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MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: New Mistress (3/25/2007 10:06:07 PM)
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Here at collarme we get lots of laughs at the antics of brand new Dominants, but its actually really hard being a fledgling Dominant.
How do you get the wisdom, trust worthy reputation & experience to find the Love of your Life (or - in the meantime - someone wonderful to play with)?
Some ideas picked up along the way (and by no means exhaustive)*
1 Know thyself.
Have a long hard think about if and why you identify as Dominant. Why do you love it? Maybe you don't really know. Embark on your journey into D/s** to find the answers out for yourself, don't pretend you have them all already.
2 Reading
I found that it helped to read up on the technical side first. I loved Gloria Brame's "Different Loving" (a fairly serious look at the psychology of alternate sexuality) and "Learning the Ropes" by Race Bannon for some of the basics on SSC, power exchange etc. Peruse the book selection at your local BDSM/fetish shop and choose your own favorites.
No doubt there are loads of web sites and forums like this one to read as well. Be discriminating about what you read in mail lists and web sites. There is a vast difference between D/s fantasy and the practice in real life. A lot of very wise sounding advice is given online, but question how much of it is based on practical experience (including the inevitable making of mistakes!!). It takes a long while to work out who is for real and who is spinning a (lovely) fantasy.
However, reading about BDSM is a bit like reading cookbooks. You cannot learn to cook until you try it yourself.
3 Go out
There are heaps of BDSM clubs, parties and dungeons in most major cities, so there's no excuse for staying at home reading the net!! Grab a girlfriend and go along and check out the talent :)
4 Meet all the other Dominants you can
It helps enormously to make friends with other Dominants. Lots of them. Their experience and gravitas in your local scene will eventually rub off on you! And most of them are egotistical enough (me included!!) to like the idea of taking a new Dominant under their wing. Its dead easy to convince some Tops to give you impromptu lessons in slave training, flogging, bondage etc Dominants love to talk.
5 Keep trying
However, it can be hard to befriend some "Dominants" because they Know It All and have a really tedious need to dominate everyone (not just their own sub/s). You might also get snubbed by the occasional "Queen of the Scene" (happens to me all the time!)
Don't give up - I believe that every city's scene has Dominants that are mature (and secure) enough to properly befriend and mentor new Dominants.
Go to events, meet lots of people and seek out the Dominants that strike you as approachable and reasonably well liked (ESPECIALLY by other Dominants. Its easy to fool some of the subs some of the time, but if a "Dominant" cannot get along with other Dominants, then they definitely have issues.
6 Choose a same sex mentor (unless you are gay)
It may seem easier to seek out mentors of the opposite sex, but be conscious that (IMO and IME!) Dominants can have totally explosive chemistry with one another. What starts out as a bit of flirtation can turn into a wild ride of switching, mind fucks and power games. Which is why a lot of Masters and Mistresses are love partners - and all power to them. But as a new Dominant in search of self, I don't recommend it (yet;)
7 Take your time
Notice I haven't suggested run around like Sir/Lady Headless Chook looking for submissives to play with? Sure you can advertise like crazy all over the net and hang around the walls at every club, but what have you got to offer?
Instead, push yourself to meet people of all persuasions (tops, bottoms, fetishists, male, female) and take a real interest in their lifestyle and personal choices. They will help you discover your own style of Dominance, define your expectations and introduce you to potential partners.
8 Stay real
Most of all, stay yourself. Pretending to be A Real Dominant (what ever the hell that is) is doomed to failure. DON'T tell fibs exaggerating your experience or skill. A bit of humility and grace goes a long way. Inflated egos, low self esteem and dishonesty are NOT Dominant and everyone else knows it.
If you are genuine, self assured, approachable and dominant without being domineering (they ate TOTALLY different things), your submissive will find you. Sooner than you think.
9 Pass it on
And remember that one day you will no longer be a newbie, and then it will be your turn to hold out the hand of friendship to newcomers.
* note: largely reprinted from my article originally published a few years ago in Australia
** or BDSM if you aren't strictly into D/s - I use the expressions pretty interchangeable
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