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sub4hire -> RE: How'd I get to be so old? (2/5/2005 8:11:54 AM)
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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the
room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather
service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them
either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you
to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are
not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you
four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field
trip to Chippendale's.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love"
and
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens
the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as
you don't have to go along. (not my red ink)
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of
by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any
fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking
lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
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