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Any ideas. . . - 10/25/2006 9:50:35 PM   
kahlaan04


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I've tried on many occasions to train my submissive husband but every time it ends where we began. At first i can tell he is trying, but after a couple of days it starts to become more of when he wants attention and when he doesn't. I am not sure how to approach this issue, being that I came into our relationship not knowing anything about S&M. I admit that in the past that I never tried to learn more about S&M except from him, but I've realized to be a good Mistress I need to expand my knowledge. I also have realized I have no self-confidence, which I am currently working on. With out self-confidence I don't perform as well as I could. If anyone have any ideas on training him, and my self-confidence please post so.
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RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/25/2006 9:53:54 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Until you have your self confidence well in hand, dont even consider training him. Concentrate on you first, and know that once you are sure of yourself, he wil fall easier in hand,  However, attempting to train him before that, and all his failures wil shake what little confidence you already have.  Eventually, you will be able to put your foot down, and say "I am in charge here, and you WILL behave" and that wil be that.

Hope that little bit helps.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to kahlaan04)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/26/2006 4:20:26 AM   
paCDponygirl


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline 		Two words: Chastity Belt. Try a cb 3000 or The Curve. Its amazing what not being able to orgasm will do for keeping a man in line.
lauren

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/26/2006 9:04:36 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It sounds more like you have some self-development to do (as we ALL do) rather than a real need to worry about what he'd doing or not doing. I call this dealing with "your stuff" rather than worrying about changing him.

If he's not doing what you want him to do simply because he feels drawn to do it, he's not a match for you. He might be a good play partner, but it doesn't sound like he's offering the level of devotion that you want. Expecting him to change that behavior is unfair and unlikely to happen; change is hard. Also, changing for someone else's approval can lead to them relying on outward approval for their own sense of self-worth.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kahlaan04)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/26/2006 10:32:58 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

I've tried on many occasions to train my submissive husband but every time it ends where we began. At first i can tell he is trying, but after a couple of days it starts to become more of when he wants attention and when he doesn't. I am not sure how to approach this issue, being that I came into our relationship not knowing anything about S&M. I admit that in the past that I never tried to learn more about S&M except from him, but I've realized to be a good Mistress I need to expand my knowledge. I also have realized I have no self-confidence, which I am currently working on. With out self-confidence I don't perform as well as I could. If anyone have any ideas on training him, and my self-confidence please post so.


I agree with DiurnalVampire but I'm going to be a bit more blunt in my wording.

How can you train someone to be the type of submissive or slave you want until you know what that is?

Frankly new dominants (and I consider that to be anyone doing this for less than 2-3 years) need to focus on themselves. Learn all they can, get some experience in a variety of activities, do a lot of thinking and reflection, and then start to figure out what types of service and behavior is desired AND possible.

The next few years you do things by trial and error. Try one way of showing someone what you want, see how that works, see if that is really possible and desireable to you. Try another way of doing things and another way.

Think about it this way: You can't teach something until you yourself have a good grasp of it and have tried it out time and again.

You can and should always be learning yourself but you have to be on firm ground before you can train or mentor another.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to kahlaan04)
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RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/26/2006 3:26:14 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the ladies here.  You're not going to be effective until you master your own issues and insecurities.  We all have them, but it's a matter of how you manage them!  Once you get your confidence in check, THEN is the time to set out on a course to learn about BDSM, perhaps attending some munches or classes in your area.  I'd say do it on your own, without him.  Then, when you come home, it's going to be completely fresh and out of the blue and truly unexpected to him.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to kahlaan04)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/26/2006 11:07:58 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		I agree with the Ladies on dealing with your issues first, then going back to the drawing board.  BUT...I think that some of the spotlight belongs on the sub.  In reality, we really can't MAKE anyone do what we want them to do, short of putting a gun to their head.  He has to be willing to participate in his own training, which it doesn't really sound like he's into it.  My point is, there are two of you in this exchange, and it sounds to me like you're not the only one with a few shortcomings.

As always, YMMV...

MrsShadows

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to kahlaan04)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/29/2006 6:07:20 PM   
LadyAlexa


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

I've tried on many occasions to train my submissive husband but every time it ends where we began. At first i can tell he is trying, but after a couple of days it starts to become more of when he wants attention and when he doesn't. I am not sure how to approach this issue, being that I came into our relationship not knowing anything about S&M. I admit that in the past that I never tried to learn more about S&M except from him, but I've realized to be a good Mistress I need to expand my knowledge. I also have realized I have no self-confidence, which I am currently working on. With out self-confidence I don't perform as well as I could. If anyone have any ideas on training him, and my self-confidence please post so.


There have been some great posts so far so I won't state what has already been stated about taking care of yourself first.

I wondered about your relationship from the beginning:  you didn't know much about S/M before the marriage? your husband was submissive or stated he was before or after? was he in any way dominant before the marriage? 

Work on building your self confidence first, yes.  But also I wonder what type of training you are trying to do?  Baby steps are always good with marrieds.  Sit down and discuss with your husband certain 'rules' such as he must pick up his clothes and place them in a hamper; he must clear the dishes/wash/place them in dishwasher.  Don't give him too much at once.  When he does these, praise him. It's kind of like training a puppy  LOL.  When he doesn't do it, swat his rear or nose, whatever and say bad boy.    Baby steps.  When you are more confident, you can add things to your list.       It might help to make a notebook with various listings of chores and directions to get them done.  Just start writing and editing your thoughts as you go along and soon enough you'll have a book just for your husband to know how to please, serve, obey, and please you.

good luck.

_____________________________

Lady Alexa
[amber]

Submission is key not gender.

GLBT approved.

(in reply to kahlaan04)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/29/2006 6:18:54 PM   
sissifytoserve


Posts: 1016
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		Get the book "Screw the roses..send me the thorns"

Wonderful manual.

Self confidence comes with time and experience as well as an exercise of your strenghths and weaknesses.

Its good to see your husband is patient with you.

best wishes





< Message edited by sissifytoserve -- 10/29/2006 6:39:06 PM >

_____________________________

A great mind must be androgynous
Samuel Coleridge

The uniting of the feminine and the masculine is the highest form of human development Carl Jung

(in reply to LadyAlexa)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Any ideas. . . - 10/29/2006 7:25:57 PM   
kahlaan04


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I have known my husband for 4 years. We met online on Ever Quest, I had a char named Dominatrixa, a friend named her. He started to talk to me because of my name so I knew about him being submissive since the day we met. We have almost been married for 2, and have a 2 month old baby togather. We have a great realationship.

Oh, and I have that book, "Screw the Roses, Bring the Thorns" and I have been reading, doing as much as I can to learn more.

(in reply to sissifytoserve)
Profile   Post #: 10
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