RE: HELP Please!!!! (Full Version)

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canupleaseme -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 2:00:49 AM)

oops should of read the all the posts before that i certainly havent meant to offend by my comment it was just my agreeing that it wa sthe only way i coudl see things workin

im sur ethat u will both eventually work out whatyou both need and get that you are lucky to be in a relationship where you want to :)   it only works for mebecasue my im not inlove with my playmates [:D]



Kalira -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 4:51:33 AM)

quote:

The bs so to speak is previous counseling he has had which specifically states women are to be treated one way and one way only.

And why would this be BS? Because you say it is?
quote:

  He has been raised in a very retributive way, so much so he has been sissified to a large degree


I am sorry, but that is extremely insulting.
quote:

  Lets face it, we all have had bs shoved down our throats at one time or another in our lifetimes


I can almost guarantee that what you would consider BS, I would consider to be helpful advice.
quote:

  However, childhood can and has left ingrained processees which he is now struggling with.  


Again, it sounds as if you are the one who has the issues with it, not him.



Sinergy -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 5:52:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

Ok, this is HIS perspective.......from his very own fingers...

I would like to say that I am deeply in love with "WickedlyDevine" (my wife), and because I love her so much, I want to do anything and everything I can do to fulfill her needs sexually.  BDSM is the area of her interest.  Although I know very little about BDSM I am willing to explore the realm of being her "Dom" in order to make her happy.   Granted, I am new to this and very naive concerning her needs in this aspect but it is important for me to meet her every need.  Some may say that my wife is only thinking about her needs but as her husband, part of my needs are to make her happy, and by doing so I am making myself happy.  Divorce is not an option nor is having multiple partners.  If there is anyone out there that is willing to give us any kind of good advice we are open to just about anything to get us on the right track. 





Hello Husband of WickedlyDevine,

A few good books out there include Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns and BDSM 101.

You can go to a web site called Dragonrealms.com which has a lot of stories and information on it.

These will give you some background / starting information.

The second thing I would recommend is for you to not think about it so much.  I think much of it happens at a lower level of cognition, as in, it is something which must be felt, not figured out.

When people buy a new car or plane or whatever, they get inside and drive it around.  After a while, the little quirks that make that car special start to show and the person can learn about them.  Think of how you interact with WickedlyDevine in this way.  Try doing things, see how she responds, if she likes them, do them again.  Think small.  Ask her to do little things for you.  Praise her when she does them.  Praise her when she does big things.

What I do is set up a safe word with the one I am with, and then communicate with her to determine her likes and dislikes and loves and whatevers.  She has the power to stop a scene at any time, but I dont put much stock in checklists and the like.

Control and force are two different things.

Good luck!

Sinergy



Celeste43 -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 6:03:50 AM)

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

This is readable and from a male perspective.

However you are both bedroom subs. Nothing wrong with that. So what you need to do is take turns. You satisfy him and he satisfies you. In order to start in a manner that will satisfy both of you, I suggest you write out scripts telling each other exactly what you want to happen. Be specific. Once neither of you are feeling quite so antsy, you can think back on the other's responses and see what additional you would like to incorporate in the future. But it is important in the beginning that there is total enjoyment.

However, needing sensation play is not the same as being submissive. There are sadistic bottoms and masochistic tops even though we think tops should only enjoy giving out sensation instead of receiving it. So you can be in charge and tell him exactly what you want him to do to you and if he flouts your orders, then you can punish him. This assumes you have a punishment dynamic even if the punishment is just him not getting his session that week.



subartist4dom -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 7:29:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

Ok, this is HIS perspective.......from his very own fingers...

I would like to say that I am deeply in love with "WickedlyDevine" (my wife), and because I love her so much, I want to do anything and everything I can do to fulfill her needs sexually. 


As I recall in one of your wife's posts she said you know her buttons but refuse to use them.  First...you MUST have an open mind and I applaud you for wanting to please her, but press the damn buttons.  Yeah yeah we all have heard...DON'T PUSH THE RED BUTTON...  Me?  I wonder what this button does...*push*  .oO(worst that can happen is the world ends)  [sm=biggrin.gif]

quote:

BDSM is the area of her interest.  Although I know very little about BDSM I am willing to explore the realm of being her "Dom" in order to make her happy. 


I won't state the obvious that your wife is unhappy with you not responding to her needs.  So one...what are her needs?  two how do you meet them?  three when are you going to push all those buttons that please her?  hint hint

quote:

Granted, I am new to this and very naive concerning her needs in this aspect but it is important for me to meet her every need.  Some may say that my wife is only thinking about her needs but as her husband, part of my needs are to make her happy, and by doing so I am making myself happy.


Make her happy...sexually...PUSH THE BUTTONS...ok enough of the buttons I swear.  This reminds me of another couple that had a problem of a sexual nature and everyone has guessed it...STORY TIME...

A male friend called me one day telling me about his gf wanting to try anal, but having no clue as to go about it.  Why he called me I have no idea and I hope that I never get a call like that again.  He asked me 101 questions wanting details and basing my answers on my only experince I prayed I didn't ruin it.  Luckily for me his gf loved it and I got a thank you note from the two in the mail. 

So what's the whole point of that tiny story?  Anyone?  Open your mind, clear out the ears, pick up a pen and some paper, and listen...  If wife says she likes an ice cube ran down her back, write it down and try it.  Then go a step further...thus the question of WHAT IF I run the ice cube on the inside of her leg?    And by all means...explore every nook, cranny and crevice.  If you think of something, like cool whip between the legs, try it.  Even if you have to tie your wife to the bed and bandanas work so well too.  Also blindfolds heighten the other senses and believe me you can have alot of fun with that.  If all those books on BDSM don't give you enough ideas...pick up a romance novel.  Preferably the ones with bondage, vampires, or shapeshifters.  Those have enough ideas alone.

quote:

Divorce is not an option nor is having multiple partners.  If there is anyone out there that is willing to give us any kind of good advice we are open to just about anything to get us on the right track. 





My final two cents.  I can understand the whole not having mulitple partners...its an insecurity and in my case I happen to be territorial.   To me another woman in my home would be an insult and my master don't want me unhappy, so it isn't an option here either.  It is easy to get the wrong impression about BDSM, but also trust your wife since she is experinced in this.  Like subs, doms need training too.  Keep an open mind, explore sexually, and ask lots and lots of questions.  Best of luck to both of you.  (damn spiders)




WhipTheHip -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 8:02:21 AM)

> How do I express to him that I NEED to feel my lovers scorn and wrath,
> I need to be kept in line, I need to defy for sheer satisfaction of retribution? 

Personally speaking, I don't have much scorn or wrath.  Sounds like you
want a sub to have the personality of a pimp, or a misoginyst (sp) guy
with a short fuse.  "Hey, bitch, I told to bring me a cold beer.  You call
this cold?  I'm going have to strap your ass to teach you lesson, you
cunt."   I don't know if I could say these lines with straight face, but I
guess I could learn.  Good luck.
 
You are going to have to give him some pretty explicit lessons. 
Perhaps, go together to some master who treats you like you
wish to be treated, so he can see what you are talking about.
 
Cheers,
Michael
 



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 8:21:47 AM)

Lol, no, nothing quite that steep, although I hear some love this type of treatment, it does not sit well with me.  I say it in humor, yes, I do enjoy sporting a good bruise on my ass, or have my nips so tender I remember the night before.  Insults don't go very far with either of us.  I just like it rough, a good spank when I am being a brat, etc.  All of my calculations, like most subs are intentional and deliberate, attention seeking when I see fit, which isn't to often.  I am quite capable of being a good girl and often am, but once in a while, I like to get a rise out of him, it's all in good fun.  For example, I gave him a fair swat on the ass the other night with a plastic cutting board, he told me it hurt but didn't react.  About a half hour had past and he was in striking distance again, whap.....this time he got mad.  I was hoping he would get me, he is learning.  Another time in the past, we were at a club and he was being a real stiff, so I poured ice down his shirt, not a whole cup, just enough to tell him to knock his shit off, lets just say it did not sit to well.  These are the only things I have done to get his attention within the past 6 months.  We talked about those specific issues last night, I think I saw a light bulb go off *grin*



lilsinnergirl -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 8:40:18 AM)

I was collard to my former Master for 13 years. After that ended, I married a man that I truly loved and still love and He was not a Dom type person. He tried a little, but couldn't do it...I tried to live with this, but after five years I could no long do it. I left the marriage, He understood because I never hid my past and I was always honest and open with him. We are still friends to this day and we still love each other, but know we can't live together and be truly happy. If you love someone...let them go...you know the saying.
I am a lot happier now that I am free to search out what I need....a very strict Man to help me be the best person I can be. If you look deep in your heart you'll know what to do...either love eachother enough to let it go and go find what it is your really looking for or live with what you have and be unhappy.

respectfully
spider, just a girl



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 9:13:55 AM)

It appears you cannot hear what I am saying and choose to disect to your own benefit of dwelling harshness.  To boot,  you  have had nothing constructive to say.  My mother always said, "If someone is so outwardly negative towards others, it has a lot to say about how they feel of themselves."  She also said "For every finger you point at another, you h ave 3 more pointing right back at you!"

I am not finger pointing, I am trying to communicate an issue we are having, voicing both of our feelings and actions to the best of my ability.  Now you incinuating I brow beat, or insult, is just that.  Not only does my loving partner agree with all that I have written, he has stated these very same things during our relationship.  In addition, it would be helpful if you read all of the posts before you post.  Why you chose me for a personal attack is odd but fruitless.  Perhaps tact would serve us both well here.

As Synergy says "Just a thought, could be wrong"



Kalira -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 9:19:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

It appears you cannot hear what I am saying and choose to disect to your own benefit of dwelling harshness.  To boot,  you  have had nothing constructive to say.  My mother always said, "If someone is so outwardly negative towards others, it has a lot to say about how they feel of themselves."  She also said "For every finger you point at another, you h ave 3 more pointing right back at you!"

I am not finger pointing, I am trying to communicate an issue we are having, voicing both of our feelings and actions to the best of my ability.  Now you incinuating I brow beat, or insult, is just that.  Not only does my loving partner agree with all that I have written, he has stated these very same things during our relationship.  In addition, it would be helpful if you read all of the posts before you post.  Why you chose me for a personal attack is odd but fruitless.  Perhaps tact would serve us both well here.

As Synergy says "Just a thought, could be wrong"


Actually, I hear, read, and comprehend very well. With that said, I stand by every one of my statements.

I wish you the best in your reprogramming of him.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 9:21:38 AM)


"I wish you the best in reprogramming him"

Case in point.



Kalira -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 12:24:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine


"I wish you the best in reprogramming him"

Case in point.

They were YOUR own words, not mine sweet cakes.
quote:

  I am seeking information on reprogramming what he was plugged up with from the get go. 




WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 12:51:37 PM)

Pick apart at will, later posts defined further.  Why this is so personal to you is beyond me, I won't be offended if you move on.

Moving on, we would like to get back on topic, as of late a whole slew of positive and constructive ideas came through,  we would like to hear more.  We have purchased and read  these books "Screw the roses, send me the thorns", "BDSM 101" and "The Masters Manual"   

Me;
Although he is grasping a better understanding, he still lacks the power to wield it.  How do I give this to him?  I have been ultimately subby, since he is new to this realm, he doesnt understand what it is I am doing, grrr.  We have communicated tons, and he tries, yet he is still apprehensive about actually hurting me, what he cannot comprehend is my unusually high tolerance to pain. 

Him;
I am bad at signals, always have been, but that is another story.  Most prior relationships consisted of women who were very basic sexually.  I wanted to try things, but wasnt allowed, pulling hair and spanking mostly.  Now I have her and I don't know what to do, she wants these things, she wants them to degrees I cannot get.  I want to please her, how does hurting her please her?



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:31:31 PM)

I have been fortunate, and I am sorry for your loss.  Thus far my partner is making small steps towards acting on his instincts.  It is trying at times, thank god we have a sense of humor.  I know he is capable of this, he has been supressed so long it has become habitual for him.  Now it is time he comes into his own, not by being pushed down but held high.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:36:21 PM)

We are finding that his desire to try what I like is for the experience and not the enjoyment.  We didn't realize this until I did wax play with him, then knife play, trimming, although he trusted me, he was not in a happy place.  I am finding he learns best by demonstration, however getting him to feel comfy to be authoritative is gonna be a hurdle.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:39:32 PM)

We are considering an instructional dom with no play involved at all.  We are going to give it some time and a lot of communication before taking that route.  Sometimes good willing Doms have ulterior motives which makes us both a tad apprehensive.  Yups, I do love him, and that is what will see us through.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:43:54 PM)

I don't think he has an ego (trying to help him there), only time he rises to a challenge is if he is sure I am wrong, grrr.   I have shown him my buttons but his lack of skill, shyness and even worse his lack of exposure to this realm is extremely confining.  I do know that sweet talking or approaching him softly doesnt work, and it should, I dont wanna be mean or stern, so hence another part of the puzzle.  This is a guy who has never undressed in front of a woman before me, finally the other night he lied naked next to me atop the covers, progress, finally.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:47:01 PM)

But how do you derive pleasure from being Dominant?  I just can't get past that barrier.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 1:50:09 PM)

I don't think he knows what he wants, it seems to me he has been used to someone always looking out for him, telling him what to do and how to behave, now here I come, and say everything different he has ever been told.  I want him to find out who he is, even if it is a sub, from there we can progress. I can see who he is capable of being, not for my benefit but in general, it is hard for me to see how he has been supressed so, now is his time to grow.



WickedlyDevine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/19/2006 2:06:28 PM)

Ok last one, Sinergy, for one I like your final statement, "Just me, could be wrong, but there ya go".  Second thank you for your excerpt about not worrying so much about defining myself.  It is hard, I dont fit in a box, I dont think anyone does, and I hate being confined to such.  Now that I am married, definition is rather pointless, when I was dating however since I couldn't proclaim one or another I was often labeled to suit others needs, which didn't go far.  I remember one time I was called a SAM (smart-ass masochist) perhaps a tad, but it wasn't all of me.  However as I write here, some cannot grasp me because I do not exist in their definition of what they think I am or should be.  So in a world full of labels, I have none in this realm, I just know who I am, conveying that can be a chore.  In addition, thank you for respecting that we do love each other, and that above all comes first as a building block.  This is just the icing on the cake, even if we both have to submit a little to each another.



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