RE: Is it me, or them?

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 6:11:41 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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Kitten......... personally there is nothing wrong with not being sub to everyone that is Dom. If it's not there, it's not there...... but on another thought, possibly you've not let your guard down and watched closely for the small signs on those early meets. just a thought........

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 7:13:12 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
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There are a lot of posers on here. There are also many who simply lack experience.

It may also be a case of simple incompatibility.

I'll tell you a story about a woman I talked to at a munch. Now, this is the way SHE described the situation, I personally think she is exaggerating to compliment me, but I will repeat it nonetheless.

This is a powerful woman, a business owner and a martial artist. She said that with a look and about two words, I completely dommed her to the floor along with about half the other subs in the room.

On the other hand, I can't dom my fiancee at ALL. We have great sex and can do sensation play, but she wants a lot of verbal expression from me which is just not how I play. It's frustrating for both of us and we've finally stopped attempting to do D/S because of it.

This isn't really an answer to your question! It may be them, it may be you, or it may just be a mismatch. I do suggest however that you look on these first meetings more as first dates. Try to have fun on them, rather than immediately engaging in a challenge of wills. Then if there is still a mismatch, at least you've gotten a good evening out of it.

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 7:16:13 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

Midear Kitten-
<SNIP>
I have been mistaken for 'too nice a guy' to be dominat, or a sadist a few times- but only untill I feel that submission has been offered- but once given control, I will take it and run with it. but I value that part of myself too highly to proffer it where it won't be valued.

Stay warm,

Lawrence

I know exactly what you are saying here, as it's happened to me quite a few times recently. In my search for a submissive, I've actually managed to weed through the e-mails and find a few that I actually went to chat with, then phone, and finally met. 3 out of 4 of the men that I met found me to be not very dominant. When you meet for a cup of coffee at a local public espresso bar, how Domly can you be? I am not likely to walk in with a flogger handle hanging out of the pocket of my winter coat, and I'm likely to have a fairly vanilla conversation. I think sometimes the submissives have expectations that are very high for Doms, especially if they only have Pro experience or have just begun to be in a place to take online chats into the real world.

I am 32 flavors and then some....to expect to know me, and feel my dominance in one meeting is highly unlikely, save for meeting me at a scene party and seeing me in action. I would encorage the submissives who are meeting Dominant people to give it a chance....believe it or not, Dominants are people, and people are nervous on first meetings. It takes a certain amount of time for anyone to open up and feel comfortable with someone new.

I am certainly, by no means, suggesting that you lower the bar for what kind of person you seek. I'm only suggesting that if you have enjoyed someone on line through chat and through phone enough to want to meet them, that you give it some time before you send the note that says "You are really cool, but I don't think I could submit to you."

If you could submit to me after a half-caf no fat latte, I'd be highly suspect. ~wink~

Lily

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 7:12:47 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
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That's an interesting point that had never occurred to me. I've met so-called dominants that struck me as confused or perhaps even submissives. When I've heard submissives complain about someone who "wasn't dominant enough", I've never quite understood what that meant as I considered it a zero-sum equation, i.e. one is or is not a dominant person. Your description adds an entirely different dimension.
Timothy

quote:

ORIGINAL: willing2serve

quote:

What do you expect them to do to show their dominant streak?

It's not so much of what I expect them to do, but as what not to do. The word "crumble" was used before and remarkably that is a good word for it.

I posted this before in a stupid email thread, but this written by a proclaimed Dominant gives an idea of the general consensus of what I find...

"i have alot of charm and i would treat you like a
queen if you'd let me, or if you'd prefer, i would
treat you like a servant. i will be whatever you want
me to be. call me and tell me what you want me to do.
as sexy as you are, i would do anything and
everything for you to make you happy and sated"

I am so looking for the One that I can serve, adore and respect, not a "I will do anything Dominant". I have heard it said in reverse about "do anything subs, but it does exist on the other side as well.

I need a Dom in a relationship that I am secure enough in him to know he is with me, but truly know he will walk away if I am not doing my part. That is a fine line and a big responsibility to fill.

Respectfully,
Willing2serve

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 7:16:15 PM

RiotGirl

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Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:52:21 PM >

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RE: Is it me, or them? - 1/30/2005 7:30:02 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

I have noticed a trend with almost every "Dom" I've met online, then later in person. They all tell me how dominant they are and when I meet them in person, they crumble like infatuated little boys.

Your question is the main reason why I tell people to be themselves. People are going to judge you. They may judge you completely wrong. The only ones who matter are those who get to know you for who you are. Those are the only people who should matter. Let everyone else say what they want..and think to yourself how clueless they actually are.

Anyway, with that said. When I was searching. I went through literally thousands of so called doms. I've now been with my dom almost six year's. To the sub down the road, she may see my dom as being submissive. So, we are all on different levels in my mind.
My dom is very much a dom.
I can say after meeting alledged dominants from around the world. I now know 6 dominants in my mind as well. Six. Not a single fem dom in that bunch.
Now, this is in my mind. That doesn't mean there are not femdoms out there who do not dominate their submissives quite well. I've just not met one who could dominate me.
I need someone who is highly intellectual. Someone sure of themselves. Integrity is a must.
They must be more intellectual than I am.
It took me a very long time to find the right one for me.

Anyway to make things short. I could perhaps dominate you. You could perhaps dominate someone else. They could then have their own sub as well. Does it make any of us less dominant? No, not to the person who is submitting to each one.
I've had my share and still today meet men all of the time who offer themselves up to me.
I'm yet to take one up on it. I highly doubt I ever will.
Your problem is quite common.

(in reply to kitten0524)

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