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Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 4:35:28 AM   
StrapOnFreak


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline
Hi everyone,

I'm not going to name names except to say that the Domme involved has many years of experience and a high profile. Anyway before I knew anything about the whole lifestyle BDSM scene I went to see a ProDomme to do a scene involving bondage, CP and anal play. Afterwards we were talking and I explained to her that BDSM was too much a part of me for me to just play for an hour at a time and where could I go to at least meet more people that were like me. She told me that sometimes people organized play parties, but generally there wasn't much of a non-professional scene. Later on I did a google search and found out about the whole lifestyle thing, went to a club, met some people and started going to munches and play parties and the like. I'm still single, but I've met a great bunch of people and I'm confident that I'll be able to meet the Domme of my dreams, no thanks to my ProDomme friend.

Is it just me or was this behaviour totally wrong and unethical? This woman would have been in the scene long enough to know all about nonpro BDSM, so what she told me was a blatant lie. She also would have known that I was a serious Sub and not just some loser looking for kinky sex because before I 'd been told what BDSM was by an escort she knew who I hired for strap-on and turned down the sex even though I didn't come. For the sake of a chance at a few extra dollars (which she wouldn't have got anyway she was totally lame) she was prepared to see me stay at the level of paying for BDSM by the hour and possibly getting into a vanilla marriage, ruining some other woman's love life in the process. The escort that I saw had far more morals than her, giving up what would have been a regular client who wouldn't even have wanted sex to make sure I went in the direction that was right for me.

BTW I have nothing against the idea of ProDommes in general, it would give a lot of Subs who are married to vanilla partners their only chance to explore their real sexuality. I just think they should have a code of ethics the same as doctors. I look at what happened as on a par with a doctor keeping a patient, who he can cure, who doesn't even have that much money (I'm a 20yo college kid) sick to keep the money coming in.

Now that I've got the bitching out of the way, how common is this sort of behaviour among the "serious" ProDommes? ProDommes, clients or anyone else please feel free to comment.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 5:15:01 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline
You get what you pay for. This is irregular controll freak behavior for any normal person. Pro or not, move on. BDSM is suppose to be fun for the most part and not filled with this Mumbo Jumbo Drama.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 10/22/2006 5:19:00 AM >


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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 5:22:59 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
Would YOU kill the goose that laid the golden egg?
 
It's a Business!  Distilleries don't offer booze free of charge to Alcoholics.  Jenny Craig doesn't offer her plan free of charge to the obese.  Wake up!
 
The needy create the market then get all bent that they have to pay for their neediness.  It's supply and demand.

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I'm not inflatable.


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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 5:44:12 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline
Greetings,
 
Don't expect to get any sympathy here.   What you say is obvious.  Too bad those
here don't see it that way.

Cheers,
Michael 


[quote]ORIGINAL: StrapOnFreak

Hi everyone,

I'm not going to name names except to say that the Domme involved has many years of experience and a high profile. Anyway before I knew anything about the whole lifestyle BDSM scene I went to see a ProDomme to do a scene involving bondage, CP and anal play. Afterwards we were talking and I explained to her that BDSM was too much a part of me for me to just play for an hour at a time and where could I go to at least meet more people that were like me. She told me that sometimes people organized play parties, but generally there wasn't much of a non-professional scene. Later on I did a google search and found out about the whole lifestyle thing, went to a club, met some people and started going to munches and play parties and the like. I'm still single, but I've met a great bunch of people and I'm confident that I'll be able to meet the Domme of my dreams, no thanks to my ProDomme friend.

Is it just me or was this behaviour totally wrong and unethical? This woman would have been in the scene long enough to know all about nonpro BDSM, so what she told me was a blatant lie. She also would have known that I was a serious Sub and not just some loser looking for kinky sex because before I 'd been told what BDSM was by an escort she knew who I hired for strap-on and turned down the sex even though I didn't come. For the sake of a chance at a few extra dollars (which she wouldn't have got anyway she was totally lame) she was prepared to see me stay at the level of paying for BDSM by the hour and possibly getting into a vanilla marriage, ruining some other woman's love life in the process. The escort that I saw had far more morals than her, giving up what would have been a regular client who wouldn't even have wanted sex to make sure I went in the direction that was right for me.

BTW I have nothing against the idea of ProDommes in general, it would give a lot of Subs who are married to vanilla partners their only chance to explore their real sexuality. I just think they should have a code of ethics the same as doctors. I look at what happened as on a par with a doctor keeping a patient, who he can cure, who doesn't even have that much money (I'm a 20yo college kid) sick to keep the money coming in.

Now that I've got the bitching out of the way, how common is this sort of behaviour among the "serious" ProDommes? ProDommes, clients or anyone else please feel free to comment.
[/quote]


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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 5:44:55 AM   
DivaExMachina


Posts: 15
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline
I think that's a bit harsh.  If I was paying a professional for a service and asked for their advice, I would expect them to be honest.  Biased, yes, but essentially honest.  Lying to customers is counterproductive.  People remember that sort of thing and tell their friends to stay away.

Edited to add:  I really don't know anything about Pro-dommes in particular.  I am a straight submissive female.  I just think that professionals ought to behave in a professional manner.




< Message edited by DivaExMachina -- 10/22/2006 5:46:39 AM >

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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 5:49:53 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
The flip side is that one only needs to reference the postings here to see subs complain that they can't find lifestyle dommes to be in relationships with (whatever that relationship is).  We have a new one daily, it seems.

However, you are heading in the right direction to try to find a lifestyle domme - getting off the computer and out in your local scene.   It won't happen overnight, and you can't build a relationship on finding someone who will perform x, y, z sexual activity to you, but if you dig a little deeper and are look for the woman as well as the domme, it can work.

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Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 6:00:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
Code of ethics?!?!?!?!?

Well in a perfect world all business people would have a code of ethics but in my 44 years, a good 30 of them paying for shit.....I have found that very few business people consistantly display that of which you write.

Example.....I am in a business in a small city that also has 3-4 other companies doing pretty much the same thing. Of course I want the customers for our product to think we are the best in all ways.....product, service, value. Of course in reality that is probably not the case. Each has its strengths and weaknesses. BUT, if a customer asks me if we are the best for his needs, do you REALLY think I am going to say, "ohhh noooooooooooo, you can get that service free at Xshop" Hellllllllllllllllllll no! It is business baby! Granted, I am more straightforward than most and if I think the customer needs something we will not do as well as another place based upon equipment restrictions I will tell them who can do it better for them. I do this because I believe it actually builds customer trust. BUT, if I know our company can provide the service they seek for a fair price I sure as hell am not going to tell them a college student in town is willing to do it free.

Shopping around is the customer's responsibility not the providers of the service.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 7:00:21 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
Well, i guess like the medical profession, there are quacks in ProDommery too.  Think you found one.  i don't think it's common, but sure, it exists.

The ProDomme i knew often referred her clients to my group to meet others in the lifestyle.  She knew just because one finds a lifestyle group and makes some connections, they won't nescessarily drop seeing a Pro because if they pay, they can dictate, while if they pair up they may not find a Domme that wants to do things thier way.  For Her, the goodwill of being honest helped Her KEEP business, not shuttle it out the door.

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 7:31:45 AM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
When I had my studio I used to invite my good clients to parties, then introduce them to lifestyle dominas I thought might be interested in them.  I never lost a client to a lifestyler (although I would have been happy to had it been a match).  Generally what it ultimately did was bind the client to me when they realized that I was more interested in their happiness than in the all mighty dollar.  They usually had a very fun party, got to serve someone new, and didn't have to pay for it (beyond helping me clean up after the party).  Nor did they hang on me all night for reassurance.  Win/Win

Have you considered the possibility that perhaps the domme either didn't KNOW about the local lifestyle scene or had a bad experience with them and didn't feel comfortable referring you?  Often there is a disparity between the lifestyle and pro scene because pros get sick of the judgement from the lifestylers and the two groups tend to polarize a bit.  Pros also tend to be a bit less willing to play according to someone else's "rules" which can be seen in any party with dungeon monitors.  So they go to parties with rules they prefer and, if they are social animals, socialize with others they are like minded with.  This is often other pros.

I'm not saying this is the case, I'm saying have you considered the possibility that she wasn't just trying to 'corner your market'?


_____________________________

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 7:56:34 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrapOnFreak

Hi everyone,

I'm not going to name names except to say that the Domme involved has many years of experience and a high profile. Anyway before I knew anything about the whole lifestyle BDSM scene I went to see a ProDomme to do a scene involving bondage, CP and anal play. Afterwards we were talking and I explained to her that BDSM was too much a part of me for me to just play for an hour at a time and where could I go to at least meet more people that were like me. She told me that sometimes people organized play parties, but generally there wasn't much of a non-professional scene. Later on I did a google search and found out about the whole lifestyle thing, went to a club, met some people and started going to munches and play parties and the like. I'm still single, but I've met a great bunch of people and I'm confident that I'll be able to meet the Domme of my dreams, no thanks to my ProDomme friend.

Is it just me or was this behaviour totally wrong and unethical? This woman would have been in the scene long enough to know all about nonpro BDSM, so what she told me was a blatant lie. She also would have known that I was a serious Sub and not just some loser looking for kinky sex because before I 'd been told what BDSM was by an escort she knew who I hired for strap-on and turned down the sex even though I didn't come. For the sake of a chance at a few extra dollars (which she wouldn't have got anyway she was totally lame) she was prepared to see me stay at the level of paying for BDSM by the hour and possibly getting into a vanilla marriage, ruining some other woman's love life in the process. The escort that I saw had far more morals than her, giving up what would have been a regular client who wouldn't even have wanted sex to make sure I went in the direction that was right for me.

BTW I have nothing against the idea of ProDommes in general, it would give a lot of Subs who are married to vanilla partners their only chance to explore their real sexuality. I just think they should have a code of ethics the same as doctors. I look at what happened as on a par with a doctor keeping a patient, who he can cure, who doesn't even have that much money (I'm a 20yo college kid) sick to keep the money coming in.

Now that I've got the bitching out of the way, how common is this sort of behaviour among the "serious" ProDommes? ProDommes, clients or anyone else please feel free to comment.


Frank,

First I admit I haven't read any of the replies to your post.  Before doing so, I will ask you this one question. You went to a Prodomme for a paid session, and asked her about the lifestyle... I am just wondering, how did you come across this Pro, without first discovering that there was indeed a very active BDSM community in NYC?  I would think if you could find her, then you would also find that there was much more than just Prodommes in the NYC scene.

There is such a vast difference in how Professionals handle their clients.  Considering her a friend might have been the biggest mistake you have made.  When I was a Pro (several years ago, btw) my negotiating process before actually doing a session, was always to encourage someone to become more involved in TES and other groups if they could.  If they were in a committed but vanilla relationship, then I would make suggestions to how they could use a subtle approach in involving their partner in their desires. 

I've known about many so called Dominants, that were really clueless about the community around them. Perhaps she was one of them.  And if that wasn't the case in your situation, one really never knows these things about others who they only met, or played with for an hour.. I am not sure this person had any obligation to direct you to where you could find an outlet for your submissive desires. You clearly was able to find the stuff on your own after your google, so I don't know why the bitching about it at all.  IMO, she owed you nothing more than the session you paid for.

No, it wouldn't be how I would handle your questions if I was still a Prodomme, (although I have a under 21 rule), but everyone is different.

Now that you know, I wish you luck in your search,

Nina

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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 8:08:07 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
Be warned.. this is a rant:
 
And now off we go!  Every pro domme here will get more free ad time.
 
Every pro domme was once a free-domme that decided to charge.
 
There is no diploma needed.
 
There is no skill evaluation needed to start.
 
There is only ego, the desire for money and a willing "client".
 
They will accommodate those submissively inclined that do not wish to take the time necessary or just cannot find what they are looking for to their own personal specification.. so they hire their fantasy.
 
I'm sure the "regular. good paying customers" are kept.. and those that are the "just too weird for words" or the seldom seen are given the information you were hoping for.  It's just good business.
 
For those that will come back and say "Hey.. my clothes and dungeon equipment and space aren't cheap".. well.. wasn't it your choice to go into the business in the first place?
 
I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired of all these pro threads. It all ends the same "they take my time, they cost me money, I need to dress the part".. if it's SO much trouble..find a different venue for  employment or realize you are going to constantly have to face the situation of being derided.
These guys wake up and they start to ask questions eventually.  And there will always be those that are willing to do the "Come to Jesus" talk.  

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/22/2006 8:10:22 AM >


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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 8:10:37 AM   
orfunboi


Posts: 1223
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline
i have never seen a ProDomme act like this. All the ones i know, are very helpful when it comes to helping new people into this lifestyle. In fact most of them are involved in groups and munches that have nothing to do with being regular professionals or trying to make a buck. In the years that i have been on the committee of MiChatOhs (an educational and social group) we have had several ProDommes come and give demonstrations and lectures. They never mentioned the ProDomme part of this and simply taught classes on WIIWD. In fact they didn't even charge the group for their time, they did it simply to be nice and share their knowledge with those interested. It is sad that you happened to run into a jerk, but fact is, there are a lot of them out their. Just try not to judge the rest of the ladies based on one bad experience. ProDommes are not the devil. The only difference between them and NonPros is they probibly enjoy going to work more than most.

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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 8:30:29 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Be warned.. this is a rant:
 
And now off we go!  Every pro domme here will get more free ad time.
 


Lotus Song,

I do respect your posts.  And I agree with the trend of these threads. I too am a bit sick of seeing all the moaning about the Pro's as much as I am about the "Why do they say this in  mail?" and the "Why don't they read my profile" threads.

That being said, this is a personal advertising site, so every pro/ lifestyle /part time/ full time Master / Mistress/ slave / sub /married /single / etc, are getting their free ad time here.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, there are many, many places to advertise for "business" than here in a discussion forum.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
Every pro domme was once a free-domme that decided to charge.
 
There is no diploma needed.
 
There is no skill evaluation needed to start.
 
There is only ego, the desire for money and a willing "client".


IMO, you could also change the word client to slave/ submissive and replace the word money with service or/and sex, and the same could be true for any one who calls themself Master/Mistress, Dominant/Domina..

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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 9:03:30 AM   
degradess


Posts: 68
Joined: 7/15/2005
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I am kind of sick of seeing those pro-domme rants also.  If someone wants to pay then so be it....but I also do sessions just for fun.  I don't contact them , they contact me.  And to respond to the question of referring someone to the local groups..the one here is almost dead from non participation, I've been to the meetings.  The group in Appleton is now defunct also, so the scene up here is not that vigirous. 

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 9:12:13 AM   
demistress


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline
I would say the behavior is uncommon, and I would suggest she MIGHT have either been unaware, or had other motives as well.  Yes, there are greedy pro-domme out there, who are all in it for the money.  From what I've seen and talked with others about, my experience, and thiers, tends to be that pro-domme are women who get bombarded with constant and overwhelming demand for time and attention.  Instead of just turning down everyone they go pro, and give people who would otherwise never have the option, a way to play with them.  I just got started in my local 'scene'.  I am still waiting to see the dynamic when more of them realize I do professional sessions.  I'm not hiding it, but I'm not exactly screaming it from the mountain tops.

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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 9:29:50 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: demistress

I would say the behavior is uncommon, and I would suggest she MIGHT have either been unaware, or had other motives as well.  Yes, there are greedy pro-domme out there, who are all in it for the money.  From what I've seen and talked with others about, my experience, and thiers, tends to be that pro-domme are women who get bombarded with constant and overwhelming demand for time and attention.  Instead of just turning down everyone they go pro, and give people who would otherwise never have the option, a way to play with them.  I just got started in my local 'scene'.  I am still waiting to see the dynamic when more of them realize I do professional sessions.  I'm not hiding it, but I'm not exactly screaming it from the mountain tops.


The average life of a Pro is about 2 years- if they are in demand.  Where do I get my info?  From TALKING to them over the years.. by talking to those who were clients. If someone has been doing it for years.. I would have to ask how many they see consistantly in one day. 
 
The burnout is high because you DO get the ones that just come to play and there is no connection other than the fee for play.  It's like going to a wonderful banquet in which all your favorites are laid before you and you fill your plate,  put the food in your mouth only to realize you may chew but not swallow.
 
Then you get the the ones everybody else refuses ..and you eventually will take them because too much refusing of  "clients" is not good for business. It will wear on you and ruin your reputation eventually.  A happy customer will tell his freinds..but an unhappy person will tell thousands. 
 
We do have a forum here for advertising of services- under Professional Services.  Maybe we need a new forum for just Professional Person's Discussion- or ask a Pro?

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/22/2006 9:30:22 AM >


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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 9:32:57 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
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I say,"lie and let live."  If there wasn't a market for Pros, they'd all be out of business; it's called the Law of Supply and Demand in Economics 101.


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RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 9:55:10 AM   
demistress


Posts: 391
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From: Dela-where?
Status: offline
Lotus, I'm sure you're right about burn-out with subs, but it does NOT seem to be a concern ONLY of pros.  I've heard plenty of women on here who are non pro bitch and moan because of their subs, and express feelings that fall within the 'burn-out' category. 

I'm also sure that if that is a woman's sole source of income, and she feels she must take ANY client that that is true.  I personally work a full time IT job, and feel it's a good use of my free time, like taking the plumber next door's Website Project.  As it happens, I only session with those I actually LIKE as people, I insist on meeting for a meal and long, in-depth conversation first, which can be done discretely as I have the web-site-design-consultation expectation when I go out. 

I don't come on these forums to find clients, and as far as I know, have not been contacted by anyone for sessions on here.. why?  Because the vast majority of men ON these forums are much more "lifestyle" oriented.  That works for me, because I amm first, foremost, and always a lifestyle domme, and my PRIMARY focus here is doing research, and gaining insight and understanding into and for my personal relationships. 

BUT that being said, when someone asks a question of, directed to, or about pro-domme, I feel perfectly justified in answering.  I certainly don't think of it as free advertising, although I suppose it could be viewed that way.  I didn't put the post up, and you probably won't EVER see me put up a topic about pro-domming, because that's not WHY I come HERE. 

If you put a professional's forum on here, that'd be great, a good way for pros to exchange safety, and session information, etc. but I wouldn't feel inclined nor obligated to "stay out" of the rest of the forums, nor do I feel I should. 

You have always had my respect, but I respectfully disagree because it seems most of your comments in this last post are based on women who subsist soley on sessions, I do not think that is the majority of us on THIS forum, certainly not the majority of the active pro-domme members.

< Message edited by demistress -- 10/22/2006 9:56:54 AM >


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www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is this behavior common among Pro Dommes? - 10/22/2006 11:11:32 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
I don't begrudge anyone their method of earning an income or pin money.  You do what you gotta do :)
 
Nor am I trying to steer any one away from the professional venue.
 
I just think there is way too much mystique about it and I'm just sharing what I know for sure. Think of it like Toto pulling the curtain away from the Wizard. People can take it or leave it.  It's just an opinion.
 
But it got me thinking.. for the fem subs out there in the same "can't find a Master"  dilemma, what do the majority of them do?  Maybe the male subs can  compare notes.
 
But then the guys have the money and it's easier just to buy what you need.

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RE: Is this behaviour common among ProDommes? - 10/22/2006 11:16:36 AM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrapOnFreak

Hi everyone,

I'm not going to name names except to say that the Domme involved has many years of experience and a high profile. Anyway before I knew anything about the whole lifestyle BDSM scene I went to see a ProDomme to do a scene involving bondage, CP and anal play. Afterwards we were talking and I explained to her that BDSM was too much a part of me for me to just play for an hour at a time and where could I go to at least meet more people that were like me. She told me that sometimes people organized play parties, but generally there wasn't much of a non-professional scene. Later on I did a google search and found out about the whole lifestyle thing, went to a club, met some people and started going to munches and play parties and the like. I'm still single, but I've met a great bunch of people and I'm confident that I'll be able to meet the Domme of my dreams, no thanks to my ProDomme friend.

Is it just me or was this behaviour totally wrong and unethical? This woman would have been in the scene long enough to know all about nonpro BDSM, so what she told me was a blatant lie. She also would have known that I was a serious Sub and not just some loser looking for kinky sex because before I 'd been told what BDSM was by an escort she knew who I hired for strap-on and turned down the sex even though I didn't come. For the sake of a chance at a few extra dollars (which she wouldn't have got anyway she was totally lame) she was prepared to see me stay at the level of paying for BDSM by the hour and possibly getting into a vanilla marriage, ruining some other woman's love life in the process. The escort that I saw had far more morals than her, giving up what would have been a regular client who wouldn't even have wanted sex to make sure I went in the direction that was right for me.

BTW I have nothing against the idea of ProDommes in general, it would give a lot of Subs who are married to vanilla partners their only chance to explore their real sexuality. I just think they should have a code of ethics the same as doctors. I look at what happened as on a par with a doctor keeping a patient, who he can cure, who doesn't even have that much money (I'm a 20yo college kid) sick to keep the money coming in.

Now that I've got the bitching out of the way, how common is this sort of behaviour among the "serious" ProDommes? ProDommes, clients or anyone else please feel free to comment.


You paid her for a session which is what you got.  She DID NOT take you "on to raise" and she was not your domme.....so why do you think she has in inherent responsibility to look out for you and guide you,,,,apparently you are computer savvy and made out just fine.......

**goes off to look for cheese*

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to StrapOnFreak)
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