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MasterFireMaam -> RE: Too Awkward to Discuss with Friends (10/18/2006 9:10:39 AM)
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This totally ended up longer than I intended, but, sometimes, relaying stories that may or may not be like your own can help you in the thinking processes. I’m sure that this will spark some conversation (and flaming)…and that conversation might help you figure things out.
I’ve never had the urge to have children, so, in the end, I don’t totally understand it. Because of this, throughout my adult life, I’ve asked friends why they had kids. These are some of the answers I got and my rebuttals.
To have someone love me. Learn to love yourself. This way, you understand that value of your own self-worth instead of basing it on the love of someone else. Relying on someone else to love you in order to validate your own self worth will ALWAYS lead to failure because no one will love you they way you want forever. Thus, your validation is taken away and you and you’re self-esteem are left to crash. Now, a dog or a cat…they are much more apt love you like that for their entire lives (provided you don’t mistreat them). Pets and children are a lot alike…but children will “grow up” and become their own person. There is no guarantee that they will love you once they do…or that you will even want them to!
To have someone to love. Why do you have to have a child in order to do this? There are plenty of children…hell, there are plenty of adults…that you can love. Not to mention pets.
To have something of me left in the world. Unless you are of high genetic quality, meaning one of those people who rarely gets sick or has a better physiology than most, like Lance Armstrong (his natural physiology is what made him the awesome competitor he was), there’s really no need for your specific genes. In fact, if you are of poor health or have genetically induced problems, like heart disease, mental illness or what not, the human race is a lot better off, genetically, if you don’t have children. (This is my primary logical reason for not having children, btw.) There are many ways to leave your mark on society and leave a legacy.
To be able to pass on learning/tradition. Again, why do you need a genetic child in order to do this? There are plenty of children…hell, plenty of adults…who could use your guidance. Adopt. Be a Scout leader. Join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Be a counselor. Be a teacher. All these things have value and are perfect avenues for passing on your personal folklore.
So I won’t die alone and to have someone to take care of me when I’m old (one of my mother’s reasons for having me). Hey, mom…I could die tomorrow. And, since you won’t get a phone, you’re most likely to die alone now. There are no guarantees about who will or will not be with you at the time of your death or even if your children will actually love you in the way you wish. My brother talks to mom about twice a year. She hasn’t seen her grandchildren in over a year. Honestly, you might as well go to Vegas with the odd you’re playing with.
Because God said to “Go forth and multiply.” Ummm….that was, according to your records, about 6000 years ago. We didn’t have a whole lot of people then. It behooved us to do so. It no longer does. There will come a time, quicker than most think, that overpopulation will be a REAL issue. The projections about the consumption of fresh water alone, and the availability of such, are pretty grim. Did you know that this year's world grain harvest will fall short of consumption by 61 million tons? That’s a lot of starving babies and adults. Why subject new children to that? No, it won’t be YOUR baby…but…http://www.overpopulation.org/
A child is the ultimate bond between two people. Why? Because you get to do all the above things as a team? How much you wanna bet that the person you have children with will still be with you in 20 years? 10 years? 5? How many people get divorced and then use this “ultimate bond” as a way to manipulate and hurt the other partner? We’ve all seen it. Children deserve better.
There is something intimate and empowering about being pregnant or your partner being pregnant. Hmmm…I have to admit that this is true for a great deal of people. And, empowerment can be hard to find. BUT, there ARE other ways to feel empowered. I’d argue that this isn’t a valid reason to have a child any more than because you want someone to love you is valid. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It’s heartbreaking how many unwanted children there are in the world and how they are used to manipulate. I grew up in rural NC. I can remember hearing a girl in high school say, literally, “Momma says it’s time to have another baby. We need the check.” WTF?
Having a child gives another soul the opportunity to come to this life and learn the lessons it needs to learn. This is the only valid reason I can think of to actually have a child. This is the only reason I’ve heard that focuses on the child, not the parent. But, many simply do not follow this spiritual path, and many more don’t find it valid if they recognize it exists. Even so, it’s not excuse to be irresponsible about overpopulation. Souls have an eternity to wait for their chance to learn.
I know I seem WAY cynical…and I suppose I am. But, maybe, just maybe, because I don’t have the urge to have children, I’m able to look at it from an objective point of view. Having children for all but one of the above reasons just doesn’t make sense to me. It took me a LONG time to realize that my statement of, “Yeah, I’d like to have children someday” was me simply trying to avoid societal pressure that every women should not only have children, but actually WANT to have children. I don’t, in either case. You’d also be surprised at how many of the same friends I talked to admitted they’d not have had children if they knew then what they know now.
In the end, we can only decide for ourselves (right now). The desire to have children is a powerful urge…and we DO need to procreate in order to survive. But, I put forth that children should be precious, precious beings and experience the best life we can possibly provide, without us having ulterior, selfish motives. One day, we WILL have to have some kind of birth rate control. Perhaps then, children will be respected for the life that they are, not what they can do for us.
Master Fire
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