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RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:12:41 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 

 
I would do as he requested and trust he would not embarass me in front of my vanilla friends or family members.

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(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:14:25 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

I would do as he requested and trust he would not embarass me in front of my vanilla friends or family members.


Great answer :)

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-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:14:30 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for clarifying Kat

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:19:13 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		To expand on that a bit, any time someone has something in their profile or says something that one does not understand or could be interpreted multiple ways, it's best to ask.  My interpretation of someone's words might not be what they meant to portray at all.  And as with just about anything, if you ask a question, you'll likely get several different answers...and they may or may not coincide with the intentions of the original writer.  Best thing is to know what it is you want and then ask questions in the getting to know you phase to see if there is a compatibility there. 

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-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:19:38 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging
OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?


I would do and always have done those types of things. My folks wouldn't see that as unusual because that is how I have always been. Now if a man I was with were to say something in my parents home along the lines of "Slave, get on your knees and take my shoes off".....well, I wouldn't have to explain to him that it was inappropriate....my Father and brothers would beat me to that one.


 *sigh, I think so many who are fearful of D/s think that this might or does happen and thus distinquish between public and private....  Personally, I think a "proper" mannered Dom/Domme  wouldnt say such things, but still might require "his/her gal/guy" to do submissive things without others realizing what was happening. 

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BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:22:32 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

quote:

I would do as he requested and trust he would not embarass me in front of my vanilla friends or family members.


Great answer :)



I do agree Kat or I would have to think I might be kneeling to a real a$$ 

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:27:35 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

To expand on that a bit, any time someone has something in their profile or says something that one does not understand or could be interpreted multiple ways, it's best to ask.  My interpretation of someone's words might not be what they meant to portray at all.  And as with just about anything, if you ask a question, you'll likely get several different answers...and they may or may not coincide with the intentions of the original writer.  Best thing is to know what it is you want and then ask questions in the getting to know you phase to see if there is a compatibility there. 


This is the best way, I realize, but as you already know, some have no idea of what they mean when they say things like that (general assumption), esp if they have no clue about WIITWD, protocols, dynamics or are newbies.
And then the non-responders to even a question....am sure you have gotten this when merely asking for clarification to their profile.
It's like asking a girl, what do you mean by "slave"?  A typical answer I get is, "dont worry i know what it means."  I am not gonna hang around there any longer. 

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BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:33:18 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging
OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?


 It would depend entirely upon whether you felt that just removing his shoes advertises you as **A* submissive* and how much it bothered you.

I'd remove my Dad's shoes if he asked me to, AND give his feet a bit of a rub, too......nothing to do with being submissive and LOTS to do with  loving him and knowing that it's nice for him and for me too. I do *nice things* for my Mum too, simply because I love her.

Actions aren't *submissive* as such.........what's behind them MIGHT be, but who's to know?

agirl



(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:36:40 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		This forum thread dove tails nicely into what I ask....        sumbmission carried over into "life" 

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:43:25 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlongin

 *sigh, I think so many who are fearful of D/s think that this might or does happen and thus distinquish between public and private....  Personally, I think a "proper" mannered Dom/Domme  wouldnt say such things, but still might require "his/her gal/guy" to do submissive things without others realizing what was happening. 


Being sensitive to *how much* the people around you understand the relationship isn't terribly difficult for most,.

It's one thing to raise an eyebrow at a *slightly dodgy* comment, and quite another to thrash your arse there and then for it. It's not tricky at all. Vanilla couples even manage that.......lol.

It's called *decorum*.

agirl


(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 7:01:49 PM   
WickedlyDevine


Posts: 63
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

Although we are what we are as a couple, there must be public protocal, I certainly wouldnt subject my partner nor him I to these practices at my kids school function. It is just a safety parameter.


Let me suggest a differnet angle on this.....  I am assuming the kids are both of yours... if a teacher, at a parent teacher conference suggests your little johnny is disruptive in class and might be a little hyperactive and need some discipline at home...would you allow your dom, the child's father, to respond or would you take it upon yourself to respond first and assertively?
 
In my way of thinking, I would allow him the discretion of responding ...is that not a submissive mind frame?  Then add to his comments after he has finished?


It would be easiest to answer this if I were sub and he dom, so let me try to toss out some other scenarios which may help.

We are very equalateral regarding raising the kids, he understands that I am their primary caretaker, so therefore the one with the right to be more opinionated regarding the matter considering they are my job.  On the flip side, I prefer he be the first to speak because teachers etc tend to be a little more receptive to males, that lovely patriarchal bs.  Yet, when the child needs discipline, I find they also respond to him quicker than I, there is something to be said about the male tone.  I however will be the one to state discipline needs to be dealt, and he follows through, remember that saying and show "wait till your father gets home?" 

Let me pick another scenario, we go out to eat, I expect him to get the door, pay the bill, treat me like a lady, compliment me, little quirks like buttering my bread for me, etc.  I am not dominating nor him submitting, it is the way he takes care of me.  Same with him bringing my tea at night, giving me a backrub after work if I am in pain, etc.  Dom/sub is give and take, in both directions.  If he is in pain, I do the same for him, take him into the shower and wash him down, massage him, cook for him, tend to him when he is sick, etc. 

We manage to balance family life with a matter of respect and understanding of our roles, both in and out of the bedroom.  Dad is dad, mom is mom, husband and wife, etc.  So overall to the world we seem like any normal very balanced equal couple, and we are to a large extent, until we hit the bedroom, afterall, that is where all the whips and chains are anyway.

Dunno if this helps, but it is a perspective.

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 7:56:28 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging

What do YOU think it means when people say.....
I want a 24/7 D/s relationship where it is vanilla in public and D/s in private?



Certainly depends on who is writing it. Could mean just not wanting anybody to look at them strange by actions in public, not wanting 24/7 or just bedroom play.

Personally when I read this I tend to get irrationally snobby about it. I often infer that the person is wanting light switch M/s, on/off at their convienence, not 24/7 or are not experienced or still unsure about wanting a deep M/s relationship. I know these thoughts are way too judgemental but I am just being honest.

Most of the time though I just usually tie it to someone inexperienced and slightly afraid as most of us know how to handle it around regular folk and regular situations not to be obsessed about that part.

Edited because I forgot to type the last thought.


< Message edited by toservez -- 10/22/2006 8:01:58 PM >

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 8:04:53 PM   
jesskitty


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline 		a couple of months ago i was questioning this..i  didn't understand how people could claim to be less of what i think is natural personas. sure you don't let yourself out fully in inapropriate places but i belived everyone naturally showed parts of their own bdsm orientation. but after talking to people i've found to some this is just roleplay, or something to spice up their relationships. others just connect paritially to an orientation and do not see them fully as whatever they are. when i first started accepting my personality for who i am i viewed this more of a causal thing. the more i thought,talked, and pondered about myself and my orientation i've found it to be something more natural of myself, i just didn't pay attention and recognize it as i do now.

i think those are some examples of where the whole d/s part of the time, mostly vanillia thing comes in.

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 8:28:37 PM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,
Reading through this thread I've been struck by several concepts or thoughts. What does Ds actually mean to different people? What does submission or a submissive act mean to different people? I've seen examples of service touch upon, but then it's stated that these acts are life and nothing to do with submission. If Ds is based upon a power exchange, why would that have to stop just because you are in public? Why does it matter is others notice that your relationship might be a little different than todays norm?

I'm me 24/7 365 days a year. It is my personality to be dominant and to take charge. It is my girls personality to anticipate my needs and to handle them before I even realize I need something. She calls me ma'am in public or private and even in my parents home. We simply state "she's Southern and it's Southern thing". Usually get a "Oh" response and that's the end of the subject. While with others she will look to me for permission before she eats or when amongst lifestylers, then she will ask. Even the children ask before eating, public or private. The schools think it's great that the kids are raised in a house which the parents care enough to maintain a structured environment. Since we have a special needs child I have had to deal with many levels of counsellor, therapist and psychologists for the childs therapy. While they don't fully understand why we live the way we do they do acknowledge that the structure of our lives is a key to the childs success and growth. Do I use terms like slave and Mistress around them? No. But the principles, structure and protocol are noticed.

Often it is not the action that is submissive but the motivation behind the action. When I order dinner for us both am I providing a service to my girl or am I just being controlling? Since she has a problem making up her mind, it is actually a relief to her to not order. Control or the surrender of control can be liberating. Instead of having to deal with all of life's problems the slave might only have to concern herself with the needs of her owner. This simplification of life is like removing a burden to some. This type of 24/7 Ds can't be turned on or off just because you enter the public view. The signals or cues might become more subtle, but they are still there.

But until the day arrives when people can agree what the terms of this lifestyle mean, conversations such as this are mote.

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 8:31:09 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		I get the impression that many people think that there must be a level of "physical" control that goes on in the public realm, when really that is not necessary.  Sir and I are D/s - 24/7 -  in everything that we do, but He doesn't have to put a hand on me, or raise his voice, or act "like a Dom" (whatever that means) in public.  In fact, we are very private people - in most respects - so no one would ever guess that we have a D/s relationship, but it's ALWAYS there.  Personally... I think that is what people mean by the public/private thing... it may always be there, but it can't appear to be so - therefore, both parties must understand their place.  In my situation, Sir holds me to a very high public standard and if I don't do as I am required I will be punished.... never in public, mind you, (which in some ways is very torturous because I know when we get home, I am "in for it."  LOL) but nevertheless it will happen.  Our dynamic doesn't change just because we are in the public eye, and my requirements don't change (much) either.

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afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 8:46:05 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afeathr

I get the impression that many people think that there must be a level of "physical" control that goes on in the public realm, when really that is not necessary.  Sir and I are D/s - 24/7 -  in everything that we do, but He doesn't have to put a hand on me, or raise his voice, or act "like a Dom" (whatever that means) in public.  In fact, we are very private people - in most respects - so no one would ever guess that we have a D/s relationship, but it's ALWAYS there.  Personally... I think that is what people mean by the public/private thing... it may always be there, but it can't appear to be so - therefore, both parties must understand their place.  In my situation, Sir holds me to a very high public standard and if I don't do as I am required I will be punished.... never in public, mind you, (which in some ways is very torturous because I know when we get home, I am "in for it."  LOL) but nevertheless it will happen.  Our dynamic doesn't change just because we are in the public eye, and my requirements don't change (much) either.


This is our situation too. The dynamic is always there and i do serve Him in public but it appears normal to most people, a wife waiting on her husband. Anything more than that is saved for private.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 9:54:42 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

It has been in my experience that many people who say such don't have a very good understanding of WIITWD and have more of a fetish/fantasy view of it. Some may of course, mean it in a more literal sense in that they simply don't want you kneeling at their feet in a restaurant or accentuating all of your public conversations with "Yes Master".


I would have to disagree on it meaning they don't understand it except as a fetish/fantasy. Nearly everyone has the need for a social life. Some resolve the issue by having one partner as a slave and another partner to date. These are the ones who see the bdsm side as a fantasy. The ability to combine dating and bdsm with the same individual suggests maturity and stability. Those who combine the two have the most satisfying relationships because they meet all of each others needs.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 10:00:38 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		I would suggest if this is a question you have then you need to ask the one who wrote the profile.  Everyone has their own definition and way they live the life of power dynamic.

For some they expect total control in public, all aspects.  I personally do not know how this would work but I suppose it does.

For others, as mentioned they want bedroom BDSM.  In the same way some want D/s without any BDSM or any variation of the mix.

This is why communication is so very important at the outset of any relationship especially one involving a power exchange.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 10:01:38 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

It has been in my experience that many people who say such don't have a very good understanding of WIITWD and have more of a fetish/fantasy view of it. Some may of course, mean it in a more literal sense in that they simply don't want you kneeling at their feet in a restaurant or accentuating all of your public conversations with "Yes Master".


I would have to disagree on it meaning they don't understand it except as a fetish/fantasy. Nearly everyone has the need for a social life. Some resolve the issue by having one partner as a slave and another partner to date. These are the ones who see the bdsm side as a fantasy. The ability to combine dating and bdsm with the same individual suggests maturity and stability. Those who combine the two have the most satisfying relationships because they meet all of each others needs.


Maybe you didn't notice where I said in my post that it has been in MY experience. As to the rest of your post....please do not suggest to me that you have any great understanding of what constitutes a satisfying relationship or suggests maturity and stability....your posting history suggests something different.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 10/22/2006 10:06:14 PM >

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~erin~

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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 11:59:38 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I assume the posts you refer to are the ones concerning my old bondage partner. First we were working toward a relationship, next we were just friends and bondage partners, then he bragged about being my trainer. He kept changing the dynamic. He was one of those that had to have a woman to date and a bondage partner on the side.......which illustrates my point. Those who combine the 2 are more mature.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 40
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