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Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:11:20 AM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		I have been on this site since May, I have meet and dated a few Doms, but I have yet to experience any of the  of sexual aspects of D/s. I've had several offers, but every time it gets to the point of intimacy, I pull away. I know that I am submissive, I know that I am kinky, so why is it I pull away. I know part of it is that I get scared, I feel as if I am trusting my life with this person literally. I begin to wonder if my sexual desires are worth fulfilling at the expense of my safety. My question is, Has anyone else ever been scared like this? and if so, How did you get over it? Thanks in advance for the advice
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:20:02 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		the answer to any question that begins "Does anyone else...?" is always Yes.

You get over it by taking your time and making it the right choice for yourself.  When you're sure of yourself, you'll do it.  Figure out exactly why you are scared and what information you will need to be confident in your choice.

And no- sexual desires are NOT worth the expense of anything really.  They should ADD to your life.

But you should be making the choice because it's right for you- not because you're scared.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:21:32 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline 		Well you ARE trusting your life to this person... you need to take the amount of time that YOU need to feel comfortable with them and trust them completely. For some people it can be one or two dates. For you, its obviously more. This isn't something to "get over" its your gut instincts trying to tell you something very important.

Thats my 2 cents anyway.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:24:51 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Don't fulfill your desires at the expense of your safety...and thank you for posting such a raw and open letter.

Internal conflicts are common in WIIWD, according to society what we are doing is wrong on so many levels.  At its best, we are writing our own rules for living, a very liberating but also terrifying task.

Forcing a woman to suck my cock was pretty easy for me, it isn't that far from vanilla sex but slapping a woman's face or using a woman you love as an object for long periods of time was very very hard for me.  Finding that balance between my gentlemanly side and my sick perverted side hasn't been easy and still at times gives me pause.

One day you will find yourself kneeling at the feet of some man feeling very very much at home and safer than you have ever felt.  It might not be tomorrow but that day will come little one.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:30:14 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eruditegirl1

I have been on this site since May, I have meet and dated a few Doms, but I have yet to experience any of the  of sexual aspects of D/s. I've had several offers, but every time it gets to the point of intimacy, I pull away. I know that I am submissive, I know that I am kinky, so why is it I pull away. I know part of it is that I get scared, I feel as if I am trusting my life with this person literally. I begin to wonder if my sexual desires are worth fulfilling at the expense of my safety. My question is, Has anyone else ever been scared like this? and if so, How did you get over it? Thanks in advance for the advice

Sorry to answer a question with a question, but I find myself needing more information to really give you a worthwhile reply.  You're 41.  Has trust in relationships and intimacy been a problem before this, or has it just emerged with your newfound submission?

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:34:52 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Yes I was when I met my first couple of dominants off of internet sites. I was very wary. What got me over that? Well my first D/s encounter I would not count as I had many feelings for this person. When I intentionally set out to meet a dominant the only thing that got me over being wary was meeting the right person. Perhaps you have not met the right person?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 10:35:48 AM   
safesaneplay2


Posts: 22
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline 		when you meet the right person, you will know.  the fear will disappear and be replaced with nervousness, curiosity, and anticipation.  my first "play date" took 5 months of chatting online, on the phone, and meeting for coffee. i knew i was ready. the DOM took the time and stayed interested.  he knew it was my first time....it was beautiful.  he encouraged my safe call.  i found subspace that day because of all the patience he had with me.  good luck..

_____________________________

coloring outside the lines!!

(in reply to Lorelei115)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 11:57:04 AM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		I would say more so with my new found submission. Comparing to vanilla, trust wasn't an issue, but intimacy was in the realm of unfulfilling for me as far as the sex went. Just always felt like something was missing. The only time I felt semi complete was my one mild encounter with an ex who was kind of vanilla with a twist of kink.

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 12:05:53 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		As LA has said, of course someone else has, I am sure many have. I am currently involved with a young woman that is very afraid. I don't think it is ME she is afraid of, I am not that scary trust me, but herself. She is terrified of herself with me, if that makes any sense. You have to understand that this woman has always been very self assured and confident. She is very intelligent and in control of her life. In relationships with other women she was always the dominant one and the agressor. Even when we first met she was the one that approached me. Being submissive is a new and scary thing for her, especially with a woman. And especially in the type of relationship we see we could have with each other. She is afraid of letting go, afraid of letting someone have that control over her. I understand all of that. Ultimately it is her choice to make. 

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 12:10:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I don't think it is ME she is afraid of, I am not that scary trust me, but herself.


Realizing that helped me become ready for meeting my lifemate. After my first marriage collapsed I became very afraid for years of trusting someone that much and then having them flake on me. I was not afraid of them, I was afraid of my own inability to bounce back from being hurt this badly again. It is all about trusting ourselves to pick up the pieces if things go wrong, our belief in our own judgment and that we can stand up and not compromise ourselves. When I owned this little truth it was very freeing, it is not about them, it is about me...



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 1:00:12 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

As LA has said, of course someone else has, I am sure many have. I am currently involved with a young woman that is very afraid. I don't think it is ME she is afraid of, I am not that scary trust me, but herself. She is terrified of herself with me, if that makes any sense. You have to understand that this woman has always been very self assured and confident. She is very intelligent and in control of her life. In relationships with other women she was always the dominant one and the agressor. Even when we first met she was the one that approached me. Being submissive is a new and scary thing for her, especially with a woman. And especially in the type of relationship we see we could have with each other. She is afraid of letting go, afraid of letting someone have that control over her. I understand all of that. Ultimately it is her choice to make. 


After I made this post a very special man called me and we talked about it further....the things you pointed out in your response also came out in my conversation too.....it's such a double edge sword to me...I want to give up the control and let go...but I am just as scared as I am excited....and just like you Tigresse, he to understands, that it is within me and not him....and he is being very patient....and that makes such a difference...

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Chickening Out - 10/12/2006 2:16:10 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I enjoy reading your posts on the board and I hope you find that comfortable situation in which you are free to explore the things you ache for.  I don't have much to add other than to wish you good luck.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Chickening Out - 10/13/2006 8:20:21 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Don't fulfill your desires at the expense of your safety...and thank you for posting such a raw and open letter.

Internal conflicts are common in WIIWD, according to society what we are doing is wrong on so many levels.  At its best, we are writing our own rules for living, a very liberating but also terrifying task.

Forcing a woman to suck my cock was pretty easy for me, it isn't that far from vanilla sex but slapping a woman's face or using a woman you love as an object for long periods of time was very very hard for me.  Finding that balance between my gentlemanly side and my sick perverted side hasn't been easy and still at times gives me pause.

One day you will find yourself kneeling at the feet of some man feeling very very much at home and safer than you have ever felt.  It might not be tomorrow but that day will come little one.
You will know when you sense he feels as Crappy Dom does..When you know he goes for balance..when you know he may even pause..this tells you that he is cautious,caring,internally analyzing,thus he will be balanced and caring and cautious with his submissive....Tempting

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 2:48:45 AM   
SWSYD


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline 		D/s relationships can be like vanilla relationships - you can get along really well with someone and have a great time but it doesn't have to involve sex (it not kinky but  just going to a restaurant and him ordering everything for you would be D/s).  Intimacy can be on many levels and can take time and trust - there shouldn't be a reason to push anything that your not OK with or that you dont want pushed - if a DOM is looking at you for instant sexual gratification then is this the person you want in your life?  Take the time to do things at what feels the right pace - and if thats baby steps, then baby steps it is.

Good luck and I hope you find the what you are looking for

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 3:47:41 AM   
masochistboy


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Melbourne
Status: offline 		Don't feel down on chickening out. i mean, it could be one of the best decisions you ever made. Personally, i wanted to meet with a Domme i met online. But i (thank God everyday) backed out last minute because it was rushed.......a few months later, it turns out She was a sub who was messing with peoples mind and then moved inter-state.
i guess, you should just take your time...

(in reply to SWSYD)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 7:28:49 AM   
BondagePro


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		What a great topic!! I can tell you, this is a common problem. I had the fantasy of meeting someone and having an erotic bondage experience on first encounter. I had met a couple of females on-line and actually had everything set up, but in both cases the other party backed out. Since my fantasy includes tying up, blindfolding and gagging my partner, obviously I could understand the fear on the other party's part.

If you think about it, it all comes down to what would make you as the Sub comfortable. I think everyone has their own needs that way. In my case, I actually did find someone who I shared my fantasy with. We spoke on the phone quite a bit, even at my place of employment and even had lunch together once. Eventually, we knew each other well enough that she felt comfortable. This process took about three months.

The morale of the story is that everyone is different and everyone has their own needs in terms of being comfortable with being completely helpless to someone. I have tied up and been in complete control of five women now, and it is an incredible experience....and I can tell you, the Dominant person is probably scared too! :)

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 9:09:36 AM   
SlaveAkasha


Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		This is exactly how I felt in the beginning.  I knew it was what I wanted, but I was a bit scared to put myself into someones hands in such a way.  All I can say is that when it's time, you will know it and trust that person you are with.  If you don't, there is a reason and you should listen to it.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you being scared of the sexual part, there might be something you aren't picking up on about the doms you are meeting with that is telling you not to allow yourself to be that vunerable with them.
 
Maybe you like kinky sex, but this isn't the type of thing for you.  I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but it can be totally true.  I had a vanilla lover that had a lot of kink to him.  We had a blast, and in some ways I was just fine with that aspect of it.  I knew later that I needed more, but perhaps vanilla with a splash of kink is exactly what you need to keep you satisfied. 
 
Don't feel like you have to be "full-on sub/slave" in order to explore these parts of yourself.  Maybe you should look for more of a top type of person, or even a switch, rather than a Dom.  
 
Masters Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 10:25:10 AM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		You signature line says a lot about you.  You have not found the right person to trust yet.  You will, and when you do it will all make sense.  Don't rush it.

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 7:59:18 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Don't fulfill your desires at the expense of your safety...and thank you for posting such a raw and open letter.

Internal conflicts are common in WIIWD, according to society what we are doing is wrong on so many levels.  At its best, we are writing our own rules for living, a very liberating but also terrifying task.

Forcing a woman to suck my cock was pretty easy for me, it isn't that far from vanilla sex but slapping a woman's face or using a woman you love as an object for long periods of time was very very hard for me.  Finding that balance between my gentlemanly side and my sick perverted side hasn't been easy and still at times gives me pause.

One day you will find yourself kneeling at the feet of some man feeling very very much at home and safer than you have ever felt.  It might not be tomorrow but that day will come little one.
You will know when you sense he feels as Crappy Dom does..When you know he goes for balance..when you know he may even pause..this tells you that he is cautious,caring,internally analyzing,thus he will be balanced and caring and cautious with his submissive....Tempting


Thank you for the post Tempting......it's quite ironic you used Crappy as an example....he does have a balance...and balance , caution and caring are what I am looking for....and as a good friend pointed out to me...I need to be more open and honest when I scared and want to pull away.......that way we can work through it....

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:07:05 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eruditegirl1
My question is, Has anyone else ever been scared like this? and if so, How did you get over it?

My boy is going through this right now.  He has yet to experience any of the sexual dominantion. Part of the problem is his views on sex in general. The other is that he hasn managed yet to develop the trust necessary to leave himself that completely open. Once we are closer together I can work more on that, but with a limited amount of time togetehr, I can understand this and I am alright with his need to wait.
It may takea long while, build up to when it feels right for both of you.  If a Master is truly interesed, he will be able to work with you on other aspects of the lifestyle while building up to the sex. Its a good way to make sure that they arent completely focused on the sexual aspect (assuming thats not what you are wanting to focus on)
You'll know its right when you no longer feel like your sacrificing your safety. With the right one, you will feel safe even when you are vulnerable.  

my 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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