to know only have to ask, to get to know me.

I don't much believe in categorizing human beings. We grow, we change, our needs change as do our perspectives, even our perspectives of ourselves. At one point in my life I would have freaked at the mention of the concept of how I identify myself now. Ultimately I don't think it matters if they (whoever they is) think I fit the preconcieved notions they have.

Like Popeye the cartoon character said....."I yam what I yam"[;)]



Tikkiee -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:46:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

When I first started, I was desperate to get it 'right'.  Although I had no idea what 'right' was.

Now I couldn't care less, I'm having way too much fun. But I was curious about the comments about being real or not.  I'm sure I'm real, I can pinch me and everything.  Not that that's my particular kink.

and that right there is the only thing that matters [:)]
 



mnottertail -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:47:53 AM)

I uhhhhhhhhhhh, would very much like not to be real, and then I could tell the IRS that they can stick their taxes up their ass, which has consequences for real folks, and I could fly thru the universe at my whim and check shit out.

Ron



athenaruls -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:51:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

Becca, the only divide exists in the minds of those who dwell upon the differences. And, honestly, it keeps them occupied so the rest of us can have interesting and thoughtful conversations, so it's a win-win deal, really.
You're just as real as you were before someone introduced the idea you might not be.



This pretty much sums it up.
 
The fact that no matter where you go, you're probably going to get ten different people telling you whether you're real or not. For some reason, these people think they know you better than you know yourself.
 
Funny how that works.



michaelGA2 -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:51:27 AM)

"i'm a real boy" (Pinocchio)



Sinergy -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:53:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't worry much about what other people think I am or am not. They have no impact on me. Those that do know me well, know who I am and what I am about. Those that want to know only have to ask, to get to know me.

I don't much believe in categorizing human beings. We grow, we change, our needs change as do our perspectives, even our perspectives of ourselves. At one point in my life I would have freaked at the mention of the concept of how I identify myself now. Ultimately I don't think it matters if they (whoever they is) think I fit the preconcieved notions they have.

Like Popeye the cartoon character said....."I yam what I yam"[;)]



I think I think, therefore, I think I am.

I made a concerted effort in high school to not place much of my self-image
and self-respect in the hands or minds of other people.

As LaTigresse stated, people change over time and have a dynamic presence.  They contain multitudes, complexities, etc., and to attempt to pin them down to
a definition one would call "real" seems kinda silly to me.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy



justheather -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 10:55:06 AM)

I have not and do not worry about anything but the health and well-being of my relationship with my dom.
Being "real" in the eyes of others doesnt even enter the picture. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that we don't really socialize with "scenesters" (not a judgement of them, just the way it happens to be) and are selective about the people in whom we invest our time and energy.

The kinds of people who spend our time with are kind, loving, careful in their speech, self-aware and generous. They are also way too busy living their own lives and cultivating their own relationships to worry about the "realness" of our dynamic. I can't imagine anybody who matters to us approaching us with some sort of "you aren't real" comment. When I try to picture it in my mind, I literally laugh out loud.

Hey, I have an idea! Let's be the people who no longer say "Real" or "True" for oh say the next forty-eight hours. I wonder what sorts of fascinating topics we'd find to talk about!

(Fast reply)



Mercnbeth -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 11:08:04 AM)

quote:

I've seen a lot of comments from people who've been told that they're not 'real' BDSMers because they don't do 24/7.  Then I've seen other comments from people who aren't active in the scene but who say that their BDSM orientation is a basic part of their makeup, the core of their personality.


becca,
'Real' is purely an on-line issue. We've never encountered anyone; individual, couple, or group, who asks or is concerned about how 'real' is defined. If anything, the on-line obsession with defining 'real' is a source of humor. It's truly a 'who cares' item.

It's was estimated that 300,000 people attended the Folsom Street Fair last month. At minimum half were dressed, and undressed, in some form of 'fetish wear'. 'Real' wasn't a requirement. All were 'real', even if was the only for that one day event. No one said; "nice outfit are you 'real'?" Or even, "Nice collar - fashion statement or lifestyle?" Who the hell cares? It was fun!

Only on-line to you get a qualifying requirement. Any on-line validation is invalid in the 'real' world.
quote:

Is there some level of involvement that makes you 'real'?
Yes - your mentality has to get to a point when you don't concerning yourself with other people's definitions. When you are content with your personal definitions and those that define your relationship, when you are 'real' to you - you're 'real'.



twicehappy -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 11:09:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


Like Popeye the cartoon character said....."I yam what I yam"[;)]


But do you taste good with brown sugar and mashmallows?



LaTigresse -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 11:11:51 AM)

I am not sure, that particular combination has yet to be tried. However, Thanksgiving is just around the corner!



toservez -> RE: 'Real' or not? (10/11/2006 11:25:15 AM)

"Real", "not real", "fake" are all terms thrown around so much in cyber and real world that they cannot be taken seriously. Pretty much any people who use them are generally using them for mostly two reasons.

1) I am judging you not as good as me because my self esteem needs to judge people instead of letting them be them and me be me.
2) People who cannot handle rejection, differences of opinions or choices. Then the terms are just use as a generic put down.

If you are true to yourself and honest to others then nobody is better then you. You are just different from them and that is perfectly fine. In the end all these terms and definitions, like real, sub, bottom, etc. are just nothing more then helping form a common language within a specific social circle. They are not meant to judge and people who use them like that are not worth the time to argue with. Are you happy with who you are and what you do and the person(s) happy to be with you. Being true to yourself and treating others with class is what "real" is to me. It has nothing to do with how others judge or opinion of me.

Lin




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