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What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:33:19 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

Hello All,

Below, is an interesting comment i received on my profile:

"I see that you are, indeed, a strong person. you are obviously 'already whole and complete'. I admire your independence, but it makes me sad. I am looking for someone soft. Someone who is not yet complete, and wants to find another to complete her. I want someone who needs me, because I know that I need them."

What struck me about this message is that it seemed that he was indicating that to be strong and independent mean't that one could not be "soft". Another interesting thing is how he was looking for someone not yet whole or complete, nor independent, and how this made him sad. For a moment, it made me sad to read that thought. i appreciate these type of messages because they make me think about others and how they view life.

i believe there are those who seek others who are not yet complete for many varied personal reasons. Although for me, i seek quite the opposite.

So these thoughts/questions came to mind from reading this one message. *grin

Do you equate strength in a slave or sub as being one who may not be capable of being...soft? Do you believe that in order to be "soft" one cannot be strong in mind or spirit? What is your personal meaning of one who is soft?

Would you feel sad because someone you were interested in was complete, strong, and independent? Or, would you feel sad for the person who wrote this message?

Do you wish to find a one who is not yet complete or whole? Is that part of a need you have to fulfill (or secure) your dominance (or, even your submission) in an M/s or D/s relationship, because you know you will surely be needed?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and perspectives.

Post #: 1

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:40:28 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

In my opinion (cripes, these blasted disclaimers are ridiculous... we're all stating our opinions and nothing more) statements like "you complete me" make for exceptionally romantic story lines for a best selling book or movie, but unless you're a mental health professional the reality of an individual that is not complete on their own just plain sucks.

Are there exceptions to that rule? Of course, there are exceptions to everything. Problem is that everyone believes they are the exception, and the probability of that being true is nil (and observation tells us that the exception are very rare, which is what makes them an exception and not the rule).

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 2

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:45:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken
Another interesting thing is how he was looking for someone not yet whole or complete, nor independent, and how this made him sad. For a moment, it made me sad to read that thought. i appreciate these type of messages because they make me think about others and how they view life.

Actually he was probably just trying to be passive aggressive to get your attention and provoke you to respond to explain to him exactly how you could be soft and strong at the ame time.

The trick for doms online is to get the chick to respond- once you've got their attention, the rest is just a matter of time for the most part.

quote:

Do you equate strength in a slave or sub as being one who may not be capable of being...soft? Do you believe that in order to be "soft" one cannot be strong in mind or spirit? What is your personal meaning of one who is soft?

I think most people have strong spots and weak spots- and that sometimes softness is a strength and sometimes hardness is a weakness.

I think what matters is knowing who you are in what regard and making it work best for yourself.

quote:

Would you feel sad because someone you were interested in was complete, strong, and independent? Or, would you feel sad for the person who wrote this message?

Neither. The person who wrote the message is just trying to provoke an emotional response from me in an attempt at manipulation. I doubt he seriously feels sadness- he simply wants you to try and convince him to pay attention to you.

In a more blatant way, I used to get IMs from guys constantly who said "It's too bad you're too young for me."

Talk about a passive aggressive attempt to get my attention. This guy is doing the same thing, he's just more subtle about it.

quote:

Do you wish to find a one who is not yet complete or whole?

I want my partners to be wholly who they are now and able and willing to grow into who they will become.

quote:

Is that part of a need you have to fulfill (or secure) your dominance (or, even your submission) in an M/s or D/s relationship, because you know you will surely be needed?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and perspectives.

I think we all like to feel needed and useful- though we often tend to associate this with subs, doms have an incredibly high desire to be useful and helpful and provide to others.

However, there's a difference between creating a relationship in which necessity becomes a part of the process, and creating a relationship from a feeling OF necessity.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 3

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:49:51 AM

Iskander

Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

Yeah you can be strong and independant yet still be soft... I consider myself mostly strong, too independant for my own good sometimes, yet I'm also a big softy...
Sounds to me that this person means soft as easy to mould, someone would be lost without their presence...
Needy in other words...
The needy thing repulses me personally, I prefere to have a partner that is with me out of want, not need... Need leads to way to many drama's and i think it restricts growth...

It doesn't matter much if the person isn't complete yet, as long as they know that I won't be the thing that completes them, but I can, would and will help them to become complete in their own right...
Anyone who thinks another person will make them complete is in for a rude shock when that person leaves them...

Iskander...

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 4

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:51:04 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

How strange. When W/we use the term soft, it's "soft needs" vs "hard needs".. needs involving the emotional, spiritual or psycholigical, vs physical.. sex and or S&M cravings based purely on skin.

Wonder if by soft, he means mallable? Although i don't see how being whole and complete is not also mallable, they aren't mutually exclusive.

_____________________________

~ Mavis

none of this applies to me, i'm only playing with lables this week.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 5

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:57:29 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

raiken,

What that guy said really screams 'needy' to me. I get the idea that some doms are looking for needy subs to 'rescue', probably because they don't have their own shit together yet.

While I have issues I am still sorting out/correcting in my own life, I am definitely not looking for someone to rescue or 'complete' me or who sees 'softness' as the opposite of strength. My submission is a very active thing and it comes from a place of love and strength, not weakness. I choose to give it only to someone who has his life together and who I can trust to be as strong or stronger than I am and who will value my intelligence and strength and not feel threatened by it. The guy who wrote you seems to be projecting (by his talk of 'sadness') and implying that there's something wrong with (not 'soft') about you because you are not looking to be rescued.

Great post, btw. Very thought-provoking.

sp

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 6

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:59:40 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Hello All,

Below, is an interesting comment i received on my profile:

"I see that you are, indeed, a strong person. you are obviously 'already whole and complete'. I admire your independence, but it makes me sad. I am looking for someone soft. Someone who is not yet complete, and wants to find another to complete her. I want someone who needs me, because I know that I need them."

What struck me about this message is that it seemed that he was indicating that to be strong and independent mean't that one could not be "soft". Another interesting thing is how he was looking for someone not yet whole or complete, nor independent, and how this made him sad. For a moment, it made me sad to read that thought. i appreciate these type of messages because they make me think about others and how they view life.

i believe there are those who seek others who are not yet complete for many varied personal reasons. Although for me, i seek quite the opposite.

So these thoughts/questions came to mind from reading this one message. *grin

Why doesn't that surprise me?

quote:

Do you equate strength in a slave or sub as being one who may not be capable of being...soft?

No.

quote:

Do you believe that in order to be "soft" one cannot be strong in mind or spirit?

No. I think of myself as strong in mind and spirit. I can still feel my heart break when I hear my daughters' voice on a day when she's having it really bad. Her pregnancy is a tough one...she has placentia praevia...and some days are bad for her. At those times, I just want to pick her up and cradle her like I did when she was small. I admit to being one of those people who is not yet cynical enough to snort at a really good old romantic movie and who instead, can feel my heart tugged by it. I get tears in my eyes when I hear certain songs that bring various memories to mind. That doesn't mean that I don't get up each day, go to work and face the world as a single dominant who is alone right now with debts to pay and who just does what I feel needs to be done.

quote:

What is your personal meaning of one who is soft?

One who doesn't always let their head get in the way of their heart.
If they're smart, they know when and how to apply the proper amount of each to each situation.

quote:

Would you feel sad because someone you were interested in was complete, strong, and independent?

Depends on how that completeness, strength, and independence is expressed. A submissive who feels she has nothing to learn from me and who wants to constantly challenge my right to dominate her, even though she has submitted to me, as a way of expressing this strength and independence and completion may well be a submissive...but not the one for me.

quote:

Or, would you feel sad for the person who wrote this message?

I don't know that I'd feel sad...I see it as a romantic ideal but that doesn't necessarily make me sad for them. Perhaps they will meet someone who better suits this romantic ideal.

quote:

Do you wish to find a one who is not yet complete or whole? Is that part of a need you have to fulfill (or secure) your dominance (or, even your submission) in an M/s or D/s relationship, because you know you will surely be needed?

This is going to sound vague but there is need and there is need. Do I want someone who needs someone to fix their life, complete their incomplete circle of someone to relate to emotionally, get them on track? No...because in that case, I have a feeling that anyone willing to do that for them would do. That makes me nothing special. Do I want someone who needs what I specifically can do for them in their life to enhance it but who knows that, without me, they are fully functional of taking care of their life themselves? Someone who needs my love because it makes their day brighter but who is emotionally mature enough to be able to live without the "specialness" of my love and is whole without it yet feels More" whole from having it? Yes.

quote:

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and perspectives.

You're quite welcome.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/16/2006 12:01:34 PM >

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 7

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 11:59:59 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Do you equate strength in a slave or sub as being one who may not be capable of being...soft? Do you believe that in order to be "soft" one cannot be strong in mind or spirit? What is your personal meaning of one who is soft

Strong deals with resilience... I have not always been resilient, but at times I can be surprisingly so. A willow may snap under extreme pressure, but it will also bend, submissives bend to the will of another... but that is their strength... just like the willow that can bend in the breeze.

Soft means can mean compliant, it can also mean compassionate. It can also mean an inability to deal with harshness. I think we are all soft in some way or other.. at least many people are.

quote:

Do you wish to find a one who is not yet complete or whole? Is that part of a need you have to fulfill (or secure) your dominance (or, even your submission) in an M/s or D/s relationship, because you know you will surely be needed?

Two halves make a hole to fall into, not a whole relationship... that is the way I see it, and I would not want a dominant that sought someone that was incomplete.. but that is just me.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 10/16/2006 12:01:04 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 8

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 12:00:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Two halves make a hole to fall into, not a whole relationship...

That's a nice turn of phrase, I like that.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 9

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 12:02:38 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

sp, some Dominants are attracted to "rescues" until they've had their fill of them, and realize how desperately hopeless those situations are. On the surface, it can appear to be the perfect opportunity to make a difference in someone's life. In reality, it's the Le Brea tar pits.

I know, I've been through it myself many years ago. Thank goodness I'm a (relatively) quick learner.

Of course, there are those who are simply having a bit of bad luck, and who are not lost causes. Trick is to know one from the other.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 10

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 12:03:41 PM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I don't think someone being strong and independent, or strong of spirit makes them less soft. I think my Master considers me a strong person, but he will probably say I am soft also.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that would need me to make them complete, but I would want to be with someone that feels their life is more complete with me in it.

That is more how I look at things. I am complete, but my life is better, and I am even more happy having Master in it. It's not about someone making us better, it's more how we can enrich each others lives by sharing what we both bring to the relationship.

Masters Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 11

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 12:17:37 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I really should not post anything on this because this type of thinking is a gigantic pet peeve of mine. So let’s see, how to put this as nice as I can…

What the hell is incomplete/soft? To me incomplete just means you are missing something that is important to you consciously or subconsciously. I am very independent in terms of a career, can live on my own and not cry myself to sleep over it and have opinions, but for me personally I would never consider myself complete until I am owned and some other things.

What person who wrote you describes as “soft” to me describes a person who is searching out a weak minded person because they are weak themselves so I do feel sorry for people like that. To me a statement of searching out a person who does not know themselves, their needs and desires is to me searching for a co-dependent. Someone that they can build up their own self esteem and insecurities by manipulating the other person’s actions and self worth and tying in all their positive feelings and self confidence into their own. In other words, without me slave you are nothing. You owe all the good things in your life to me, a very insecure thought pattern. It is two people who have security issues.

Now we are all work in progresses and that also brings up the question of who is complete anyway, but I am not talking about people who enjoy helping others explore or offer advice and guidance. To me those are very separate things. To me a person seeking out a person who does not really know themselves is completely different to the nth degree.

All healthy relationships have a foundation and one of the important parts of that foundation is a person knowing themselves well enough and being able to communicate and search for what fits best and what they need. A person who does not know themselves and looks for another to mold them is not a healthy person. A healthy relationship of any kind is a shared wisdom, growth and so on and so on sharing experience.

I do not like the terms strong and soft. I do not think your devotion or ability to your Master or Mistress has anything to do with your knowledge and confidence in knowing yourself. A person can have a career and know what works for them on most things and still totally be dedicated and emotionally tied into their other. We are all strong in something’s and weak in others. I do not see an either or in a healthy human being.

Obviously from what I have wrote that I would have zero interest in a person who needed to be needed so much that a normal healthy relationship is not enough for them and they want to be a crutch for another on such a deep level.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 12

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:01:46 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

What he really means is "someone who will be dependent on me and won't challenge me because her sense of self will be shattered if the man in her life disapproves of anything she does."

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

"I see that you are, indeed, a strong person. you are obviously 'already whole and complete'. I admire your independence, but it makes me sad. I am looking for someone soft. Someone who is not yet complete, and wants to find another to complete her. I want someone who needs me, because I know that I need them."

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 13

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:21:18 PM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

Being soft means you're human

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 14

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:24:42 PM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

You can tell I'm a bad person, because when I read the word "soft" in reference to a femmesub, I just think of her ripe little body being all round and plump and squeezably delicious.

--M

< Message edited by Morrigel -- 10/16/2006 2:25:17 PM >

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 15

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:26:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Firstly.......I don't really know what *soft* means to me.....it's not a word that I'd use as a character description at all. I can think of others though....kind, sensitive, gentle, giving etc, that probably amount to the same thing to others.

I've never been quite sure about the whole idea of NOT being *complete*.....I'm completely what I am now and in the past I was completely what I was then. In the future I'll be completely what I am too.

I know one or two people that do have a feeling of being *incomplete* when they are NOT half of a couple. One of them told me (a guy) that he was frightened of being alone. It seems to be quite debilitating.

I don't want to just repeat what LA said ....... but I'm probably quite strong in some ways and KNOW for a fact that I'm incredibly weak in others.

Being dependant on someone doesn't mean you're incapable of being independant at all.....but to some people that doesn't make sense. Some people really do desire a parasitic relationship.

agirl

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 16

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:29:07 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morrigel

You can tell I'm a bad person, because when I read the word "soft" in reference to a femmesub, I just think of her ripe little body being all round and plump and squeezably delicious.

--M

Ohhhhhhhhhh I don't think that makes you a bad person, or if you are, so am I! That was all I could think of when I saw the beginning of the thread and just had stay out of the whole conversation. Until, of course, I saw your post scroll by on the top of the screen.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Morrigel)

Post #: 17

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:39:14 PM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Ohhhhhhhhhh I don't think that makes you a bad person, or if you are, so am I! That was all I could think of when I saw the beginning of the thread and just had stay out of the whole conversation. Until, of course, I saw your post scroll by on the top of the screen.

*hands Tigresse a cocktail* Impromptu meeting of the Bad Person's Club!

I think I understand softness of character a bit as well, and have loved many subs who were wonderful gentle giving humans. But I have to admit, the whole "unformed clay" concept kinda throws me. It sounds like the guy was looking for a golem or a fetus or something--? I dunno.

--M

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:42:39 PM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

To me, in that context, soft would mean moldable, still having some formation left. Open to change, growth, and guidance... Just my 2 cents.

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to Morrigel)

Post #: 19

RE: What does "soft" mean to you? - 10/16/2006 2:49:00 PM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: demistress

To me, in that context, soft would mean moldable, still having some formation left. Open to change, growth, and guidance... Just my 2 cents.

As any blacksmith can tell you--EVERYthing is moldable if you get it hot enough!

Do you think he was using "soft" as a synonym for "inexperienced", "lacking in direction", "innocent", something like that?

--M

(in reply to demistress)

Post #: 20

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