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Aine -> RE: HELP Please!!!! (10/20/2006 9:17:33 AM)
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Being in a very, very similar situation, considering I introduced my boyfriend to the lifestyle and he immediately identified with being submissive...I can see where you are coming from, but I also think that you might be going at it the wrong way, considering how he is responding.
Or not responding, as it were.
Trying to tick him off to get the reaction you want, while might be in good fun at first and from your side, very well might turn into a character flaw on your part. You've tried it, it doesn't seem to work. Skip on the brat attitude. At least for a while.
Perhaps you should try the way I have been working for over a year with my boyfriend. It's not going to be an overnight thing. It's a long process, trust me. There's a LOT to process mentally, emotionally and physically.
I simply describe. I hate the word "tell" because I don't want to top from the bottom. But for the time being until he gets more comfortable, that is essentially what has to be done. He needs to be "shown" what it is that you like and you both need the practice. The first thing we worked on was spanking and we're still working on it to be honest because of real life cutting in on our intimate times.
I'm not going to get into all the details, but I just want to express some of the basic things that need to be kept in mind.
KISS
Keep it simple, stupid.
(Don't take offense to that last word, k?)
Baby steps. Knife play isn't generally in that category. That's generally left for people with much more experience. Physically and mentally, and yes, emotionally. The danger factor if someone is uncomfortable or nervous is elevated. Obviously. He doesn't want to hurt you. Simple.
Keep to things that are easier to adjust to. If you like it rough, like I do....baby steps. Holding your wrists above your head with one hand while using his other hand and his body to force your legs open...
Light biting, spanking, tossing you over his knee or over the bed or back of a chair etc for spankings, light pulling of the hair, not yanking, but perhaps gripping a handful while you're giving him oral, allowing him to have a little control over how deep, how fast, how slow.
Also, instead of constantly giving him direction, SHOW him your submissiveness.
Like others have said, sit or kneel at his feet while watching tv together, see to his needs, ask if he needs something from the kitchen especially if you are gettiing something for yourself, but get his FIRST then go get yours. Do little things to make him more comfortable, clean up anything that he's done using. Keep up with little things around the house so he doesn't have to worry about it.
But then again, that is if you are submissive outside of the bedroom and really want to be his sub rather than a bedroom bottom. So I'm going to include everything I can think of, take what you will from it.
Don't coerce him.
Make an example of yourself and be explicit and calm and patient and consistent. Show him that you want to submit to him. After all, yes, you want to submit, but isn't it about submitting for his pleasure? Make him comfortable, at ease with being Dominant to you. In all aspects of your life, not JUST the bedroom. That will help make the journey a bit easier to swallow and not so "shove it down your throat". Show him that you get pleasure from submitting.
And if that's not your bag....
Then it might be that you're just a bottom. But in order to get what you want, you have to be willing to give what it is that he wants as well. Like others have said, alternate. Do what he wants. Let him explore more of his submissive/bottom side.
Doing everything -over time- will help you both in finding out what it is that you both want out of your relationship.
Helping my boyfriend explore his submissive side showed him that there's very little on that side that he really enjoyed. At least thus far and has been exploring more on the Dominant side. But again, it all has to do with mood and emotional state at that point in time. Sometimes I feel quite Dominant and I know it's there and for the most part I can call on it whenever I want. But with him, I'm more submissive. But being submissive actually helped him see his own submissiveness and helped him identify, and once we had gotten comfortable there, he was willing to continue exploring some of your more, run of the mill Dominant activities with me.
And for him, I could see that it was a bit of a struggle because he is VERY respectful of women, he's a total momma's boy and the favorite in a family full of girls. Do I or did I find that he needed to be "reprogrammed"? Absolutely not.
I still want him to be himself, respectful of me and all women and especially his mom. I don't want to kill the momma's boy. He just needed to know that it IS ok for him to spank me until I cried, to fuck my ass until I was in subspace and pretty much passed out, that it was ok for him to cuff my arms above my head and put me on my knees and fuck me like a bitch in heat while using my hair like a bit on a horse to pull me back onto him. And I would love him for it, I would glow and beg for it and curl up against his chest afterwards, being held as his babygirl, and cherished.
I asked for those things. I described what it was that I needed. And if he gave it to me, I was honored. I don't play brat to get it. I ask for him to give it to me. Yes, we are also good-natured and have senses of humour about WIITWD. But there are times for it and there are not. I brat to him only when it's agreed upon that that is what we are doing that night. It's a mini-scene. I don't brat just to brat. Perhaps you need to set up a scene(s) where you both agree to you being the little brat and getting a spanking for doing something wrong.
He might be more receptive to that.
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