Voltare
Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
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Interesting questions, and some great advice. An issue that doesn't seem to be touched on would be one of obsession.
I think it's safe to say anyone who spends any significant amount of time online deals with an internet obsession at one time. When coupled with a 'real life' type of escape from reality, i.e. BDSM (or Roleplaying, or video games, etc) the obsession can be particularly damaging, to relationships, finances, work and family obligations, the list goes on.
Anyone who spends more then a couple hours in a BDSM related chat room can usually pick up on the fact that there are a few individuals who spend an excess of fourty hours a week (some as many as 80 or 120) sitting in chat rooms. They are often seen as experts in the field, if not by their acquired knowlege, but indeed through brute force of having their name always in the room. I'm certain there's a few other threads dealing with chat room BDSM, so I won't rehash the information here.
As you give us the problems you are facing, and not much in the way of your wife's problem, I can't say for certain that this is one of the issues you are facing, though the statements that she is seeking a consistant mind fuck, and constant control - yet smaller attempts to assert control tell me that it sounds a bit like she might not be responding, because it isn't coming in the form of a 'cyber' command. In fact, from what little I've read, it seems that this has been the case with most of her experiences, that the real life activities are not coming even close to living up to her cyber fantasies. You're becoming increasingly worried that you aren't able to fufill her desires, and as a result she has left once and may leave again, in search of this 'fulfillment.' Sadly, there is really not a lot you can do, if this is the case short of trying to get her help.
In my experiences, internet obsession lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few years, and generally only the loss of internet/computer (and all means to replace either) tends to be the only real cure. If the person is depressed, trying to resolve the depression can help - but as you mentioned, her interest in day to day 'reality' seems to have become minimal. The internet can be a great research tool, when used properly. I think the advice traded on these boards can be of infinate assistance, as BDSM isn't the sort of thing you can (usually) ask your best friend, doctor, or psychologist about. When abused, it becomes the worst form of mental masturbation ever to decay the brain of an otherwise intelligent and responsible adult.
MzSuz and others have already given some excellent advice. I agree that increased communication is the key - that doesn't just mean her speak and you listen, or you speak and her listen. It means trying to get in touch with the woman you married 25 years ago, as well as learning about the woman you are married to today. It means trying to reestablish the reason you both are still married (unlike several decades ago, time alone, children, and security of a house isn't enough to keep most couples together.) It might even mean falling in love again... or possibly even the opposite. Whatever the case, my own advise would be to practically throw a lock on the computer, either by not permitting it to be on when the two of you are home at the same time, cut the internet access at home, or some other means to try and take what (seems to me to be) the biggest hurdle you have to get over, to re establish your relationship.
As others have said, I will state in even stronger terms - if your wife seeks her %5 elsewhere, I'll give a 95% chance she stays there. The situation you described, to me, sounds like she isn't just seeking 'control' but rather a purpose for living. If she finds that elsewhere, you can bet your bottom collar she won't be coming back. I don't see anything wrong with trying to ease into a Ds related lifestyle between you and your wife right now - odds are you've actually been doing it for years, just in ways you might not have noticed. The key, I think, will be pulling any obsessive issues under control - because until that's done, you won't ever be seen as 'enough' because the scenes you two engage in, the activities you do, and the words you say will never be the equal to what she sees, hears, and feels in her head, when she is behind that keyboard.
Obviously, the advice is simply my own, based on what you've shared with us. I truely hope that I am dead wrong, because if I am right, you have a tall hill to climb indeed.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Stephan
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http://www.vv3b.com/
"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche
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