RE: Not knowing what you do not know

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Not knowing what you do not know

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Not knowing what you do not know

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/21/2006 10:36:56 AM

PoeticPrincess

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline

People don't walk into initial meetings with forehead tattoos saying "I'm crazy" or we'd know what we want to know and avoid them; instead they reveal their craziness bit by bit so it doesn't seem so bad at first but only after a while does it get to a point above a threshhold where you go "This is fucked up".

Hullo everybody. This is my first post so please bear with me. The above quote says it all. We have all enjoyed having our limits stretched, Im sure. But sometimes the moment comes when you dont feel safe anymore, or you do not feel listened to. At that point a hard decision has to be made. Either leave or negotiate. If the negotiations have been fraught from the beginning, then one probably has to leave, but if this is the first time, then negotiating might save the day. I left. Before I became a partner to abuse, but after I had learned plenty about my own psyche. Very interesting part of the scene to me.. self-discovery!
Best to all
Lolly

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/22/2006 4:05:25 PM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

You are an arrogant person but I accept you 'apology'.

(in reply to Focus50)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/22/2006 4:50:47 PM

subjected2006

Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline

I was just going to shut up and get the bisquits in the oven first but I gotta say this.
Sometimes it's going to be a great first and sometimes not.
I would say you are doing well..you are asking questions..listening to critique.(even disguised as advice).
Look kiddo,(everyone is kiddo...most cops are younger than me even..)
there are some things ,like breath play, choking.,fire, cutting,things that are obviously too dangerous to play at without someone right there who has the experience.
Learn that ..live that ...and you will be safe,and you will get a good rep.
If a mistake can cost a life or have permanant repercussions..get real live help..that's my
advice.
Start out small.

_____________________________

a rose is a rose..

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/22/2006 7:42:01 PM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

Subjected2006: I respect you.

(in reply to subjected2006)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/22/2006 8:40:04 PM

DarkSideisXTC

Posts: 13
Status: offline

One of the reasons D's relationships tend to be so deep, is that we must really work on communication. One big mistake especially a new Dom can make is once you get your subbie into orbit, flying etc. she will not be able to use safe words and sometimes is not even able to speak. It takes time and knowledge before one should push limits. To do so too early is to invite a really bad experience.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/22/2006 9:52:05 PM

sunnydays

Posts: 116
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline

i feel this is a pace wher esafe words are invaluable... if she realises things are getting too much.. just uttering a safe word.. or a pre arranged signal should make things like his not happen as often

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/23/2006 4:02:06 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PiercedDaz

You are an arrogant person but I accept you 'apology'.

First pompous; now arrogant? Lol, I'm on fire....

Will you respect me, too, if I limit myself to only telling you what you wanna hear and phrasing it in a manner you might approve of?

Needless to say, I'm done here.... <shrugs>

Focus.

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/23/2006 10:13:01 AM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

As I said, your 'apology' is accepted.

(in reply to Focus50)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/24/2006 7:00:35 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You don't start by exploring your darkest dreams and desires. Fantasies are almost always rougher than we can take, that's why they're fantasies.

You start with the mildest thing imaginable and one that is appealing to both of you to give you both the best shot at coming out of the experience happy. You repeat that very mild experience several times, till you are positive that you won't get the tie wrong, pull her arm back too far, hit too hard. You ask for feedback and give it. Which does not mean anxiously saying "that wasn't too hard, was it". You look at body language and respond to that, if she's all stiff and tense she isn't enjoying it at all, that's when you start stroking her back and saying it'll be okay before moving to something you know she likes.If she's soft and moaning, that's the time to lean down and say"You're so hot, aren't you baby" and you continue what caused it.

You talk things out ahead of time and pay attention to what makes her tense up, to what makes her eyes sparkle, to what she says "yes please" to and what gets an "I guess, if you insist" as a reaction. You also go out for coffee or a walk later or the next day and talk over what happened, what she wants to try again, what she never wants to try again. But you don't do stuff to push her limits until you've established a trustworthy relationship, and the time required for that depends on her, not on you.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/24/2006 7:46:25 AM

Ava82

Posts: 55
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

You don't start by exploring your darkest dreams and desires. Fantasies are almost always rougher than we can take, that's why they're fantasies.

That's a very good point, Celeste. I know, as a newbie, I want things to happen RIGHT NOW. I want my elaborate fantasies done yesterday! It just takes so long to get up the courage to start the ball rolling with this lifestyle...you are impatient when you finally bust out.

Baby steps and self restraint are the way to do it, I think. For a young Dom to learn self restraint is imperative. And I believe it will pay off in spades later.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/25/2006 8:53:59 PM

DevilsVendetta

Posts: 63
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

Though a good Master should be able to read his submissive enough to understand when something is too far, she should speak up. If anyone was the fault of that relationship failing, it was the submissive

_____________________________

God is naught but the values that surround him, my honor is the only deity I will give lip service

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Not knowing what you do not know - 10/26/2006 10:49:02 AM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PiercedDaz
the simple question is: If you are willing to explore your darkest limits, how do you know what you do not know?

You can't.

A few years back, when TENS units were just becoming available and trendy, I knew a woman who was fascinated by the idea of electrical play. She'd been played on with a violet wand, and loved it - and was eager for her first TENS experience.

There were a couple of good, experienced tops there, also quite eager to play with the new toy. Everyone expected it to be quite a bit of fun.

She went, almost immediately, into shock - so panicked she couldn't even safeword. Luckily, one of the tops spotted trouble, and pulled the plug. An hour later, the bottom was still shakey, but okay - and the tops were pretty shakey themselves, but okay.

These things happen. They happen more often to edgeplayers, but they happen. When they happen, you back off, and try to patch up what just got broken, and you get a good reminder about caution, and have a good story to use as an illustrative point later in life.

Because, well - These Things Happen.

This is why most folks are well-advised to take baby steps and get more intense *very* slowly - so when one of These Things Happens, the damage is minimized.

As far as your friend goes, if she didn't realize until afterward that she was "being physically and emotionally abused", she wasn't. She played too deep, and got hurt - but that's not abuse, that's a mistake, for which she shares responsibility.

I've never had any sympathy for a "poor abused victim" who didn't realize until afterward that they were being abused. That's a drama queen (of either gender), not a victim.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Profile

Post #: 32