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What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:00:53 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		OK, I know this is horribly 'wrong,' and we aren't supposed to get demands.  BUT, what happens when you have a demand? 

I need to bring something to my Dom's attention that he really has to do (he forgot to lock my apartment the other day when he left and I'd already gone to work).  I could pretend it is a 'favor,' but that feels manipulative because it isn't a favor.  I know he won't disagree, but he can't forget because it is too important.  

I feel like if I say 'I have a favor that I'd love'--it ends up cheapening it because I really am trying to accept his decisions on other things and this is just a case where I need him to do something and there really isn't room for negotiation. 

How do you all deal with something like this without undercutting the dynamic?

< Message edited by ladychatterley -- 10/22/2006 6:02:37 PM >
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:06:46 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		You  do what you can afford to do.  That's it.  Is this something that is gonna break shit if you don't do it.?  Then you can only say and let him cook it.   Is this a wanna cause it would make life so much more enjoyable for you?  Then find a time when you can express this opinion...........

Are you never allowed to talk?  Don't you ever have open and free exchange of ideas?

You can voice the urgency, but it goes in the chips for computing.  But if this is a must, then you must, because there are other consequences, Ja?

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:14:25 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		We have amazing communication, and I can say whatever I want whenever I want.  But I'm trying to move towards more of the power dynamic he wants (If I had my druthers, we'd have power exchange in the bedroom only--he had is it would be 24/7--so we're meeting somewhere in between.  But, for example, I won't ask his permission to work extra when it is my career because that isn't honest--I have to be there, but I'll try to let him have more say on my extra job that is just for money because my time affects him.  But I'm not going to ask permission if I know that I need to do something for my career because we both know I'm going to do it.  Does that make sense?  But I'm trying to figure out how to articulate the things I need in a way that doesn't undercut the dynamic when I really am giving him say. 

I know he will agree.  I frankly think I can say it anyway I want without him being upset.  But I'm trying to figure this out right....


(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:16:25 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

OK, I know this is horribly 'wrong,' and we aren't supposed to get demands.  BUT, what happens when you have a demand? 


First of all I do not know how long you have been seeing each other or if you have "no demands" as a rule of your dynamic.. it is not necesssarily "wrong" unless you have stipulated such, many people have boundaries in a new relationship ( I am assuming it is a new relationship).

quote:

I need to bring something to my Dom's attention that he really has to do (he forgot to lock my apartment the other day when he left and I'd already gone to work).  I could pretend it is a 'favor,' but that feels manipulative because it isn't a favor.  I know he won't disagree, but he can't forget because it is too important.  


I really do not see this as a big deal, I would tell him that leaving your door unlocked is a big issue for you and makes you feel unsafe, why do you think this would be a problem?

quote:

I feel like if I say 'I have a favor that I'd love'--it ends up cheapening it because I really am trying to accept his decisions on other things and this is just a case where I need him to do something and there really isn't room for negotiation.
 

It is really not that complicated, doors need to be locked, he forgot, you feel rightfully unsafe and need to communicate that. All relationships need people to communicate needs, and safety needs are a big need.

quote:

How do you all deal with something like this without undercutting the dynamic?



I would not see this as undercutting anything. I say that if I could not talk to him about something like remembering to lock a door and communicatng when I feel unsafe i would wonder if I was in a good situation. I would show him this thread and let him tell you how HE feels about how this should be handled.. open honest communication, he needs it to be a good dominant, and you need to give him the opportunity to be that... unless you talk to him he cannot know what is going on with you.






_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:18:53 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		How would you ask your grandfather or your big boss for something that is fait accompli?

Same Same,  the illusion is that he makes the decision, based on presented facts, for the good of the household.....................

illusion becomes reality................

that is how it goes.  If he wanted a fuckin' dummy, he could easily have enslaved a sack of potatoes, be soft and feminine, and present your case, and be done with it, make sure he knows it is his decision to make.

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:29:04 PM   
TxAllieGrl


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline 		I think you just have to speak up and say "I have a real concern that we need to talk about." And tell him exactly what you said. Not in a disrespectful way, but if he cares at all, he'll understand why leaving a door unlocked isn't kosher with you.

Can you add a reminder to his keys or on the door to "lock up before you leave" where he'll see it every time?

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:49:34 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Try this:

"Sir, I was surpised the other day when I came home and found my apartment unlocked. This makes me feel (insert appropriate emotion like angry, uncomfortable, anxious). It would be meaningful to me if you would make an extra effort to follow through with locking the apartment because (insert reason, such as I'm worried that my things might be stolen). I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner; I was nervous about how you would respond."


Master Fire


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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:51:47 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		He forgot to lock the door?  Sounds to be just a mistake, it happens.  I think you can tell him "I noticed you forgot to lock the door, can you please make an extra effort to lock it next time because I really feel unsafe when I come home and find it unlocked" or something along those lines.  It doesn't have to be a big deal.  It seems like common sense and he probably just forgot. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to TxAllieGrl)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:55:14 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston
It doesn't have to be a big deal.  It seems like common sense and he probably just forgot. 

I don't mean to make it a big deal, but I find the stuff that is easy and obvious the best for me to practice communication with because I know it was a stilly mistake, so I'm not upset at all.  Just sort of learning at this.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 6:57:33 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		then just respectfully and casually say it like you would any other person.  I am sure he will understand. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 7:09:40 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		That's fine, but DON'T use the phrase "we need to talk about."  Men hate that shit, and it won't put him in the right frame of mind to listen.  Say something like "I'd like to talk about."

quote:

ORIGINAL: TxAllieGrl

I think you just have to speak up and say "I have a real concern that we need to talk about."

(in reply to TxAllieGrl)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 8:44:05 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		AS has been said before rather than making a demand state the facts.
1, the door was left unlocked
2, I was scared when i returned to discover this fact.

And then ask how he will handle this situation.
3, How can we make sure this does not happen again?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 11:03:33 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner; I was nervous about how you would respond.



MFM -
I used almost these exact words not long ago when I needed to tell my Master something that made me feel awkward.  I was afraid that He was going to be upset that I didn't tell Him what I needed to right away, but my explanation - spoken with respect and sincerity, went a long way to His understanding of where I was coming from. 

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/22/2006 11:10:00 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If I forgot to lock up my boys room when I left, Id expect he would point it out to me. I dont see where this has to be a demand as much as addressing the possibility that he forgot to do so.  I realy dont see why he would have done it on PURPOSE... So, instead of making a demand for him to lock your doors if he is going to leave after you, why not a gentle reminder? Dont forget to lock up, as your leaving? My friend Sniepre says it to me when I leave his place, and my mother says it to me when I leave for work.  So, maybe that tactic would be easier to manage and still sustain the dynamic?
Just a suggestion
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 4:12:51 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		 ......*Guess what Master, you forgot to lock the door this morning*

......*Bugger! Did I?*.....

How convoluted do things have to be?

agirl



(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 4:48:43 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		If you want this relationship to be bedroom ONLY you need to enforce that. If he can't deal with it then perhaps you need to think about if this relationship is really worth it. Do not force yourself to be a full time submissive if that isn't really WHO you are. You will only end up miserable.

If you have excellent communication then just tell him in a respectful way to always check to make sure your door is locked. If he gets upset about that then he's got some kind of a problem because everyone needs reminders sometimes and I'm sure he wouldnt want all of your stuff stolen due to his forgetfulness.

I tell my sub never fear to tell me anything, because if a sub is too fearful to talk to a Dom/me then in my opinion they don't have much of a relationship.Trust and communication has to flow or it all falls apart.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 7:27:21 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		What I don't understand is why subs feel they can't express themselves. I mean damn... the man left the door unlocked.. it made ya mad... feel unsafe..... maybe a little violated... not sure of if someone was in there going through your things. Just simply tell your Dom. Being a sub doesn't mean you can't express yourself... thoughts... feelings... you're an adult... you don't need permission to open your mouth and talk. (unless you're in one of those types of relationships)

And if you would of left his door unlocked?... bet he would tell you his thoughts... feelings... on the issue.


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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 8:15:06 AM   
charismagirrl


Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		Also maybe try removing the word "demand" from your thought process. Demand sounds so harsh, especially when come from an "s" type. Maybe replace it with "request"or "respectful request".It is possible to assert something that is necessary without being demanding.Certainly your D or M must want you to be safe. So just  politely state your feelings about whatever (not just this situation)

i also have difficulty bringing things up to my Daddy/Master (not demands just issues or questions) and he's asked me "Well, has anything ever gone badly when you've asked me something? Aren't things usally like 100 times better afterward?" Still isn't always easy though..

Good luck :)


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For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 8:29:21 AM   
Ava82


Posts: 55
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline 		I would say that it only becomes a truly big deal if it happens all the time.  My guess is that if it just happened this once, something was on his mind, and oops! forgot to lock the door.  We all do it.  I don't think you need to go into "how do we rectify this situation?" unless there really *is* an ongoing situation.

(in reply to charismagirrl)
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RE: What if you need to make a demand? - 10/23/2006 8:34:37 AM   
jthorne


Posts: 99
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Locking your apartment is a necessary demand, one that falls under basic safety and all of that. It has nothing to do with your being a sub. Just say "Master, you did not lock my apartment when you left and my things could have been stolen, could you please do that from now on?" No decent dom/me would see that as a bad thing. Locking the sub's apartment after leaving falls under taking care of the sub and is a right, not a privilege.

As for other things that do not fall under the "rights" category, I would recommend just saying "Master, may I ask that you consider something?" That way you're presenting something for his consideration, and that will probably make him muuuuch more likely to say "Of course, pet" when you've asked.

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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